A/N - How on earth is this Chapter 40 already?! Yikes! Thank you all so much for your continued support, it really means the world. The story's not getting any easier to write, but hopefully I'm managing to do it justice. Enjoy! 🙈 -H. x

The room was closing in on him, the air was being squeezed out of his lungs, he couldn't breathe. He seemed to be in a darkened tunnel now, the air pressure growing by the second. There was a loud rushing sound, like he was underwater. That was it, he was underwater now, he must be. And he couldn't swim, he couldn't even tread water. He was drowning, slowly suffocating as the murky water filled his lungs and dragged him down, down to the bottom. Perhaps he'd finally find peace.

What was that? Had someone just shouted his name? Nah, that couldn't possibly be true. Who would want to save him? And why? The rushing sound became all-encompassing now as he took in the last few gasps of a dying man, filling his lungs with ever more water. It hurt to try to breathe now, he wanted to stop breathing, for the exploding pain in his chest to end. He didn't even know why he was still fighting. There was no point. One last desperate gasp. And then all became black.

~~~

"Thanks, Anne," Ant smiled, giving her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. "I really appreciate this, ya know."

Anne-Marie Corbett smiled back, turning to grab her coat and purse off the side table. "Any time, Ant, you know I'm always happy to help. When's everyone else arriving? Do you know how long the session will be?"

Ant shrugged, looking a bit nervous suddenly. "Erm, Linda should be arriving any minute now, she wanted to talk to me before Dec gets here. And Dec's meant to get here about 1 o'clock, but you know how he is with time keeping..." Ant gave Anne a rueful smirk, rolling his eyes dramatically. She giggled, her eyes lighting up as Ant grinned back.

"Well, you never know, he might surprise you and be right on time for once," she grinned, "There's a first time for everything!"

Giving him a sly wink, Anne-Marie slid on her coat, slinging her purse over her shoulder and grabbing her bag. "Well, I'll be off then. Don't want to crash the party or anything! I'll be back later to take you home, okay? Just text me." Sensing his anxiety level rising, she enveloped him in another soft hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Good luck!"

And with that, she was out the door, leaving Ant alone with his thoughts. He wasn't quite sure why he was feeling so stressed about this joint counselling session. Maybe because it felt a bit like a make or break situation. Yes, they'd spent a couple of hours together just a week ago, but their parting had been incredibly awkward. Dec had acted really strange when Ant had told him to keep in touch...And that had made Ant feel like things between them maybe weren't as solid as he'd thought....Which had led to him thinking that maybe Dec didn't want him around anymore. So he'd not made any attempt to check up on Dec, despite worrying nonstop. He figured if anything major happened, he'd hear soon enough from Ali, anyway...

Overall, last Thursday's meeting hadn't gone that badly, all things considered. But Ant knew there was a lot going on that he wasn't aware of yet. Dec could be very complex beneath the surface – to be fair, they both could be – and he hated hurting people. Now Dec had a very short fuse, that was true, but if he felt guilty about something he was feeling inside, he would do his absolute best to hide it for as long as possible....Which often resulted in a massive explosion of temper – or tears – when it all just boiled over and he couldn't keep it in any longer.

And Ant knew Dec was angry. He had every right to be. But confronting that anger head on was a bit of a daunting prospect, and one that Ant was definitely not looking forward to facing. And goodness knows what else was going on in that man's head...Yes, there was plenty to be nervous about. But he couldn't lose Dec. He just couldn't.

The doorbell rang, and Ant trotted to the front door, pulling it open with a fake smile plastered onto his face. "Linda! How are ya, pet?" Ant enveloped her in a warm hug before leading her through the foyer to the family room. He could feel her eyes on him, studying him, analyzing him. He was used to it now, he didn't mind her close scrutiny, but he wished he could ignore the anxiety her slightly concerned gaze was igniting within him. She'd refused to share anything of what had transpired during Dec's first therapy session, citing patient confidentiality, but now seeing the way she looked at him, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly Dec had said to her.

"So how are you, Ant?" Linda asked, giving him a careful, but warm, smile. "How are you feeling about today?"

"I'm s***ing meself," Ant answered simply, fidgeting as he sat down on the couch across from where Linda was seated comfortably in an armchair. She had out her laptop and seemed to be checking through her notes – whether from past sessions with him or from the one with Dec, he couldn't tell. At his reply, she raised her gaze, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"Really? Why are you so nervous? I'm here, I'll guide you through it. We're going to get this ball rolling, don't you worry about that." Her voice was soothing, and Ant could feel himself relaxing a tiny bit. He was beyond thankful that Linda had agreed to do this for them. He couldn't bear the thought of doing a joint counselling session with someone he barely knew. That would be a nightmare. At least now he knew he and Dec were in safe hands, no matter what transpired today.

He cleared his throat, hands smoothing over his jeans in a nervous gesture. "Erm...It's just such a big thing, ya know? Dec means the world to me, I need to make things right with him. Ya know I told you how awkward it was when we said goodbye last week...I just don't know where his head's at, and he's not lettin' me in. I think he thinks he needs to protect me or sommat stupid like that...But we'll never mend this if we don't speak our minds, like..." Ant trailed off, looking to Linda for confirmation.

She smiled, eyes kind. "I told him that on Monday, and I think he understood my point. It's just a matter of him being ready to talk. Remember what I said about giving him time, Ant. He's got a lot on his plate at the moment. I don't think it's telling you anything you don't know to say his head's a bit of a mess right now. He might not be ready to face up to it all quite yet. And if he isn't, then we just have a good general chat today and try again another time. We can't push him past his limits, okay?"

Ant nodded, swallowing hard. Linda continued, "You know him better than I do, so if you sense he's reaching a breaking point, tell me to back off or just change the subject. If you change the subject, I'll know we need a little break. But remember, the focus of this is not all on Dec, it's on both of you. So I want complete honesty, don't hold back, all right? Like you said, the only way forward is through open communication, no matter how tough it is. And I'm here, I'll be keeping an eye on you. If you need a break, speak up. I'm here for you both, remember that."

Ant gave a single nod. If anything, he was feeling more nervous now than he had been just a few minutes ago. He also had a nagging feeling something was wrong, but he dismissed it as just being his sense of foreboding regarding what they would be doing a mere 10 minutes from now....Assuming Dec turned up on time, that is.

"Shall I get us all a cuppa?" he asked hesitantly, still fidgeting restlessly on the couch, his entire being like a nervous ball of energy.

"Why not," Linda laughed lightly, "A cuppa solves everything, right?" When Ant gave her a nervous grin in return, she smiled to herself. Yes, she was anxious – she actually had barely slept the night before, thinking about today – but she was determined. After meeting both men and spending time with them, she found her respect and admiration for them both had grown exponentially. She'd made it her mission to help them mend their relationship, her personal challenge in life. It was anyone's guess what today would hold, but if she had anything to do with it, Ant and Dec would be rather closer to rekindling their close, loving relationship by the end of this session...

It was just before the clock struck 1:00pm when the doorbell rang. Twice. Ant had gotten together three steaming hot mugs of tea, and had found a packet of biscuits as well, getting everything ready for his best friend's arrival. All the blinds were drawn to avoid any peeping toms who happened to notice the presenters arriving and decided to try to get some photos to sell to the papers. And Ant had been very tempted to sit at the front window and peek out, watching for Dec's arrival, but he'd thought better of it. Linda was keeping him busy with mindless chatter, and it would be rude to turn his back on her and stare out the window, wouldn't it?

But ringing the doorbell wasn't really something Ant had expected Dec to do. He'd just come straight in last week, even slamming the door in his hurry. This was a bit odd. Nevertheless, Ant hopped up, nervous jitters becoming more evident by the second in his stomach. Pulling open the door, he was met by a sight that took him by surprise.

Ali.

Ali?! What was she doing here?!

Her face was stony, but she forced a polite smile when she saw Ant, graciously hugging back when he – somewhat dazedly – pulled her into his arms. "Al, how ya doing? Where's Dec?" Ant suddenly felt nauseous, that previous sense of something being wrong taking over and sending off wildly ringing alarm bells, his heart beginning to race.

"He's in the car," Ali replied, her voice clipped, almost reminding Ant of her "professional" voice she used when she was their manager. "Can I speak with you and the therapist for a minute?"

Ant nodded wordlessly, ushering her through into the family room, but not after peering anxiously out at the idling van in the drive. The tinted windows meant he couldn't see anything of the occupant in the back, but he could feel his heart tugging, the overwhelming desire to just go out there and give his friend a hug almost suffocating him.

"Linda," Ali stated coolly, extending a hand to the rather flummoxed therapist, "I'm Ali, Dec's wife. Nice to meet you. Um..." she ran a hand through her long blonde hair, letting out a stressed sigh. "There's no easy way of putting this, but Dec suffered a massive panic attack about an hour ago," her voice faltered before she carried on, blinking back the moisture that had suddenly come to her eyes, "And he passed out. I don't know what happened, erm..."

Ali sat down quite suddenly on the couch, holding a hand to her head as if to steady herself. Ant rushed to her side, gently wrapping a comforting arm around her and trying to ignore the stab of hurt when she tensed and gave him a split-second side glare before carrying on, "He'd taken a shower and must have been getting dressed when it happened. I assume the stress of doing this today brought it on, but I really don't know. I went in there to check up on him and found him hyperventilating on the floor..." She paused, visibly pulling herself together and clearly trying desperately not to cry. "But I couldn't get through to him. I think he just wasn't getting enough oxygen because he passed out....He came to within a minute, but it scared the crap out of me."

She finally raised her gaze from her delicate hands, looking first at Linda and then at Ant. "Please go easy on him today, I'm not sure how much he can take." She gave Ant a stern, meaningful look before coolly turning to Linda, saying, "I don't recognize my husband anymore. Fix him."

Linda raised her eyebrows at that, her hackles visibly rising at Ali's cold attitude towards Ant. "Ali," she said gently, "Sometimes things happen in life that change us and force us to look at life a bit differently than before. I can't 'fix' your husband, I can only help him to start working through his emotions and mending his relationship with the wonderful gentleman sitting next to you."

Linda sent an encouraging smile in Ant's direction, pleased to see that he seemed to be taking Ali's iciness fairly well. In fact, it appeared he wasn't even paying attention to the conversation, instead standing hurriedly and making a break for the front door. He didn't get very far, however, as Ali reached out and latched onto his arm, holding him back. "I'll bring him in, I think it's better that way." Ali bit her lip, looking down before fixing Ant with an apologetic gaze. "Look, I'm sorry, Ant, I didn't mean to be rude to you, these past few weeks have just been so stressful. I don't want there to be any awkwardness between us. We can still be friends, yeah?"

Ant couldn't answer with words, instead taking Ali into his arms, pressing a brotherly kiss to her cheek. He'd always had a good relationship with Ali, she was almost like another sister to him in a way, and she'd been a good friend to him over the years. He'd known her reaction to his arrest couldn't have been good, especially given her managerial past, and had somewhat dreaded his reunion with her. So this meant a lot. "I'm so sorry, Al, I never meant to hurt him or you, pet. I'll make it up to you, I promise. Thank you for looking after Decs for me, I always felt a bit better knowing he had someone who'd be there for him even when he didn't want looking after."

Ali smiled against his shoulder, murmuring, "I don't know how you've put up with him so long, he's a nightmare to look after, honestly! Shall I go get him for you?"

When Ant pulled out of the hug, nodding vigorously, Ali shook her head at him, a genuine smile growing on her face. "Goodness only knows what you see in him," she giggled, before sobering again. "Be gentle with him, please. He's very fragile."

And with that, she quickly said her goodbyes to Linda, hurrying outside and pulling open the door to the van. Back inside the house, Ant was looking devastated, wringing his hands and seeming to be consumed with guilt. He slowly stood, deciding to remain in the family room rather than going out into the foyer, thinking it might be better for Dec that way but also unwilling to leave the safety of Linda's presence, which, oddly, felt like a bit of a security blanket today.

After another minute, the front door opened and two pairs of footsteps echoed through the otherwise silent house, coming closer until a very concerned-looking Ali reappeared, her arm draped over Dec's shoulders as she guided him into the room. She pressed a soft kiss to his lips, whispering something in his ear before stepping forward and giving Ant a final hug and trotting out of the room.

Dec stood in the entrance to the family room, pale features in stark contrast to his red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes. As one, he and Ant gravitated towards each other, Dec taking one step while Ant took two quick ones, meeting in the middle and enveloping his smaller friend in a tight hug. Ant buried his nose in Dec's shoulder, closing his eyes.

After a long moment, he pulled away slightly, pressing a fond kiss to Dec's hair before guiding him over to the sofa. "I made you a cuppa," he murmured, moving the mug so it was in front of his friend, sharing a worried look with Linda when he noticed that Dec's hands were shaking quite badly. So badly that he almost sloshed his tea everywhere when he tried to take a sip from the nearly-full cup.

Linda cleared her throat softly, looking between the two friends who were seated surprisingly close together, Dec leaning slightly in Ant's direction. He seemed almost sort of clingy, which surprised Linda no end given what he'd admitted to her a mere three days prior. Then again, she reminded herself, Dec had said he loved Ant and felt lost without him in his life. And they had nearly 30 years of history together. It was only natural he'd want the love and security of his best friend after suffering what must surely have been a terrifying panic attack only an hour or so prior.

As Linda watched quietly, Ant turned his head to look at Dec, Dec turning in his direction almost instantly. The two friends locked eyes for a long moment, seeming to speak without speaking, as Dec shook his head miserably after a couple of seconds, dropping his gaze, while Ant pulled him in sideways for a little hug. Linda had to remind herself that she was here to do her job, not observe what was surely the most fascinating friendship she had ever witnessed.

"Right. How about we start by you both asking each other how you are? And remember, I want total honesty from you both," she requested, resisting the urge to smile when Dec looked at her as if she'd lost her mind.

Ant spoke first, perhaps deciding he should lead off to give Dec a few more moments to settle in. "How are you, mate?" he asked softly, fixing Dec with a loving stare – almost reminding Linda of an apologetic puppy.

Dec threw Linda an accusatory, despairing glare before swallowing hard and mumbling, just barely able to be heard, "Not great, if I'm honest. How 'bout you?"

Ant looked down guiltily, taking a deep breath before answering, "I'm not too bad, I've been worse. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, love." He pulled Dec in for another quick side hug, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly before letting go again. Dec remained silent, but let himself be pulled into Ant's side, resting his forehead against Ant's neck and closing his eyes for a split second.

"Good, that's a good start," Linda praised, giving Ant a small smile when he glanced over at her. "Our goal today is just to get open, honest communication flowing between you, we're not looking for any miracle fixes or anything like that. We're just going to talk about how you feel about each other and why you want to mend your relationship, okay? Does that sound like something you're both up for?"

Ant nodded readily, but Dec's reaction was a bit more ambiguous. Until he suddenly shot up from his seat on the couch, panicked eyes whipping 'round to find Ant's. "Toilet?!" he gasped, face paling considerably as he started swallowing repeatedly. Ant stood hurriedly, gesturing towards the hallway, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

Dec sprinted out of the room, slamming the bathroom door behind him. Ant and Linda exchanged a look as the sound of retches drifted down the hall to them. "Erm, I think I'd better follow 'im," he said, looking a bit uncomfortable and very worried, "He only ever chucks up if he's ill, drank too much, or is, erm, panicking..."

Linda nodded quickly, looking a bit shame-faced. "I'm sorry, Ant, I didn't think that would set him off." Ant butted in, saying, "It's not your fault, Linda, you heard Al, he's just having a rough day. It's me own fault for doin' this to him, it's nowt to do with you."

Quickly making his way over to the bathroom, he gently knocked on the door, relieved when the unlocked doorknob twisted readily in his hand. Pushing his way into the room, his heart clenched to see Dec curled up in the corner next to the toilet, his head buried between his knees, breathy gasps emanating from him every couple of seconds. Ant carefully eased himself down next to his broken friend, wrapping an arm around him in silence.

"It's okay, you know, Declan," Ant whispered, "It's not gonna kill me to hear what you really think of me. I know you're angry, I know you're hurt, and I want to make it right. But we need to talk it out, pet. If you're not ready, that's okay, but you can't run away and hide forever, darling."

Dec sniffled, taking a deep, shuddery breath. Hearing very soft footsteps outside the room, Ant looked up to see Linda peering into the darkened bathroom. She gave him a questioning look, and he shrugged, mouthing, "He'll be okay in a minute." She nodded, retreating again, not wanting to feel as if she was intruding on a private moment between the two friends.

It was a couple of minutes later when a sheepish-faced Dec was brought back into the family room by a very protective-looking Ant, who had a hand laid gently on the small of Dec's back, pushing him forward. They retook their previous seats on the couch, Dec unwilling to meet Linda's gaze, blushing beet red in embarrassment over his dramatic little exit from the counselling session.

Linda took this as her cue to apologize. "I'm sorry, Dec, I didn't mean to panic you, that was merely a suggestion of what I thought we should maybe cover during this session. Remember you can just tell me if you're uncomfortable with anything and we won't go down that route today, okay?" Dec nodded, hanging his head in shame. "Is there anything you need right now to feel ready to move forward with the session? Do you need a little break?"

Dec fidgeted uncomfortably, blushing even more than before. He gave Ant a despairing look, which Ant seemed to understand immediately, shifting closer and wrapping Dec up in a loving embrace, holding him close and murmuring, "Everything's going to be okay, Declan, I've got you." After a few seconds, Dec pulled away, wiping at his eyes and exhaling slowly, visibly relaxing.

Linda glanced between the two men, fascinated by their almost telepathic relationship. When Ant gave her a nod, she decided it was safe to move forward with the conversation. Maybe it was best to start with Ant. He definitely seemed rather more stable at the moment.

"So, Ant," Linda began, smiling warmly when Ant's eyes snapped to hers, "Talk to me about your relationship with Dec. Why do you value it so much? What makes it worth saving?"

Ant inhaled deeply, a sudden nervousness coming over him at her question of why the relationship was worth saving. But then he settled back against the couch cushions, turning slightly so that he was partially facing Dec. Dec's gaze was firmly fixed on the patterned leather couch cushion he was sitting on, fingers tracing random patterns onto the soft material.

A fond look came over Ant as he opened his mouth, his gaze switching back and forth between Linda and Dec as he began to speak. "He makes me laugh, he's the funniest bloke I know!" Ant paused, seeming to wait for Dec to say something, and looking crushed when he didn't respond at all, instead staring down at his hands and repeatedly poking at the corner of his mouth with his tongue.

Ant continued on after sighing heavily, saying, "He's just me best pal, Linda, I love him to bits. He's funny, he's kind, hard-working-"

"Yes, but what does the relationship mean to you?" Linda cut in, making Ant raise an eyebrow at her. When she merely raised a sassy eyebrow back at him, Ant shook his head and thought for a moment, his gaze sliding across to sweep over Dec, who was looking incredibly self-conscious and a bit uncomfortable. Ant stared at Dec for several seconds, his mind taking him back through the years, through everything they'd faced together, all their triumphs and all their heartaches. And then he spoke from the heart.

"He means the world to me, Linda, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He's a brilliant friend, the most loyal mate you could ever ask for. He's always been there for me, through thick and thin, he's always had my back. He's me confidant, I know I can tell him anythi-"

"So why didn't you?! Why'd you hide it all from me?? If I'm your 'confidant,' why don't you confide in me anymore?! You can't say that and expect me to just sit here and believe it. You stopped telling me things years ago! How long were you addicted to painkillers, eh? Eh?? How many months were you hiding your drinking problem from me before you just one day thought, oh, I'll just hop in that car and drive while I'm plastered, no one'll ever notice. How do you think it makes me feel to be trampled on like this, to have our supposed close friendship flung in my face time and time again?!"

Dec was red in the face, eyes burning with anger, staring Ant down after scrambling up from the couch. His fists were clenched at his sides, his posture threatening and every muscle and tendon strained, his pulse visibly thrumming in his neck. For his part, Ant was shrinking back slightly from his raging friend, but was looking him straight in the eyes, tears standing in his as he absorbed all of Dec's anger and pain.

Linda was keeping a close eye on Ant, making sure he was okay, but not wanting to interrupt Dec unless he took things too far and started to have a detrimental impact on Ant's mental health. Dec needed to say this to Ant's face. She'd not expected him to blow up quite this soon, but then, she had been warned by Ant that Dec had the nickname of Scrappy Doo for a reason. This really hurt to watch, though. Part of her wanted to look away, to tell Dec to stop shouting and sit down, but she knew she shouldn't. This was all part of the healing process for them, as painful as it was. And Dec wasn't done yet.

"Have you seen all the stories in the press? Have you seen everything they've written about us? Of course you haven't, 'cause you're shielded from everything while I have to deal with all the endless s*** day in day out! Everyone's talking, Ant, everyone's looking at me like I've grown three heads. They're all talkin' behind me back, going on about how they couldn't believe I knew nothing of your drug addictions, your alcohol problems, because we're 'inseparable.' Inseparable?! Yeah, I thought we were, but not anymore."

Dec inhaled harshly, angry tears spilling over his lashes and dripping down onto Ant's jeans, "We spent all day, every day together, but did you ever actually talk to me about anything important? No! And actually, I don't f***ing care what the rest of the world thinks about us. What I care about is knowing what I did so wrong that you decided I'm not allowed into your life anymore. What happened to us that you can't be honest with me? What happened to us being a team? What happened to us thinking of how our actions affect each other??"

The anger and pain were palpable, the sheer amount of hurt radiating through his hoarse tones almost unbearable. "Your actions speak louder than your words, Anthony. Your actions tell me you've lost all respect you ever had for me, they tell me you don't trust me anymore, that you don't value me as a friend anymore, that I'm basically worth NOTHING to you. I'm just a work colleague anymore and nowt else, that's what your actions tell me. How the hell do you think that makes me feel?!"

Dec drew in a shuddery breath, his anger suddenly giving way to what could only be described as overwhelming grief, tears flowing down his cheeks as he collapsed onto the couch with a whimper. "I f-feel like I've lost you, Ant. What we h-ad...is.....gone....It-, it was all a l-ie," his voice broke, his last words but a tear-choked whisper, "I think we're done."