Kasey's POV

September 24, 2021

"You can't sit on my face anymore, you're too big Milo," I groaned, my voice muffled as Milo refused to move. One of his favorite ways to wake me up, always on a day where I didn't need to be up early of course. 

"Milo..." He meowed in response, still not moving. I sighed and finally reached up, gently picking up and placing him next to me.

"I'm up now. You happy?" He stretched, and I took that as a yes. I smiled and kissed his forehead, and then reluctantly got out of bed. I was grumpy, but I tiptoed into the kitchen, Milo following. 

"Gooood morning," Casey greeted me cheerfully, flipping a pancake at the stove.

"Good morning," I chirped back, taking a mug out of the cabinet to pour some coffee. 

"I'm making banana pancakes, feel free to take some. In fact, I've made too many so I will be force-feeding you if you don't."

"My favorite!" I grinned. "Thanks Casey, you certainly won't have to force-feed me any," I assured, and we both laughed. I poured creamer into my coffee and filled up Milo's bowl with food, my mood lifting already. Haley came back from her morning run, and I started to space out as her and Casey talked. 

It was starting to get a little colder, which I was happy about since I loved fall. The summer was pretty much uneventful, but at least it was restful which I was content with. The Tony Awards happened, and Little Women won best revival! Giuseppe won his category as well. I did not win leading actress, but I was expecting that and the nomination was an honor enough. The whole night was still so incredibly magical, practically a fever dream. Little Women sales increased a lot after the Tonys, it's been great to have a full audience most nights. I renewed my contract for another year and I was so happy to be working with such incredible people. 

I was finally able to take time off, and my family and I took a trip to Cape Cod, we used to almost every summer so it was good to finally bring the tradition back. We sent Chase off to college, who seems to be absolutely thriving already. Other than that, there were many beach days with friends and weekends out. 

After my run-in with Ben, we started talking a little more even with the awkward goodbye. Just a text now and then, maybe every few days, to keep up with each other. He congratulated me after the Tonys, I encouraged him the night before his first 'Mindfulness in the Arts' session. I would ask him how filming was going, and he'd ask about how I was. But we hadn't hung out or anything. I don't think either of us were sure if we were okay with that. I don't really know how I felt- but if I'm being honest, I've been moody this whole summer. I was tired of being in a vague situationship that wasn't going anywhere. 

I'd still do anything to be together again- that's clear. And I don't really know exactly how Ben feels, but it seems like it's the same. And that should be enough to fix the situationship, but it's complicated even if that seems cliche to say. Our issues of not being open with each other and our rockiness of the past was keeping us in this same horrible loop of not knowing what to do. 

I guess the only other solution would be to cut each other off permanently. I didn't want to. I didn't know what to do. And this is why I've been moody. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying not to think about any of this. But, it was just one of those melancholy days I guess.

I zoned back into the conversation, where Casey and Haley had started going off on a random tangent about socks and sandals. 

"Personally I think it works," I chipped in. "Only for birkenstocks though. Never flip flops."

"Exactly!" Haley agreed. 

"What about for Crocs?" Casey asked, flipping the last pancake. 

"Socks with Crocs are good as well. Almost better than bare feet and Crocs I think," Haley said, and Casey and I enthusiastically agreed. 

"For you madam," Casey pretended to bow to me, handing me a plate piled with pancakes. 

"Thank you," I laughed, repeating her same fancy manner. 

"Mmm! Incredible," I confirmed after taking a bite. 

"Good! Any plans for today?" Casey asked, sitting down next to me and Haley. 

"Eh," I shrugged. "Not really. Today's a lounging around kind of day off. Maybe catch up on Love Island."

"Well I'll support that because then I'll finally have someone to rant to about this season," Haley said, her mouth full of pancake. 

"I'll let you know what episode I get up to," I grinned. Casey started talking about the most recent season of Big Brother, and I laughed as her and Haley started discussing it like their life depended on it. My mind wandered a little bit as their conversation continued, until Casey turned back to me.

"Anyways, if you do decide you want to go out today, Haley and I are probably going out to lunch later and then a comedy club tonight. We'd love you there if you want to come," she smiled. 

"Thanks! I'll let you know, but I think it's Love Island for now," I winked as I got up to put my plate in the dishwasher, and she chuckled. I think they both could kind of sense the mood I was in today, and it was nice of them to invite me out. Maybe I'd go to the club tonight, but right now all I wanted to do was lay in bed and watch TV as I had said.

-

After showering and getting ready for the day, the best outfit I could muster up was sweatpants and I ended up right back in bed. After a couple of hours, I was now almost at the finale of Love Island. Surprisingly, my TV binging was putting me in a better mood. Sometimes this is just exactly what you need on a day off. 

As I finished the episode, I felt my phone buzz. It was a text from Ben. He'd sent a picture- a mirror selfie of him flashing a peace sign in the dance studio near us. 

have some studio space reserved if you wanna come hang!! i understand if you don't want to, but i haven't been able to dance in awhile and i figured you haven't either. just thought i'd ask :)

I felt my heart flutter, looking at the picture. I sighed, re-reading the text a couple times and my heart pounded as I thought about what to do. We haven't really hung out since March. And since I don't think I can handle just being friends, I've been wondering if we should just let each other go. 

But... my heart was telling me otherwise right now. It was telling me to go, for old times sake. It was telling me that maybe we can handle this. 

I read the text again. I might regret letting my feelings take over, but for now I'll let them win.

ok! i'll be over there soon.  

I sent the text, and then turned off my TV. I grabbed my dance bag and headed out, not sure what to expect. I took the short subway ride, and went to the dance studio. I tiptoed down the hall of spaces, and found Ben in the one towards the end. The one us and any of our friends would always go to for dancing. I leaned in the doorway and saw Ben stretching on the floor, his usual warm up playlist was on. A Vampire Weekend song was on. Ben noticed my presence, and he looked up and grinned.

"Kase! You made it!" He greeted cheerfully. 

"I sure did," I still stood in the doorway, feeling a little bit nervous and confused and sad all at the same time. 

"I'm really glad you came," Ben said, standing up.

"Haven't danced in awhile, so... here I am," I  smiled and set my bag down in the corner. 

"Me neither! This will be just like old times." I nodded and felt myself relax a little as we chatted and caught up. 

"Well you didn't miss much, I haven't even really warmed up yet. So... you ready?"

"Yes coach," I teased as I put my hair up, and he rolled his eyes. Ben turned the music up a little, and he led me through his usual warm up routine that I've practically memorized. We started off with some jogging and then jumping jacks. We did lunges, and then I was surprised when Ben didn't go into the usual push ups, instead we did heel raises. 

"Did you change your warm up routine?" I raised an eyebrow.

"No. Just gotta keep you on your toes, ya know?" Ben winked, and this time it was my turn to roll my eyes. We finished the warm up and then stretched, and then Ben lept up and started making up some random dance to "Chocolate" by the 1975, which was currently playing. 

"What are you doing?" I laughed. 

"Now run run away from the boys in blue!" Ben responded by dramatically singing to me. I shook my head and smiled, crossing my arms. I still felt a little out of place, I wasn't sure what I was doing here. 

"You seem a little blue," Ben squinted. "It's time for some fun." He ran over to his phone and changed the song, and "Come on Eileen" came on.

"Ben," I started to complain.

"Nope! Not allowed to say no," he clapped, and then dragged me to the middle of the studio and started forcing me along the start of the iconic Living Room Routine that pretty much all of our friends had memorized because we loved it so much. He continued to drag me along at first, but I couldn't hide my smile as the familiar routine became fun. We were both laughing as we it got faster and we got sloppier. We almost tripped over each other as the song ended, and we couldn't stop laughing at each other. I was feeling a lot more relaxed now and I was actually having a lot of fun. We were just messing around and it really did feel just like old times. 

"There we go! I knew that would make you smile," Ben celebrated. "You can't tell me you're not having fun now."

"I'm having fun," I admitted. "What's next Mr. Cook?" I asked after we caught our breaths and got some water. 

"I have some random choreography in the back of my head for a couple songs that we can go through, unless you have anything you wanna do."

"No, that sounds good! Teach me your ways," I smiled, and we worked on the first one for a little bit. It was upbeat and to an old 80's song, and I was once again laughing and having fun as we made mistakes and joked around. I forgot how much fun we always have together. Once we finally got the hang of it, we took a video, just like we used to always post our dances. We took a short break and then we moved onto the next song Ben had- "Look Up at the Stars" by Shawn Mendes.

"Didn't know you were a Shawn Mendes stan," I teased and Ben rolled his eyes.

"Wonder was a good album," he shrugged. He played the song and started roughly blocking the choreography, and I did my best to follow along. 

"I haven't figured out what to do here yet," Ben stopped as we got more towards the middle of the song where it starts to pick up. 

"We can improv," I shrugged. "I see what you're going for though. This is a good song for contemporary choreography. Perfect mix of soft and upbeat."

"Right? That's what I though, and I haven't seen anyone else do anything with it. Alright, let's take it from the top."

Ben restarted the song, and quickly ran back to his place and we started. 

"Look up at the stars. They're like pieces of art, floating above the ground." 

I followed the soft choreography Ben had through the first two verses. The music begins to pick up in the third verse, and then we paused before the actual pick up. 

"I am feeling so lucky- lucky, lucky, lucky." 

Ben grinned as we did our little shuffle dance move towards each other, and we both couldn't help but laugh. 

The sun shining down on me- on me, on me, on me. Got these angels all around me."

I kept up with Ben as the moves got tighter. 

"I'll never be aloneeee..." 

We did our pirouettes and then jumped out at the end, and I giggled as we ran back towards each other as the music finally reached it's peak.

"Look up at the stars, they're like pieces of art. Floating above the grounddd..."

I jumped up slightly and Ben held me up and spun me around, and I let out a happy yelp. I truly did feel like I was floating at this moment in time. At this point, we were mostly just making it up as we went more along. 

"You know we could fly so far. The universe is ours, and I'm not gonna let you down."

Ben put me down, and then we shanaed into a leap turn. Ben grabbed my hand and twirled me back in. We both laughed and were both beaming, having the most fun. We kept it simple as we caught our breaths, and then repeated our previous choreography as we got to "I am feeling so lucky-". 

We finished up the last verse and then did the same twirl back in as the song finished up. As the last few piano notes played, Ben had dipped me back deeply, my left leg now extended in front of me. His hand was on my back, and our faces were suddenly close. So close that our lips were practically touching now, and my stomach did a flip as I felt his breath. I don't know how we got here, I don't know what is happening. All I know is that I wasn't fighting this and in fact I wanted to kiss him so badly. 

But then I realized that I can't. No, no, I began to panic. This is why I shouldn't have come. We were supposed to be friends, and nothing more. And apparently I can't handle that. I quickly pulled out of his grasp.

"I gotta go," I mumbled, and started to walk away, panicking and embarrassed and unsure of what to do. I just need to leave. 

"Kasey, wait!" Ben called out, and I started to run out of the studio and back onto the streets. It was raining now, coming down pretty hard. 

"Great. Exactly what I need right now," I muttered, trying to fight the stinging in my eyes. I kept walking away.

"Kasey!" I heard Ben a little ways behind me. I walked faster. 

"You can't just walk away!"

"Yes I can!" I shouted back. I heard him running now, and I let out sigh but continued at the same pace. 

"Kasey- fuck," he muttered, breathing heavily. I finally stopped and turned to face him. 

"What?" I snapped. 

"I-I don't know. I just- can't we just talk about what just happened?"

"We can't keep doing this."

"Doing what?"

"This! Pretending we can be friends and then almost kissing. Texting each other all the time but not seeing each other. I can't keep holding onto something of the past. It's too hard, and I'm sick of it."

"But-" 

"We aren't together, Ben," I said, my voice wobbling. "And it's clearly too hard for us to be friends. So- I don't know. Maybe we should just leave each other alone. For good." I turned around and started walking again, trying not to be bothered by the rain. 

"But- but why can't we be together?" I stopped, and turned back to him. 

 "I get why you're upset, I know it's obvious that we still kinda have feelings for each other and we haven't addressed it but- here, we're addressing it now. So let's be together. I mean I know things have happened but we're okay now and-" 

"We've hurt each other." I cut Ben off. 

"But we've also forgiven each other. We're both doing so much better now."

"I don't want to hurt each other again, I don't know if it will happen again-"

 "I still love you Kasey," Ben blurted out. I swallowed and wiped the tears that were now being mixed with rain drops from my face. What he was saying sounded so good. But I was still scared, I was trying not to give into it. 

"I love you too Ben," my voice shook. "That's never been our problem." I looked into his eyes, and we both shared the same look of pain. 

"Yeah," he agreed quietly, and wiped the hair out of his face that was now soaking wet. 

"I think I'll always love you. But we've had our issues."

"I know. But you've seen me get better, I openly talk about my mental health now. It wouldn't be an issue anymore." I was silent.

"Please, Kasey. Give us a chance. We still have so much more life to complete together," he searched my eyes again, a pleading look on his face. I took a deep breath. 

"I know you're scared," he continued. "But taking a leap has never hurt anyone."

He was right, he always is. And I know that avoiding something I want just because I'm scared will only end up hurting me in the long-run. We talked about this when we met all those years ago, and he was even the one to finally bring me out of my comfort zone. 

So standing in the rain as we stared at each other, my heart pounding- I was ready to take a leap. I was scared- I'm about to jump back into a relationship that means so much. A relationship that I don't want to get ruined again, But I'll only know what happens if I take a chance, so I'd rather jump back in than wonder what we could have been.

"This relationship was built on being completely open and vulnerable with each other and it falls apart when we don't communicate with each other," I finally spoke. "So we have to communicate with each other."

"We will," Ben quickly agreed, nodding. 

"We have to tell each other how we feel, we have to make it clear when we're struggling. If we fight, we have to work through it together to see what's bothering us. Because if we don't- we'll fall apart again."

"I know. And I'm ready to be open, I'm ready to be always honest. I'm ready to work through any issues we have."

I closed my eyes, taking another breath. Jump, Kasey. Jump. 

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," Ben nodded, a smile playing on his lips. The same one formed on mine.

"Come kiss me you fool," I grinned, and Ben laughed and happily pulled me into his arms. Our lips finally met, and everything melted away at the familiar sensation I'd missed so much. It felt so good to be back in his arms. The rain was dripping down our faces and our clothes were sticking to our bodies, but nothing mattered as we continued our kiss that filled up my whole body. 

"Holy hell I've missed you," Ben murmured as we finally paused, out of breath. We both laughed giddily. 

I didn't expect to be here. I didn't expect this to happen- but I was so glad it did. I didn't know what was next, but I was ready to take it one step at a time. 

-

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

very long overdue, i know😈 hope the wait was worth it

TWO CHAPTERS LEFT AND THEN EPILOGUE GONNA CRY!!!!AIDHSO:H

hope you all have a safe and fun halloweekend <3 bye nowwww