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Guys, please be aware that this chapter is pretty heavy with scenes that anyone that's ever suffered from/dealt with a traumatic birth, a c-section, or really sick children may be impacted by. It's really heavily based off a close family members experience, so it's not some fairytale that sees a miraculous healthy baby being born so early. The next few chapters will have trigger warnings too, but I promise if you stick with me, the other side will be worth it.
For anyone who wishes to skip this chapter, private message me and I can give you a one sentence overview of what happens (once it's released) so you can carry on from the chapters after.
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"Amanda, please. Please, please, please get Leah. Please." I sobbed.
"Listen, Sophie, it's really important that you keep calm for us, okay?"

Easy for you to say, you've been to hundreds of these calls.

"It's really sore."
"I know, darling. I know it is. Leah would be so proud of you." Amanda whispered.
"Mum, I'm through!" Jacob held the phone out for her.

Amanda moved away from me slightly. I suppose she thought I couldn't hear, but I could. She confirmed my worst fears.

"Could I please speak with Leah? It's her mum, and it's urgent."
"Can we take a message to pass on? The girls are currently in heat training."
"This isn't something I want her to hear from someone else. Can I please just speak to her?"
"I'll just need to speak with Sarina."
"Sophie's in early labour - far too early; you need to let me talk to Leah! She's on the other side of the world!"

My attention was taken away from the phone call by the paramedic's voice again.

"Sophie, can you tell us how many weeks you are?"
"24. I'm too early; it's too early. I need Leah."
"Where is Leah? Will she be here soon?" The paramedic asked Jacob.
"Brazil."
"I see." He said quietly.
"Is my baby going to die?"
"You just keep breathing the way I showed you."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I know." He said quietly.

Jacob was now sitting on the other side of me, trying to be the best stand-in Leah that he could be.

"I called Rhys; he's trying to get a flight." He whispered.
"Don't leave me." I whimpered.
"I think Leah would kill me if I did."

The paramedics whispered amongst themselves; Jacob very obviously trying to talk loudly enough for me not to hear them. I was angry at him for covering it up, but on reflection, I guess I understood too.

"Sophie, you want the truth?" The female paramedic spoke softly, rubbing her thumb across my hand.
"Yes. Please."
"Okay, pet. This baby has to be born urgently, okay? We can't let that happen here; we need to be able to try and save its life upon birth, but to do that, we need all the experienced people in the hospital, yeah? So, I know it's really painful, and I know you're really tired, but darling, we have to move as quickly as possible, and we're going to need you to just grit your teeth for us and be as strong as you can be. Can you do that? Can you help us to help this little one?"
"Okay, but I really need Leah." I sobbed.

Jacob held me close, telling me how much Leah loved me and how he knew she'd be here soon.

"I'm here." Leah's voice echoed in my ear as Amanda placed the phone at it.
"Le." I breathed out, tears escaping.
"Soph, I'm literally getting into a car now; they've got a plane, and I'm getting straight on it. I'm so sorry I'm not there. I'm so sorry, Soph."

Hearing the pain in Leah's voice was something that jolted me to realise that in this situation I wasn't the 'unlucky' one because I was going through this pain. Leah would have to spend that entire flight not knowing what she was coming home to, with nothing to look at but the clouds and the occasional star. She was being strong for me, so I had to be strong for her and the baby.

"Don't say sorry." I breathed through the pain.
"I love you, Sophie. I love you. I love you. I love you."

I smiled through the tears as they placed me on a stretcher and began to take me to the ambulance, Amanda tucking the phone under my ear.

"We love you too. Tell me something. Anything."
"I bought him something today." Leah's voice quivered.
"You've really got to stop assuming it's a he." I chuckled, thankful for this normal moment.
"It is. I can feel it."
"What did - ouch - did you buy?"
"A Brazil Teddy. It's wearing a hat with the Brazil logo on it. I wanted to hate it because it's not English, but it was just too cute. I thought if we painted the nursery that colour you liked, it would go along with it."
"Did you - fuck - b-bring it?"
"Yeah." She said softly.
"Where is it?"
"In my bag."
"Can you hold it? I want you to have something that you can hold. I'm worried about you being on your own."

Silence for a few seconds, followed by a sniff.

"You're the only person I know that would think of anyone else right now, Soph."
"I think of you every second of my day, Le." I whispered.

Amanda took the phone from my ear again as the ambulance came to a stop.

"Leah, we're here now. No, I know; yes, I know, bubba; but I have to go; she knows; she knows you do."

I knew that was Leah protesting that she would stay on the phone and Amanda making the executive decision that this was traumatic enough for her without having to listen to the next bit while being unable to help.

The hospital entrance was lined with staff as we arrived, every one of them knowing their role in this emergency. Despite the pain, the idea that they couldn't save our baby, and wanting Leah here, it was hard not to be in awe of these people who selflessly gave us their everything to work for next to no money.

They told me that decisions were mine to make and that they wouldn't do anything without my consent, including taking me for a surgical birth.

"Which one is best for him?"
"Immediate surgery."
"Do that. Whatever it takes. Do it." I nodded.
"You're so brave, Sophie. You're so, so brave." Amanda whispered into my ear.

Don't look up at the light. Whatever you do, don't look up at the light.

I did it anyway, immediately wishing that I hadn't. There was nothing quite as harrowing as seeing your stomach open to the world and wondering if you would even see your baby breathing by the end of it.

Amanda stroked my hair the entire time, telling me over and over again how close Leah would be and how she was going to tell her how brave I had been. No words from anyone could've stopped the tears that were rolling horizontally from my eyes, crossing the tops of my ears as I listened to the directions of the surgeon.

"Everyone, positions."

Fuck.

"Ready? And 1, and 2, and 3."

Silence.

"Gillian, do you need support?"

A cry.

"He doesn't need support; sure you don't, little man." Gillian cooed.

I didn't move, I didn't cry, I didn't actually do anything. I lay there, eyes stinging and heart sore. It wasn't meant to be like this.

It wasn't meant to happen without Leah.

"Sophie?" Amanda whispered.
"She said it would be a boy." I said nonchalantly.
"Sophie, do you know what has happened? Do you remember where you are?" The nurse asked.
"Yeah."
"Can you tell me?"
"Hospital. I just had a baby."
"Okay, maybe a little overwhelmed, hm? A little bit shocked?"
"Yeah, maybe."

Another cry from the other side of the room finally set off those fireworks in my heart. It was almost as if it had shocked me into remembering that he was my son, he was our son.

"Is he in pain? Can I hold him? Can I tell him that everything's okay?" I asked, trying to sit up.
"Wow. Don't move, pet. They're still stitching you." Amanda chuckled, placing a firm hand on my shoulder.
"Can I hold him?" I smiled gently.

Amanda's face said otherwise.

"Not right now. We will explain everything soon." The nurse smiled.
"But skin-to-skin contact? Usually they put him on your chest." I shook my head.
"That's only in the movies, pet. If he was full-term, then yes, absolutely. Premature babies need lots of help. We have to give him lots of help first. Is that okay with you? If we help him, then you can see him?"
"That okay, Sophie?" Amanda asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, whatever he needs." I whimpered.

I wasn't taken back to the first room; instead, I was taken to a completely different floor of the hospital. I wondered if this was the grieving parents wing or the place that they took you to spend some time with your baby before it died. I knew it was an awful outlook to have and that, as a parent, I should be more positive, but how could I? I did everything the books told me to: I didn't drink, I've never smoked, I didn't do heavy lifting, I stayed away from all the foods they advised, I drank as much water as I could, I sang to him, and I tried to keep him safe. If I couldn't do that, how could I possibly believe that they could?

In the end, I discovered I was being taken to neonatal, a part of the hospital for poorly babies that allowed the babies to be cared for in the same room as the mothers. I was surprised at how big the room was and how clean it was. You could see that they had tried to make it less bare by putting up pieces of art and changing the white lightbulbs for those more yellow ones. I guess they knew that most people coming in here wouldn't be prepared; it wouldn't be colourful baby bags and nice little outfits; it would be tiny nappies and whatever the family could grab from the premature section on their way to the hospital.

"Where's Leah?" I whispered, turning my head to look at Amanda's exhausted face.
"She texted me just before he was born to tell me she had landed. I haven't told her yet."
"No?"
"No. This was cruel, Sophie; this wasn't how you two planned this. This wasn't how your first child should be. That moment of seeing your baby in the world for the first time just ripped away from you two. So no, I'm not going to tread on your toes anymore than life has; she will find out when she gets here. She will experience that moment with you. And you with her."

This woman is incredible.

"Hi Sophie, can I come in?" The midwife spoke from the door.
"Yeah, yes, of course."
"So baby is... well, baby is sick, Sophie. But no more sick than we would expect him to be at 24 weeks. The issue with premature babies is that they have to adapt to things that their body isn't ready for. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"So things like breathing, feeding, and just generally adapting to the germs and things that come with the world outside of mummy's tummy."
"Okay. I get that." I nodded.
"What we've done is we've incubated him, okay. Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah."
"It's not nice. It's not how you imagined or how your wife, Leah, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"It's not going to be how either of you imagined. He's very small, okay? His skin maybe doesn't look as - normal - as you might've expected; it'll be darker and look kind of irritated and sore, but it isn't sore, okay? That's one of the first things people say."
"So he isn't sore?"
"No. We manage that. He's disgruntled." She chuckled.
"I imagine." I chuckled through my tears.
"We've woken him up rudely, and he's not used to this big world yet, but he can hear you. He will know your voice, he'll know Leah's, and he'll know love. We'll give him the medicine, the machines, and the treatment; you two give him the love. And that will give him the best possible chance at this life. Alright?"
"Yeah."
"Any questions?"
"Yeah. Is there like a timeframe? Like is there a point when you say no, he won't make it, or yes, he will?"

I held my breath.

"It's really hard to say. In my experience, normally once they get over the 48-72 hour mark, we can usually judge how it's going to go."
"I can't thank you enough." I trembled.
"You don't need to."
"When can I see him?"
"He's going to live in here for a while; I just wanted to catch up with you before we brought him through. Shall I go get him? Go get your little boy?"

I looked at Amanda, probably looking for some approval that I should do this without Leah. She nodded, waiting until the midwife left to speak.

"If you need me, I can stay, but -"
"I want me and Leah to be the first to see him properly too." I smiled, nodding at her.
"I'm right outside, okay? If it gets too much, I'm right behind that door."
"Thanks, Amanda."

The second they wheeled him into the room, my heart expanded by at least one hundred times. He was tiny, and a little wristband was attached to his ankle because his wrists were far too small. I began to count the tubes that surrounded him, but I lost count too many times to follow through until the end. I wondered how the doctors even remembered which was which. His little chest moved up and down fast, much faster than mine; they reassured me that this was normal and that he was just getting used to it.

"You can touch him, but thoroughly wash your hands every time. Even if you haven't touched anything else since." The nurse spoke softly.
"Does it hurt?"
"No. Not at all; you don't have to be ready now. This isn't a race, okay?"

She clearly saw the apprehension on my face. Not because of how he looked; he was perfect. I just worried that I would cause something to go wrong. Remembering that Leah and I had planned exactly what we would say when we both first held our baby together. No. I would wait. I would wait until Leah was here.

I'd be lying if I said I knew how long I'd spent just staring at him, taking in every little feature that he had. The silence was only broken when I heard that voice. Leah.

"Where is she, Mum?" Leah cried.
"Sh sh, she's in there. She's okay. Don't go in all guns blazing, bubba. Calm."

I knew why Amanda wanted her to be calm; she knew there was a little baby in here, and Leah didn't. Even if we were separated by a wall and a door, I could still hear the panic in Leah's voice. The tremble as she asked her next question.

"Is - the baby - is it - is our baby gone? Can I go in?"
"Go you in, bubba." Amanda spoke softly.

I wondered if Amanda had given her a shake of the head or some kind of reaction to answer her question about the baby, but when I saw her, I knew that she hadn't. I sat on the edge of the bed, the incubator on the side closest to the door. I knew the second Leah walked in, she would see me sitting there looking back at her, our baby in the incubator being the only thing between us.

The handle went down, the door opened slowly, and Leah's shaky breathing echoed around the room before her first footstep inside had even been taken.

And then her face appeared. Sorrow-filled eyes at the loss of our baby changed to eyes of hope, eyes of admiration, and eyes of pride. Almost in slow motion, her eyes moved from him to my own eyes, tears falling faster than I had ever seen them falling before, her lip quivering more severely than I had ever seen it quiver before, and her voice being softer than I had ever heard it being soft before.

"You said he would be a boy." I smiled.
"A boy." She sobbed quietly.

She made her way slowly towards us, her eyes now glued to the tiny little human that lay vulnerably inside the case that was saving his life.

"God, he's perfect." She whispered.
"He's been waiting for you. And that teddy, all the way from Brazil."

She sniffed before exhaling, closing her eyes for a second to push back the whirlwind of emotion running through her veins.

"I love you, little man." Leah whispered.

That was enough to set me off again.

She sat beside me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and moving me gently towards her. Her lips pressed firmly but delicately against my forehead three times, the last one lingering for a few seconds.

"I'm so proud of you, Soph. I know I keep saying this over and over and over again, but every time - every - sorry - every time I think I can't love you more - you just show me - you give me another reason to just make my heart bigger or something. I don't - I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I couldn't get here faster. I'm sorry that I missed your calls. I'm sorry that I missed that moment that we both talked about - missed that moment of us both holding him for the first time and saying you're our boy."

But Leah, you didn't miss that moment. I was never going to do that without you.

"Can you help me get to the sink?" I asked.
"Yeah." Leah whispered.

I knew she thought I was ignoring what she said, probably because she suspected I was angry at her for missing that moment. That exact moment would be worth it, though.

"Wash your hands too." I said softly.

We slowly made our way back to the bed. I instructed Leah to stand on the opposite side of the incubator, taking her hand in mine across the top of it.

"You ready?" I whispered.
"What for?"
"Take his right hand."

As Leah reached in to take his right hand, gently letting him get used to it, I reached in to take his left.

"On 3?"
"Is this what I think it is?" Leah cried.
"Yes. 1. 2. 3."

"You're our boy."

We could hear our families talking outside; my family was now arriving after catching the first flight out that morning. We ignored them, to be honest. We knew we couldn't touch him for too long, but we had that moment. That's all that mattered. Leah helped me get into bed with a night of no sleep catching up on me and my stomach sore from the unexpected surgery. I told her everything, from the moment I collapsed onto the bathroom floor in agony to the moment they whisked our son away after birth. She sat forward slightly at the end of the story, her eyes meeting mine.

"So you hadn't actually touched him until now? With me?"
"No, I wanted us to be together for that. I wanted him to meet both of us at the same time."
"There you go again." Leah chuckled.
"What?" I asked softly.
"Making my heart bigger."
"I know how sick he is, Le. I know I should be upset, worried, and all of those things. And I was. I kept thinking he was going to die, but then you got here, and suddenly I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid because, well, because you're here now. You're here with us, and our family is complete."
"I won't leave your side again. Either of you. This is us now—the three of us. This is our future, and we're living it. I love you, Sophie."
"I love you, Le. And I love our future."