The F I N A L E is here! It's everything but epic, but still...

Prepare yourself.

---

Previously, on "What If Bowser Died?" ...

Mario: Here I-a come! (launches himself up at Luigi)

Giant Luigi: HA! YOU-A THINK YOU CAN STOP ME, A-HOMELESS MAN? (smacks Mario aside. He goes flying somewhere over the horizon)

Daisy: Mario!

Giant Luigi: NOW, A-DAISY! TIME FOR MY REVENGE!!

---

Giant Luigi: (reaches down)

Daisy: EEEEEK!

Captain Bro: (through Megaphone) Squadron One! FIRE!

(An assortment of Goombas, Koopas, and Shy Guys from the street fire Shell Bazookas at Luigi's back)

Giant Luigi: OW OW OW OW! A-WHY YOU- (rains green fireballs down on the soldiers)

Military Goomba: Gyahh!

Military Shy Guy: Retreeeeeeeaaaat!

Captain Bro: He's distracted! Daisy! This way! (leads Daisy and company towards a Shellvee waiting nearby. They clamber inside)

Giant Luigi: A-DAISY! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!

Daisy: (to driver) Get us out of here!

(They take off; the street rumbles as Luigi pursues)

Giant Luigi: YOU AREN'T A-GETTING AWAY!!

Pauline: Can't this thing go any faster?!

Driver: I got my foot to the floorboard now, lady!

Waluigi: Well do somethin'! That galoot's right on top of us!!

Driver: Hold on!

(They turn down a side alley and then back out onto a different highway. Driver honks the horn as he tries to navigate around the running, screaming toads)

Rosalina: (looking out rearview mirror) He's still right behind us!!

Driver: Doin' the best I can here, folks! (honks horn again) Get outta the way, stupid toads! Outta the way!

Captain Bro: (into a radio) All units, converge on Luigi. Engage, engage, engage!

(air explodes with rockets, missiles, and bazooka rounds. A second later, Luigi comes out of the smoke, with hardly a scratch)

Giant Luigi: IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN A-DO?

Captain Bro: Crap! He's indestructible! What do we do?

Peach: Head for the castle! We'll hide in the secret underground bunker!

Waluigi: Right, until Luigi comes and tears it up, right?

Peach: You got any better ideas, scarecrow man?

Daisy: Wait! (points out the window) Look! Over there! (a thick pillar of smoke is rising a dozen or so miles away)

Waluigi: Looks like smoke, darlin', which ain't that big a deal, seein' as yer secret admirer's rampagin' through town. Yer point?

Daisy: Mario! Maybe that's where he landed!

Peach: Who cares about Mario?! We tried siccing him on Luigi- it didn't work!

Daisy: He didn't have much of a chance, last time. He was crammed in an alleyway, facing a giant. Maybe in an open field-

Waluigi: Ferget it, Daisy. I say we head ta that bunker Peach was talkin' about.

Daisy: And when Luigi comes to dig it up, like you suggested earlier?

Waluigi: Better'n bein' caught out in da open!!

Pauline: He's right, Daisy. It's too dangerous.

Daisy: I don't care! Mario's still the only one who can stop this, and as Princess of Sarasaland, I say we go after him! (pokes driver) Hey, you! Head towards that pillar of smoke!

Driver: You sure, lady?

Daisy: That's an order!

---

(twelve miles outside of town, in an open field)

(King Boo and his two servants are moving slowly towards Toad Town; Booella and Baxter Boo are holding two giant parasols over King Boo in an attempt to shade him)

King Boo: I can't believe this... Kicked out of Bowser's Castle like common rabble and forced to hoof it all the way back to Boo Manor...in the daytime, no less! If I weren't so tired and sunburned...

Booella: Don't worry, Your Majesty! When you get back to the Manor, you'll come up with a wonderfully vile revenge plan, just like you always do. And you'll show Captain Bro what happens to people that kick you out of house and home.

Baxter Boo: Yes sir! Vengeance will be yours! (motions to the huge sack that King Boo is carrying) And since we emptied their armory of star candies, Smash Balls, and 1-up Mushrooms, they'll be helpless when we come a-knocking!

King Boo: Shut it, you nitwits, and hold those parasols higher!

(thick plume of smoke appears in the distance)

King Boo: Hmm? What's that? A crater? (smoke is indeed coming from a crater that's incinerated half the field)

Booella: Wow, I wonder what happened? Missile launch gone wrong?

Baxter Boo: (alarmed) Sir! I think there's someone in that crater!

(they move downward, fanning smoke out of the way)

Baxter Boo: Hey...is that...?

Booella: I think it is. (glances up at King Boo) Sir, is that-?

King Boo: A homeless man. A smoking, crispy, homeless man. (rummages through sack and retrieves a 1-up Deluxe) Well, won't he have a tale to tell when he wakes up? (stuffs the Mushroom in the man's mouth)

Mario: (chokes and leaps to his feet) Luigi! Foot! Pain! (looks around and calms down) What the? a-Where am I?

King Boo: You're in a crater, man, in the middle of nowhere. If I hadn't saved you, you'd probably be snacking on Mushrooms up in the clouds by now.

Mario: a-Seriously? (blinks) a-Wait! Luigi! I was a-battling him! And a-then-

King Boo: King Luigi? A filthy homeless man like you was battling him? No wonder you wound up in a crater!

Mario: Just a-tell me where Toad Town is. I need to go back and teach him a lesson for squashing my-

(ominous rumbling suddenly comes from far off)

Booella: What was that?!

(The Shellvee suddenly guns out of the trees, followed by Giant Luigi)

Giant Luigi: A-COME BACK HERE!

Booella: EEEEEEKKK! (hides behind Baxter Boo)

King Boo: My word...King Luigi!

(Shellvee screeches to a halt, and Daisy, Peach, Pauline, Rosalina, Waluigi, and Captain Bro empty out)

Daisy: Mario! You're okay!

Mario: (snorts) Of a-course. I can't be wiped out by a a-backslap like that.

Peach: Good! Now do something about your psychotic brother!

Giant Luigi: (tic)(tic) WHO ARE YOU CALLING PSYCHOTIC? (lifts a foot, but stumbles back as a fireball strikes him in the chest)

Mario: (hands kindling with flame) Take a a-step back, little brother.

Giant Luigi: HOW DARE- WAIT, A-"LITTLE BROTHER"? (stoops, inspecting Mario) A-MARIO? IS THAT A-YOU?

Mario: The-a one and only.

Giant Luigi: I DIDN'T A-RECOGNIZE YOU UNDER ALL THAT A-GRIME.

Mario: Grime or a-not, I have no a-problem giving you a beat down, a-brother. Now are you going to a-stop this nonsense, or do I have to get a-tough?

Giant Luigi: THIS DOESN'T A-CONCERN YOU, MARIO. (glares at Daisy) THIS IS BETWEEN ME AND A-DAISY.

Mario: I'm afraid that's where you're a-wrong. You made it a-my concern when you squashed my a-house-

Captain Bro: You mean your box?

Mario: -and a-started destroying Toad Town like a a-madman. So last a-chance. Stop this, a-revert back to normal a-size, and surrender, and maybe I'll a-testify at your trial and say that you cooperated.

Peach: Is. He. Serious. Talking like some kinda hero after he blew us off earlier? I swear, if I had a marshmallow-

Daisy: Shh.

Giant Luigi: ... ... ... ... ... ...

Giant Luigi: SORRY, A-BROTHER. (reaches down for Daisy)

Daisy: EEEEEKKK!

Mario: (lobs a fireball at Luigi's giant hand; Luigi hisses in pain and steps back, scowling)

Mario: Okay! I a-warned you! (builds up an inferno between his hands and launches it at Luigi)

(Luigi blocks Mario's attack with a wall of green fire before sending a snake of green flame hissing down towards Mario. Mario dodges and runs around Luigi in a circle, and the green fire follows him.)

(Mario wall-kicks off of a nearby tree, launching himself upward, and punches Luigi in the face)

Giant Luigi: OW! (Stumbles backwards, rubbing at his nose; Mario lands in front of him) WHY YOU! (reaches down, but Mario dodges, leaping onto Luigi's hand and running up his arm. When he reaches Luigi's shoulder, he jumps onto his nose and headbutts him in the forehead.)

Giant Luigi: GAHH! (tumbles to his behind but quickly finds his feet) ALL A-RIGHT, THAT'S IT! (reaches into his overalls and pulls out a humongous hammer)

Waluigi: What the...what else has he got in dem overalls?

Pauline: Mario! Look out!

(Giant Luigi brings down his hammer, splintering the earth. Mario dodges, but the strike upends the ground beneath his feet, sending him into the air.)

Daisy and Peach: MARIO!!

Mario: (lands in a crouch) I'm okay! (hammer suddenly slams in his back, sending him rolling across the dirt)

Giant Luigi: OH ARE YOU?

Waluigi: Mario! Get up, ya nitwit!!

Mario: (shakily rises to his feet) It's all a-right! I may be a-down. But I'm a-not-

Giant Luigi: (smashes him with a foot)

Peach and Pauline: Mario!!

Giant Luigi: WELL, THAT'S A-THAT. (pauses) HMM? (Mario is still standing, barely lifting Luigi's foot with both hands) WHAT?

Pauline: He's okay!

Peach: Not for long. Mario! Get out of there!

Mario: What... (grunts) Do you think I'm...a-trying to do?! (snarls as he lifts Luigi's foot)

Giant Luigi: (exasperated) JUST A-GIVE UP, BROTHER. (Shoves his foot down, forcing Mario to his knees) YOU CAN'T A-WIN! I'M A-TOO AWESOME!

Mario: Grrrrr. Grrrrrrr...RAAAAAAHHHH! (abruptly heaves upward, sending Luigi crashing to his behind)

Giant Luigi: GWAH!

Mario: I'm not a-done yet!

(Luigi climbs to his feet)

Giant Luigi: AND A-NEITHER AM I.

(They stare each other down; Mario looks nervous)

Waluigi: This ain't good. How is Mario gonna hold out against Luigi at dat size?

Rosalina: You're right...Mario will never defeat him unless he brings Luigi down to size.

Captain Bro: So what do we do?

Peach: (snatches Captain Bro's hammer right off his back)

Captain Bro: Hey!

Peach: Mario! (hurls the hammer into the back of Mario's head)

Mario: What's the-a big idea?!

Peach: Just use it, doofus!

Giant Luigi: (snorts) YOU THINK A A-HAMMER CAN DEFEAT ME? (Tries to stomp Mario, but Mario dodges. Then, he brings the hammer down on Luigi's foot with a WHAM!)

Giant Luigi: ACK! (hops on one foot) OW, OW, OW, OW!

Waluigi: Whaddya know... It's workin'!

(Mario whales on Luigi's other foot: WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAM, WHAM!)

Giant Luigi: GYAHH! (falls to his rump and deflates, reverting to normal size) Oh a-no!

Pauline: (in relief) It worked!

Daisy: We got him!

Mario: Give up, a-brother. Put an a-end to these a-shenanigans!

Luigi: a-Shuddap! (stands) I can still defeat you, even without a a-Mushroom. (pauses, suddenly unsure) I a-think... (Mario steps forward threateningly, and Luigi pales)

King Boo: King Luigi! Use this! (Pulls a Smash Ball out of his burlap sack and tosses it to Luigi)

Luigi: a-Thanks, minion!

Waluigi: Wat the?

Captain Bro: (angrily) HEY! That's cheating!

(Luigi smashes the Smash Ball against the ground and is engulfed in a green tempest. When it fades, he's holding the Poltergust)

Luigi: (powering up machine) Get ready to a-lose, big brother!

Mario: (lobs hammer straight into Luigi's noggin. Luigi faints instantly)

King Boo: Ack! Your Majesty!

Daisy: (disbelief) He did it. I can't believe it.

King Boo: (hurries over and stuffs a 1-up Mushroom in Luigi's mouth)

Daisy: HEY!

Luigi: (leaps to his feet) I'm a-back! Now, where a-was I? (Powers up Poltergust)

Mario: Eep! (dragged forward by ferocious wind)

Peach: Mario!

(Mario is sucked into Poltergust. Luigi flicks the setting to "blow", and a second later, Mario is ejected from the device. He hits the ground hard and rolls to a stop against a tree, unconscious)

Rosalina and Pauline: Oh no!!

Luigi: Bwahahahaha! He should have a-quit while he was ahead!

King Boo: Great job, King Luigi! I knew that you'd- OOF! (Waluigi knocks him upside the head with his tennis racket and quickly yanks a 1-up Deluxe from his pack)

Waluigi: Daisy! Mario! (tosses Mushroom to Daisy, who quickly hurries over and shoves it into Mario's mouth)

Mario: (jumps up) I'm a-back!

King Boo: Curses! HEY! (Waluigi is still rummaging through pack) GIVE THAT BACK!

Waluigi: Mario! Take dis too! (tosses a Smash Ball to Mario)

Baxter Boo: Oh no!

King Boo: Stop that, you pickpocket! That's cheating!

(Mario shatters Smash Ball and becomes surrounded by a fearsome red light. He lifts his hands, and they boil with flame)

Mario: Luigi...prepare yourself! (Launches a Mario Finale at Luigi)

Luigi: Ack! (quickly turns Poltergust to "suck" and rapidly absorbs the barrage of fire. The Poltergust inflates to abnormal size and begins to steam with heat)

Luigi: Heh, heh, heh...that all you a-got, brother?

Mario: a-Blast it.

Luigi: a-Face it: you can't a-win. While you a-got fat and a-buried yourself in debt, I a-conquered the-a Koopa Kingdom, defeated the-a MK Royal Army, and even defeated a-Waluigi in combat. While you a-fell, brother, I a-rose. I'm-a better than you now. Stronger. a-Faster. You may have a-dominated the spotlight in the a-past, but that era is over. This is the-a era of the a-King in Green, and all his awesomeness!

Mario: (panting) Wrong again, a-brother. While I a-fell, you went a-crazy. I-a understand that you may have been a-overshadowed in the past, but if you a-wanted to be noticed, you didn't have to a-take over the-a Koopa Kingdom or a-kidnap Pauline. And that's why you've-a got to go down. Dealing with a-Bowser was annoying enough.

Luigi: a-Bowser? You a-dare compare me to that a-brute? I'm a-better- a-stronger- than he ever a-was!

Mario: True, which is kind of a-why I wish he was a-still around... He's a-relatively easy to take down. But you... (glances up) a-Waluigi! I need another a-Smash Ball! (Waluigi tosses him one, and he breaks it, once again glowing with a bright light)

Luigi: (flicks Poltergust to "blow") Just a-give up brother. You're about to face you're a-own Mario Finale, powered up by my a-Poltergust. There's no way that you can a-win.

Mario: We'll a-see about that. One way or another, you're-a going down today, Luigi!

(They both begin to charge up their attacks)

King Boo: Take him down, Your Majesty!

Captain Bro: Show him you're still the boss, Mario!

Rosalina: Stars...a Mario Finale against a Mario Finale. Who stands the best chance of winning?

Peach: I don't know but...uh, should we really be standing this close?

Mario: (launches Mario Finale) YAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Luigi: (launches green Mario Finale) GRAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(nuclear explosion)

__

So tell me. Who do you think won the battle?

Honestly, since King Boo's got all of those 1-up Mushrooms, there might not even be a winner...

Anyway, the extremely cliché, hopefully pleasing, and dreadfully anticipated epilogue to What If Bowser Died awaits you next Sunday, along with personal closing notes. Hope you guys can wait that long.

So- until next Sunday. Thanks for reading!

Smash on!