Before I left for work the following morning, I helped Leah into bed. Despite our time together on the sofa through the night, I still hadn't managed to rationalise my mind. I knew I wanted to be with Leah; I didn't want us to end, but I also knew that I couldn't possibly carry on like this. Since I had known Leah, she had been injured twice, and both times it had resulted in our relationship suffering because of it. If I stayed, was I opening myself up to that constantly? On the other hand, Leah really needed me right now; if I wasn't there for her through this, was I basically ending it anyway?

The morning dragged; it was like when you're waiting for a bus and every minute feels like an hour. Business was slow; it may have been steady, but slow and a law firm don't bode well. We needed to find clients fast, and our need for revenue to be able to produce results was becoming clear. Before last night, I knew that I had the ability to represent those big clients; Leah's words had significantly dulled my sparkle of confidence. Shortly after 2 p.m., as I was flicking through pictures of Leah and me, Paula knocked on the door of the office. I sighed to myself, hoping that this wasn't Leah pretending to be a client again; I wasn't ready to face her, certainly not in my office anyway.

"I know something is going on, but Mr. Young is here to see you." Paula sighed.
"Nothing that impacts the business. Send him through." I smiled.

Mr. Young's case had been plastered over the news in recent weeks. He was a renowned London actor, highly admired by the public, until his wife, a former model, decided to divorce him. It was a messy breakup; nasty messages were exchanged and publicised, and Mrs. Young claimed that Mr. Young had been cheating with a younger woman. My stance of not representing the guilty was still one I would not surrender, no matter how much money I needed. I reminded myself of that as I watched him enter the room, immediately smelling his aftershave and recognising his suit as Dior.

"Mr. Young, take a seat." I smiled.
"Thank you, Miss Kelly. Fantastic office you have here." His posh London accent strong.
"I appreciate the compliment. How can I assist you?"
"You came highly recommended. I'm sure you have read the coverage of my not-so-friendly divorce. I could really lend a hand, Miss Kelly."
"Sophie is fine. Let's get a few things out of the way, younger woman?"
"I can assure you that is nothing but a vindictive lie; I love Geraldine. I could never have made her feel that way."

Love. Not loved. That was all it had taken—a simple present tense term. Often, I ask those questions not for the sentence but for the words within the sentence. In this case, had Mr. Young used the word loved, I would know that he was no longer in love with Geraldine, and therefore there would be a possibility that he had cheated. The present tense showed that he still thought of her as a part of him. As our conversation continued, it became clear that all Mr. Young wished to do was protect himself from serious financial loss. He didn't wish to leave her with nothing; in fact, he wanted her to have more than half of his savings; he just didn't want to be left with nothing. We agreed on terms; his legal fees would be enough to cover our current outgoings and more. I wish I could call Leah to tell her.

We set a few dates for case building before I walked him to the door of the offices, I just had one more question for him.

"You said I came highly recommended; do you mind telling me who by?" I questioned.
"Of course, young Liam. Works in your Belfast office, said you were whisked away to London by Lloyd & Sons."
"Don't you want to know why I don't work there anymore?"
"I already do. That's why I chose you."
"What do you mean, Mr. Young?" I asked, confused.
"You gave up a job with the biggest law firm in the UK for love. You obviously have a deep understanding of love, so I knew you would understand that I don't want to leave my Geraldine with nothing." He smiled.
"Indeed, I do." I smiled back.

Paula and I had a late celebratory lunch that day. It felt good to be able to celebrate this moment with her after all of our hard work, but I still felt a heaviness in my heart. I want to tell Leah. I spent the rest of the afternoon compiling the case outline for the biggest case for the firm so far. I had just 35 days until the court hearing to make a case for Geraldine to stop this punishment of Mr. Young and accept what he was offering. As promised, I texted Amanda with an update; this time it was a positive one, one I hadn't had to sugarcoat to stop her from worrying about her investment.

Sophie
Great news, got the Young case! I will get Paula to send you a breakdown of income when she has a minute. All go here, 35 days til court!

Amanda
Brilliant news, Sophie. We all knew you could do it. Time is a healer. I'm so proud of you, I bet Leah is too?

Amanda's reply shocked me. I had expected that Leah would have already told her mum what had gone on. Was she embarrassed by her actions? Either way, I knew I needed to bring Leah in on this; I didn't want her mum to mention it, and I didn't want her to have to lie to Amanda about why she didn't know.

Sophie
Got the Young case. Your Mum will probably mention it when she calls today.

Leah
I'm so proud, Soph. So so proud. What time will you be home? Can we talk?

Sophie
Normal time. Yes, I think we need to.

Leah
I'm scared

I knew I should have replied to Leah. I hated to know that she was afraid and that I wasn't able to protect her from this. That was it, though; this was something I couldn't protect her from. I tried to look after her, but she rejected my help. Did I want to give her the opportunity to do that again? Focus, Sophie.

— — — —

Once again, dread filled my body as I turned the key in the door of the home Leah and I shared. I could hear the faint noise of the TV from the living room, following the dim flickering light until I set my eyes upon her. She had her leg stretched out over the coffee table, her head resting on the arm of the chair, and pillows snuggled into her body. I wondered if she had been pretending that they were me, as I had with her the previous night. Is it normal to have to wonder about so many things in a relationship? Shouldn't I just know them?

Leah's eyes found my own. I didn't see anger or defensiveness in them, just pure sadness. She turned her lips slightly upward, forcing the bleakest smile I have witnessed from her face.

"Hi." She spoke softly.
"Hi, how's the foot?"
"Sore. I didn't realise how much you had been doing for me until I had to do it all myself."

I knew what she was trying to say: you don't know what you have until it's gone. But I didn't want to be that person—the person that someone misses when they are no longer around. I had been that person for my own mum for many years. Her reluctance to accept me for the person I was, but drunken phone calls of I miss my baby at 4 a.m. when she had no one to fly her home. I took a seat beside Leah, leaving enough distance for her to know that I didn't want to feel her touch yet; I wasn't ready.

"Leah, I think it's time you told me the truth. Don't you?" I sighed.
"What about?"
"Why do you only want me when things are good?"
"That's not true, Sophie. I know being injured has really impacted the length of my fuse, but I have always wanted you. I wanted you even when you walked out on me that night."
"What night?"
"The night the news articles broke about Colin."
"That doesn't count anymore, Leah. You can't be my supporter that night and then throw it in my face like they did when you're angry." I said firmly.
"I threw it in your face to make you leave, but when you started to go, I didn't know what to do." Leah sighed.
"You wanted me to leave?" I asked, more confused now than ever.
"Yes. I wanted you to be free of the burden I was being. I wanted you to not have to work from 8 a.m. until 5 p.m. and then come home and make dinner for me. Help me to bath, shower, and get myself into bed. I wanted you to be able to relax."

I understood this feeling of being a burden, but how could this ever work if Leah was always going to think like that? What did a relationship mean to her? If I were ever hurt, would she feel that she wanted to be free of me?

"Why did you ask me to marry you then?"
"Soph - you know why. I love you, and I want forever with you." She screwed her face up at my questioning.
"And what? Live happily ever after? Life doesn't work like that, Leah. Sometimes we'll be perfect, other times we won't. Sometimes we'll be healthy; other times we won't. Sometimes we'll be carefree; other times we won't. How do you expect to have a marriage if you only want the fairytale parts?"
"I don't want to be vulnerable." I watched as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"Not being vulnerable doesn't work if you want a relationship to work, Leah. I don't know how we can come back from this if you don't want to be vulnerable with me."
"I just need time, Soph. I'm not used to this." She cried.
"Time? You are the one who started an argument over my in-time comment about a marriage in the first place. If you needed time, why didn't you say that instead of allowing me to invest my time in this?" I could feel myself getting angrier as I spoke.
"I knew that time wouldn't change the fact that you're my soulmate, Sophie. It's never been a question of whether I would marry you or not. Just a question of when I would feel fully comfortable letting my barriers down." She sighed.
"You not letting your barriers down before you decided to propose to me is exactly what has made it a question of whether you will marry me or not, Leah."

The conversation with Leah didn't go where I had hoped; I suppose foolishly, I had thought we might already be laughing about something by now. Time. Amanda said it heals, but does it? Right now, I feel like Leah and I are running out of time.

I headed to the shower, spending as much time as I could under the warm water that rained from my head to my toes. I wrapped myself in a towel, quickly getting dried and changed for bed before climbing in beside Leah. There were no words spoken, just the feeling of her hand lightly stroking my hair as we lay in bed at 9pm. Every bone in my body wanted to turn and throw my arms around her shaking body, but I couldn't. If she can't be vulnerable, then neither can I. After more than an hour, Leah eventually broke the silence.

"Soph, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure." I whispered.
"Why, out of everything I said, was girlfriend the thing that you reacted to?"
"Because from the moment we were engaged, I have thought of the day when I can shout it from the rooftops. We said we would wait, so behind closed doors, I loved the opportunity to be able to call you that. Girlfriend just seemed so cold after everything we've been through together." I maintained a low volume.
"I don't want you to think that I ever regretted that decision, Soph." She placed a kiss on my shoulder, making my stomach erupt with butterflies, much to my annoyance.
"But yet, you have given me every reason to think that, Le. That's the hardest part in all of this."

Not much had changed from our talk; we hadn't actually moved forward, maybe backwards. Still, though, I knew I wanted to be with Leah. Deep down, I knew she wanted to be with me too, but I refused to jump back into something before she had told me the entire truth. Something I knew she wasn't doing yet.

It was coming, though, I just had to give it time.