The following day, the three of us said goodbye to Mum and headed to meet Rhys for lunch before we went back to London. We had hoped that Liv would be able to sneak a day off school, but Rhys told us that she had been adamant that she wasn't missing out on the opportunity to play with her friends. As much as the growth was now evident between us, I knew I had to accept that this was just part of her growing up.

We spent the afternoon catching up on the things we had missed, with Rhys telling us all the things that Liv had forgotten to mention during our phone calls. It was during this conversation that my heart really began to ache. Leah's hand immediately found its place on my lap as Rhys began to tell us about Liv's prize night at school. She'd won a prize for kindness, and I couldn't help but think that just a year ago, Liv would've been screaming down the phone at me to make sure I was here to watch her receive it.

"I wish I'd seen that." I spoke sadly.
"She probably just assumed you wouldn't be able to come home." Rhys smiled reassuringly.
"I would've."
"I know that."
"Did she ask about me being there?"
"That doesn't matter. Anyway, when are you going back to training, Leah?"

Not so fast.

"Rhys, I asked you a question."
"She probably just thought you'd be too busy with the baby, Sophie. Don't worry." He smiled again.
"No, then?"
"Soph." Leah whispered, giving me those I'm sorry you're hurting eyes.

I dropped it, knowing that I was just making something out of nothing in the eyes of the two of them. To me, though, it felt like I'd gained a son but lost my niece.

It wasn't long until the conversation moved back to how we were doing, and it became obvious that my mum had said something to Rhys about whatever she and Leah had spoken of the night before. To my surprise, Leah outright told Rhys that she had been struggling and that she'd required quite a bit of my time recently.

"I struggled with Liv, too." Rhys admitted.
"I just feel like I'm not doing enough, you know? Soph has practically had to parent two people the last few months."

In that moment, I felt happy that Leah felt she could confide in Rhys so much, but I had no idea why she was actually doing it.

"They make you feel that way, though. They don't mean to, but they do."
"Who does?" Leah asked.
"The doctors, nurses, and health visitors. They put all the emphasis on the birthgiver, and you're like an added extra in the background. I had it with Liv, too. I called it imposter syndrome."
"What's that?"
"You don't believe you deserve to be happy about being a parent because you don't think you actually made any effort to be one. Sophie had him; Sophie was there with him when you were travelling home."
"Rhys!" I scolded.
"I'm not saying that means she doesn't deserve him, Sophie. I'm saying that she feels she doesn't because of that."
"I think you might have a point." Leah nodded.
"You learn to realise that it doesn't matter." He added.
"Doesn't it?" Leah shrugged.
"No. Those people whose opinions you're putting so much importance on right now—in a few months, you'll stop seeing them. You'll probably never see them again. You'll see him, though. You'll see him every day. You start to realise that their opinions don't matter, and only his does."
"I don't know how to get to that point." Leah chuckled nervously.
"You have to think of all the things you have done." Rhys smiled.

We parted ways shortly after that, not speaking of Leah's conversation with Rhys until that night, when we'd arrived back at our own home. I thought Leah seemed irritated because of our imposter syndrome conversation with Rhys, but I couldn't understand why it hadn't made her feel better instead of worse.

And so, another argument began without either of us meaning for it to.

"Rhys spoke some sense earlier, didn't he?"
"Yep."
"Maybe we should try that. Like, make a list of all the things you have done for him."
"Maybe, Soph. Let's just watch this." Leah spoke, her eyes not leaving the TV.
"Yeah, sorry."

A few more minutes of silence between the two of us had me feeling rubbish. I couldn't understand why she'd gone so cold with me or how what Rhys had told her about his own struggles had made her so negative. I attempted to move out of her grip on the sofa but was stopped by her arms wrapping more tightly around my shoulders.

"I don't want to argue, Soph, that's all."
"Argue about what, though? I don't get it."
"Him. We can't talk about him without it ending in an argument."
"What? He was only trying to help you."
"See. Please just leave it." She sighed.
"No! How was he wrong this time?"
"He knows where he has you, Soph. It irritates me."
"Me? How is any of this about me?"
"The Liv thing. She didn't mention you being there; it's bullshit. It's fabricated to make you feel bad about being busy right now." Leah ranted.
"He was nice about it, Leah."
"Somehow that makes it worse." She scoffed.

Is she for real?

"Let me guess, she's just my niece. I shouldn't have to worry that she's missing something if I'm not there. Rhys is her dad, and she can't just expect me to drop everything all the time to be there for her."
"What? No! When did I say any of that?"
"You didn't have to."
"Sophie, did you just compare me being protective of you to Hannah?"
"Well, you do both hate my brother."
"Wow." Leah scoffed, bouncing from the sofa and slamming the door behind her.

She came back home later that evening, not that I actually knew where she had gone. The next two days were painful; we spoke less than we ever had, and her responses to things I asked her came in the form of one or two-word answers.

But then the unthinkable happened.

I'd taken Teddy to meet Paula for lunch, noticing after the first half hour that he appeared to be agitated. The more time that passed, the more I became worried about him and worried that we weren't with Leah right now. Paula understood, not once making me feel silly for worrying about a baby doing something as simple as crying.

"Le? Are you here?" My voice echoed around the house above Teddy's screaming as the door closed behind me.

As if nothing had ever happened between us, Leah appeared from the kitchen and placed her arms around my teary frame.

"Soph, what is it? What's wrong?" She spoke softly.
"There's something wrong with him. He keeps crying, and he's been sick twice on the way home."
"Okay, let's get him into the living room and see how he is now that he's home, yeah?"

Leah was calm; she brought a level of comfort to me that I didn't know I needed. She spoke softly to him in an effort to relax him, carefully taking off his layers as she inspected his skin.

"Soph, he's got a rash, babe."

My heart shattered in two in that moment, but Leah remained as composed as she had been from the beginning.

"It might be nothing, but I think we should get it checked out. What do you think, Soph?"
"Okay." I couldn't formulate a sentence.
"I'm going to call the hospital, okay? They told us to call if we felt he needed to be looked at."
"Yeah."
"Hey, he's going to be okay. I've got you, both of you." She whispered, cradling Teddy in one arm and using the other to pull me closer.

Within a few seconds, Leah had her phone to her ear. The person who struggled to make a doctor's appointment for herself had completely taken the lead with this. It was in that moment that I realised how much I had needed her during the birth. I'd spent months convincing myself that I hadn't, but I know she would've been like this. She would've helped me up from the floor gently, wiped every tear from my cheeks, and reminded me softly that he would be okay.

"Hi, it's Leah Williamson, Teddy's mummy."

Butterflies.

"He became quite unsettled this morning, and when we've had a look at his skin, there's a rash on it."

How is she doing this so calmly?

"Yeah, do we go through A&E or, okay, that's great. See you soon. Thank you."

I stood up, not really knowing the plan but trusting Leah to guide this situation. She kissed the top of my head with a whisper of he'll be back home in no time. I watched as she changed his nappy, put a fresh bib on him, and collected his medication from the cupboard. Things I wouldn't even have thought of.

"I'll drive, Soph." She whispered, gently removing my car keys from my hand and clipping him into his seat.
"I didn't do anything." I whimpered.

She knew we had to get there quickly, starting the car and beginning the drive to the hospital but making sure to take my hand as my eyes stayed focused on Teddy in the back seat.

"Leah, he's being sick again." I panicked.
"He's okay, Soph. If it's something upsetting his tummy he's better off bringing it up anyway. He's not choking or crying; he's okay, babe. We're almost there."
"How are you so calm?" I sighed, frustrated that I couldn't be.
"Because you need me to be."

Butterflies, in the most inappropriate moment.

"I'm sorry, Le. For being a brat about Rhys. I know you just try to protect me."
"Stop, Soph. It's forgotten. We're here, little man." Leah said cheerily, looking in the rearview mirror at Teddy, his face pale.

In that moment, yes, it was forgotten, but I made a mental note to not forget it. Leah obviously had reason to believe that Liv hadn't forgotten me, just like Paula had. I didn't get defensive with Paula, so why did I treat Leah that way?

"Soph?"

Leah's presence at my side of the car snapped me from my thoughts as I tried desperately to find some kind of strength to get through this. We never wanted to come back here.

"Come on, babe. It's okay. I'm here."
"Yeah." I whispered, swallowing to push back the tears.

We were taken straight through to a side ward, likely the result of Leah's need for privacy—well, I suppose it was our need for privacy now, given that the press came after all of us now. The doctor clearly saw my distressed state and opted to speak to Leah about the problem. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if this would make or break her own healing journey.

"He was absolutely fine last night. Soph brought him home about an hour ago, and he was screaming the house down. He settled once he was home, but he was sick on the way here. He didn't finish his feed this morning, but I assumed he was just not feeling it. He's like that sometimes."
"Are you a bit difficult sometimes, Teddy?" The doctor chuckled as he inspected him.
"He is, aren't you, little man?" Leah cooed over him.
"We'll do some checks. As parents, when you see a rash, it's normal to panic. You've done the right thing by bringing him in today. It isn't a meningitis rash, if that helps to settle you both for now."
"Thank god." Leah breathed out, a breath she hadn't shown she was holding in.
"Look, we're going to run some checks. Why don't you two wait in the family room, and we'll come get you once we're done? It'll be very busy in here, and it looks like maybe you need to gather yourselves." The doctor nodded in my direction.

He was right, so I didn't argue.

"C'mon, Soph." Leah whispered.
"He's not going to get really sick again, is he?"
"He seems okay to me, Sophie. My first thought is that it's something viral." The doctor smiled.
"You come get us, yeah? You come get us if anything starts going wrong."
"They will, Soph. C'mon, babe."

I cuddled into her side as she walked us towards the family room, which was thankfully empty. The second we made it to our seats, my tears came faster than I'd known them to come before. Of course, some of them were caused by worry, but some were caused by a sudden realisation that I felt compelled to tell Leah about.

"How did you do it?" I sobbed.
"Do what, Soph?"
"Sit there feeling so helpless for so many months. I just felt like that for a few minutes, and I feel broken. How did you do it?"
"I had you, Soph. And now, you have me. You're strong for me when I need you to be, and I'm strong for you when you need me to be. That's how it's always been. That's how it will always be."
"What happens when we both need someone to be strong?" I chuckled.
"Well, then we're fucked."
"Looks like it."

Just as the sentence left my mouth, the door to the room we were in opened, and the doctor motioned for us to follow him.

"Hand, foot, and mouth. Viral. He'll be right as rain in a few days." The doctor smiled.
"Okay, how does it get treated?"
"It'll go away by itself in a few days. We'll send some medicine home with you to help lower his temperature, and he might be a bit grumpy for a few days, but that'll improve. Keep an eye on his feeding; if he goes longer than 24 hours without having any intake, he'll need to come back in. We're going to keep him tonight for observation and then send him home tomorrow, all being well."

We kept our circle small, telling only the people who needed to know. That didn't include Rhys, not until I knew why Leah immediately thought he was lying. Teddy was discharged the following day, seemingly a little better after a night of being cared for by the people who had saved his life when he was born.

The days that followed brought nothing but family time; we weren't really sure of the risks of having other people around him, so we just chose not to. After biding my time for a few days, I finally broached the topic of Rhys with Leah, waiting until we were cuddled up together on the sofa so she knew I wasn't angry; not any more.

"Can we talk about the Rhys thing?" I asked softly.
"Yeah, I don't want to argue, though."
"Me neither."
"He's your brother, Soph. I think I know him, but I can't possibly know him as well as you do. I know that now, and I'm sorry."
"Sometimes it takes someone from the outside to look in, though. Right?"
"I guess."
"Do you really think he said that to make me feel guilty?"
"I think he struggles with you not being there all the time anymore, yes."
"But Liv didn't ask me to go. He didn't lie about that; she literally didn't."
"Yeah, but in what context? Did she ask him? Did he tell her you were too busy?"
"Do you really think he would do that?"
"It's not about that. It's about what I think Liv would do, Soph."
"What do you mean?"
"Liv has never forgotten you, Soph. She calls you when she's scared, when she's happy, when she's sad, or just when she feels you need to hear that her iPad nearly smashed but didn't. Even when she came to the hospital and met him, she still squeezed herself into that bed with you so you could read her a story before she went home. He was here then, so why now? Why is now the time that she's suddenly decided you're too busy?"
"I don't want to accuse him of it."
"No, neither did I. That's why I just told him about how I'd been, so he would know that you have a lot going on, and it's not that you've forgotten home; it's just that you've had a lot to deal with."
"You did that for me?"
"Yeah. I'd do anything for you, Soph. Even the things that scare me."
"Like pretending you were calm about Teddy's rash?"
"Exactly like that."
"I think I'm going to call Liv." I mumbled.
"I was thinking we should just bring her over here and let her see that she's still important. Once Teddy is better. The last thing I want is for Rhys to think you were doubting him."
"Yeah, that's a better idea." I smiled.
"There's something else I wanted to talk to you about, Soph." Leah said softly, turning to face me and running her fingers over my skin.
"Okay?"
"There's this meeting at Arsenal next week. It's a review to see how I'm getting on and what they can do to help me with going back, when I decide to do that."
"Okay. And have you thought about that yet?"
"A little. I'm not sure I'm ready."
"That's okay."
"Do you want me to go back? If you say no, if the away matches and that are too much, I will just tell them that I can't -"
"You're not quitting football, Le. Not for us. If that was what you wanted, then, of course, I'd support you. I know you miss it, though. Yeah?"
"Yeah, I do. But not because I don't want to be here."
"I miss work too, you know."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Neither of us will be at home forever, Le. We knew that before we had him. It's been prolonged, but normality is slowly returning. The day I see you walk through that door knowing that you're coming home from your first training session will be the new proudest day of my life."
"You'll make me cry." She chuckled.

She went to the meeting the following week; Teddy's illness was long gone, and the days of him being a terror were back. The grocery delivery arrived just before Leah had arrived home, meaning that the moment was very nearly ruined. We spoke briefly of her day as she helped me in with the crates of food, laughing at how much both our strengths had vanished after months of not having time to exercise. With the last crate brought in, Leah returned to her car to bring her stuff in, locking the front door behind her and trying to get my attention, not that I noticed.

"I'm just going to set this bag down here." Leah spoke proudly.
"Cool, can you put that water in the fridge for me, please?"
"Yeah. Let me just set this down."

Why's she being so weird?

"Cool, thanks. How was today, anyway?" I asked, rushing around to put the shopping away before Teddy woke.
"Yeah, it was good. I almost forgot the bag, though."
"What's in the bag?" I chuckled, realising it was obviously important.
"Guess?"
"I have no idea."

Leah proceeded to rush to lift the bag and press it against my chest.

"Open it." She smiled, studying my face for my reaction.

The smile on my face had never been bigger.

"Your kit?" I breathed out, grinning up at her.
"Yeah, Soph. That's good, right?"
"I'm so proud of you." I shrieked as I jumped into her arms.
"I'm not pretending that it's the easiest thing I'll ever do, but I need to start somewhere."
"I'm so proud, Le." I reiterated.
"I couldn't have done this without you, you know. Any of it."
"I can still help you."
"I know you will."
"Like, you're going to need to get fit again."
"Yeah." Leah nodded, raising an eyebrow.
"And Teddy is still sleeping." I smirked.
"He is."
"Sooo..."

As quickly as it began, it ended. The front door opening had Leah practically throwing me off the counter and fixing her hair.

"Hi!" Amanda's voice echoed through the house.
"In here." I chuckled.
"Is it a bad time?" Amanda asked as she entered the kitchen.
"No!" Leah protested.
"Oh god! Sorry!" Amanda's face reddened at the sight of my half-unbuttoned shirt.
"I was just - changing."
"I can come back."
"No, it's fine. Tea?"
"Yeah. Thanks."

Eyes darted around the room, trying not to meet, until Amanda broke the awkwardness by letting out a loud laugh.

"It's not funny." Leah mumbled, covering her face.
"At least it was me and not your grandma." Amanda chuckled harder.
"Mum! Shut up!"

We eventually got round to telling Amanda about Leah's return and the pride she had for her daughter, which made me smile from ear to ear, and helped to take away from the awkward situation that she had found us in.

Life was piecing itself back together, even if at one time we'd never thought it would.