Am I Dreaming?

Nick


I couldn't get my hopes up. I was getting really tired of her game & I didn't want to play it anymore. I was tired of it. I was tired of the way I felt every time she did or said something like this. I stared at her, for a moment, then I started glaring at her. I could feel my heart racing & my body trembling with anger & confusion. "I am so sick of this!" I finally blurted out as I stomped past her to the fridge. I grabbed a bottle of water, wishing it was something stronger & guzzled it. I wiped my mouth as I turned to look at her scared face.


"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." Demi choked out as she kept her eyes on me.


I rolled my eyes as a sarcastic chuckle escaped my lips. "Yes, you did. You're fucking playing with my emotions. The mixed messages are giving me a headache, Demi. This is what I'm talking about with the mixed messages you seemed confused about." I motioned with my hand toward her as I clicked my tongue in disgust. "I got my hopes up when you texted me about that song, then ten minutes later, my hopes get shattered. Then you act jealous when you ask about girls I'm rumored to be dating. I say something & you give me some lame excuse that you're looking out for me. Then today you message me & want to hang out & I get my hopes up again... then the hopes are lifted even more when I hear you told Delta all that." I swallowed as I felt myself getting emotional. It was either emotional from being angry or hurt or frustrated, or maybe all three. "Once again I get my hopes shattered when I see your fucking tweet with the conversation between you & Wilmer. Relationship goals as fuck. That's you two. So what the fuck are you doing here & why the fuck do you care about Delta wanting to try again with me? You never loved me like she loved me, so why do you care? I just don't get you." I was shaking my head & she was just looking at me with her weepy eyes. I slammed the water bottle down on the counter & started to pace.


"You're right. I'm sorry."


"You're sorry?" I laughed, sarcastically. "What a fucking joke. You don't give a shit that every day when I see you or you call me I am hoping & praying that it will be the day you're gonna tell me you made a mistake & that you are in love with me & that you want me instead of Wilmer. I am trying to move on, Demi. I'm not really ready to get serious with someone, but I feel like I need to talk to girls or go on dates just to forget about you. I see the fucking comments you make on his pictures or the tweets to him or the interviews where you gush about him. You're happy & you're gonna be with him forever. I am trying so hard to move on knowing that, but when you act like you're jealous, it's confusing as fuck to me."


"I'm sorry." She whispered.


"Stop saying you're sorry! Just stop fucking with my head!" I yelled out as I threw my hands up, then ran one hand over my head. I took a few deep breaths to calm down before I spoke again. "Jesus, Demi, I am happy for you, don't get me wrong. Your happiness is what is most important to me. I just can't keep doing this. You don't want me to move on. Why not? Don't you want me to be happy? I mean you broke up with me. You ended our relationship. You said you weren't in love with me. Remember?"


She nodded her head, slowly. "I remember, Nick. And I do want you to be happy. Please know that." She sighed & pressed her lips together as she looked down at the floor. When she started speaking again, her head was tilted down so I couldn't see her face. "I know people say it isn't possible, but I'm here to tell you it is very possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Because I am in love with Wilmer and.....I am in love with you." She lifted her head as her sentence was ending.


I blinked a few times & sucked in my breath. I wasn't expecting her to say that since she had told me she wasn't in love with me a year before, so it threw me off guard. "You... you're in love with me?" My heart was beating so fast in my chest, it was hard to breathe. "You told me you weren't in love with me. You told me it was only lust you felt for me. You broke up with me because you weren't in love with me....I don't understand." I choked on my words.


"I know that's what I told you. I can't believe I am actually telling you this, but it's only fair to be honest with you. A year ago, I honestly thought I wasn't in love with you. I was confused & thought what I felt for you was pure lust. But shortly after I got together with Wilmer again, I started to realize I really was in love with you. I tried to ignore it, but it got harder & harder to ignore the more I realized how true it was. I love you both & let me tell you it's been agony. I've been in emotional hell for a year now." She was crying pretty hard & I could see that turmoil in her eyes as she looked up at me.


I felt like I was dreaming. I had wanted Demi to tell me she was in love with me for a long time, but I never dreamed she would be in love with Wilmer, too. I couldn't speak, but I wanted to, so badly. I took in a deep breath, looking at the ceiling for a moment, then found my tongue. "So, you love me & Wilmer both?" I was speaking in a tone with little to no emotion. I was numb right now, not wanting to get my hopes up. I felt like I had to protect my heart.


"Yes, I love you both. I know you're probably wondering if I love him more or you more & I can't honestly answer that. Most days, I feel like I love you both the same. Wilmer, I have loved longer & I have been through more with him. He's helped me so much & I owe him a lot. I want to be with him. But even though, I don't want to be with you, I still don't want you to move on. I'm not ready for you to move on & I know how selfish that sounds, but it's how I feel. I can't expect you to not move on because of how I feel, so I will just have to suck it up when you do move on. I just hope it's a while before that happens." She ended her sentence with a short laugh.


"So you're in love with me, but you don't want to be with me, because you want to be with Wilmer." I was still speaking slowly, trying to make sense of all of this. I was watching her, closely & she nodded, shattering my heart, yet again. "It isn't fair that you don't want me to move on. I need to move on, Demi. It isn't healthy for me to keep being hopeful about us. Clearly, you've made your choice." I sat down on the arm of the couch that sat in the middle of the room & let out a deep sigh.


"I wish I hadn't told you. I should have just kept it to myself." Demi wiped at her face.


"No. As painful as it is to hear, I am glad you told me. I think it's good for you to admit it, too. Maybe it can help you deal with it. I just wish I could stop being in love with you. I mean it's been over a year & I love you as much, now, as I did then."


"I know what you mean. I hope that one day I can stop being in love with you, too & only be in love with Wilmer. I just have no idea how to go about making that happen. I am so in love with Wilmer & when it's just me & him I feel like I am only in love with him, then I think about you & it all comes rushing back. I don't even know if it will ever happen. What if I am always in love with you both?" Demi was overcome with emotion, so she covered her face & sobbed.


I shouldn't have, but I rushed to her & put my arms around her. "Demi, sssshhhh. Don't cry. You want to be with Wilmer for the rest of your life, right?" God, that question hurt to ask.


Demi sniffed then pulled away to look at me. "Yea." She answered, with not even a little bit of hesitation, once again sending an arrow into my heart.


"Then concentrate on you & him & the rest will fall into place." I couldn't even believe what I was saying. I didn't mean any of it, but her happiness was more important to me than my own. I didn't want her to be in turmoil anymore.


Demi smiled as she wiped at her tears. "I really have tried to let you move on, Nick, but it's a lot harder than I thought. I am going to keep trying, though. I promise. I hate that I hurt you last year. And, now, I am still hurting you. I should just keep my distance." She took a few steps back from me.


I sighed. "That would hurt me even more, Demi. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. And I'm sorry I got so mad earlier."


"Nick, you had every right to be mad. I've been toying with your emotions. But I think you should call Delta & tell her you want her back."


I laughed, my head falling back. "She isn't even for sure moving back here, so let's not get carried away. I'm fine. I think I'm just gonna have a lot of fuck buddies." I smirked at her & her eyes got wide as she looked worried. "I'm kidding. Geesh."


"You don't have to say that. I know you're a guy & you have needs. I know you're probably hooking up with girls."


"You know this huh?" I chuckled as someone knocked on the door. "Yea?" I yelled out.


"Nick, your next scene is set up & ready to go." I recognized Ryan's voice speaking behind the door.


"I'll be out in a sec." I looked at Demi. "I gotta get back out there. You gonna stick around?"


"I probably should go."


"You don't have to, Demi. It's been over a year & we've done okay not acting on our feelings, ya know? I think we'll be okay. We both know that we're over. I mean I know it. I'm reminded often. You know it. Which is why you're with Wilmer & planning a future with him. We just have to ignore the feelings when they surface & one day, they won't surface anymore. At least I hope so." I smiled at her & she laughed. "Or one day it will just be easier... like almost natural... like breathing."


Demi nodded. "Okay, I'll stick around." She said, then I left the room & headed back onto the set. I would see Demi as I was filming the video & she was either watching me, smiling at me, on her phone or talking to one of our friends. Knowing she was in love with me should make me happy & hopeful, but it had the opposite effect. It made me feel less hopeful than ever before. She had been in love with me all this time, but yet she was still with Wilmer. She loved him more, apparently. I know she said she loved us the same, but I feel like she loves Wilmer more. That to me, was the only explanation, as to why she was with him & not me.


Later, after most everyone had gone, once the video was finished for the day & all was cleaned up, Demi was chatting with me while I got my things together. I decided to come right out & ask her. "I feel like you love Wilmer more & owe him more, so that's why you're with him instead of me. Is that pretty accurate?"


Demi looked shocked that I had spoke of this & I heard her suck in her breath, sharply. "Uh... I mean I guess maybe a little. It's also that Wilmer is the easier choice & he really is so good to me. He's helped me so much, Nick. He makes me laugh & makes me feel safe. And his schedule isn't as demanding as yours. Plus he's not a musician. I feel like two musicians together would be a disaster. Like it would be a constant competition."


"Are you serious?" I laughed & shook my head. "I mean I know I'm competitive, but I'd never let that come between me & my girlfriend." I clicked my tongue as I watched her through narrowed eyes. "Anyway, I was just wondering. Curious I guess." I shrugged my shoulders.


"I understand. To be honest, it can be confusing sometimes. There are days when I have to really tell myself that I am in love with Wilmer & I am his girlfriend. But... I guess that is what happens when you are in love with two people. I wonder what other people do. I mean am I the only one who has this issue? Are there other people with this problem? Are those the people that have affairs?"


"Maybe. Maybe not. I mean there are people who lose lovers & never stop loving them. Or if your significant other dies, you move on but you're still in love with their ghost. There are a lot of reasons a person would love two people at once. You're not the only one."


"So if you fall in love again, you may love two people, too." Demi said, giving me a cocky smirk.


"Possibly. Or I may stop being in love with you." I smirked at her & I thought I saw a flash of sadness when I said that. Or it was me wishful thinking. "You ready? I got all my stuff."


Demi nodded, following me out. I walked to my car, outside, neither Demi nor I saying anything. I put my stuff in my trunk, then looked at her. "It was nice hanging out." Demi said, smiling.


I opened my arms & she came in to hug me. "Yes, it was. I can't wait until Vegas."


"Yea, should be fun."


"Do you have birthday plans?" I asked, walking around my car as she headed toward her car. I followed her close, wanting to make sure she got in her car okay.


"Not that I know of." Demi opened her car door & got in. "Just working on my album & doing promotions."


"I'll drop my new song around your birthday, just for you."


"Aww... that's so sweet of you. I really do love it. It's a great song." She grinned at me.


"Thanks. And, if I don't see ya have a happy birthday."


Demi stuck her lower lip out. "You're gonna keep your distance aren't you?"


I laughed as I held her door. "No. I just know we're both really busy & who knows what your man will have planned."


"He'll be working."


"I bet he comes home for the weekend though, to help you celebrate." I winked at her, then closed her door.


Demi rolled her window down. "See ya later, Nick. Love you."


"I love you, too." I said as I walked to my car. I heard her start her car, then watched as she drove out of the parking lot.


Over the next few weeks, I kept busy & only talked to Demi via text messages. We didn't even talk on the phone much. I was releasing new music, had my shows with Maroon 5, then was finishing up filming Kingdom, as well as doing rehearsals for my tour. I had the MTV music video awards at the end of August, too, right before my tour started. Joe kept inviting me to hang out with him & Gigi & I did a few times, even though, he invited Kendall to join us. He was trying so hard to get her & I to date, it was ridiculous. Kendall & I, actually, talked about how neither of us wanted something serious.


I was hanging out with them at Joe's apartment one evening, since Joe wanted to show off to Gigi & cook for us. I had told Joe all about me & Demi, so he tried to convince me that dating Kendall would make Demi jealous. He was really reaching, I swear. I did end up hanging out with Kendall that evening after we had both had some drinks in us & while we were watching a movie, she leaned on me. Joe & Gigi had gone to bed, so Kendall & I were alone. At one point, she turned to face me as she asked me a question about the movie. After I answered her, we stared into each other's eyes for a moment, then, for some reason, I leaned to kiss her. The kiss lingered for a moment, neither of us letting our tongues get involved, but it was still a nice kiss. It didn't do much for me, except make me think about sex. It had been a while, so I was thinking about sex a lot & It didn't take much to get me thinking about it, honestly.


I pulled away from Kendall as soon as I imagined her naked. "Sorry." I said, impishly.


"You don't have to be sorry. I liked it."


"Yea, it was nice, but we shouldn't be doing this. We both agreed we don't want to get into something serious right now."


Kendall looked at me from under her long lashes & smiled coyly. "Who says we have to get into something serious? We can just have some fun." She ran her hand down my thigh, letting her fingers slide in between them, grazing my bulge just enough to excite me. She moved, swiftly, putting her lips on mine again. I responded, eagerly, for a few minutes, but when I felt her hand move to my zipper, I pulled my head away from hers & jumped up from the couch.


"I'm sorry. I can't do this." I had no idea why I felt guilty, but I did. Not to mention, I didn't want to open this can of worms.


"You don't have to be sorry. We don't have to move that fast. We can take it slow...work up to it... we can just make out for a while, if you want."


I shook my head, covering my mouth with my hand. "I'm sorry. I can't be with you like this. I'm just not wanting to start anything, even if it is casual. The truth is, I'm not really a casual sex kind of guy. I guess I value sex a little more than most guys. I have more respect for women than to just use them for sex." I let out a laugh as I sat in a chair across from the couch she was sitting on. I could feel my face turning red & I wondered when someone would revoke my man card.


"Wow. Are you for real?" Kendall asked as she sat up on the couch, an intrigued smile on her face.


"I am." I nodded, then laughed, nervously. "I guess I'm just a weirdo."


Kendall kept watching me, moving her lips, thoughtfully. "Or maybe....you're in love with someone. I bet that's it. You're in love, aren't you?"


I laughed again, looking away. "What?"


"You are. Who is it? Olivia?"


I laughed even harder. "No. Seriously, I'm just not into casual sex at this point in my life."


Kendall leaned back on the couch & brought one leg up, bending it in front of her. She clasped her hands on her knee & smirked. "You're still in love with Demi, aren't you?"


My eyes darted up to look at her face, probably giving it all away. "You think I'm in love with Demi just because I don't want to have random sex? It's just not a good time for me. Maybe in a few months, I'll feel differently." I laughed, nervously.


"Just keep dodging the question. I have a feeling I'm right, but anyway. If you might be ready in a few months, I guess I'll have to visit you while you're on tour." She winked & smiled. I let out another nervous laugh. "Only if you want me to, of course."


I nodded, my lips together. "I will definitely let you know." I stood up & sighed. "I'm gonna go to bed, though. I have an early day tomorrow. You can sleep in the guest room. The sheets are clean. I promise." I grinned at her.


"They better be. Thanks. Well, good night, Nick." Kendall said then laid on the couch & grabbed the remote. I went to my room & went to sleep before I could change my mind about casual sex.


I didn't see Demi on her birthday, but I sent her a text. I tweeted her some birthday wishes, too. The weeks following were jam packed. I released my new song, "Levels" the day after her birthday & that kept me busy & before I knew it, my birthday was coming. I had my birthday off from touring, so I was going to Vegas for the night, then the next morning I'd head back to my next show in Colorado.


The first few weeks of September, Demi & Wilmer were really quiet & not seen together, so the rumors began to fly, that they broke up. I didn't call her to ask, figuring she would tell me if they did. As awful as it was, I hoped the rumors were true, but I wasn't holding my breath. They seemed so amazing when I saw posts from them or when I would see candids of them online. I had my doubts that they were done for good. I figured they were both super busy & were keeping quiet to get people talking.


My birthday was on Wednesday & I got to Vegas really late on Tuesday night, by a private plane. I had left right after my show, In Missouri, on Tuesday. Joe & a bunch of my other friends were meeting me at some point that next day, but Patrick & Paul came with me on the private plane, since they were on tour with me. I had a suite in the hotel that the Iheart radio people were footing the bill for, but I added a few extra days to it. Patrick & Paul got a suite together, not wanting to crowd me since it was my birthday & I might want to entertain some ladies. I laughed at them after they made that remark. I knew Joe would at least stay in my suite with me, but it didn't matter. The place was like an apartment & had four bedrooms that were all huge. If some miracle happened & I decided to bring a woman back, there was plenty of room & we wouldn't disturb anyone. When I got to my room Tuesday night, I got a shower & went right to bed.


Loud knocking on my door, woke me from a deep sleep. I sat up with a start, rubbed my eyes & looked around, trying to find a clock. I saw it was pretty early, not even 7:30 in the morning. I thought maybe I had dreamt the knocking, but then I heard it again. I got out of bed & headed to the door, thinking maybe it was Joe. He had said he may arrive in the morning, so maybe he decided to come really early. I opened the door & was shocked to see Demi standing there.


"Demi?" I opened the door a little more, holding onto the doorknob. "Am I dreaming?" I asked, chuckling, sleepily.


She shook her head, slightly. "I wanted to wish you a happy birthday." She smiled, coyly, lifting her shoulder.


I laughed, rubbing the back of my head. "You came all the way to Vegas to wish me a happy birthday?" I asked, my face showing my confusion.


"I was coming in a few days, anyway. Can I come in?"


I nodded, opening the door all the way & stepping back to let her come in. I closed the door as I watched her walk into the room, looking around in awe. "Are you staying through the weekend then?"


"Yea. Are you?" Demi asked, not turning around.


"I'm hanging here tonight & then Joe will probably stay in the room when I leave for my show tomorrow. Then I'll come back tomorrow night."


Demi turned & nodded at me, her gaze looking me up & down as a smirk made her lips twitch. I realized how under dressed I was. I was wearing boxers & a wife beater & she was fully clothed. "Is that your bedroom?" She asked, pointing with her thumb over her shoulder. I nodded, then she turned & headed into the room. I followed her & watched her sit on the bed & kick her shoes off. When she looked up at me, I just laughed. Was I dreaming? I felt like this was a dream.


"Make yourself comfortable." I said as I leaned on the door frame.


"I will." She leaned back on her elbows & stared at me, a look on her face that I was having trouble reading.


"So why are you here early?"


Demi bit her lip, continuing to watch me, then she sighed, sounding conflicted. She sat up & folded her hands on her lap. "I'm probably too late & I realize this." Demi's voice was quiet as she looked down at her hands. "Wilmer & I broke up."


My heart skipped a beat & I gasped, without thinking then went to sit beside Demi on the bed. "What? When? What happened?"


Demi looked up, but didn't look at me. "He gave me a puppy for my birthday." She said, with little emotion.


"Without discussing it with you?"


"Exactly." She looked at me, her lips forming a straight line. "Don't get me wrong, he is the sweetest guy & he didn't mean it to hurt me. He was trying to get me to heal more because of Buddy, but I made him give it away & then I thought about it all that night. That's when it hit me. Yes, I love him. Yes, I was so in love with him it was ridiculous. But when I thought about a future... getting married.... having kids.... It wasn't him I saw standing beside me." Demi took a deep breath & stood up. She started pacing & I kept my eyes on her, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. "And he's so fucking sweet, oh my God. When I broke up with him & told him that I am more in love with you & saw a future with you instead of him, do you know what he said?" She turned to face me, tears cascading from her eyes. I was stunned, trying to absorb what she just said, but I managed to shake my head, slightly. "He said, 'Demi, I will always love you & I will always want you in my life. You'll always be my family, but I want nothing more than for you to be happy & if someone else is gonna be the one to make you the happiest you can be, then I will accept it & move on.' Can you believe that? He's too amazing & I don't deserve him." She was pacing back & forth & looking like a crazy person as she ranted. "He basically said he supports me no matter what or no matter who I am with. He wished us the best. I mean, who does that? And yet, I can't love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him." She started chuckling as she walked in front of me.


"Demi... what are you trying to say? What did you say you were probably too late for?"


Demi stopped walking & looked at me, tears still falling down her cheeks. "For you & me. I heard you & Kendall are hooking up & getting serious. Or maybe you're over me, anyway."


I swallowed, blinked a few times, trying to let what she said sink in. "I'm not with Kendall & sadly, I'm not over you. You're saying you want to get back together?"


A smile erupted on her face. "Oh gosh. Yes. I know you probably are hesitant & you probably think I'm going to change my mind in a month. You're not over me, but I know that doesn't mean you want to get back together. I realize that it may take some time for you to completely trust me not to break your heart...." She was rambling & I wanted her to stop. I got up & didn't let her finish. I grabbed her face in my hands & covered her mouth with mine. Kissing her breathed life into me & hearing her moan, quietly, into my mouth excited me. My tongue tasted the underside of her bottom lip & she sighed. Once my tongue touched hers, it was like a bolt of lightning hit my spine. I felt this exhilarating sensation throughout my entire body, eventually ending up in my c.ock.


After several minutes of lustful kissing, I let my lips pull away from hers. When I looked at her face, I smiled because her eyes were still closed. "I want to get back together." I murmured, then chuckled when her eyes snapped open. "But, are you going to change your mind in a month or two?"


"No. But I know you probably have doubts. I have an idea. I know how I can convince you." Demi said as she took a step back, a mischievous smile on her face.


My eyebrows knitted together. "How?"


"We're in Vegas. Let's get married." She said in the most serious tone I had ever heard her use. Now, I really had to ask myself if I was dreaming. Not only did she come to me on my birthday, but she wanted to get back together & she wanted to get married. Was I dreaming & if I was, did I want to wake up?

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