Sleep wasn't something my brain understood that night; instead, I opted to leave the house before Leah woke up. Maybe if I had given her that space last night, she could have thought of a nicer way to make her statement. I took myself to a local park, wandering the long pathways to try to distract my mind; nothing was working. I completed multiple loops before returning to my car, realising that I'd left my phone on the car seat in full view of any potential thieves. I rolled my eyes at my lack of thought, sitting in the seat before looking at the screen. I had several missed calls from Leah and multiple replies to my message this morning.

Sophie
Heading out for a few hours, give you some space. Left some painkillers and water on the bedside table.x

Leah
I've just woken up. Where are you?

Leah
Sophie?

Leah
I'm not sure if you're wanting space too, please let me know if you're okay.

I knew she would be worried, opting to reply to get an idea as to whether I should drive home or continue my search for some kind of relief from my heartbreak.

Sophie
Left my phone in the car, went for a walk. Do you want to talk now or later? Is there any point?

I braced myself for the reply, my heart crumbling when I received it.

Leah
I think I need some time. I feel really shown up right now, Sophie. I hope you can understand that. I'll go to my mum's for a few days. I'll be gone before you get back, I'm already packed.

Sophie
I wish I'd never even answered it. I don't see why it has to be a big deal. I'll settle for whatever you want if it means I have you. I'll speak to you when you get back.

Leah
I don't want you to 'settle'. It's a big thing, you can't just settle for it.

Sophie
Yeah. I guess so.

I didn't know what else to say other than simply agreeing with her statement. Deep down, I knew she was right. I had always wanted to get married, more so now that I was with Leah. I suppose I had never really thought of the idea that she might not want that too. I misread her I'll love you forever for a verbal marriage in the future agreement, foolishly. I did mean it, though. If Leah didn't want to get married, then I would remove that part of my dream; I would give up all of my dreams to make the one of growing old with her come true.

The house was empty without Leah; this situation was reminding me of the ending of my relationship with Hannah, mirroring the emptiness that I had felt in the house when she was no longer there. The only difference this time was that Leah's belongings were still here, all but the few she had taken to her mum's. I could still smell her on our bedclothes, still walk into the bathroom and see her shampoo on the rack, and still find her shoes scattered around the place. When Hannah left, I didn't have that. I'm not sure if that made it easier or not; the constant reminders of Leah were making me choke up at almost every turn.

At 11:30 p.m. that night, I had taken myself to bed with the hope of sleep; once again, my brain did not want to acknowledge that my body needed this. I tossed and turned, moving from my own side of the bed to Leah's to inhale the scent of her perfume that had been left on her pillow from last night. I had almost given up on my relationship at this point, almost. In some kind of sign to carry on, my phone pinged as my hand shot to lift it.

Leah
Are you still awake?

Sophie
Yeah. Are you okay?

Leah
Can't sleep.

Sophie
Me neither, I miss you.

Leah
Can I come home?

Sophie
You never need to ask that.

Leah
I'm just around the corner. I'll be there in two.

I smiled at the idea that Leah had made the journey but obviously panicked at the last minute and pulled over to text me, her awkwardness warming my heart. I heard the front door unlock, internally repeating, please come in here, please come in here in my head. I didn't want her to make her way to the spare room. I listened as she slowly made her way to the top of the stairs, pausing for a few seconds at the top before she gradually opened the bedroom door.

"Soph, can I come?" She whispered, as if she didn't know I was awake.
"Yeah. Are you getting in?"
"Yeah. If that's okay?"
"Always, Le."

Leah turned the lights off, making my heart beat a little faster at the idea that she wanted to talk now. She lowered herself onto the bed, lying on her back as she stared at the ceiling. I turned to face her, not knowing whether to try to cuddle her or not.

"I think I'm too sad to cuddle tonight; is that okay?" Leah asked tearfully.
"That's okay, I get it."
"I know you don't understand why I'm so upset. I know that you don't think it's a big deal to me; I just feel a little bit embarrassed that they heard that from you."
"I get it; maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all before we talked. I just didn't see the issue with it, if I'm entirely honest. If it wasn't something you agreed with, then I thought we would just talk it out."
"Yeah. I know I shouldn't have spoken to you like that, swearing at you and stuff; that's never okay. I'm sorry." Leah sighed.
"It's okay, let's just go to sleep. We both need to rest; we can't talk about this on empty."
"Night, Soph."
"Night, Le."

With that, we both turned onto our sides, backs facing each other, but the silence was less painful than it had been last night. I found my eyes closing gradually, and my body was unable to fight the sleep any longer. I woke again just after 4 a.m. to find that Leah had cuddled into my back and wrapped her arms around me after I had fallen asleep. I couldn't fight the headache that I was feeling any longer, gutted that I would have to untangle myself from Leah to get painkillers. I eased out of her grip, pulling the covers back over her as gently as I could to make sure she wouldn't get cold in my absence.

Once downstairs, I poured myself a glass of water and rummaged through the drawers until I found the painkillers. I popped them into the water, waiting for it to dissolve before chugging it back. I began to creep back upstairs, hoping that I could find a way to wrap myself in Leah's arms again without her waking. I suppose I was afraid that she would regret her decision to hold me in the first place.

My heart dropped as I neared the bedroom, seeing the thin strip of light from under the door and knowing that Leah was awake with the bedside lamp on. I opened the door to find a sobbing Leah sitting upright on the bed. I immediately rushed to sit beside her and pull her into me.

"Le, what's going on? I'm here. What's happened?" I said, a soothing tone to my voice.
"I just wanted to hold you. I didn't mean to make you leave." She sobbed.
"What do you mean?"
"I woke up, and you weren't here anymore. I thought you had gone downstairs; I thought you were annoyed that I waited for you to fall asleep and cuddled into you."
"No, silly, I woke up with a headache and went to get some painkillers. I was hoping I could sneak back into your arms when I came back."

Leah's grip around me tightened, her breathing becoming more controlled as she realised that I hadn't left her like she had thought. We sat like that for a while, my fingers making their way through her hair as I gently rocked her back and forth.

"Sophie, can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Why don't you love me the way I love you?"

Leah's words shook me to the core. I couldn't understand why she would think such a thing. The most confusing part was that I didn't understand why she thought this when she was the one who had been annoyed at me for wanting to marry her one day.

"I don't think that's true, Leah. What makes you say that?" I tried to prevent the confusion from coming across as an annoyance.
"Mum said I just have to give you time to feel it too, but I don't understand why it's taking you longer to feel the same way about me. It hurts a lot. I just want you to look at me and think the things I feel when I look at you." She said in between tears.
"I'm really sorry, Le. I'm not following, why does your mum think I need more time to feel the way you do? Why do you think that?"
"I can't say it. Not with the lights on. I feel stupid enough." Leah sighed.
"Let's fix that."

I reached for the switch on the lamp, plunging the room into darkness and climbing over Leah to reach my side of the bed. I found her hand and pulled her close to me, stroking her hair as she unleashed her emotions through an ocean of tears. Once she had calmed down, she finally managed to continue her point.

"I thought that we both felt it; maybe I just got carried away, but hearing you actually say it out loud. Well, it knocked me for six."
"What did I say, Le? You aren't making sense?"
"It's just—if there had been a way, any way, in that moment. I would've."
"Would've what?"
"Married you." Leah buried her face in my chest out of embarrassment.

Suddenly, this was all making sense, I think. Leah wasn't annoyed that I said I wanted to marry her; she wasn't embarrassed because I had said those words and she had been saying the opposite; she was annoyed that I hadn't said I would do it that second. Why didn't I just say what I was thinking?

"Wait, you were hurt because I didn't say yes to that second?" I searched for clarification.
"I know it's silly; I know I'm being a baby -" Leah was interrupted by my need to tell her the truth.
"Wait, I was hurt because I thought you were hurt because you didn't want to get married at all."
"What? Why wouldn't I want to marry you? How many times have I told you I would love you for the rest of my life?"
"I thought I was just a part of your journey." I sighed.
"You are the final part."

Leah's words made my heart beat uncontrollably in my chest. Just as she was my final part, I was hers too.

"Le, I was too scared to say yes; I didn't want to scare you off. I thought you'd say it was too early. I think about marrying you all the time, every day. Multiple times a day."

Leah's head shifted up to rest just above my own, her hands finding either side of my stomach as she balanced herself above me.

"What are we arguing for then?" She asked.
"I don't know. Nothing, I think?" I laughed slightly, making Leah laugh too.
"I want to marry you, Soph. I want to marry you really soon." Leah said as she placed a kiss on my lips.
"I want to marry you too, Le. Right this second." I spoke into her lips, ensuring that I rectified my mistake from the previous night.

After an intense effort at making up, Leah and I lay peacefully in one another's arms. Our hearts beat to the same rhythm, both content that we now shared the same wish: marriage.