(Scene: Bowser's Castle)

Captain Bro was minding his own business, taking a nap after training the newest batch of recruits, when...

(BOOM!!!) (Captain Bro falls to the floor)

Captain Bro: Huh?!

(Ground shakes like there's an earthquake)

Captain Bro: What's goin' -

(Cannonball flies through the wall)

Captain Bro: Gah!! (Ducks, but cannonball explodes, singing the room head to foot)

Captain Bro: Grrrrrrrr....!

(Marches out into the hall to see Koopas and Boos running about, ducking and squealing as they dodge flying cannonballs. Explosions come from outside.)

Captain Bro: HEY! What's going - (dodges another cannonball)

Random Koopa: (salutes frantically) S-s-sir! It's the kids! (Gets knocked out by a cannonball, which then explodes)

Bowser Jr.: (from far away) Yeah, take that, Iggy! Ain't no way you can beat me!!

(Captain Bro goes out onto the balcony, where Bowser Jr. is sitting in his Clown Car, his cannon aiming at one on the towers across the courtyard.)

BJ: (launches a cannonball; explodes across the courtyard) Yeah! Take that, Morton! And that! And this, and that! (Fires three more times)

Captain Bro: Junior!!

BJ: Oh, Captain! Thanks for comin'! You're just in time to join my army!

Captain Bro: Army?! (Cannonball sails overhead)

BJ: Who shot that? Was that you, Wendy? Take that!!

Captain Bro: Enough, Junior! You kids are destroying the castle!

BJ: No can do, Cap. We're at war! I'm gonna prove that I was Dad's favorite!

Iggy: (over a megaphone, in a tower across the courtyard) MWAHAHAHAHAHA! DO YOU GIVE UP BJ? ARE YOU READY TO ADMIT THAT I WAS DAD'S FAVORITE?

BJ: (pulls out his own megaphone) NO WAY, IGGY! I'M HIS FAVORITE!!

Ludwig: (over megaphone) NO, I AM!

Lemmy: NO, ME!!

Wendy: I AM!! I'M HIS ONLY DAUGHTER!

BJ: YOU'RE A SISSY IS WHAT YA ARE!

Wendy: WHY YOU!! (Shoots a cannonball, which flies over Captain Bro's head)

Captain Bro: Okay, that's it! (Snatches BJ's megaphone) KOOPA KIDS, YOU ARE HEREBY ORDERED TO CEASE AND DESIST! STOP THIS NONSENSE AT ONCE!!

Roy: YOU AIN'T MY MAMA!! (Shoots at Captain Bro, who dodges by he skin of his teeth)

Captain Bro: (furious) STOP IT RIGHT NOW, OR I WON'T GIVE YOU YOUR ALLOWANCE!!

Ludwig: WHAT! YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

Captain Bro: YES I CAN: BOWSER GAVE ME POWER OF ATTORNEY. (Ignorant silence) MEANING I CONTROL ALL HIS MONEY!

Larry: OH NO!

BJ: OKAY, TIME OUT!

-----

(Back in the castle, in the war council chamber, which is falling into disrepair; there've been no wars since Bowser died)

(The Koopa Kids are sitting around the table, bored; Captain Bro is standing beside Bowser Jr., tapping his foot)

(An insurance Koopa enters, bearing a briefcase)

Insurance Koopa: I've finished my initial inspection. (Gives Captain Bro a report) My estimates.

Captain Bro: (scans the paper and proceeds in having a breakdown)

Morton: What'sa matta?

Captain Bro: What's the matter? You kids and your shenanigans are going to cost us 1.3 billion gold coins out of the castle treasury!

BJ: Not if we switch to Geico! We can save 15% or more in 15 minutes!

Wendy: I thought that was only for car insurance.

Insurance Koopa: And besides, Esurance is where it's at these days, kids.

Captain Bro: Besides the point! You numbskulls halfway destroyed the castle because of your little...little...

Ludwig: War! And nothing about it is little, Cap!

Lemmy: Yeah! Now stop scoldin' us so we can get back to beating each other's brains out!

Captain Bro: What the heck is this war about, anyway?

BJ: They're just mad because I was Dad's favorite.

Larry: No you weren't! I was!

Wendy: Everyone knows that I was Dad's favorite! I was a prim and proper princess amongst barbarians!

The rest: Hey!

Captain Bro: Who cares who was Bowser's favorite?

BJ: Whaddya mean, Cap'n? Dad's favorite gets all the money!

Captain Bro: What? No they don't. Who told you that?

Morton: Dad said it. In his letter.

Captain Bro: No he didn't. (BJ fishes a crumpled up piece of paper out of his shell and shows it to him. The Koopa Kids crowd around Captain Bro as he reads it)

My advisor told me to make a will in case Mario ever sent me to the grave. That's probably never gonna happen, but he won't let me hear the end of it, so here it is:

If, against all impossible odds, Red 'Stache does me in, my castle, army, and treasury filled with coins will go to my favorite rugrat, who is

BJ: Ya see?

Captain Bro: See what? He didn't finish his sentence.

Insurance Koopa: Bowser never was one to focus on anything for more than a minute.

Iggy: That's why we've gotta go ta war! Whoever's still alive at the end will prove that he's Bowser's favorite! (Pulls a huge bazooka out of his shell) Which is me! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

BJ: Think again, Iggy! All that gold is goin' ta me!

Iggy: Don't think so, bro! (Fires bazooka at BJ, who ducks. The blast destroys the back wall of the war council chamber)

Insurance Koopa: I do believe that's another 100,000 in damages.

(Iggy and BJ run out of the room, followed by Wendy, Morton, Ludwig, Lemmy, Roy, and Larry)

Wendy: Get back here, you two! I'm Dad's favorite!

Roy: No I am!

Ludwig: No, me!

(Captain Bro follows after them, shouting)

Captain Bro: Stop it, you little snots! Stop this RIGHT NOW!

Insurance Koopa: (inspecting all the damage) Boy, I'm going to get promoted for this.

___________________________

A/N: This one was fun to write! Tell me what you think, and come back for more installments featuring your ideas!