2,329 words 

|the real world|

Steve's POV

The clock is about to hit 6 p.m when we finally begin to watch the first Captain America film, titled 'Captain America: The First Avenger'. Sebastian's impatiently tapping his foot upon the floor as we wait for Thor to return from the kitchen, so we can press play. I'm tired, the exhaustion from lack of sleep beginning to take quite the toll on my body. I sip on my coffee, shifting in my seat a little in attempt to get more comfortable. It doesn't work too well, so I settle for resting my head on Sebastian's shoulder instead, "Is there any way we can take a nap after this one? I'm bound to pass out soon anyway."

He pets my hair with his hand before yawning himself, "That's a great idea, Cap. Wanna take a nap with me?" He boldly suggests, smirking down at me as I gaze up at him through my lashes, "I'm much warmer than the bed in the guest room is."

"Will you behave?"

He nods solemnly, "You have my word." He places his hand to his chest right over his heart, smile turning warmer, "I just don't want to sleep alone."

"Me either." I frown. His eyebrows raise in question. "I have nightmares." I vaguely explain, grumbling a little to myself. I sit up a little straighter, finishing off my lukewarm coffee and then placing the empty mug on the coffee table next to Sebastian's phone. He's been getting endless alerts for the past few hours, but he hasn't checked it once, leaving it on silent. My curiosity grows with every new buzz and shake of the device, but it isn't my business, so I'm staying quiet.

He shifts in his seat, facing me more on the couch. His chestnut colored hair is curly now, due to his recent shower, the curls falling in his face as he stares innocently at me, blinking those lovely blue eyes of his, "What're your nightmares about? If you don't mind me asking, of course."

I fidget with my fingers as they rest on my blanket covered lap, avoiding meeting those curious blue eyes until the last second. I can faintly hear Thor messing around in the kitchen, the sound of the refrigerator closing filling my ears. My nightmares used to vary back in the day, change in subject and fear level. Since the war though, my dreams haven't switched up much at all. Each of them somehow involve the war days, the humiliation I felt when I used to perform those ridiculous Captain America skits on stage in front of dozens of soldiers, and the day I drove that aircraft into the ice. The day I was meant to die. The most often reoccurring nightmare I have happens to involve a train and the eerie sounds of my screaming mixing with Bucky's as I watched him fall. The day I thought he died.

Sebastian's staring at me with those big understanding blue eyes, giving me no choice but to tell him exactly what haunts me in my dreams. "Bucky's fall from the train happens to be my biggest nightmare trope. Even if I know damn well he's alright now, it doesn't seem to help."

He frowns, slowly nodding his head, "It probably doesn't help that you blame yourself for that whole mess either, does it?"

"I bet Bucky blames me too, even if he won't admit it to even himself. Because it is my fault, really. I should've jumped down after him."

He shakes his head, frown turning sadder somehow. I don't like seeing him look this sad, it isn't right. "You might not have survived the fall, even with the serum, Steve. He wouldn't have wanted that for you." He whispers, reaching out to touch my face, wanting to comfort me. I don't deserve it.

My skin tingles as his hands cup my cheeks, "Or we could've been taken by Hydra together. I'd rather have been tortured alongside him, than have him go through all that alone." I stop speaking suddenly as he pulls my face in closer.

His fingers feel cool and calm and strong. "Just look at me, Steve. Okay? Look at me, sweetheart." He hushes softly. I gaze into his eyes through a veil of tears. We both go silent, him just cradling my head in his hands and letting the tears flow over his slender fingers until the river is dry. All the time, his eyes never waver. We stay like this for awhile, but eventually I stop trembling and my shaky breathing returns to normal. Sebastian removes his hands from my face, but I can still feel the touch of his fingers cooling my skin.

Best of all, he starts grinning at me. "You aren't allowed to continue to blame yourself for what happened to Bucky. You saved him. He's safe because of you."

"But he still won't choose me in the end." I sniffle. I don't want his pity, throwing a pity party in my head big enough for a million people. Sebastian likes me, because I'm me, not because I resemble Chris. Part of me hoped Bucky only wanted Chris because of my absence, but it's deeper than that I'm discovering. He just likes him. I can't make him love me if he doesn't, no matter how badly I wish I could.

Sebastian sighs, shaking his head in disapproval, "Don't dwell on the things you can't control, that's one of your problems, Steve, you try to control everything. Some things just happen, can't stop it. Just pray it works out in the end."

I smile, "You're so wise." I tease, pulling him into a quick hug. He returns it, gently rubbing my back with his hands. "I'm going to miss you." I whisper, tightening my hold before reluctantly releasing him, my fist still clutching onto the fabric of his soft cotton tee shirt.

He ruffles my hair as he gradually draws back, blue eyes flickering to my lips for the briefest moment, "I'll miss you too." he faintly smiles, voice so velvety soft, "Still tempted to keep you here with me as long as possible." He grins, tongue in teeth smile making my heart flutter.

"Thought you wanted Chris back?" I ask with a raise of my left brow. He shrugs, settling back in his own seat, our bodies now a safe distance apart.

Thor walks into the room, carrying a bag of red licorice and a can of coca-cola, he narrows his eyes at us, "No flirting during this movie, or I'll rip your intestines out and feed them to Dodger." He playfully threatens through a mouth full of licorice, pointing a finger at us and then glancing to the corner when Dodger sits playing with one of his plush dog toys. "Understood?"

Sebastian snickers, "Understood." He nods with a serious expression edged onto his face, despite the amusement glimmering in his eyes.

We start the movie. The opening scene shows Red Skull getting the tesseract, a scene that makes my stomach churn. It feels oddly real, especially when the next scene starts, showing pre serum me  trying to weasel my way into the army, a plan that failed pathetically.

Thor chuckles vibrantly, punching my shoulder with his fist. I clutch a pillow to my chest, partially hiding my face behind it, "You were so tiny."

"He was adorable." Sebastian's quick to defend, eyes so soft when I glance over at him, wordlessly thanking him with a small smile. "Now shut up, my part is coming up." He hushes us. I smile.

They do a fantastic job at portraying me, it's like looking into a mirror. The scenes are exactly how I recall the memories in my head, the realization scaring me a little. Is my life even real? Do I only exist because of these movies? Or do these movies only exist because of me? I'm getting desperate to unravel the truth behind all of my fears and concerns. Though, I'm afraid the truth behind it all won't be what I want to hear. Sebastian's face brightens as Bucky suddenly appears on screen, saving my ass in that alleyway.

My breath hitches. I don't see Sebastian playing a role, I only see Bucky. I remember that day so clearly, all the little details that the movie skips over. I remember going back to the apartment with Buck, searching through my closet vigorously for something to wear on the double date he sprung on me, while he stood in the doorway munching on an apple he picked up at the farmers market with his folks that morning. He was smirking at me I noticed, as I grabbed a random button down shirt from the closet and began putting it on, my small hands fumbling with the buttons.

Bucky ended up helping me out, ranting about how I'd be lost without him when he shipped out, that he needed to find a way out of going so he could stick around to watch after me. He only rolled his eyes when I said I was more than capable of taking care of myself.

I'm disappointed that none of that is displayed on screen, that Bucky doesn't end up getting much screen time at all. They even skip over the part where Bucky buys me cotton candy, but not his date, dazzling smile never leaving his face as we walked around the Stark expo, our hands continuously brushing together. I end up telling Sebastian all of this, Thor fast asleep beside me, a piece of licorice hanging from his mouth as he snores.

"Bucky was flirting with you that hardcore and you didn't notice?" Sebastian clicks his tongue, "I'm disappointed in you, Rogers." He tsks, reaching out to ruffle up my hair, "He would've ditched that girl for you in a second, all you had to do was say something."

I scoff, clutching the pillow tighter to my chest, "What was I meant to say? 'Hey buck. I know it's the 1940s and we'll be killed if someone even heard me saying this, but I'm in love with you'?! He would've laughed in my face."

"He would've been overjoyed." He argues, frowning now, "Plus, you became Cap not long after this, no one could fuck with you two then."

I pull at a loose strand of fabric on the pillow, sighing deeply, eyes flickering back to the screen. I'm saying goodbye to Bucky now, the sadness I'm showing on screen not even coming close to the pain I had inside me that day. I remember wanting to enlist so I could be fighting alongside him, terribly afraid something would happen to him out there, something I wouldn't be around to prevent. In the end, I couldn't save him anyway, despite being right next to him. None of it mattered in the end, he still fell from that train.

I go quiet for about an hour, getting lost in the rough tell of my early days. This is my origin story, yet there's so much that's getting left out. They never show any of the letters Buck and I sent back and forth, nor the time I actually got to go visit him right before I became Captain America. I went there with the full intention of telling him what I was about to do, the changes I was about to endure. I took one look at his bruised face and changed my mind, not wanting to bother him with my problems, knowing he had far too much on his plate already. I cleaned his cuts and small wounds that day while he filled me in on all I'd missed. He was real worried about me getting enlisted, wanted to convince me to somehow quit, head home. It was like talking to a brick wall, he had said, smiling faintly when I cleaned some dried blood from his forehead.

I inform Sebastian of this too, loving how interested he is, hanging onto my every word. "Literally sounds like the cutest love story. Marvel really fucked this movie up." He declares with a shake of his head, pausing the movie before pulling his phone from his pocket, "I'm gonna order some pizza, what toppings do you want?"

I stand, grabbing Dodger's leash from the coffee table, "Anything is fine. But Thor hates any kind of peppers."

He scoffs, pressing the phone to his ear, "Thor has zero taste."

I write a quick little note to Chris, simply because I've had custody of the box for too long and he no doubtably needs it back by now. I spot Sebastian's polaroid camera resting on top of the fireplace, I grab it. Maybe seeing Sebastian will help remind Chris of where he belongs. "Hey, Sebastian?" I call out, holding the camera up. He looks up, smiling in confusion as he meets my eyes, "I'm sending your boy a picture of you. Smile," I explain, glad I actually know how to use this thing.

"Let's hope Bucky doesn't rip it up." He chuckles before sending me an eye catching smile that I snap a lovely photo of. He starts ordering the pizza, walking into the kitchen so he can hear clearly over the loudness of Thor's snoring.

I wait for the photo to develop, placing the camera back where I found it and whistling Dodger over. He brings his toy with him, tail wagging as I lean down and pet his soft fur. Sebastian promised to help me give him a bath later today, the poor cutie's fur has gotten dirty over these past few days. I attach the leash to his collar and then grab the now developed picture of a gorgeous grinning Sebastian, placing it in the box along with the note. I set the box on the coffee table, waiting until it's successful vanished before I head out the back door with Dodger trailing behind.