How do I tell her?

Walking along the edge of the training mat at our dojo, I watch our slayers running through the training drills we've set out for them, my companion slayer walking along the other edge watching our slayers just as intently for any signs that their form might be off kilter so we can correct them if needed.

I can't just come out and say it. She's too defensive and shut down for that. If I tried the direct approach, it could only end up making things worse. She might withdraw from me completely and I'd lose what leverage I have to get her to talk to me now, which really isn't much at all. Pretty much the only thing that's keeping us together and talking right now is this job, and the slaying.

One of the girls slips from position near the middle of the group.

"Hold it..."

All of them stop and so does Faith, who looks in my direction.

"Kerry..."

I weave between the girls up to Kerry and help her readjust her footing.

"You're a little off center there, but you're doing well so far. Keep it up."

As I walk back to the outside of the mats, I glance over at Faith for a second, seeing a slightly tired and a little angry expression on her face. She catches my gaze and I give her a little smile to show her I'm not trying to scold her for anything. So she smiles back halfheartedly.

But even this job is starting to weigh on her these days too. I can see it in her eyes. It's the same kinda look I could see in the mirror back in Sunnydale when the slaying gig got too much for me. I used to ask myself why I still did it and why I didn't just quit and take up sunbathing or something. It would always be the easier path to take, and Faith's always been a fan of the easier path. But I kept coming back to it because in the end it was really the only thing that got me through the day. And I think that's the reason why Faith keeps coming back to it.

That won't last forever though. I gave up once too, and Faith could if she really wanted to. There are so many of us now to carry on the slayer legacy, and even more taking up saving the world every day. We aren't really needed anymore to keep the world spinning, and sometimes it would be easier to just hang up the spurs and go riding into the sunset. Except it keeps us living from day to day, sometimes it's the only reason to get up in the morning. I haven't felt that way in years, but after everything that Faith's been through with Dawn, I can imagine that those thoughts are probably running through her head right now.

They loved each other a lot and it ended badly. I've been through that. I went through it with Angel, I went through it with Riley, and I went through it with Spike in a lot of ways too. It leaves you with a lot of bad feelings that you just don't wanna deal with. It eats you up inside if you don't deal with it until it makes you feel like there's nothing left inside you at all. And the only thing that makes you feel better is knowing that you're not alone. You have people to turn to. I can be that person for Faith.

Faith barks out an order at one of the girls.

"Trudy, your right cross is dropping too much at your shoulder. I can see it coming a mile away. Clean it up."

I would be that person for Dawn too, if she would let me. But she won't. She chose to go off to college to get away from her problems, even though I tried repeatedly to stop her. For six weeks straight before she left, I tried to confront her one way or another, trying to get her to stop going off to college without dealing with her feelings. But no matter what I tried, no matter how I approached her, she wouldn't listen. I even went so far as to try and hold her down while I yelled at her. But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And Dawn didn't want to be helped, so I had to let her go.

Now all I'm left with is Faith. Not that I wouldn't want to help Faith if Dawn were around and asked for help. Faith's my friend, and I would try to help her in any way I can, but Dawn's my sister. I have a responsibility to her because she's family, and Mom always taught me that family always comes first. But I don't have any family around to help, and I can't just throw away all my responsibilities here to go help Dawn, that would leave Faith and the rest of the girls here out in the cold. I can't do that to them. I have a responsibility to them, and to Faith as my friend and co-worker.

So instead I'll have to help Faith and hope to hell that Dawn finds a way to work her issues out on her own. If only I could figure out a way to get Faith to come on this trip with me to Trentville without making it seem like I have some ulterior motive or something. Because even though I do, Faith probably won't go if I tell her the truth behind the trip. She doesn't want to deal with her problem, and until I can get her to admit that she should, I'm only gonna end up giving her a reason to withdraw from me and everyone else. I can't let that happen. I've seen what happens when Faith withdraws from people and I know it doesn't end well. It wouldn't be like last time, I know that, but it wouldn't be good.

I just have to get her to come with me. If I can get her to come on this trip with me, then I know I can get her to open up to me and start dealing with her problems. It's not gonna be easy though. She's kinda angry at me I think. I'm not completely sure, but I think she blames me a little for Dawn going. I made the mistake of telling her that Dawn was leaving for college way too late. After I made that last ditch effort to try and get Dawn to stay by talking to Faith and seeing if she could get Dawn to stay if they talked. It was a long shot and knew it would probably blow up in my face, which it did, but I had to try something and I was running out of ideas. Faith was nowhere near the right head space to be talking to Dawn and she wouldn't do it. I think now she kinda blames me for letting Dawn leave and avoid her problems. For all the anger and pain Faith has towards Dawn, she loves her and only wants what's best for her.

That's something else we're gonna have to talk about over the weekend trip if we can get to it. All I have to do is find a way to get her there.

Faith suddenly yells out again.

"Trina!"

As I'm looking to see what's wrong with Trina's form, I see her legs fly up out from under her and come crashing down to the mat floor.

"Ow!"

Faith looks down at her on the floor.

"That's what happens to you when your posture is off. You might wanna do something about that."

What the hell?

I march over to Faith as she holds out her hand to Trina and helps her up.

"Faith, come on, that was low."

"Can't get much lower than the balls of the feet B..."

"You know what I mean, you..."

Suddenly I'm very aware of the rest of the girls still holding in their training positions, most of them looking in our direction or trying not to look in this direction.

"Let's take five girls, recharge your batteries with a drink or something and we'll get back to it in a minute."

They all start to break off from training and I turn to Faith.

"I need to talk to you."

Grabbing her by the wrist, I head for the back room, bringing her along with me. When we're far enough into the room to not be heard that well because of the sound proofing, we face each other again.

"That was too far Faith. Tripping up a girl? Come on..."

She puts up that defensive posture of hers.

"What? I was trying to prove a point. Besides, are you sure that you're not just getting bent out of shape because it was your boy toy's sister that I tripped up?"

I hate it when she says it that way.

"Faith, I've asked you before. Could you please show my boyfriend a LITTLE respect and not call him that? Not to mention, if Trina ever heard you talking about him like that, she'd slug you and possibly quit coming. She's too good a slayer to stop coming over an argument. Beside, I don't talk about your exes like that."

"That's cause my only real ex is your sister."

Okay, that's it.

Pulling my fist back, I let it go as hard as I can, letting it connect with Faith's jaw. The punch sends her to the ground because she wasn't expecting it.

"Ow! What the fuck B?"

All I do is shrug at her.

"I was just trying to make a point F."

She wipes her lip to make sure it's not bleeding, which it's not, before getting up slowly.

"All right, fine, point taken. I went a little overboard with the training. I'll be better about it from now on."

"I'd appreciate that. But look, I think I know why you've been going a little overboard with it lately."

"Do you?"

Faith crosses her arms over her chest with a curious expression.

"Yeah, I think I do. You're frustrated."

"I thought you didn't like talking about sex with me B. Or at all even."

Oh great...

"Okay first, I wasn't talking about sex. Second, that was a hell of a long time ago and I've changed, and third, I don't think not wanting to talk about sex with the woman who was 'involved' with my sister is too much to ask."

Her arms come apart but she stays curious.

"All right..."

"What I was saying, was that there's a reason why you went over to Thornton cemetery last night instead of going home right away. The vamps here just aren't cutting it anymore. It's hard to get a decent fight out of them before you have to stake them. I know. I've been feeling it too lately."

"You're right about that."

"So, let's go somewhere else then. We usually go over to Trentville at least once a year anyway. Why don't we go this weekend or something?"

For a few moments, she thinks about it.

"I could definitely use a decent fight or two, and I do always manage to find at least one when we go there."

She pauses for a second.

"Do you wanna tell the girls or should I?"

Great...

* * *

Okay... so, what do I bring?

Staring down at my suitcase, I marvel at the emptiness of it sitting there on my bed.

I never know what to bring on these things. And I never know what to wear either. It's always hard to predict demon fighting. Trentville goes through almost random stages of demon population shifts. Within a year it'll go from vampire infestation, to slime demons, to Brachias, and Chornakins, before going back to vampires again. And we never know for sure which is which until we get there. It's almost like a hellmouth, except it's not, we checked.

But the downside is that it makes planning and accessorizing for a trip like this almost impossible. I guess I have to plan for everything. You'd think it'd get easier to do after all these years of demon fighting, but apparently not. Plus, that also leaves the question of what to wear. I'll probably have to bring a couple of outfits to plan for randomness. I'll need something light that I can move in while fighting demons, but also something that looks good in a club or a bar because Faith always likes hunting down demons and other things in clubs when we go to Trentville. They tend to hang out there for some reason.

On top of that, I have to have something that I can sleep in, something to wear around the hotel room when I'm just hanging out, and also something good for heart to heart talks. That's actually the most important part since it's kinda the reason I wanna go on this trip with her. I'll probably have to mix and match somehow in case it happens on patrol or in a club or something. Which of course makes choosing what to wear even harder to choose, but I'll figure something out I guess.

I walk over to where my weapons chest is and open it up.

And I'll bring something for the demons too.

Reaching into my weapons chest, I pull out a couple of my good stakes and Mr. Pointy for good luck.

I'm still surprised that Faith decided to go on the trip in the first place. We haven't been on the best of terms lately, and I would think she'd hate the idea of spending a weekend with me fighting vamps and other demons. But she accepted no problem. Well, okay, not no problem, we kinda had to fight about it for a second, but she did accept. I guess it's true what Dawn used to say about us. Whenever things get rough, we fight it out, maybe exchange a few fists in the process, and that some how helps us work it out too. It's weird, but for some reason it works for us. Plus, my life has never really been anything close to normal.

Stuffing my stakes into my duffle bag, I stop for a second, taking a deep breath.

Dawn... that's going to be the toughest part about this whole trip. Once Faith actually manages to open up, I'll have to bring up the subject of Dawn. And that's not going to be an easy conversation for either of us. I think I can understand where she's coming from though, at least on some level. She was my sister after all. I love her, and I miss her a lot. Maybe not in the same way that Faith does, but I do. That will at least give me some way of relating to her on this. And that's something at least.

With another deep breath, I look into my weapons chest.

At least it's something.