" I added hand warmers in your bag and your favorite chocolate bar. Call me if you need anything! " Yoo Inna hugged Jieun one last time.  

" Thank you, I appreciate the little attentions" 

" Have a nice trip to Manjae island Jieunie!" her bestfriend waved goodbye. 

Jieun had a shooting scheduled for the cooking show Three meals a day in Manjae Island. She was not in the mood to do it but she signed the guest appearance contract two months ago and couldn't back down at the last minute. She promised her friend Go Doo Shim to guest there and she was like a mother figure for Jieun in the acting industry .  Everyone was already waiting for her. 

The hosts Cha Seung Won and Go Doo Shim welcomed her. Jieun went on a trip to the fish markets with Go Doo Shim while Cha Seung Won made kimchi at home. They started cooking the meals with whatever ingredients they found in the village.

The producer stopped the filming and approached nervously Jieun.

" It's best if we reshoot that last scene where Seung Won-ssi put sugar instead of salt in the meal. It was an hilarious and spontaneous moment but Jieun-ssi spaced out and missed it. " 

Hanteo approached Jieun and whispered " I know it's really hard for you right now but Jieun, please try to smile and laugh a little bit. The results of the footage are gloomy and you're very distracted. Hang in there please! We'll be done in 4 hours and then you can go home and rest."

She felt sorry for the hard working staff and her fellow actors. 

"I'm not feeling well and I'm sorry it's affecting everyone's work. I'll do my best. " She bowed to everyone

"Don't worry child, we're all actors, we can shoot it again and fake a surprised reaction" Doo Shim reassured her

Jieun smiled but her heart was not into it. It has been a week since she learned about her daughter but the investigation was not progressing fast enough.

Kang Ho Dong gave the name of the hospital in Jinhae, therefore the doctor and the midwife were immediately arrested. The police searched the orphanages nearby but none of them had a 7 years old child named Chaewol. The number of children they welcomed increased every year, she was most likely transfered from one orphanage to another in the region years ago. The detective has sent a request to the Korean Adoption Services to trace her back in their database.  The longest part was going through all the paperworks to change her status from "put into adoption" to "missing child". 

The wait for more news about her child was almost unbearable: Jieun had to take sleeping pills for her insomnia and was fighting against her growing anxiety during the day. She was grateful for having supportive people around her. Her mother and father moved in the guest room of her apartment to support her. Inna and Dong Wook regularly joined them for dinner and kept her company. Jungkook texted her and called her every night. 

They resumed filming for the show and she tried her best to focus and pretend to have fun cooking.

" This is the kind of meal I used to cook for my children before they had exams. Fish stew are very good for the memory and for the moral. It's a good thing you're here Jieun, you learned to cook a delicious stew that you could give to your future children whenever they will take important tests. " Doo Shim smiled at her while they were eating the maeuntang.   

The comment alone made Jieun burst into tears in front of the cameras. It was one little thing among the long lists of things she couldn't do, didn't do and missed with her daughter. Did Chaewol eat maeuntang before important days? Who took care of her when she was sick? Who comforted her when she was sad or scared? Who congratulated her or scolded her for the grades in her report card? Who sang her lullabys to sleep and prepared birthday parties for her? 

When she thought about all these little things, she hoped Chaewol had people who did all of that for her. Her heart ached at the thought of her daughter growing up alone or with lack of attention in an orphanage. But it also hurt to think Chaewol could have new parents who took Jieun and Jungkook's place. 

Lately her thoughts have been focused on the reasons people decide to adopt and their concerns regarding raising an adopted child. She read an article saying newborns had a better chance to be adopted than older kids because of the high demand. They were likely to be adopted within two or three months. Some children were very much aware they were adopted, others discovered the truth later in age, some never knew. Did Chaewol knew she had biological parents somewhere? If she already had a new family, would she accept Jieun and Jungkook in her life? Would the adopting family be okay to let them reach out to Chaewol? Did they give her the love Jieun and Jungkook weren't able to give?  

Jieun had so many questions in her mind. She looked up to watch Seung Won and Doo Shim prepare yaksik (sweet rice dessert). She knew Cha Seung Won's son was not his biological child as he adopted the 3 years old child of his girlfriend almost two decades ago. When they were done filming, Jieun subtly tried to approach him with this sensitive subject. 

"  I'm curious to know why you are asking me that." Seung Won told her

"I'm in a situation where I'm wondering what goes through a person's mind and heart when they raise a child that he is not theirs. I....It's been on my mind lately...for personal reasons." 

" I know Koreans put a lot of importance on lineage and family blood but No-Ah is and will always be my son. I love him as if he is my own flesh and blood and I raised him like that. We didn't tell him the truth until he was a young adult. It was hard for him because he felt betrayed by our lie and then he started to question my love for him. It took time to reassure him that even though I wasn't his biological dad, I was still the dad who raised him and it didn't change the way I love him."

Jieun was grateful he didn't press further on her issue and she thanked him profusely for his honest answer and willingness to share such a personal thought. 

🌜💜🐰🐰🐰💙🌛

Two days later, Park Jiyeon, Jung Eunji, Bae Suzy and Yoo Inna all came to Jieun's apartment to celebrate Christmas together. It was painful to tell again the story about her daughter but her friends deserved to know the truth. They were rightfully very shocked by the news.

" Wait so you're telling me: you had a fling with BTS Jungkook years ago, you two have a secret child, and you're still in love with him. But...I never saw you two interact...you've always acted as if you didn't know each other personally." Jiyeon said speechless

" Well there were gossips running around about your huge fight at GDA this year. It was the hottest topic among idols and staffs during one week." Eunji told them

Jieun muffled her groan in her pillow, visibly upset by that particular public incident. 

" We wanted to forget that painful part of  our lives, that's why we didn't tell anyone. I'm sorry about that."  She simply answered

" Jieunie, is there a way we can help you to speed up the research?" Suzy asked

" Seo Yea Ji and the police detective's team are doing their best but it's a complicated procedure and investigation. I just wanna know if my little girl is okay. I'm worried about her. I don't know I feel like she's calling for me, like she really needs me right now. But I'm terrified by so many things: what if she hates us, what if she never knew she was adopted and her adopted parents don't wanna tell her, what if she faced abuse or mistreatments in the orphanage because I heard it happens in some places. We lost 7 years of happiness and there's so much we could have done. I feel guilty for fainting after giving birth. Why was I so weak? Why did I accept to be locked inside that house? Why didn't I go to Big Hit to tell them to bring Jungkook back? I wish I could go back in time and be wiser in my decisions. Maybe none of this would have happened and I would have my daughter with me. " Jieun started to cry

" Oh Jieunie, no, no, you shouldn't feel guilty about that. It wasn't your fault. You're the victim here." Jiyeon reminded her, tears streaming down her face.

" I hope, I pray she's safe. Something in me tells me that she's waiting for you and would love to be reunited with you." Eunji said

" No matter what happens in her life, you'll always be her birth mother. When she will be older, she may come to understand it wasn't your fault, that you and Jungkook love her and would have raised her if this whole crazy events didn't happen." Inna gently told her.

" I totally agree, have a little faith Jieunie,  I know everything will be alright. No matter what happens, we will always be there for you." Suzy added.

Her best friends came towards her for a big group hug and just like that Jieun felt a little bit better.

🌜💜🐰🐰🐰💙🌛

26 december 2020

' You can do this Jeon Jungkook' he told himself before knocking on the door of Bang Si Hyuk's office.

He greeted the CEO and took a seat in front of him.

" How are you Jungkook? My secretary called me to say you requested an urgent meeting. Is everything alright?"

" I just wanted to say, first of all, that I'm sorry I didn't tell you the whole truth sooner. You might be very upset and worried after what I will tell you. I can understand that and I'm deeply sorry. This will have a huge repercussion on BTS and on the company but that's why I need your help more than ever now. "
Jungkook got on his knees and bowed in apology front of Bang Si Hyuk.

" Jungkook, you really got me worried here, I can already feel my blood pressure rising. What happened?"

Jungkook got back on his feet and started to tell everything to Big Hit's CEO.  He left out the details and events that felt too personal.

Sweats started to form on Bang Si Hyuk's forehead, he looked at Jungkook in disbelief, standing then sitting down on his chair.

When the shock passed, Bang Si Hyuk began to freak out and get angry:

" What should we do? What should we do? This is a catastrophe.  Why did Kang Ho Dong did such an horrible thing ? Why didn't you tell me you had a child with IU? Were you two secretly dating behind everyone's back? You know idols have to maintain a pure and irreprocheable image. Fans can't know you were a sexually active teen. You two had a child while you were a trainee, this is bad, really bad. If the press or the public learn about this, this will be one of the biggest celebrity scandal this country will face. The stocks will plumet, the paparazzis and journalists won't let you breathe. Moreover  your daughter will be the target of haters and possibly dangerous attention. Do you realize what this means?"

" Of course I realize the implications! I can barely sleep at night when I think about this mess. " Jungkook stood, obviously angry and frustrated too.

Bang Si Hyuk finally sat down and took off his glasses to rub his teary eyes.

" I will leave the group and Big Hit if it can prevent damages. I want to protect Jieun and the other members. I also don't want the company to suffer financially if this scandal break out. Tell the public, I'm leaving for personal reasons and retire from the industry."

" Jungkook, don't make harsh decisions when you are this distressed. Let's think this through and define a clear strategy. I'll call everyone for a meeting this afternoon. Meanwhile, resume your practices and please try to think carefully about your future." Bang Si Hyuk said after calming down. 

Jungkook left the office and went to the gym on the eighth floor to punch the boxing bag. He desperately needed to vent his frustration on something. He stopped two hours later when he felt his limbs getting tired, then took a shower and decided to have lunch in the company's cafeteria.  

His feet froze in the hallway when he heard the first notes of a very familiar song: it was IU's song " Knees" .

🎶 Modu jamdeuneun bame (At night when everyone is falling asleep)

Honja udukeoni anja, da jinabeorin oneuleul (I'm sitting alone, I'm still awake)

Bonaeji mothagoseo ggaeeoisseo (Holding onto a day that has passed) 🎶

He turned his head as a soft voice began to sing, he followed the sound and pushed the door of one of the training room.
He watched in fascination, transfixed on the doorway as a little girl sang Knees with such emotions and a crystal-clear voice. It was mesmerizing. 

🎶 Nugul gidarina (Am I waiting someone?)

Ajik hal ili nama isseotdeonga (Or do I have something to do?)

Geugeosdo animyeon dolagago sipeun (If it's not, then do I think of the place)

Geuriun jarireul tteoollina (That I want to go back to?) 🎶

She stopped in the middle of the song, frowned at the paper with the lyrics. From the way she looked, she couldn't have been older than 8 years old. And no matter how he try to not think about it every time he came across a little girl, his mind always went to his own daughter who he lost. It was something he focused on during his therapy sessions because he was having a hard time since 2014 whenever he was in the presence of other kids, especially girls. It always hurt because his treacherous heart and mind would imagine what it would be like if his daughter was alive. It wasn't fair to the kids in front of him. It also wasn't fair for him to torture himself with those thoughts.   

This little girl who he had never seen before at Big Hit took the lyrics paper and Jungkook could see her intense focus on the words written there. His resolve to help her strengthened when he noticed the crestfallen look on her face. His heart couldn't bear to see her being sad. For this reason, he took a few steps forward and greeted her.

" Hi!"

The little girl jumped in surprise upon hearing his voice. Jungkook immediately apologized:

" Sorry I didn't mean to startle you. I was just passing by when I heard someone sing. I really love the song and didn't want to interrupt you."
It was only when the words came out of his mouth that he realized it was nearly the same thing he said to Jieun a long time ago when they first met.

" It's okay" she replied and finally looked at him. Her doe eyes, that looked at him shyly, were strangely familiar.

" I'm Jungkook" he extended his hand and smiled to make her more comfortable.

"I...I'm...Luna" she answered, offering him an eye smile that accentuated her dimples.

He didn't know why he suddenly thought it was one of the cutest thing he has ever seen.