The days after the initial separation were the worst I had ever faced. Every second that I was awake, my brain wanted to replay the events of those final few days. No matter what anyone said, it was impossible not to blame myself for the mess. If I hadn't changed my mind on a baby, would this have happened? I felt like a failure, almost as if all those reservations I'd had about being a parent were real; it really was never meant to be something I did.

I focused on passing the business over, finding a solicitor to liaise with Amanda on the sale because I knew hearing her voice would kill me. Amanda respected my wishes, dealing only with my own legal representative and securing a new partner within a few days of the original proposed sale.

The thing that I hadn't accounted for was how much I missed London, not just Leah. There had been a time in my life when I would have told anyone that London was my worst nightmare, but now I find myself feeling trapped on this tiny island. Rhys was supportive; he used both actions and words to make me feel better about being back in Ireland, with one particular conversation cementing my idea that I couldn't go back to London; it wouldn't make sense for me to do that.

"Look how much time you have for all of us now. You are watching Liv grow up, doing the things you wanted to do before you met Leah."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to upset you."
"You won't."
"Well, you barely seen Liv. She had you at her matches when you weren't working - yeah, I know you tried to take Liv when you could, but I had to pressure her into messaging you because she didn't mention you anymore."

Well, if my heart wasn't already broken, it is now.

"Really?" I sniffled.
"Yeah, but you're back now. We're all back together again, yeah?"
"Yeah. You're right. I can't go back there."

And so, I set off on the journey of trying to find myself employment again, even beginning a property search to buy another house.

"Hi, Sophie. It's Mark here from Wilson & Co., just giving you a ring back after your interview."
"Hi, Mark."

Please say yes.

"So, we absolutely loved your interview. Your experience is incredible, and we would've loved to have given you an offer of employment."

Loved. Here we go again.

"But?" I sighed.
"We reached out to your previous employer for a reference, and he wasn't exactly happy to provide us with one. You know how the industry is, Sophie, and we just can't take the risk of taking on someone with a poor reputation."
"Yeah. I've heard that quite a lot recently. Thanks anyway."
"Best of luck in your search, Sophie."

Fuck off.

"Thanks."

I'd exhausted all of my options in Ireland, but knowing that I couldn't leave made things even more difficult. Rhys was right; Liv had been the most important person in my life for so long, and if I were to go again, who's to say I wouldn't risk her forgetting me again?

That's it settled; I'll just have to leave law altogether.

I made my way downstairs, sighing internally as I heard mum's voice in the living room. She has loved every second of my broken heart. The second I entered the room, Rhys practically threw himself across the sofa to grab the remote and turn the football off on the TV.

"I can watch football without having a breakdown, you know." I rolled my eyes.
"Sorry." He said softly.

Liv was lying on the floor, colouring in a picture from a magazine, humming to herself as she kicked her feet up and down. She had this habit of sticking her tongue out when she was trying to concentrate, often crying after accidentally biting it, but to me, it was the cutest thing in the world. Mum was rabbiting on about some new contract that she had signed with a private health company, talking on purpose about how many sports professionals she was going to work with. I ignored her, knowing that she wanted the opportunity to talk about how horrible they all were, wanting more than anything for me to engage in some kind of slandering match about Leah.

"I miss Leah." Liv sighed out of the blue.

Not this again.

"Yeah, you've said." I mumbled.
"Do you think she will come see us soon?"

Yeah, course. Let me just call her.

"No, Liv. We've been through this."
"Can I call her?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"But why?" Liv repeated.

Jesus Christ.

"I said no."
"I'm gonna call her anyway."

Can I be angry at her attitude when she literally gets it from me?

"Why can't you just do as you're told? Leah doesn't want either of us to call her, okay? She doesn't want to talk to us!" I shouted.
"Sophie!"
"What, Rhys? What should I do? Just sit here and pretend that we were ever important to her? Pretend that she actually ever planned on making any of the things she promised come true? Is that what you want me to do? Lie to her?"

Bit far, Sophie. Don't back down, though; you're always right.

"I hate you!" Liv sobbed.
"One day you'll be glad that I told you the hard truths in life."
"She's a child, Sophie. A child." Mum scoffed.

Like I'm going to take advice from her.

"Oh, sorry. I forgot you were all about protecting your children."

Ha, speechless. Just how I like it.

"C'mere, Liv." Rhys spoke softly to the crying youngster.

I was too upset to care, exiting the room and dialling Paula's number.

"Sophie!" Paula said cheerfully.
"Hi, P. How's it going?"
"Awful. I miss you. This is shit. Peter is such a dick."
"I'm sorry." I sighed.
"Don't be; I'm just moaning. When are you coming back to London?"
"I'm not, P."
"What?" She gasped.
"I've been talking to Rhys; I'm not going to come back. He's right."
"Why, what did he say?"

She really can't stand him.

"Just helped me to see that I was missing out on so much with Liv by living far away. I didn't realise it at the time, but even he said that he was having to remind her to call me and stuff because she was starting to forget about me. I don't ever want that to happen."
"I bet you don't."

Weird tone, Paula.

"What was that?" I chuckled.
"What was what?"
"That tone?"
"It's none of my business."
"No, but I value your opinion. And you clearly have one."
"You don't think it's a coincidence that he's saying this now? I mean, do you know how many calls I watched you take from Liv at 3 p.m. every day when she got home from school? Nights we worked late and she called you to say night when she was at her mum's. That day that Leah surprised you with her in the office, she ran straight into your arms, Sophie. Kids don't do that with people they're starting to forget. She's your weak spot, and I know you'll hate me for this, but Rhys knows that. He never wanted you in London; he never wanted you to live anywhere but Ireland." Paula sighed.

Don't kick off, Sophie.

"Thank you; I'll take that on board."
"You do realise I've been in many meetings with you?" Paula chuckled.
"What do you mean?"
"You say I'll take that on board when you really mean that's a stupid thing to suggest."
"God, I really am transparent, aren't I?" I chuckled.
"You are. Whatever you do, I'm always going to be here."
"Thanks, P. Catch up soon?"
"Yeah. Bye, Sophie."

There was only one thing I had taken from Paula's phone call, and that was that Liv was my weak spot. I hate you. That phrase played over and over again in my mind. I knew she didn't; I knew she was just upset, but the idea that she would go to sleep tonight thinking I was mad at her wasn't going to work for me. I thought I would catch her before bed, but when I went back into the living room, Rhys grunted at me, saying that she was already asleep.

I thought I'd check anyway.

He was lying; she was in bed, but she certainly wasn't asleep. I crept across to the side of her bed, watching as her eyes followed me across the room.

"Hey, mate. Can I get in?" I asked softly.
"Ok."

I pulled back the covers and climbed in beside her, pushing her hair back from her forehead with my hand.

"Leah did love you." I whispered.
"It's ok."
"No, it's not. I'm just upset with her, but that doesn't mean that I should've said that to you. Maybe I'm just jealous."
"Of me?"
"Yeah. You know, all the times when you were with us both, that's when she was happiest?"
"Really?"
"Yeah, she did that big smile."
"The one when you could see all of her teeth?" Liv chuckled.
"Yeah, that one." I smiled.
"I'm sorry, Auntie Sophie."
"What're you sorry for, silly?"
"Maybe if I didn't have to go to school, I could've stayed with you more, and then Leah would've been more happy, and she wouldn't have broken your heart."

Liv said this with such conviction that I knew it was something she'd given a lot of thought to. She was just a child, but a child who felt that she could've, or should've, done something more to protect me from something she shouldn't have known anything about.

I had to show her that love isn't everything and that it's still possible to do all the things you did before, even after love has ended.

"My heart isn't broken, Liv. It's a little bit sad, and it will be a little bit sad for a while. That's nothing that you could've changed, even if you were there all the time. You want to know why my heart isn't broken?"
"Yeah." Liv nodded.
"Because the only thing that would ever completely break my heart would be if you weren't my friend anymore. I can get over Leah not being my friend anymore, but if you hated me, I don't think I could cope with that."
"I am always gonna be your friend, Auntie Sophie. And you're always gonna be mine. I know I say that Lexi in my class is my bestest friend, but that's just in school. You are my bestest friend in the whole world."
"You're mine too." I smiled, watching Liv snuggle her body next to mine.
"Auntie Sophie?"
"Yeah?"
"I thought Leah was your girlfriend."
"She was?"
"Oh, you said friend."
"I didn't mean literally, Liv." I chuckled.
"I don't know what that means, but ok."

We both chuckled, Liv's laugh turning into a yawn and prompting me back into that auntie lifestyle.

"Right you, sleep time." I whispered.
"I know. I just stayed awake until you came to see me."
"How did you know I was coming up here?"
"Because you never fall out with me." Liv shrugged.
"Never. Night night." I said softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead and watching as her eyes fluttered shut.

Maybe Paula had a point; if Liv knew I would always be there, even when I'd been a psycho earlier, what difference did it make if I was in London?

I began applying for jobs based there, and I was absolutely fuming when the first place to offer me a job was Campbell's. Rhys took it really badly, telling me that Liv would be devastated and that I was making one of the biggest mistakes. It was the first time I'd truly put myself first. I nervously told Liv of my plans, relief filling my body as she simply grinned, uttering one sentence that cemented my decision.

"I'm gonna come visit you all the time."

Back to London I go.