Demi

My spiritual retreat was just what I needed after my Neon Lights tour ended. Touring was grueling & I was more exhausted than I ever remember being, when I used to tour, while I was on drugs. During this retreat, I did a lot of soul searching, but I also did some much needed relaxing. While I was soul searching, I started to doubt my relationship with Nick. The more I thought about, the more I realized that I was substituting sex with Nick for alcohol & drugs. I remembered that night before my tour started, right before Nick & I ended up having sex, I was close to relapsing. Nick was a distraction from that & I didn't want to admit it then. Now, I could see it clearly.

I had a lot of time to think during my retreat & it was a good thing, honestly, even though Nick wasn't going to like what I concluded. It came to me, as a realization, the first night, at the retreat when I couldn't stop thinking about fucking Nick. In fact, I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with Nick. It was insane how much I wanted him. It felt like it did when I needed a fix from drugs or a buzz from alcohol. I don't know why I ignored it for so long, but in any case, I had to do something. I didn't want to ruin my friendship with Nick. I was scared I had already done so.

As my week came to a close, I knew I had to end things with Nick. I had to make him see that we needed to go back to being friends before things went sour . I needed to quit him, cold turkey & I hoped we could be the way we were before we both crossed that line. I knew he was going to be hurt, but I also knew it was what had to happen. There were other reasons, too, but the main reason was my recovery. I feel like he was only into me because he was so bored with Olivia. I thought a lot about it & went back to many conversations we had during our indiscretion. It made sense to me, even if he wasn't aware. I was dreading the moment when I'd have to break his heart, though.

I knew I was going to end things with Nick, but then when I returned home on Monday I had something waiting for me that made me think about something else. On the table, was a huge bouquet of my favorite flowers & I figured they were from Nick, welcoming me home, but they weren't from him. I opened the card & saw they were from Wilmer. My heart felt conflicted as I read the card, 'My dearest Angel, I wanted to congratulate you on the success of your Neon Lights tour & for the announcement of your world tour. I can't even explain how proud I am of you & the woman & entertainer you have become. You are changing lives, & are someone who people can look up to. I am so grateful for our friendship & I look forward to watching you continue to grow & change the world. I will always love you, Demi.' When I finished reading, I realized I was crying. Wilmer, my best friend at one point. My hero, the man who practically saved my life.

I threw myself on my bed, holding the card close to my heart. My mind started racing, remembering all that Wilmer had done for me & all the times he had been there for me, supporting me & encouraging me. He didn't deserve what I did to him. He always treated me so well. I led him on for so long & I never really gave a relationship with him a real chance. I loved him, but was scared to be with the one person who I knew wouldn't enable me. He would always tell me like it was & he would call me out when I was being stupid. Honestly, I needed that. I needed him. I don't even know why I thought I could have something with Nick that was everlasting. I think I just wanted to push Wilmer away completely & Nick was the perfect way to do that. I also thought I was in love with Nick, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't love. It was lust. The more I thought about Wilmer, the more I realized it was love, with him. I could be fooling myself like I have done so often, but I didn't feel like that was happening, at this point.

I ended up falling asleep, there, on my bed & I dreamed about Wilmer. It was an amazing dream, actually. It made me feel amazing all over, but then I thought about what I was about to do to Nick & I felt horrible. I was nauseous thinking about it. I was so sick, I rolled over & went back to sleep. I slept until my ringing phone woke me up. I saw it was Nick & I groaned, rolling over, not answering it. I was just lying there, debating on what I was going to say to Nick, when I heard my doorbell ringing. I sighed, grabbed my phone & got out of bed. I was already dressed in shorts & a tank top, so I headed to my front door.

When I opened the door, I sucked in my breath as Nick rushed in & grabbed me in his arms. "Oh God, I missed you. I tried to call you, but you didn't answer." He said into my hair, near my ear. He loosened his grip on me, then put his lips on mine, for a kiss. I tensed up & Nick pulled away, rather quickly, his face frozen with worry. Nick let go of me & took a step back. He didn't say anything, he just sucked in his breath as I tried to give him a smile.

"Want to come have some tea with me? Iced tea, since it's hot." I started to turn & Nick looked down at the floor.

"So we can talk?" He asked, just above a whisper.

"Yea. We do need to talk about a lot of stuff. Come on." I reached for his hand & he shoved it into his pocket, now looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm not going to like this talk, am I?"

"Nick, just come with me. This is important." I sighed, then he finally took a step toward me & I turned to go into my kitchen. I went to the fridge & motioned for him to sit at the counter. He did, reluctantly. "First of all, I want you to know that this is not easy for me. I don't want to hurt you, but I think this is for the best." I poured us two glasses of iced tea & saw Nick was staring at his hands that were folded on the counter. I slid one of the glasses toward him & he didn't look up as he put his hands around it. "I did a lot of soul searching during my retreat, Nick. I came to so many realizations, too & not just about me." I stopped to see if Nick would look up at me, but he didn't. He continued to keep his gaze down. I could see how upset he was. He knew I was about to break up with him. I cleared my throat. "First of all, I have to apologize for letting you think I was in love with you."

Nick's head snapped up to glare at me, his lips pursed into an angry pout. "You're not in love with me." He spat out, his head shook with disgust.

"It wasn't love, no. It was lust, Nick & that goes for both of us."

"I'm not in lust with you, Demi. What I feel is love." Nick leaned forward just a little to speak in a serious tone.

"I don't think so. I think you were in love with Olivia & you started to get bored & then thought she was only into you for the fame & fortune & with me, it was just exciting & new. The being dishonest & all the sex we were having. Our relationship was based on sex & please don't get upset. I just want to be honest & I want us to be friends." I said & Nick responded with a tongue click as he looked back down at his glass of iced tea. "Right before you & I had sex that first time, I was super stressed about the tour & I was really close to relapsing, so then after you & I did that.... I became addicted to you & the sex. It was the distraction I needed to keep from relapsing. That's why I thought it was love, because it was so intense. But now that I give it serious thought, I know it was lust, not love. I mean I love you. I've loved you as my friend for many years, but I am not in love with you. I don't love you in an intimate way."

Nick sighed. "Good to know." He responded, quietly, not showing much emotion.

"I'm sorry if that hurts you, but I can't keep up the charade. I want our friendship to go back to what it was. Your friendship is the most important thing to me & with us working together on music & possibly the label if that ever becomes a reality, I don't think we should be a couple, anyway. There are so many reasons why we aren't going to make it as a couple, if I did have those kinds of feelings for you." I let out a nervous chuckle. "We're going to be so fucking busy, Nick, we never would have seen each other. You're working on your album & your tv show & I am going on a world tour. I want you to still be my creative director. Please say you'll still be my creative director."

Nick nodded, letting out a soft sigh. "Yea, I'll still do it & we were going to have a few months together before your tour began."

"Not really. Between your shooting schedule for Kingdom & then finishing up your album & doing all the promotion all over the world, it would have been very little we saw each other. But it doesn't matter, Nick. I'm not in love with you."

Nick sighed, looking up, then ran his hand over his face. His expression turned hard as he stared at something straight ahead. "That's a nice bouquet of flowers. Who are those from?" He asked, looking at me.

"Uh... they were a congratulations & good luck token from Wilmer."

Nick pressed his lips together & nodded his head. "I see. In fact, I'm seeing things pretty clear right now." A tiny smirk made his lips twitch. "You're missing Wilmer. You're gonna get back together with him, aren't you?"

I sighed & shrugged my shoulders. "Honestly, I don't know. I mean Wilmer was there for me through everything, Nick & he is the one who will tell me like it is. He won't enable me. He won't let me get away with shit. He will tell me the absolute truth, not being afraid to hurt my feelings or make me mad at him."

Nick made a noise of repulsion. "I tell you the truth."

"Not when it comes to me relapsing or my recovery. You don't want me to be mad at you. It's usually what everyone is afraid of. They don't want to upset me. I get it, but Wilmer always called me out when I would get bummed about stuff or if I wasn't eating... whatever it was."

"What a fucking saint." Nick mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"Don't be like that, Nick. Wilmer has never done anything to warrant that kind of disrespect from you."

"Sorry." I saw him roll his eyes again & I sighed.

"Anyway, can we go back to being friends & it not be awkward between us? I want us to be able to work together & it not be weird."

"Yea. Fine. Sure. It won't be awkward." Nick said in a monotone, not looking up at me.

He was making this too easy, which had me a little concerned. "Well, we need to figure out what we're going to say in our public statement."

Nick looked up at me, his forehead wrinkled. "You couldn't take the hate we were getting either, could you? That's why you want to end things isn't it?"

I shook my head & sighed, heavily. "I told you the real reason, but yes, the hate was getting to me. It isn't why though, Nick. It's because I don't love you. It was pure lust that I felt for you. We can't have a real relationship based on lust. It would have destroyed our friendship."

Nick stood up, abruptly. "If you say so. I guess I'm gonna take off now. You say whatever the hell you want to say to the world about what happened between us. I don't really care. I'll see you around." He turned & headed out of the kitchen.

"Nick!" I shouted at him & he turned around. "I don't want it to be like this. I don't want you to hate me. I meant what I said. I want our friendship to be what it used to be."

"It will be. I just need a little time to forget the last several months even happened. I need to do some soul searching, myself. I'll shoot you a text when I'm ready to pick up where we left our friendship back in February."

"Promise?" I asked, a lump forming in my throat.

Nick swallowed, closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to look at me, his expression softening a little. He probably saw the tears in my eyes. "I promise."

I took a few steps toward him. "Can I get a hug before you go?"

Nick blinked a few times, then gave me a slight nod before he reached for me. I hugged him, tight, then he let go of me, quickly, seeming almost to be pushing me away. "I'll see ya around, Demi." Nick said in a hoarse voice, then left the room. I heard my front door slam shut & that's when the tears came. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Maybe I was fearful that our friendship would never be the same. Maybe I was feeling bad that I hurt him. Maybe I was confused about what to do next. Maybe I was completely lying to myself & deep down, I did love him, in the most intimate way, possible. Whatever it was, I stopped the tears at one point & cleaned myself up, before I called Wilmer to thank him for the flowers. While I had him on the phone, I decided to invite him over to my place for dinner so we could talk. I needed to clear the air with him & I needed to clear a path that would lead us to repairing what we once had. I owed him that much. Actually, I owed him a lot more. Unfortunately, I thought I owed him so much, I did something that may have been a little premature. When Wilmer came over for dinner, we talked for a long time, then I suggested that him & I give our relationship another go. I wasn't sure he'd go for it, but he did. We were going to keep it on the down low for a little while, since Nick & I were just announcing our breakup. Wilmer seemed fine with it & didn't even ask me too many questions about Nick & I. I was relieved to be honest, because I really didn't want to talk about Nick much. It just made me sad.