A/N - Hi, guys! Sorry about the delay in updating. Writing has been a bit of a slow process as of late, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end. I'm a little bit apprehensive about publishing this chapter. Here's hoping it's not awful! 🤞 Thanks for reading/voting/commenting, as always! 😁 -H. x

Dec wanted him back.

"So you-" Both men spoke at the same instant, in complete sync, stopping when they realized they were speaking over each other.

"You want to-" Their two voices spoke as one again, and they stopped abruptly, both letting out a wet chuckle.

"Go on," Dec murmured, damp eyes trained on Ant and mouth slightly agape as if he was hanging on Ant's every word.

There was a kaleidoscope of emotions passing through Dec's eyes, and Ant found himself getting lost in them for a moment, trying to discover every feeling, every thought. Perhaps too afraid that he had misread the signs and would be cruelly disappointed. But there was no mistaking the glow of hope and love currently sparkling in his best friend's eyes. Still, Ant couldn't quite bring himself to say the words.

"Ant?" Dec pleaded quietly, desperately, "Please just say it. Please."

Ant hesitated a few seconds further, still studying Dec intently, his own insecurities running rampant and showing clearly in his features. But then Dec brought out his sad puppy dog eyes, and Ant couldn't resist any longer. He knew Dec knew. So he merely nodded in the end, answering with a single word.

"Aye."

The next moment, Ant was forcefully propelled backward and pinned to the sofa, his best friend wrapped around him in a hug so tight he could barely breathe. If it hadn't been Declan squeezing him so tight, he would have gotten claustrophobic, but the bundle in his arms was precious and familiar despite the discomfort radiating through his ribcage. Arms automatically coming up to gently pat Dec on the back, Ant felt hot wetness against his neck and realized Dec was crying.

Seconds turned into minutes, and still Dec continued to cry, shuddering breaths wracking his small frame. And he wasn't the only one crying in that house. Ant was in floods of tears, too. He'd been too shocked by Dec's assault at first to realize exactly why his best friend was clinging to him like a child clung to a beloved teddy that kept him safe from the monsters at night.

But slowly, ever so slowly, the penny had dropped. And that's when he'd begun crying, too.

In all honesty, he'd never realized quite how much he meant to Dec. Yes, of course he knew Dec loved him dearly – or he had done for the past 20-odd years – and was very clingy and hated being apart. But he'd never understood the extent of Dec's attachment to him.

And he'd certainly never realized just how much Dec clearly wanted, no, needed, him as his partner in crime on screen. The hot tears of relief currently wetting his jumper were answer enough, though, as was the incredibly tight grip of the arms wrapped around him.

Dec really and truly wanted him back. 

Not that it could, or even should, come to fruition, them getting back together on screen. Not now.

It was several minutes before Dec's tears slowed to hiccups, and then to those shuddery breaths that follow a period of hard crying. Slowly, ever so slowly, his grip on Ant loosened until he finally let go, sniffling thickly, his swollen, red-rimmed eyes finding Ant's.

Ant was equally a mess, his face ruddy and wet with tears, long eyelashes matted together. And as they locked eyes, Ant was taken aback by the look Dec was giving him. It was pure love, just unadulterated affection, his eyes seemingly swimming with relief and deep, undying loyalty.

"It means that much to you?" Ant asked, voice a hoarse whisper.

Dec hesitated, searching Ant's face for an answer before responding. He seemed anxious all of a sudden, as if afraid that he'd misinterpreted the meaning of Ant's response minutes earlier. Rather than answering Ant's question, he asked one of his own, tremulously, apprehensively. "It's what you really want, deep down??"

"Aye, but..." Ant trailed off, biting his lip. "It's nowt but a dream, Declan. Just 'cause I love our job an' want to keep doing what we do together, it doesn't mean it'll actually happen."

Ant let out a dejected sigh, his throat aching with yet more unshed tears. "The public, I'm sure they've had enough of me now, kidda. I've not exactly done meself any favors lately."

He briefly hesitated before adding, "And I'm not ready to even start thinkin' about trying to come back. It'd break me if it didn't work out," his voice broke, "if I let you down again and ruined your career as well as mine."

To his surprise, Dec reached up and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close and squeezing him against his side. "Mate," he said gently, "It's never been mine or yours. It's always been our career, we're in this together. And anyway, it doesn't matter if it doesn't work out, us coming back...'Cause I'm not gonna go on without you, so there is no 'your career' to worry about. It's us together or nowt, Ant."

Ant was horrified. "Declan! You can't just give it all up like that! There's so much more you could do! What the-"

Dec cut in, voice trembling and a shiver running through his slight frame as he removed his arm from around Ant's shoulders, instead nestling into Ant's side as if desperate for comfort, their bodies slotting perfectly together. "Going solo is the most f***ing terrifying thing I've ever done, Ant, an' I just...I-, I get all p-panicky just thinkin' about it..."

He shivered again, burrowing deeper into Ant's side as if seeking safety from an unseen enemy. For his part, Ant just stared dumbly at Dec, automatically freeing his trapped arm and draping it around Dec to allow him to gain the physical reassurance he needed at that moment in time. Dec was carefully regulating his breathing, pupils moderately dilated and lips pursed as he slowly breathed in and out, clearly attempting to work through a moment of panic brought on by the mere thought of going solo.

Ant wasn't feeling too great himself, the thought of going back to work making him feel incredibly stressed and anxious. Not just because he was certain it was all a pipe dream anyway, an impossibility given his complete ruination of the public's trust in them – well, him, to be exact – but also because he wasn't ready.

He wasn't ready to think about the pressures of being back in the limelight. He couldn't even begin to think about going back on screen, in front of millions of people. Facing the scrutiny of the world, being judged on everything he said and did....No, no, no. He wasn't ready. Not by a long shot.

That wasn't to say that he wouldn't do it if Dec really needed him to. He'd try his darnedest to walk on water, to do anything – even coming back in a few short weeks' time for BGT – if it was what Dec needed at that moment in time. But the truth of the matter was that he really was not ready, mentally, emotionally, or even physically. 

Not that he should even entertain the thought of coming back, anyway.

Pushing down the beginnings of an anxiety attack himself, Ant shuddered, refocusing his gaze on his little friend, who was now staring worriedly up at him, eyes full of loving concern. Ant attempted to raise a smile but more or less failed, murmuring, "I'm not ready, Declan. I can't think about this right now, it's too much. I'm sorry."

"Aye, I know," Dec replied softly, hand reaching out and gently pressing Ant's wrist, "And that's okay. We've got all the time in the world, love. Just knowin'-" his voice choked up and broke, "knowin' I'm not doing all this for nowt. It helps...helps me get through..."

"There's no way it's actually gonna work, ya know, us comin' back," Ant said quickly, voice heavy with guilt, "I've wrecked our image, there's no way back from it this time. Don't lie to yourself, Declan."

"No way...?" Dec repeated incredulously, "Oh, Ant, you haven't got a clue, pet. There are thousands of people out there who want you back."

"Aye, well, our viewing figures are gonna tank, then," Ant said sarcastically, "We need millions, not thousands, Declan."

"I've not bloody counted 'em, have I!" Dec retorted, rolling his eyes. Becoming quietly reassuring now, he added, "Anyway, I-, I don't want you worryin' about all that s***, okay? I'll just keep, erm, k-keep everything warm for you 'til you're ready. I want you focusing on getting better. That's the only thing that really matters."

"Are you gonna be okay, though?" Ant asked, ocean blue eyes fixing Dec with a look of overwhelming concern.

Dec smiled, or tried to smile, anyway – it was a very poor attempt, only resulting in a tiny twitch of his lips despite his best efforts – shrugged, and responded simply, "I'm always fine, me."

Ant snorted and sarcastically shook his head. "Says the guy who's attempted suicide twice and has battled with anxiety and insecurity his whole life."

Dec tensed and averted his gaze while at the same time curling even closer to Ant, seeming desperate for the calming contact that had helped to ground him throughout the past 29 years of his life. After a moment, he let out a shaky breath and mumbled, "I'd rather not dwell on it, thank you very much."

"I know, Declan, but it's sort of unavoidable, pet," Ant replied, voice now soft and loving but still very much worried. "BGT starts in what, three weeks?"

Dec didn't respond, merely shivering and huddling into himself like a small child afraid of the dark.

Ant sighed. Dec had always been incredibly insecure about many things in life, despite his generally cool, professional exterior on screen. Most people had no idea that, inside, he was slightly neurotic, an obsessive worrier and someone who was actually quite shy and easily intimidated despite his cheeky, outgoing public persona. Dec had his coping mechanisms, and they had helped to get him through over the years, but, unfortunately, many of his coping mechanisms involved Ant.

Whether it was a quiet heart to heart – just the two of them working through the root cause(s) of Dec's anxiety – or a cuddle, or Ant just being there for Dec when he was having a meltdown and reassuring him that everything would be all right, or even something as simple as them hanging out and doing something together to take his mind off and help to relieve his stress...Sometimes the only thing Dec needed before a show was them having a nonsense chat that resulted in a good laugh – the sillier and more ridiculous the subject the better.

In fact, now that Ant thought about it, basically all of Dec's coping mechanisms, apart from religion, working out, and the occasional binge of stress eating, involved him. Dec mainly relied on him to cope with the pressures and stresses of fame and their career. It had always been that way, Ant realized. He'd never really thought about it before because it was just how they were, it had been their normal way of being from the very start – they helped each other all the time without even thinking about it, each in their own special ways.

And now Dec had nothing. What a lonely and utterly terrifying existence it must be, being all on your own out there, without any form of normalcy whatsoever. Nothing to take your mind off the upcoming show, no one to give you a hug or a pep talk, just you all alone in a silent, desolate, echoey dressing room. Ant knew he relied on their little pre-show rituals and chats to keep him calm in the run-up to a show, too; it wasn't just Dec who needed that. So how the hell had Dec coped on Takeaway?!

And yet he'd done it, Ant's subconscious reminded him snarkily. He'd gotten through. He could cope, he just didn't realize it. Dec didn't actually need him, the voices in Ant's mind taunted, he just thought he did through force of habit. 

It was a bit of a lightbulb moment for Ant, who, despite his mind's taunting, gained a new appreciation for just how much Dec needed him. But more than anything else, it compounded his guilt and poured fuel on the fire of self-hatred he'd been battling for months, making it crash down around him with a sickening thud, its flames consuming him whole.

How could he have done this to his one true friend? How could he have been so selfish, so wrapped up in himself and his problems that he not once had given a thought to what consequences his actions might have? That he'd never even considered the fact that the one person who relied on him and meant the entire world to him would suffer the most when the inevitable happened and his actions resulted in this s***show they currently found themselves in?

What the hell was he doing, what the f*** was he thinking?? Throughout their career together, there had always been that knowledge that, if you messed up, it would affect the other person just as much as yourself. It had kept them both on the straight and narrow – with a couple of bobbles here and there – just knowing that their actions could hurt the person they loved. How had he come to completely relinquish his duties as a trustworthy, professional partner?? Since when had he started failing to think about his best friend and feel responsibility for him?

And why on earth did Dec keep coming back for more? Dec should've shunned him, left him behind in the forgotten past where he belonged. Why the hell did he want him back?!?

He could hear the taunting voices in his head, they were getting louder and louder and louder, their words cutting deep into his very soul as he realized they were right...

How could he possibly have thought he was good for Dec?? All he'd done these past couple of years was bring spades' worth of stress, pain, and worry into Dec's life. Everything he touched was tainted. And now he'd wrecked the one thing Dec still had left – their career.

And yet here he was, pretending like he was Dec's friend?! Enemy more like! What sort of f***ing b-.

"Ant???" A small, worried voice sounded from somewhere in the distance.

"Ant!!!" A tentative, but hard, slap against his shoulder jolted Ant out of the tornado of toxic emotions he'd been swept up in, bringing him back to the present. The dark cloud around him did not lift, however, and now his lips moved bitterly of their own accord, "Go away, Declan, just leave me alone! I'm a f***ing selfish ba****d and I don't f***ing deserve you."

It was mildly terrifying just how quickly Ant's mood and frame of mind could change sometimes. One minute he was patient, reassuring, loving, the next he was dark, stormy, and full of temper. It certainly was nothing new. He'd always been that way, although it normally wasn't such a drastic change as this, and Dec was more than used to dealing with and managing his best mate's mood swings. But this was something else.

Ant's head was held low, his fists clenched at his sides, jaw tight, and eyes hard and swirling with hurt and anger. He looked both like a beaten puppy and an enraged adder ready to strike...himself. Cursing softly, Dec reached out and took one of Ant's rigid fists in his hand, attempting to uncurl Ant's fingers.

He didn't get very far. As soon as he touched Ant, Ant recoiled and sprang up from the couch, whirling around to face Dec. His eyes were wild with pain, features almost unrecognizable. "I told you," he ground out through clenched teeth, "to leave, Declan."

Rising to the challenging tone in Ant's voice, Dec stood to his full height, gazing up at his friend bravely. "No, Ant. I won't. Why the hell would I leave when you're like this?!"

Dec stepped closer, only to have Ant shake his head at him and back away. "Don't come near me," his voice was low and oddly strangled, almost pleading, "Stay away from me, I'm not good for you, Declan. I'll ruin you, too, just like I've f***ed up everything else."

"Like hell I'll stay away!" Dec snapped, making a grab for Ant's arm as he stepped back again. "You're talking rubbish, man!"

"Don't touch me!" Ant growled, twisting to avoid Dec's hand.

Dec darted forward and snagged one of Ant's arms, intending to just hold his friend still and ground him so that he could try to break through to him. It didn't quite go to plan.

As soon as his fingers wrapped tightly around Ant's forearm, Ant snarled, "Get off-!" and violently wrenched his arm away from Dec, inadvertently flinging his smaller friend into a rapid downward trajectory to the floor, which he hit with a heavy thud.

Ant froze. Dec lay there for several moments, completely winded and staring up at Ant with a wide, almost imperceptibly frightened but infinitely shocked, gaze.

Dec's heart was racing and it felt hard to breathe, not just because the entire right side of his ribcage was smarting with pain. Ant was never rough with him. Yes, this had clearly been an accident, but that didn't make it any less surprising. Even when he was in a bad frame of mind and wasn't in the mood for being touched or hugged, Ant was always gentle with him. He never used enough force in his avoidance tactics to even risk hurting him.

Dec didn't have long to consider this new development in their relationship, however, as Ant burst into tears, sinking down to the floor in an abject heap of misery, face buried in his trembling hands. He began muttering incomprehensibly to himself through his sobs, entire body shuddering with the force of his internalized pain.

With a quiet groan and a not-so-subtle wince, Dec picked himself up off of the floor, gingerly attempting a stretch before thinking better of it when a burning pain streaked down his right side. Taking the few steps over to his best friend, Dec knelt down next to him, touching his shoulder lightly and murmuring his name.

When Ant didn't respond, instead crying even harder, Dec sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling his weeping friend close. Stroking his shoulder gently, Dec whispered, "What's all this about, eh? What was all that rubbish about not bein' good for me?? You know you're the best thing that ever happened to me, right?"

At that, Ant shook his head firmly, managing to mumble through his unrelenting tears, "No, I'm not! I'm the worst thing that ever happened to you!"

"That's utter horse s***e and you know it!" Dec exclaimed, heart throbbing brokenly at the thought of Ant even thinking that. "I'd be naff all without you, Ant. The only reason we've been successful is 'cause we have each other, nowt else."

"I've held you back all along, Declan, can't you see?? I'm nowt." Ant pulled away from Dec's chest and raised his glassy gaze to meet Dec's. "If ya hadn't been lumbered wi' me, you'd've achieved so much more, Declan. So much more."

Dec stared, open-mouthed, at his best friend. He was, to put it quite simply, speechless.

It wasn't just what Ant was saying...It was the complete and utter conviction with which he was saying it. It was more than evident that he believed every single word. But the thing that was even worse was his eyes. It was like Dec had been catapulted back to March 21st, the day he thought he'd said his last goodbye to his only true friend. The day he'd no longer recognized the person he'd spent almost his entire life with.

The spark of life had gone out in Ant's eyes.

Dec was terrified.

But as they had done throughout their 29-year relationship, within moments his extremely protective instincts kicked in, and with them came the burning, unrelinquishing fire of unconditional love and loyalty.

"Where the heck is all this coming from, eh??" he questioned softly, latching onto Ant's upper arm and gently jostling him from side to side. "It's all poppycock! Not one bit of it is true."

Ant shrugged, another tear wending its way down a well-traveled path across his cheek. "It is true, ya just don't want to see it. You've always wanted to see the good in people, Declan. You've let some stupid sense of loyalty or who knows what destroy everything you ever had. If you'd-"

"Ant!" Dec cut in, voice stern but loving, bewildered yet sure, "Hold it right there, mister! Whaddaya mean, everything I ever had has been destroyed?! You're all I ever had! You're the only thing I have that really matters."

Ant shook his head, starting to protest, but Dec cut him off again. "No, you listen to me now. D'you remember the day we were told we were bein' written out of Byker Grove? When we got in me MG Metro Turbo and drove down to the quayside? What did we have then, eh? Tell me, what did we have??"

Ant sighed, mumbling, "This is stupid, Declan."

"Answer me!" Dec implored him, his gaze seemingly boring straight through to Ant's soul. "Tell me, what did we have the day our world ended?"

"Erm...We had a little bit of money saved up...And your car...Nowt else."

"We had each other, ya radgie!" Dec exclaimed exasperatedly. "We had each other, and that's all we had!"

"Yeah, and a fat lot o' good I turned out to be," Ant muttered, sounding close to tears again, "Only went and ruined everythin' for ya."

"Bloody hell, Ant!!!" Dec spluttered indignantly, "You're not listenin' to a word I'm sayin'!"

"An' you're not listenin' to me!" Ant returned fiercely, "You've got your happy little rose-tinted glasses on so ya can't see you'd be better off without me! Ya know it's true, deep down, ya just don't wanna admit it 'cause ya think you've gotta stick by me outta loyalty or whatever s****y excuse it is you're usin'."

Dec let out a heavy, exasperated sigh. He closed his eyes, attempting to take in a deep breath but failing miserably when his aching ribcage protested the movement. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, it was loud and insistent, thudding heavily away despite the terrible ache that accompanied its every beat.

He'd thought Ant was doing better with all of this. He'd seemed fine less than half an hour ago, if a bit down in the mouth about their chances of a TV comeback. But now this. Had Ant been hiding everything from him again? Had he been pretending he was fine just because he knew Dec needed help in the form of a proper heart-to-heart about everything that was worrying him?

The thoughts zinging around in Dec's mind were building into a blazing inferno in his chest, the flames licking at his very heart and soul. But he forced his own feelings down. All of that could wait until later.

Tugging Ant to his chest and rubbing his back soothingly, he murmured, "What's happened, Ant? Talk to me, mate. Tell me what's going on."

All the fire going out of him as soon as his cheek landed over Dec's aching heart, Ant let out a whimper. 

"The darkness. It's back."