Even if we survive

Demi


I didn't let myself have second thoughts about breaking up with Nick. I knew if I went there, I'd go crazy. That's how my brain works. I needed to go with my instinct. I got back together with Wilmer & my life made sense again. I even moved in with him, but I had specific reasons for that. We weren't telling anyone we were back together just yet. Not even our parents knew, at first. I didn't tell anyone, actually, that I was moving in with him. Eventually I would have to, but I was waiting until the last possible second. I knew when Nick found out, he'd be crushed. I didn't want to hurt him, intentionally.


About a week after it came out that Nick & I weren't together anymore, I was at Phil's office, meeting with him about the upcoming tour & some of the other endorsements I had going on. I went into the room, the girl at the receptionist desk directed me to. I froze when I saw Nick standing there, by the window, looking down at his phone. He looked up at me & it was like his eyes had the ability to melt my heart. I sucked in my breath & held it as I closed the door.


"Hey." I said, mentally kicking myself that I hadn't even thought about the fact that Nick would be here, for this meeting. He was my creative director, so of course he would be here. How dumb was I?


Nick didn't even speak to me. He just nodded his head, then looked out the window as he tucked his phone into his back pocket. I sighed as I sat at the large table in the middle of the room. I saw a notepad across from me, with what appeared to have Nick's handwriting on it. I lifted myself out of my seat a little to stretch my neck to look at it. "If you want to see my notes, just ask." Nick said in a bitter tone as he walked to the table. He slid the notepad over to me, then turned back around to go back to the window.


"Is this how you're gonna be from now on?" I scoffed as I skimmed the notes.


"Maybe. You gonna fire me?" He replied in a cocky tone, that kind of pissed me off.


"Nick, I thought you said we could go back to the way we were before. You weren't this much of a dick before." I growled. "I like your ideas though, so no, I'm not gonna fire you."


"Well isn't that great news." He said in a sarcastic tone. He should have been better now, since it had been a few weeks.


"What the hell? Shouldn't you be over this by now?" I leaned back in the chair to glare at him so if he did look at me, he'd see my expression.


"Over the fact that you dumped me to run back to Wilmer?" He clicked his tongue, but still didn't look my way.


How did he even know about me & Wilmer? "What are you talking about?"


"Joe said you moved in with Wilmer." He finally looked at me & all I saw was the pain in his expression. I felt bad, now.


I stood up & leaned on the table. "How the hell does Joe know this?"


"Wilmer told him."


I wrinkled my forehead, thinking Wilmer was an idiot for telling Nick's brother this information, when we weren't even telling our family. I was furious, honestly, but not at Nick. I felt bad for hurting Nick & it made my heart ache so bad. "We aren't telling anyone, but it was for a good reason." I said, quietly.


Nick chuckled, shaking his head as he looked back out the window. "Yea, it's a lot more convenient to live with the person you're fucking, for those late night cravings." I saw his lips purse & I knew he was more hurt than angry.


"That's not why, Nick."


Nick turned all the way around & took a step toward me. "Then why the fuck would you move in with him less than a week after you broke up with me? What was so fucking important? HUH?" He was raising his voice.


"So I wouldn't relapse." I blurted out at him, making his eyes get wide.


"Relapse? Why... what...would... " Nick stammered, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.


"After I broke up with you, I called Wilmer & I confided in him that I was having thoughts of relapsing to ease the guilt I had for breaking your heart. We ended up talking about getting back together & thought I'd be okay, but a few days later, he called me out on the fact that I wasn't eating. He's the only one who can do that, I swear. He basically insisted that I move into his house. He doesn't trust that I will be okay unless he's around to say something. If I'm alone there's no one keeping track of what I eat or anything else regarding my recovery. He's right." Tears came to my eyes & Nick looked concerned.


"Demi... I'm sorry. I don't want to be the reason you could relapse." His voice was cracking.


"You aren't, Nick. I promise. It's a lot of stuff, not just you, but I'm okay now. I live with Wilmer & he makes sure I am eating & not doing anything stupid to relapse." I gave Nick a smile & he nodded, not smiling, though.


The door to the office opened & John & Phil came walking in, deep in a conversation. When both of them saw us, they stopped dead in their tracks, their faces frozen in shock. They exchanged a look, then John cleared his throat. "Everything okay?"


I nodded & sat in my chair. "Yep. I was just telling him how much I liked his ideas. Let's get this meeting started." I said, trying to sound normal. We got the meeting started & Nick seemed to be softening his attitude toward me. He kept watching me with sympathetic or worried eyes, I couldn't tell which. I tried to ignore the gaze because I didn't want him to worry about me. I didn't need his pity. Once the meeting was finished, Phil & John left, quickly, since they had other meetings to go to. Nick stood, facing me as I got my stuff together.


"I'm sorry I was a dick earlier." Nick said, in a soft voice.


I smiled up at him as I took a step away from the table. "I forgive you." I winked at him. "But seriously, I want us to be the way we used to be."


Nick nodded, his lips pressed together. "Me, too."


"I'll see you later, okay?" I said as I started toward the door.


"Dem?" I heard Nick call out, so I turned around. "Next Saturday is the TCA press tour for my TV show & I have studio time booked that night. You want to come & record the song for my album, that night?"


I shrugged & smiled. "Sure. Did you pick a song yet?"


He gave a slight shake of his head. "Nope. But I have a few I have to listen to that Jason sent me. If I find one I'll send it to ya, okay?"


I nodded my head. "Sounds good. I'll put next Saturday in my phone. See you then." I waved at Nick then left & headed home. I was exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep. I just wanted to work out or go swimming & relax. Staying busy or doing things that relaxed me helped me a lot in my recovery.


Nick sent me a song a week later & when I read the text from him that came with it, my heart skipped a beat. "This song describes our friendship & relationship perfectly." I listened to the song, called, "Avalanche" & it made me cry. It honestly fit my relationship with Nick so well, it was like we could have written it. I was actually looking forward to going in the studio with Nick. It would be the first time we'd be together for a long period of time since we broke up. I was hoping it would feel normal & not awkward.


I got to the studio on July 12 & Nick was still in his suit that he wore to the press thing for Kingdom. "You look handsome. I feel a little under dressed." I chuckled.


"I didn't see a point in changing." He said, matter-of-factly.


"I guess there wouldn't be." I said as I sat down next to Nick at the control panel. "I can't wait to record this song."


He sucked in his bottom lip, making a noise & nodded his head. I could already tell he was uncomfortable. "We should get started." He said as he stood up.


"Wait. Can't we catch up a little first?" I asked, reaching to grab his wrist. He looked down at me & sighed, then sat back down. He leaned to rest his elbows on the panel in front of him. "How is the TV show going? Are you liking it?"


"I love it. It's going to be big, I think." He replied, not looking at me. "The writing is incredible. Are you gonna watch?" Nick's gaze met mine.


"Probably." I grinned at him & finally I saw him smile, slightly. "Yay. A smile." I shoved his arm, just a little. "I missed that smile."


"It missed you." He said, his face serious. The awkwardness was going away, which is why I wanted to small talk with him. I knew it could help ease some of the tension between us.


I cleared my throat. "Okay, we should get started. I don't want to be out too late on a Saturday night. I may turn into a vampire." I let out a chuckle & Nick rolled his eyes. We went into the booth & started recording the song. Being in the booth with Nick, brought back memories of Afterglow & I felt myself getting warm. I tried to concentrate on my breathing to keep from getting flustered. I didn't want Nick to see it & get the wrong idea. I didn't even know what the idea was, but I didn't want him to get it.


I didn't see Nick for a few weeks after we recorded the song. His song, "Chains" was going to be released at the end of July & he was going to Vegas to celebrate it on the 26th. He invited me to go, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to be around all the booze. That night though, I saw Nick had posted a video of him getting on the plane to Vegas with Mike Posner & I watched it, smiling. I stopped smiling when I caught a glimpse of Olivia walking behind him in the video. I watched the video a few dozen times, then Nick posted a photo of him toasting on the plane & Olivia was sitting right beside him. I felt my blood boiling. He didn't say that they were hanging out again. Did he call her after I turned down his invite? Immediately, I went to her Instagram & saw a photo she posted of her walking up the stairs to the plane & it looked like Nick was staring at her ass. She even captioned it, "Hey YOU, what are you looking at?!?1?" My heart broke in my chest & I was mad at myself that I felt like this. I was so jealous, I wanted to scream.


I started scrolling through the comments on Olivia's picture, like a mad woman. My heart sank when I saw Nick comment, acknowledging he was, indeed, looking at her ass. I started crying & I was so glad I was alone, so I didn't have to make up some lie as to why I was crying.


The rest of that night I was miserable. I was outraged that Nick hadn't told me he was back together with Olivia. It was pretty obvious once I started seeing all the photos that were posted online of them together in Vegas. They were together, there was no doubt in my mind. Plus a few posts referred to them as boyfriend & girlfriend. The next day I saw the articles talking about how they were back together. It only upset me more. Why did I have to feel this way? Why couldn't I just stop feeling so jealous? I didn't want to love Nick this way. I spent a few hours, crying & being angry as well as jealous, then I took a deep breath & got a shower. It helped a little. Then Wilmer came home & I had sex with him a few times, trying to forget Nick Jonas.


Late, that night, I left a sleeping Wilmer in bed & I went to get a drink of water in the kitchen. My laptop was open on the counter, so I got online. First thing I see is photos from the Young Hollywood Awards that were earlier that evening & Nick was wearing a white & burgundy suit, looking fucking hot as hell. Then there were the photos of his bulge & I had to go wake Wilmer up so I could fuck him, again. I hated that I got so horny thinking of Nick's bulge, but I was a woman, for Pete's sake.


The next day, I woke up & I wasn't thinking about Nick, thank God. I went about my day & tried not to think about him. I saw his video for "Chains" & I was impressed with it. I wanted to text him to tell him, but I decided not to. He was super busy doing promotion for his song & filming his TV show. Then he was going on a small tour, so he was rehearsing for that as well.


The next time I saw Nick was at the MTV video music awards. To torture me, they sat me & Nick next to each other & of course, he brought Olivia & she sat in between us. It was all anyone could talk about. But I put on a happy face, as did Nick & Olivia & we got through the night. I wish Nick hadn't looked so handsome & wished Olivia hadn't looked so gorgeous, but I got 'Best Dressed' on many lists. I was furious, however, that evening as I tried to make it seem like I was just fine. It helped that my buddy, Taylor Swift was there & I could be silly with her. I hoped it made Nick jealous that I was smiling with her while he sat next to his girlfriend, not really speaking. Olivia, I noticed, was even more dull than I previous thought. And just as fake as I thought. I could tell that she was really uncomfortable sitting there beside me & that gave me a reason to smile. I ignored them, too & got on my phone, as I listened to them talk to Taylor. Nick & Taylor had gotten to be good friends again & I almost laughed hearing Olivia try really hard to get into Taylor's inner circle. She was desperate, that was obvious.


Phil had been my date & we went to an after party at some label executive's. I kept my distance from Nick, for the most part, but then as the party was dying down, I saw him. He was in the kitchen, standing there with the fridge door open, peering inside. The moment I saw his gorgeous ass, I got pissed off all over again. Maybe I was angry that I wasn't with him anymore. Maybe I was angry at Olivia for taking him back. Maybe I was angry at myself for having feelings of jealousy regarding him. I slammed the fridge door shut, making him stare at me with his eyes wide & his mouth hanging open.


"What the fuck is your problem?" He asked, incredulously.


"You're my fucking problem." I snapped at him, almost under my breath as I stood in front of him. He looked at me, a smirk playing on his lips like he was enjoying this. "You had some nerve being all pissed off at me because I got back together with Wilmer, when you did the exact same fucking thing. You got back together with Olivia? For what? To spite me? To get back at me? Because I wouldn't go to Vegas with you when you asked? Then you bring her to the awards tonight, knowing damn well I was going to be there. You're a piece of shit."


"I'm a piece of shit? I brought my girlfriend to an awards show. You had to know we were back together, because it's been all over the fucking internet. And it really doesn't matter why I got back together with Olivia. All that matters is that it's her nails in my back now." He spoke in a harsh tone & hearing him say something like that in reference to one of my favorite songs from his album made me really mad. I was huffing & puffing, then he raised an eyebrow & I wanted to hit him. What he said, next, though, was the nail on his coffin. "Don't act like I did anything wrong, here, Demi. It's not my fault, you're ashamed of your old ass boyfriend that you brought your manager to the show instead of him."


I inhaled, sharply, seeing red. I slapped his face as hard as I could & turned on my heel to storm out of the room. As I was leaving, I saw Olivia standing in the hall. It gave me some satisfaction that she had heard it all. He may not have said anything about her, but I hoped she could hear in his tone that he was using her to get back at me.

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