A/N - Yes, I'm updating again already! Hope you enjoy, and thanks for all the support! 😁 -H. x

"C'mon, Dec, you've got to get going! Your appointment's at 11:00 and you've not even showered yet!" Ali fixed her despondent husband with an exasperated glare, shaking her head as she took in his mussed up, dirty hair, just his head and shoulders poking out of the fluffy blanket he'd wrapped himself up in on the couch earlier that morning. The first win of the day had been getting him out of bed – no mean feat these past few weeks – but then he'd totally shut down, half-heartedly sipping at a cup of tea but refusing any form of breakfast Ali could offer.

To be fair, he had been eating a bit more since his reunion with Ant a few days ago, but today was no normal day. He was going to his first counseling session with Linda...Or, he was meant to be, anyway. Ali was rapidly losing hope of managing to get him out the door on time – if at all – the way things were going.

Dec had said very, very little about his meeting with Ant. Something which had surprised Ali greatly, as she had been hoping against hope that just reuniting with Ant would make a big difference in Dec's mental health. In hindsight, however, she realized that was a rather unrealistic expectation, given that he and Ant were a bit on the rocks at the moment. Honestly, there'd been a few times over the last five weeks when Ali thought Dec was at the point of wanting to draw a line under his and Ant's relationship – call time on the friendship they'd shared for so long. But deep down, she knew he could never ever do that. He loved Ant too much to ever let him go.

When Dec got home from his time with Ant, he'd looked utterly drained – not that that was anything new – and very, very sad. Upon being pressed for an answer on how their meeting went, he'd merely shrugged, saying they'd talked for a while and then just watched some telly together.

There was a teeny tiny spark that flickered briefly in his eyes when he mentioned their time together in front of the telly, and a definite swell of pride in his eyes and voice when he told her that Ant looked "amazing" and was "very different" to how he'd been just a few weeks ago....But that was all he would say on the subject, proceeding to lock himself away in his office for two long hours, frightening Ali out of her wits. The only thing that kept her from fully panicking was the sound of her husband's sobs that drifted out to her from underneath the office door threshold.

By the time he finally emerged from his office, Dec's eyes were red and puffy, facial expression telling of pain, despair, and intense anxiety. She'd silently taken him into her arms, trying desperately to afford him the comfort he needed.

The next morning, he'd surprised her by getting up before 9am, taking his phone and padding into his office without a word, shutting the door behind him. Unable to stop herself from listening at the door, Ali's heart stuttered in her chest to hear him speaking with an ITV head, saying he and Ant had discussed BGT and had decided he would be presenting the live shows solo. That certainly did a lot to explain his endless tossing and turning throughout the night....And why he looked like a dead man walking when he finally pushed himself out of bed.

That had been on Friday. Now it was Monday, and Dec had barely slept at all. He looked awful, and he clearly felt awful, too, his features chalky and eyes dulled with fatigue. Ali was beyond worried. Dec hadn't heard a word from Ant since their meeting on Thursday, no texts, no calls, nothing. Ant had been papped whilst out in the park with Hurley and his PA, Anne-Marie, over the weekend – and Ali had to agree that Ant hadn't looked this healthy in years – but he'd not made any attempts at checking in on Dec. Something which surprised Ali more than she'd ever let on to Dec. She'd thought for sure Ant would be all over Dec, checking on him constantly, when he found out Dec had attempted suicide less than two weeks prior.

The continued silence was bizarre, very nonsensical, given how fiercely protective Ant normally was of Dec. Had their friendship really been broken beyond repair?

It was now quarter to 10. It was a roughly 20-minute drive to the hospital, assuming traffic wasn't completely backed up, and Dec was supposed to arrive at least 15 minutes early to get some paperwork done before his appointment at 11:00. If he were to have any chance of getting there in time, he would have to get a move on.

Ali tugged at his arm, trying to move him from his comfortable position on the couch, but he was having none of it, nestling further back into the cushions and giving her a defiant glare. "I don't want to go," he whined, tone petulant like that of a young, spoiled child, "You can't make me!"

Rolling her eyes, Ali snapped, "I can make you, and I will! Stop being a baby and get off your arse!"

Dec turned his head away, wrapping himself up tighter in the blanket. "Can't make me," he muttered stubbornly, refusing to meet her gaze even when she hovered directly in front of him, her face like thunder. The tense standoff was interrupted by a phone ringing. Specifically, Dec's phone.

Starting at the familiar ringtone, Dec's eyes widened and he shrank further back into his blanket, eyes holding a strange sort of fear. Ali let out a triumphant laugh, snatching his phone up and shoving it under his nose. "If you don't answer it, I will!"

A pale hand darted out from underneath the blanket, grabbing the phone and shakily swiping up to accept the call. "H-hello?"

"Declan. Are you all right? Why do you sound so weird?"

Silence.

"Giving me the silent treatment isn't going to work, pet, and you know it! Linda's expecting you at 11. Don't disappoint her, she's not a woman you want to keep waiting, believe me. Are you even up yet?"

"Yeah," Dec mumbled, voice barely audible.

"You showered? Dressed? Had any brekkie?"

Dec sounded like a small child being chastised by his parents when he answered, "I've had a cuppa..."

"Declan! I swear, you're worse than a kid!" Ali couldn't help but smirk as she heard Ant's exasperated tones ringing through the phone speaker. This was more like the Ant she'd known for 20 years...The one who took no nonsense and was relentless when it came to looking after his best mate. This was more like it.

"Look, kidda, do I need to come over there and get you ready meself? I'm not gonna let you get away with squirming out of this, Dec." His voice now became gentle, a loving purr that brought a sudden calm to Dec's features. "I love you, Dec, you're me best pal. I wouldn't have set you up with Linda if I didn't think it would help you. I've talked with her, she knows to go gentle on you, she won't push you further than you can go right now. I'm not letting you disappear from my life, I need you around, pet. Please just go and get help, Dec. For me? Please?"

A long moment of silence. Then, a soft-spoken, meek, "Okay."

"Good lad, now go and get ready, Joe will be there at twenty past to pick you up, so you've not got long."

"What?!" Dec exclaimed, voice shrill, "Whadda ya mean, Joe will be picking me up??"

Ant let out a gentle chuckle, chortling, "You really didn't expect me to trust you to drive yourself there, did you? I asked him to get you there and back just this time, wanted to make sure you don't chicken out halfway there or sommat, didn't I?"

Dec huffed, grumbling, "Why do you never trust me??"

The loving smile in Ant's voice shone through as he replied, "Maybe 'cause I've known you for 30 years? Now go on, get going! You've barely got time to get changed at the pace you move!"

"Knob," Dec muttered, unable to help the small smile that grew on his face when Ant let out a small snort of laughter.

"Text me later, yeah?" Ant requested, voice suddenly a bit vulnerable. "I worry about ya, you know."

Dec sighed, "I'll text yous when I get back."

"Love you, Deccy. Talk to you later."

The line went dead before Dec could respond, and he found himself blinking rapidly to try to beat back the tears threatening to fall. He was scared stiff, he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with the storm inside, but if Ant wanted him to go....Well, it was hard to say no to that man, even after everything that had happened. They were hopelessly wrapped around each other's little fingers. Always had been, and always would be. Probably.

It was time to face the pain. No more running away. Maybe.

~~~

11:05am. She'd been warned this might happen, but she'd hoped it wouldn't. Yes, this was a very serious mission she was about to embark upon, but she'd also really, really wanted to meet the man she'd only had contact with via text and phone.

Linda swiveled around in her chair, tearing her gaze away from the interminably slow ticking of the analog clock on her office wall, and instead reading through the notes from her conversation with Ant. After making the appointment for Declan Donnelly last Thursday, Ant had called her back on Friday afternoon to fill her in a bit more on why he was sending his best friend to her for counseling. What he'd told her had run her blood cold and caused her to shed a few tears after her friend – and patient – finally hung up an hour later.

Her gut instinct that day had been right. Something had been terribly wrong. And they'd nearly lost him.

She felt a lot of pressure on her shoulders with this new case she was taking on. Not only because it was one half of the most famous double act in all of Britain, but also because it happened to be the closest friend and biggest moral support of the patient she'd grown most fond of in all her time in the mental health industry. This was a massive responsibility she was shouldering, and she just hoped and prayed she was good enough at her job to succeed.

A hesitant sextuple-knock at her door brought her out of her thoughts with a jolt, and she looked to the door expectantly, telling the person behind it to come in. She expected it was one of the nurses on the ward with a question. The person she'd been waiting for would surely be a no-show. He'd been meant to arrive 15 minutes before the appointment, and now he was nearly 10 minutes late for the appointment itself, never mind getting there early to fill out paperwork.

The door cracked open, a soft voice preceding the hastily-styled head of medium brown hair that poked around the door. "Is this Ms. Patterson's office?"

Linda swallowed back the giggle that wanted to jump out, instead responding quietly with a completely straight face. "Yes, it says so on the door, come on in, Mr. Donnelly."

He sheepishly shuffled into the room, a surprisingly shy awkwardness exuding from him as he looked anywhere but at her. Linda stood up, walking around her desk to extend her hand and usher him into a seat – secretly chuckling to herself as she placed him in the chair to the right of where Ant usually sat (it wouldn't do to have them the wrong way 'round, would it?) – saying, "Welcome, it's a pleasure to finally meet the man behind the texts!"

At that, Dec offered up a small, halfhearted smile. "Same here...Erm, I mean...well, you know, nice to meet the woman behind the texts, is what I meant," he blushed, stumbling over his words and sounding impossibly nervous. Recovering slightly when Linda didn't laugh at him, but instead fixed him with a neutral, but compassionate, gaze, he added, "Erm, thanks for everything you've done for Ant, he's really changed. He speaks very highly of you..."

It was Linda's turn to blush. The man she'd had a crush on for years was complimenting her. Her! Scolding herself for getting distracted from the task at hand, she cleared her throat. "It's all just part of my job, but thank you, that's really kind. But enough about me, let's talk about you. I think I have enough of an idea of your case that we can go ahead and get started without filling all of the paperwork out first. We'll just have you do it afterwards, shall we?"

She smiled encouragingly, ignoring the all-enveloping pit of concern that opened in her belly when she got a proper look into Dec's eyes. This certainly was going to be a challenge. When Dec dropped his gaze and remained silent, Linda quickly realized she would have to be the one leading this session. She typically preferred to let the patient lead rather than pushing them into topics they weren't ready for, and that was what she had mostly done with Ant. Judging by Dec's body language, however, it didn't look as though he was ready for any of the topics she knew they should be covering today. Maybe a different technique was needed.

Standing up, Linda made her way around the desk, pausing to lock the door and turn on the neon "Do Not Disturb" sign before settling down into the padded leather chair next to Dec's, turning it slightly so that she wasn't quite facing him but could still see his face easily enough without having to swivel.

Dec looked confused at her sudden change of tactics, looking from her to her abandoned clipboard and back again. Linda laughed lightly, saying, "Ahh, I'm not one of the usual therapists, you know. I don't always like to take notes during sessions, I prefer a more laidback approach. Just relax, Dec, we're not going to go into anything you're not ready for, okay? My goal is to help you, not hurt you. You're safe here, and anything you say will be strictly confidential."

Raising a questioning eyebrow at her, Dec didn't even have to voice the question on his mind. Linda already knew. "Yes, even confidential from Ant. Anything you say in this room will stay here and never see the light of day, you don't need to worry about that." Pleased when Dec visibly relaxed a tiny bit, Linda decided it was now or never. "So tell me about you and Ant, how would you describe your relationship?"

Dec bit his lower lip, starting to chew on it incessantly. After a very long moment, he started to speak, but he didn't get very far. "We've been inse-para-ble-" his voice broke and he burst into tears, burying his head in his hands.

In a way, Linda had been expecting this response. On first impressions alone, she'd sensed a deeply emotional and sensitive personality hiding beneath the strong exterior shell he presented to the public. And one look into his eyes had told her the true depths of his despair. It was just a bit of a surprise he'd only gotten three words out – for what she'd thought was a relatively innocuous question – before breaking down.

"That's right, just let it all out, don't hold back," Linda murmured encouragingly, daring to reach a hand out and gently rub his bicep, surprised at the taut muscle she felt underneath her fingers. So it wasn't just Ant who liked working out, then! 

Turning her mind back to the heartbroken mess of a man in front of her, Linda felt a chill pass down her spine. Dec's cashmere jumper was riding up a bit on his arms as he cradled his face in his hands, hiding it from her sight. But in hiding his face from her, he was exposing something else. And there, prominently displayed in front of her, was a healing wound. The wound. The mark born of an endless despair which had driven the man in front of her over the edge.

Ant hadn't been exaggerating when he said it was extremely close to major blood vessels in Dec's wrist. Another few millimeters and that sad story would have had a very different ending. Likely a morbid one.

Dec finally pulled himself together, blushing beet red as he wiped at his eyes and blew his nose with the tissues she handed him, hoarsely stuttering out an apology, "Sorry, sorry, I wasn't...erm, I didn't mean to..." He trailed off, seeming unsure of what he was trying to say, giving his head a little shake. "Erm, sorry, I've not slept much lately," he admitted, hanging his head and fixing his sheepish gaze on the rug beneath his feet, scuffing at it with his loafer.

Linda gave his shoulder a little squeeze, voice soft as she replied, "It's quite all right, Dec, it's all part of the process. You don't have to feel embarrassed, having a cry can be quite therapeutic, you know."

Dec let out a harsh, bitter laugh. "I should be all better by now, then. I've cried every day for weeks." Suddenly seeming to realize what he'd just admitted, he blushed even deeper, turning his head away and curling in on himself as he nestled further into the chair, his small frame dwarfed by its size.

Linda's heart clenched in sympathy for the broken man trying to make himself disappear in front of her very eyes. Perhaps a change of tactics was needed once again. She wasn't sure Dec was even ready to talk about anything yet. Maybe she was the one who should do the talking.

"So Ant told me a lot about you while he was here," she began quietly, watching in fascination as Dec's body immediately tensed at the mention of Ant. "He's a proper chatterbox once he gets going, isn't he?" she giggled lightly, thrilled when Dec nodded in agreement. "And his favorite topic is you, funnily enough," she said casually, watching Dec carefully for any response. When none came, she continued on, unperturbed. "I've been doing this counselling thing for a long time now, and I've never come across someone quite as devoted to their best mate as he is to you. You mean the world to him, in case you didn't know. He adores you."

Dec let out a surreptitious sniffle, still with his head turned away from Linda, but she didn't miss the tear that dropped from his chin and landed on his jeans, leaving a telltale splotch. At least he seemed to be listening. That was a start.

"He's told me all about the two of you, and just how deep your bond runs. He's told me more than once how thankful he is that he met you when he did and that he has this incredible relationship with you-"

A tiny voice interrupted her, stopping her in her tracks and making her heart leap with excitement. She'd gotten through to him. Now they might start to get somewhere.

"I'm not sure I want it to survive."

Right. That wasn't what she'd been expecting.

"The relationship, right? That's what you're not sure about wanting to survive?" she questioned gently, keeping her voice entirely nonjudgmental. If this was part of what was going on inside that head of his, it's no wonder he was in such turmoil. It would kill Ant to lose Dec, she knew that. But she was an experienced professional, she could remain impartial, unbiased. Dec needed someone to listen right now, and she was that person.

Dec nodded wordlessly, swallowing hard before managing to elaborate, his voice trembling. "He's hurt me...so m-uch...It was bad enough last year, but this...He-, he keeps breaking me...And I, I don't think I can take an-ymo-re." His voice broke, and he gasped in a shaky breath, glassy eyes shimmering with tears.

Linda leaned forward, touching his knee comfortingly as a couple of tears trickled down his face. "I can completely understand why you feel that way, Dec. Yet you're still standing by him...?" Her unspoken question hung in the air. It was better left unvoiced, she felt. Let him decide whether he felt up to answering or not. She wasn't expecting him to take her up on it. But he did.

"Because I l-ove him," he stated simply, the tone of his voice broken but matter of fact.

Bloody hell, Linda thought to herself, what sort of a bond was this, that a person whose trust – and heart – had been trampled on repeatedly still loved the very same person who'd hurt them the most. But it explained a lot. Dec's actions made a lot more sense now.

"So you still care for Ant deeply, but you're not sure if you want to continue the relationship because he keeps hurting you, is that correct?" Linda was using a technique that had held her in good stead over the years. Repeat what the patient said back to them, but slightly rephrase it so that it maybe made more sense to them. And it seemed to be working well with Dec, who nodded again, seemingly steeling himself to try to say something more.

"I-, I don't know what to do-o...I...I can't imagine...living...without him....But I can only....I can only take so much," he paused, taking in a shaky breath. "I can't make sense of it, like. When we were together Thursday, I felt content for the first time in weeks....And Ant's so different, he's changed. I want to give him another chance, and...and I told him I would....but-, I don't know...if I can-" His voice broke again and he fell silent, staring miserably at the floor, a tear sluggishly making its way down his face.

Linda regarded him sadly, her heart hurting for both men. Choosing her words carefully, she began to speak. "You know, Dec, the most confused we ever get is when we're trying to convince our heads of something our heart knows is a lie. You're torn between your heart and your head right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's completely normal. The process you're going through, there's no right or wrong to it, there's no timeframe on forgiveness, on learning to trust again," Linda smiled, kind eyes meeting Dec's as he finally raised his gaze from the floor.

"You have all the time in the world to figure this out, and Ant is more than prepared to give you the time you need. But you need to talk to him," she paused when Dec tensed, a muscle tic appearing in his tightly clenched jaw, hurriedly continuing, "When you're ready, that is. You need to be honest, tell him what you're feeling and why. But more than anything, be truthful. Honesty really is the best policy, and it's the only way forward in a situation like this."

A tiny, guilty voice met her ears, making her heart skip a beat. "You think I was lying to him, don't you."

"I'm sorry?" Linda questioned hesitantly, unsure if she'd heard him correctly. Did he just ask if she thought he'd been lying to Ant?!

"All my texts to him, our phone conversation, you think I was lying now, don't you." His voice was guilt-ridden but defiant, with a definite sharp edge to it. Dec's gaze was still fixed on the floor, the nails of his right hand repetitively scraping over the still-obvious wound on his left wrist, eliciting a barely-there wince every time they cut into the skin a little bit deeper.

Unable to watch that destructive behavior any longer, Linda darted a hand out and grabbed onto Dec's, stopping him from abrading and potentially reopening the healing wound. Dec started guiltily at having been caught, but still refused to meet her gaze, his cheeks rapidly paling and then slowly reddening as it dawned on him that he'd just inadvertently drawn attention to something he'd meant to keep hidden.

"Look, Dec, I know we've just met, but I want you to know something about me. I never ever make assumptions about my patients. I would never think, 'Oh, he must have been lying about being supportive of his best mate because what's going on in his head is completely different to what he said in his texts.' Psychology isn't that simple. Our minds are very, very complex, nothing is straightforward when it comes to mental health. Believe me, I can imagine what sort of turmoil you're going through. I've been through a very similar thing with my best friend."

Linda paused, eyes taking on a sad, faraway look. "Sadly, our relationship didn't survive, but that's beside the point. A person can be loyal, can stand by someone, even when that very same person has hurt them so deeply, so profoundly, that they're not sure why they're even still friends. Relationships are hard to let go of at the best of times, and when you've been together 10, 15, 20, 30 years like you guys have been...Well, it's a bit like a marriage, isn't it?"

Dec was still staring at his feet, but it was obvious he was listening intently, his brows drawn together as he chewed on his lip, tongue repeatedly poking out of the corner of his mouth as he tried to keep the emotions in, eyes brimming with unshed tears.

Forging on, Linda continued, "Your relationship with Ant is quite unique in that your lives have been so inextricably linked for so very long. Honestly, from what I've seen, you're closer than any couple I've ever met – and I'm talking couples who have been married for 50, 60 years. And if I were you, I'd be just as angry, feel just as betrayed and hurt as you probably do. But you know what? It's not wrong to stand by someone you love when they've messed up like Ant has...but it's also not wrong to decide to put yourself first."

Dec finally looked up, his eyes swimming with emotion. "So...I'm not a bad person?" he hesitantly asked, sounding incredibly guilt-ridden, "For, for thinking about what I want? F-for not just automatically taking him back?"

"No, Dec, it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. Your world's been turned completely upside down, hasn't it?" She paused, waiting – and hoping – for a response. It took a moment, but she got one.

Dec nodded, mumbling, "I don't even recognize me life anymore..." sniffling and swiping at his watery eyes.

"Right. So of course you're going to be thinking about things differently – your perspective on everything has changed. It's only nat-" Linda was cut off by a heartbreaking little whimper from in front of her as the man she'd known for decades as a famous face off the telly curled into a ball in his chair and covered his face with his hands.

"I feel like I'm drowning, Linda, I don't know what to do. I just want to die!"