Chapter 46: Starting Over

Whitney POV:

Song: Taken: One Direction

Harry was sweet.

Perhaps too sweet which may have proven to be the biggest problem of them all.

The way he tried to calm me down and make sure I was semi composed before he left.

In the moment having him there helped but once he finally slipped his arms out from under my frame-

No longer feeling his warm body pressed to mine-

The soothing movements on my back gone-

I almost lost it all over again, I mean admittedly I did, a few times at that.

But I knew it couldn't be like that forever, the departure inevitable.

So yes the shakiness had surely dwindled when I finally withdrew my digits from his curls for the last time, but I had to mentally commit to it.

Letting him go that is.

And even though he walked out the door at least two hours ago I wasn't anywhere close to doing just that.

But feelings pushed aside I had to think about what was next.

What could happen now that I truly was alone.

Granted I didn't know the 'new' Andy-

But from the alley, from how he reacted when Harry showed up at my door, one thing seemed to be true.

He wanted me alone-

So maybe if I wasn't alone...I could keep him away.

Or maybe I'm only prolonging the inevitable.

.

[That night]

"Hey girl! Oh my- you look terrible."

I let out a sigh, "It's over."

She dropped her bag beside the door, "You don't mean-" she paused, looking behind me for any sign of him, "You don't mean...what I think you mean..."

I exhaled deeply, feeling my body shutter as goosebumps surfaced on my skin.

"Harry and I," I mumbled, "we're over." I finished while blinking back tears.

She frowned, "good thing I came prepared."

I tilted my head in confusion as she unzipped her bag, pulling out a stack of dvds, flashing me the titles. Some classics, others that were contagiously funny and yet impossible to watch without laughing so hard your stomach would hurt. But what had me giggling was the variety of ice cream.

"See everything a girl would ever need to get over a break up." She said almost too cheerfully.

"How'd you know?"

Maddz smiled, "you sounded really upset when you called," she paused, "so I sort of figured something happened..."

"Oh," I mumbled.

"Yeah so how have you been holding up?"

"Okay." I shrugged.

"So what that really means is you need these to work their magic," she said gesturing down at her bag.

I giggled, "Something like that."

Because something deep inside of me told me this feeling would take more than chick flicks and a few tubs of ice cream to fix.

.

Song: Irresistible- One Direction

[Next day]

"What is it?"

I leaned forward on the bar, flipping to show Maddz the name lit up on the screen.

"Are you going to answer it?"

I twisted the screen back to face me, studying the picture above his name.

The way his cheeks were indented with the dorkiest yet most captivating grin.

Thankfully the one thing left unbroken in my phone was the memory card, but then again I got rid of this old one for a reason. But I guess it would have to do for now. For my phone was only the beginning in the long list of things that were broken yesterday in Andy's path of destruction.

Just seeing the picture of Harry sent my heart somewhere in the pit of my stomach. I nodded at Maddz before turning and walking out of the room. She smiled in understanding, turning to the fridge to make some lunch.

I settled just outside the room.

Leaning my back against the adjoining door frame for support as I slid the bar on the screen.

Nothing but breathing on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Uh hey-I mean hi-um" Harry stammered.

"I'm not really sure what to say..."

I giggled at his seemingly loss for words, an uneasy chuckle sending back from his end.

I bit my bottom lip, feeling the goosebumps surface on my skin just at the sound of his voice.

So deep,

Raspy.

"I hope I didn't wake you-"

"No no your fine M-" I quickly let my voice linger off, realizing it was better he not know she was here.

I didn't want him to think- to know- how much it already hurt.

"Whitney?"

His words snapped me back to reality.

"Oh sorry what did you say?" I asked, feeling my cheeks flush, thankful for it just being a phone call as opposed to an actual conversation. But then again the thought of seeing him ag-

"I just wanted to check in-" he paused uncertainly, clearing his throat, "to make sure you were okay...or something."

"Oh yeah yeah I'm gr-fine," I responded all to quickly.

I could picture him doubting my words, eyebrows knitted together, shuffling his curls.

"Okay..." He lingered.

"I-I should probably let you go then."

I dug my nails into my palm, feeling the emptiness resurface in my chest before he even hung up the line.

Keeping my back pressed to the wall as the feeling spread when I brought myself to speak at last.

"Yeah th-thanks for you know calling. It was really nice of you."

"Yes nice...er one more thing before you go-"

My heart soared in my chest, gripping into hope all to quickly, "Yeah?" I anxiously replied.

"Uh-"

"We're still friends right?" He asked in a single breath.

To say it felt like a knife in my chest, well that would have been a colossal understatement.

It was like hanging on by the smallest thread, thousands of feet above any landing, and having it cut before you.

Falling.

Feeling the air being drawn from your lungs with no end.

"Yeah of course, friends." I responded.

Clicking off the phone.

My heart breaking a second time with it.

All

over

again.

.

[The next day]

"Wait," I raised my hand, signaling for Maddz to hold our conversation as made my way over to the tv stand. Turning up the volume when a certain name sparked my interest.

"Whit what are you doing?" Maddz huffed, moving closer to the screen, meanwhile my heart fluttering uneasily.

"Shh," I hissed.

"-just in-"

"-star Harry Styles is indeed back on the market-"

"You shouldn't watch that-" Maddz warned.

I ignored her, only turning the volume higher, a picture emerging that made my breath hitch in my throat.

Harry.

I squinted trying to make out the faces around him, no one I recognized in particular though they all looked around my age, significantly tanner, and as much as I hated to admit it pretty.

"Sources tell us he is living it up in north Manchester-"

"-spotted recently with-"

The reporter's words were cut off, the screen turning black.

"What the hell!" I cried, throwing my hands up in frustration.

"Watching that isn't going to help-"

"I need to know what they were about to say!" I exclaimed angrily.

"They make up things all the time; it's not good for you to watch-"

I huffed in defeat, probably already missed the rest of the story anyways.

"Hey, look forget about him okay? He's the one that dumped you remember-"

"Is that supposed to help?" I lowered my voice to a whisper, "Because it doesn't, it just makes me feel even worse."

"Sorry sorry, it's just if he's really the kind of guy that hooks up-"

"He's not Maddz," I mean I couldn't blame her for being mad when she didn't exactly know the other half of the story.

All she knew was Harry broke up with me.

Not that I was lying to him, because if I told her that- well then I would have to tell her everything. Including the 'new' Andy. The less people that knew, the better.

"Well in that case maybe he'll come around," She tried to cheer me up.

My eyes dropped to the floor, so desperately wishing she was right but a part of me knowing how unlikely it really was.

"Yeah I don't think that will happen," I sighed before air quoting his own words as I repeated them, "we're friends."

"Hey anything's possible right?"

I shrugged trying to smile but failing miserably.

"Whit c'mon-"

I didn't even have the strength to hold back tears this time, flooding down my cheeks in a steady stream.

"I just miss him Maddz," I sniffled, wiping beneath my lashes with the pads of my fingers.

She frowned.

"I know it's hard."

"It's not just that..." My voice lingered.

"What do you mean?" She curiously prompted.

"I know it's only been almost two months. But when I saw him-"

"Maddz when I saw him on New Year's it's like I got this feeling-"

"And when I kissed him," I paused, struggling to find the right words.

"It's like everything around us disappeared and it was just us."

Hesitantly I looked up at Maddz who had a smile plastered to her face, giving me the cue to continue as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"I used to get it, all these moments where it would hit me two times harder than the last but when he asked me to be his girlfriend its like. I-I don't know it's like it became a part of me-"

"And I know this is all sounding really cheesy so I'll just say it-"

I fiddled with my nails, knowing I could trust her with anything but still finding it hard to put into those small fragments of words.

Actually admitting it only making the pain worse.

"I-I think I loved him."

There I said it.

And thank god for having the best friend, who also happened to give the best hugs.

Because those words triggered yet another breakdown.

And what scared me the most was how many-

How many it would take for me to not be brought back.

For that thin line between broken and destroyed was only weakening.

And I now found myself teetering on the edge.

.

Song: It's Not Over- Dinner and a Suit

[The following day]

I kicked my feet up on the coffee table, hearing shuffling from behind me along with a disappointed sigh.

"What are you doing?" Maddz huffed, moving directly in front of the tv screen.

"Watching reruns of One Tree Hill," I lowered my voice before adding under my breath, "well atleast I was before."

She rolled her eyes lightheartedly, shoving me a sandwich.

"If you're going to wallow in pity then at least eat something."

My eyes followed as she took a seat on the edge of the coffee table, my feet moving to the carpet, gaze following.

"I'm not hungry-"

"Whit-"

"Look I-I know you're trying to help and I appreciate it I really do," I let out a sigh, a shudder signaling through my heart as Harry crossed my mind no matter how hard I tried to keep him out, "but this is different."

"I'm worried Whit I've never seen you so- so down since your disor-"

I cut her off, "it's not like that this time. This is just different. I need time." I lowered my voice to a whisper, "Lots of time."

She frowned doubtfully, giving me pity I didn't want, "You'll move on."

I bit my bottom lip, for the truth was I didn't want to move on, no one would ever compare- it hurt just to think about.

"That's it-"

"Huh?" I asked, snapping out of my daze.

"We're going out, you need to get out," Maddz demanded while standing with her hands on her hips, clearly on a mission.

"No, I just want to-"

My words were cut off as her hand yanked mine, bringing me to my feet.

I rolled my eyes while letting out a sigh.

"What did you have in mind?" I started to cave in.

"The new club on forth av. It's grand opening's tonight-"

"I'm not really in the 'clubbing mood'," I airquoted.

"What are you accomplishing here?" She gestured towards the stack of dvd's and tv seasons piled adjacent to the television.

"Exactly," Maddz confirmed from my silence

"Fine," I huffed.

Guess it couldn't be any worse-

"Now go pick something nice out-" Maddz said gently shoving me towards the staircase.

I made my way half way across the room before turning back to face her, "Maddz?"

"Mhm."

"Invite Jeff."

"No boys remember?" She asked and stated at the same time.

To be honest I was starting to feel bad, this was the third day she had stayed at my place.

"Just invite the girls too. I don't want to be the reason-"

"Whit don't be silly Jeff and I needed a few days to ourselves. We've practically spent the last week in his bedr-"

"Okay," I laughed, "I get it, but really though ask the girls too?"

"Course," she replied, typing away on her phone simultaneously.

My feet shuffled the plush carpet, mentally scanning my closet options.

I glanced down at my shirt, twisting the hem as I ascended the stairs, pausing once I rounded the corner to fist the thin grey fabric.

Harry's tee.

My favorite to be exact.

He hadn't really came to exchange our suitcases and admittedly I wasn't quite ready to part with his; so I guess you could say that worked in my favor.

For I couldn't care less about my favorite sweaters still packed away.

Harry's shirts were all I needed.

All I wanted to be precise.

They used to be a symbol I was his.

But now they stood for something completely different. I wore them as a reminder, you know that I was his at that one point in time and it was beautiful.

So damn perfect I'm still trying to comprehend it all.

My digits clung to the fabric the way his once did. There was something about the familiar masculine scent that sent a tingling through my stomach. One that transfixed up to my heart yearning for his presence next to mine.

God it still smelled like him.

And I still hurt without him.