"It all begins with George's birth.", Iseldir sighed.

"So the servant has a name, huh?"

"People usually do."

Beeltheas crossed his arms and leaned against the bars. A skeptical frown placed in his eyes.
"How can the birth of a servant be of any importance to this stupid legend?"

"Simple.", Iseldir said and a smirk graced his lips.
"He wasn't born a servant."

-----------------------------------

Screams echoed down the hallways of Camelot. And it was the only sound that disturbed the silence. It shattered the ears of the listeners and made maidens and servants rush in and out the chambers of their future queen Rosalin. Usually, men would not have been allowed within such a nerve wrecking atmosphere. But Rosalin called those old traditions rubbish and had basically forced her husband to stand by her side.

Ashen and pale, he sat next to her bed, holding her hand. Or rather, she was squishing his hand into a pile of hand goo with the strength she put into it.

"You're doing great, Rose.", Lionel said. The man was the exact opposite of Aeris nervous and shaking presence and sat on the other side of the bed as well. Lionel had wisely not taken Rose's hand and was instead waving the servants around that were too nervous to actually enter the room.
He also may have avoided a seat right next to the window and rather preferred the one at the door.
Mostly, because Rosalin was strong enough to throw him OUT of the window, if he as much as breathed a wrong word.
The door on the other hand, was a pretty safe escape plan, if you asked him.

Another scream cut through the air and Aeris swore the walls themselves were shaking.

"Milady, you have to breathe.", said the midwife and almost earned a magical induced hit in the stomach from 'milady'.
"Yes thank you, I almost forgot.", Rosalin hissed, while the contractions made her feel like she was being ripped in half. Another scream almost tore apart Aeris ear drums.

"I can see the head!", the midwife finally said with relief. And rightfully so. Her face had been contorted in upmost concentration to what we would call hours, which back then must have been defined differently.
It was a long birth, which was never a good sign.

The midwife's smile disappeared as soon as she managed to reach the child to help pull it out.
"Oh no.", she said and paled.

"Oh no? What is OH NO?!", the future queen paled. She was tiptoeing the edge with her nerves and such a statement could NOT mean any good.
The midwife swallowed hard as she picked up the bloody baby and gently placed them in their mothers arm.

"Why isn't it crying? Why is my baby not crying! They should be crying!", Rosalin asked, panic rising in her voice. She regarded her child with fear. Her own heartbeat too loud to tell her what was wrong with her child, when she checked for it's pulse. The child wasn't breathing. It lay dead in her arms.

"You're loosing too much blood!", the midwife commented alarmed, not answering her actual question.

"I don't care. My baby isn't breathing! Why isn't he breathing?", Rosalin was crying now.

"Sir Lionel, I could really need your assistance here. You're advanced enough in magic to stop the bleeding. Please, or else we loose the mother too.", the midwife said pleadingly.
She was too occupied in her attempts to stop the bleeding to look at anyone.

Rosalin went still. "No.", she said and tried to wake up her child. But the baby's eyes were closed. The umbilical cord had wrapped itself around the baby's neck. It must have choked it to death during the process of the birth.
"No.", Rosalin cried.
"Lionel, please save my baby! Please! I don't care if it costs me my life. But please!"

Lionel looked pained, but he shook his head. "It's too late.", he whispered. And then did his best to do what the midwife instructed.
"Lionel, no! This baby is Camelot's future! I can't loose him! PLEASE!"

"Your life is important too, Rosalin."

"You don't understand! This baby IS my life!", shouted Rosalin.

Lionel had to focus on his incantations, but he flinched at the tone in her voice. Empathy and panic in his eyes. Her husband had the same painful expression on his face. He knew why she said that and he hated that he choked on his own words, when he tried to comfort her.

Meanwhile, while Lionel may be capable of stopping the bleeding, but that too wasn't a guarantee that Rosalin would make it.
Not that Rosalin seemed to notice the danger she was in. Or perhaps she just didn't care.

"I'm begging you, please!", she said, but realized that Lionel wouldn't give in. She turned to her husband.
"Aeris, please! You have to get Emrys! He can help! I know he can!"

That had Lionel pick up his head for a confused moment. Which made sense, if you consider that Emry's magic was known to only a few people.
Lionel was not one of them.
"Shouldn't I rather call Sigan?", Aeris asked, with a worried glance towards his brother.

"Sigan is powerful, but this is beyond him. Please, Aeris. I need Emrys!"

Aeris seemed conflicted. But then he looked at his dead born son and nodded with determination. If Rosalin truly believed that this child was her future, her life.... then he just had to save it. Not just for the child's sake alone.
"I'll get him."

....

Emrys was found rather easily. He was taking care of his loved plants as usual, when Aeris grabbed him by the hand and almost wordlessly dragged him into the direction of the castle.

"HEY! What the hell, Aeris!", Emrys struggled against the grip but stumbled after Aeris anyway.

"Rosalin just gave birth.", Aeris heaved and Emrys smiled a conflicted smile.
"Oh. Con.. congratulations- I-"

"The baby is dead.", Aeris almost choked on his own words. "We need your help."

Emrys eyes widened. "My help?" He had no time to register what Aeris was even saying. The prince didn't leave him the time.

Aeris paused for a single moment, to grab Emrys by the shoulders and hold him in place, as if scared he would disappear.
"Listen. Rosalin asked for you! She said you could help! Is that true?"

Emrys stared at him. "Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how dangerous magic is when it's about life and death?"

Aeris looked deep into Emrys eyes. "I've studied everything these is to know about magic. Yes. I do. But you ARE magic. If anyone can do it, it's you."

"I don't think it's that simple."

Aeris frowned and took another breath, before he reached for his necklace to show it to Emrys once again. "THAT wasn't simple either! It defies all rules of magic to have an ungifted person use magic in the first place! Let alone create something that radiates it like it grew in the crystal caves itself.
You know this is technically impossible. Yet we made that happen. YOU alone have a chance of helping the baby."

Emrys stared at him. Then the necklace and then he reached his hand out for it. Fear and other conflicting emotions flashed through his eyes, but then he seemed to realize something.
"Perhaps!", his eyes settled on the stone. "Perhaps there is a way", he suddenly said and grinned in relief, before grabbing for Aeris hand this time and leading him... in the wrong direction.
Aeris had to drag him in the right one.

....

Rosalin must have passed out in the short time that Aeris had left. The baby lay still in her arms, while Lionel was trying his best to save her. Panic and sweat was growing on his forehead.

Emrys hurried to Rosalin's and the baby's side. His eyes were wide and he still hadn't let go of Aeris arm.
"Rosalin. No.", he paused to check her over.
Lionel shot him a mere glance, but shook his head to keep concentrating.

"We might be losing her too.", Aeris shook with his own words. Emrys turned to him. His expression still conflicted, but determined.

"Come on. Put your hand here.", Emrys instructed and Aeris nodded seriously, as he complied.

Lionel shot them another confused glance, but continued his incantations. Incantations were all about concentration and never breaking the chanting. If he stopped to ask any questions, all his previous work would be for nothing.

"I need you to concentrate, alright? I will call upon the magic of the earth, the sea and the sky. And YOU need to do what you did last time."
"I have no idea what I did then."
"Well, then you have the perfect mindset already. Just focus on saving the baby and Rosalin."

Aeris nodded, then he looked up at Emrys who ignored Lionel's and the midwife's presence completely and closed his eyes.
Because he was needed, so he didn't really care what people thought anymore.
Emrys never held his own secret for more important than another person's life.
He just liked to avoid mentioning it, for fear of being exploited or manipulated. But now was not the time to avoid uncomfortable confrontations. He needed to save a life.
Hopefully two.

Just like last time, a rumble went through the world. The earth, the air, the weather itself seemed to be shaking with anticipation.

Lionel stopped his enchantments. Entirely too mesmerized and distracted now to focus on his task. The midwife too, was momentarily shaken, as Emrys' eyes fluttered golden underneath his eyelids.
And then, as he deemed himself ready, Emrys grabbed for Aeris hands. The crown prince stared at the sorcerer with a hopeful smile, while he placed a careful hand on the child as gently as he could.
The magic filled up the room, but it wasn't picking at Aeris .THAT was a sensation he remembered vividly from their previous accident. And that he knew for certain was a necessity.

"Emrys?"

"You need to do what you did last time, Aeris!", Emrys bit his lip as he reminded Aeris what to do. But the man knew it wouldn't work like this.

"Emrys. You need to send your magic towards me. It won't work otherwise."

Emrys opened his shining gold eyes. His hands had Aeris right hand covered, but frustration seemed to settle on his face.
"I don't know how."
"Just trust in me.", Aeris explained. Because that was the closest he could verbally get to describe it.
Emrys nodded. He closed his eyes again, but it still wasn't working.

Aeris watched him. Tried to mentally get closer to the magic on his own. But it was kind of useless. Emrys was subconsciously keeping Aeris from the magic. For whatever reason.
The reason probably lay unconscious and/or dead between them.
Aeris blinked as he noticed, then looked at Emrys, who contorted his face in his upmost concentration.
Emrys needed to relax. And soon.

Slowly, Aeris shook off Emrys hands and grabbed for the warlocks arms instead. Emrys' golden eyes focused on Aeris in a questioning manner.
But Aeris slowly pulled him in, closer. The surprise send Emrys reeling and the magic flared up.
Aeris sighed and then pushed his forehead against Emrys and closed his own eyes. His hands had traveled up to Emrys' neck to keep the man in place.
The sorcerer blinked light. Then he seemed to understand. He too, closed his eyes and breathed.

And finally, Aeris felt the magic gently knock at him. Shyly asking to be let in. An intimate feeling of trust waved against the shore of Aeris mind. Without hesitation, he allowed it in. It was so much less demanding than last time.
But the magic did spread through his every vein and when he opened his eyes to look at Emrys, he knew his own eyes were just as golden.

He could hear Lionel's gasp, but he was too focused to pay him any attention.

"Now.", whispered Emrys and Aeris nodded. His attention shifted to the baby and he released his hands from Emrys' neck, to pick up the baby.
To do.... he didn't really know what to do with it. But when he looked at his sleeping wife, he knew he wanted to save them both.

As soon as that thought hit him, crystals began to sprout from the baby's face. They grew from it's small bloody form and spread all over it's body. As if the magic had gathered around it to take on a new form.
A moment later, it receded into the baby's skin as if had never been there in the first place.

Rosalin, however, just glowed in a golden light. A second later, the bleeding had stopped and her faint puffy breaths evened out.

Right before Rosalin opened her eyes, the baby began to cry.

-------------------------------------------------------

Arthur had reached a dead end with his running. Normally, as prince of Camelot, he should not get lost in his own castle.
But to be fair, many parts of the castle were actually sealed. And Arthur now had two people inside his head fighting to show him the paths to random rooms or escape routes.
So he stood in front of a wall that Aeris told him, should NOT be there and Arthur's own voice insisting it should. Only that Arthur didn't know which voice belonged to whom.

This hall had lead to an old wing of the castle that was dedicated to magic studies, before Uther Pendragon had taken the throne for himself.

Arthur stopped in front of the wall and stared at a beautifully painted picture of forest. Who had painted it remained unknown. It's not exactly important, but it was there anyway. Just for the sake of the image of Arthur running against, what he assumed was a sudden portal to a random forest. He hit his head and fell over. Heavy breaths coming out of his mouth, as he was momentarily distracted.

The steps behind him came to a halt.

"Arthur.", Merlin heaved and immediately bend down to grab Arthur's shoulders and check what the sudden hit may have caused.
"Are you okay?"

Arthur shook his head, the mental image of death and destruction was still haunting him.
And he couldn't help but see Emry's corpse, as soon as he turned around to look at Merlin.
He looked away immediately.

"Seriously, Arthur! You need to stop this.", Merlin hit him in the arm.
"I don't know what's going on in your mind, but you're clearly overdoing it. Kissing me, trying to hurt Leon. What are you going to do next? Burn the kingdom down?"

Arthur couldn't stop crying. He didn't know when he had started, only that now his eyes were full of tears and he couldn't stop them.
Almost in horror, he realized that he was sobbing too.

And Merlin, bless his soul, noticed. "Eh -", he made intelligently as soon as he did.
He stood there awkwardly, unsure what to do.
But then he seemed to have come to a decision and let himself sink on the floor beside his best friend.
He seemed to consider for a moment, but then he put an arm around Arthur's shoulder.

Now, Arthur wasn't the hugging type. He had shown repulsion and awkwardness to the idea more often than he had shown an interest in giving Merlin a day off. Which, to be fair, wasn't that hard. Since he never gave Merlin a day off. But you get the picture.

However, in this moment, when Arthur lay eyes on Merlin, he saw Emrys instead. And Aeris had never refused an offer to hug his (basically) husband. And now that he needed it most, he almost threw himself at Merlin and cried his eyes out on his neckerchief.
Startled by the sudden force knocking the breath out of his lungs, Merlin did his best not to fall over and instead be the rock that Arthur needed him to be.

"Arthur, what did you see?"

It was hard to reign in enough of the tears to answer properly. But finally, Arthur choked out a small "He killed you."

Merlin blinked. Probably more surprised to receive an actual answer than what the answer entailed. Then he let his hand wander over Arthur's shoulder. Only to let it rest in his hair.
"No he didn't.", Merlin whispered in an attempt to calm Arthur down.

"He killed you.", Arthur repeated and looked up. His eyes so wide, that Merlin could see his own reflection in them.

"Lionel killed Emrys. Is that what you saw?", Merlin asked and swallowed. Arthur's lips trembled, as if too scared to answer. It was answer enough.
And didn't Arthur hurt because of precisely that? To know that he was, after all, alone in this? That Merlin WASN'T Emrys? That he had no recollection of all the good and bad times they had shared together? That Aeris was here, while Emrys would never return?

"Arthur, I'm not Emrys. I'm not... ", Merlin shook his head and looked away. Was this really the right moment to discuss this?
Arthur was torn apart by what he had seen. It felt like punching a kicked puppy.

"Shit, yes, I know.", Arthur sobbed and tried to wipe of the tears, but they just kept coming.
"But he's dead, Merlin."

Merlin blinked. "That... we knew that the entire time.", he tried to reason but Arthur shook his head. "You don't understand! He was supposed to be immortal, but he DIED. He was the love of my life and he's dead, Merlin! And he's never coming back." More tears welled up in Arthur's eyes.
He looked at Merlin, almost pathetically pitiful. And he looked at the man who was – by definition – the exact opposite of what he had just said.

Merlin stared at the prince of Camelot. And he realized a little late, that to Arthur – Emry's death JUST happened. And he had never had the chance to grief for him. The wound wasn't just reopened, it was still fresh. And had been for an eternity, because it never got to heal.

"Fuck.", Arthur muttered into his hands. They were already wet, unable to stop the flow of hundreds of years worth tears never spilled.

"Arthur, it's okay.", Merlin said and again, the prince leaned forward to bury his face in Merlin's neck. Just so they didn't have to look at each other anymore.

"No, it's not.", Arthur shot back. His trembling only got worse as he clung to Merlin like he was a life line. Perhaps, in a way, he was.
"It's NOT fine!"

Merlin stilled, even when Arthur's fingers dug into his arm deep enough to leave bruises.

"Perhaps Gaius was right.", Merlin whispered.
"About what?", Arthur asked immediately. Not even sure what he was referring to.

"Perhaps you shouldn't have given up your memory for Leon."

Arthur paused and looked up. His eyes red rimmed with tears, he gaped at Merlin's stoic, yet empathetic expression.

"Perhaps -", Merlin bit his lip. "Perhaps we should reverse it after all."

Arthur's eyes widened as he searched Merlin's face for a hint of a joke.
"You CAN'T be serious."

"Arthur, this is destroying you.", Merlin almost whined himself. "You keep remembering all this stuff and it's tearing you apart. And Gaius said there is no guarantee that YOU will survive this. Or if this... this other you will take over completely.
You've already lost part of your mind. Do you really want to lose your self as well?"

Arthur blinked at him. Then he shook his head.
"No Merlin."

"Arthur -"

"This magic won't hurt me. Emrys would never hurt me."

Merlin sighed painfully. "Arthur, it already does! And we talked about this. I'm not Emrys and I'm definitely not incapable of hurting people-"

"What makes Lionel immortal is Emrys magic! It's our technique. It's not designed to hurt people! The crystals are made to sustain and heal!", Arthur rushed to defend himself.

"Arthur... Leon is on the verge to loose his identity. Just like you are!", Merlin said. "How is that NOT hurting anyone?"

Arthur frowned. "That's not part of our magic.", he shook his head.

Merlin paused. Finally his mind catching up to what Arthur was implying.
"Wait... YOUR magic? You made this together? You know what this is?"

"Yes!". Arthur exclaimed and grabbed Merlin's face with both his hands. Just so he could look at those eyes that he would recognize anywhere.

"This was done by Sigan. I know, I was there. Sigan never understood how the crystals worked and tainted it with his own perverse alterations!", Arthur said with glinting eyes.
Merlin stared at him. Arthur couldn't know that Leon was made of crystals. Of what they had seen. Arthur would have forgotten about it by now.
But Merlin had seen them. Arthur wasn't joking.

Merlin didn't move away, despite their sudden closeness. Despite the fact that Arthur's hands were still wet with tears.
"I could sense Sigans' magic, right before Lionel killed me, too."

Merlin's mouth opened slowly. Eyes wide, as he took in the fact that Arthur had stepped between Merlin and Leon, despite the fact that Lionel was Arthur's own murderer. " What kind of alterations?", he asked instead of prodding at the new knowledge.

Arthur sighed and tilted his head, before putting his forehead against Merlin's. Merlin let him. And it ironically proved just how much Merlin was like Emrys, that he didn't even question it.
"He was never supposed to figure out about Emry's magic. But eventually he did and learned of the crystals that we could make to sustain a life.
He left Camelot after that and we never saw him again. Well... until the day he attacked Camelot of course.

The first time he invaded the castle, he had an army at his disposal. I don't really know what he did to them, but I remember that Emrys defeated them."

"Him alone?"

"Yeah.", Arthur said and smiled a little at Merlin. "I suppose armies don't really have a chance against you either, huh Merlin?"

Merlin couldn't deny the blush that spread to his face. But Arthur didn't focus on that any more than necessary. Okay maybe a little. Maybe it was a little satisfying that he could make Merlin blush like that.

Anyway. "Emrys managed to defeat them. All but Sigan himself, obviously.
Lionel had a plan to distract and fight him should he return. He said with his plan, he could defeat him even without relying on magic, because he knew he wasn't strong enough to defeat Sigan on his own.
But Sigan ended up finding out about his plan. And he got killed. At least that's what I assumed.
It felt so final. As if Lionel had planned to die.
That's why I was surprised when he eventually survived. "

Merlin nodded slowly. "So... whatever it was that Sigan tried, it had to do with your crystals?"

"Yes. I've been thinking a lot about this. Actually. And I think I know why Lione- I mean Leon's crystals eat his memories. Sigan saw magic as nothing but a tool. He used his for his own gains.
He didn't understand that magic is a gift to share.
When you take this magic, it thins and eventually fades out. But if you share it, it grows and spreads and makes you immortal.
This is why Leon's crystals have to compensate with the memories.", Arthur said.

"I think Emrys and I were the only people who understood this difference by heart."

Merlin blinked at him. His mouth was trembling. "Yeah, I know what you mean.", he choked on his words. And Arthur could guess why.
Merlin grew up alone. In fear of people finding out of his magic. Merlin's life was threatened on top of the egoistical goals magic users usually had.

And if Merlin truly was Arthur's friend, then he probably always hoped for Arthur to see him as who he truly was. To see magic for what it was.
Arthur realized in this very moment that Merlin had begun to cry too. It was more subtle than Arthur's obvious sobs from earlier.

"Then, how do we save Leon?", Merlin whispered, too scared to break the moment between them.

"That's not the question.", Arthur answered slowly, which caused Merlin to look up at him again.
"The question is, how WAS he saved? Because last time I saw Lionel, he had no idea who he was or where he was. No sense of self at all.
Someone saved him. Leon's mind was tainted with an intent. I assume Sigan put an order into the crystals. It would be the one thing his memory can't delete. Otherwise he would have never listened to Sigan. Memories or no memories. Lionel never liked hurting people.
Perhaps the order was to kill his master's enemies.
But... something must have happened so that Leon killed Sigan in the end.
Something must have taken away the toxic ingredient Sigan used on him."

Arthur closed his eyes and tried to breathe. Merlin's present calmed him, more than it probably should.

"How can you be so sure this isn't just a side effect of your magic? The memory loss, all the stuff?"

"Because my son was born dead.", Arthur said and opened his eyes just in time to see Merlin back away.
"Your son? You and Emrys had a son?"

Arthur stared at him in confusion. For a moment he asked himself how Merlin couldn't know about Rosalin? Then his more reasonable side reminded him that his knowledge wasn't fucking universal.

Arthur chuckled nervously, but Merlin pushed him away now. Obviously regretting that he let Arthur come so close to him.
Arthur swallowed heavily.
"Merlin, listen.", he said, but Merlin was standing again, his back to the forest wall. Not to escape, just to be away from Arthur.

"I'm not sure I want to listen.", Merlin said. He seemed anxious.

But Arthur decided not to get up. "Merlin, I was married to a woman named Rosalin, yes. But we weren't lovers. She later ended up finding the love of her life in another king named Ashkanar."

Perhaps, if Merlin knew who Ashkanar was at this point in time, he would have shown it, but he didn't, so he didn't even ask about him.

"My wife and I had a son, an heir. He was the only child we had together, before we decided that we wouldn't work as a couple. But since Emrys and I didn't want my father to know about us, we kept up a facade until he died.
The room I lead you to, belonged to Emrys and me. This is why it's in the middle of nowhere within the castle. No windows and hidden by dozens of secret passageways. No one, especially my father, was supposed to find it. And when Emrys and I were finally official, we just remained there for privacy matters.

Rosalin was happy. Don't get me wrong. She had all the freedom in the world and I think she was even relieved, when we came to our agreement. She hated the idea of her whole identity revolving around her status as a wife.
She always wanted to be her own person, but she also wanted a child. So it kind of just worked itself out for her. Anyway, that's not important right now.
What is, is that this child was born dead.", Arthur made a pause to watch Merlin's reaction.

But Merlin remained still.

"Emrys and I brought him back to life with his magic."

Merlin's eyes widened. "That's impossible."

"Not for Emrys.", Arthur shook his head. "I suppose that's where Sigan got his stupid idea from with Lionel.
The point is, the baby never grew up. It remained a baby. Eventually he became more and more of a person. He couldn't talk, but I'm sure he remembered almost everything we showed him. And if his body had allowed him, he would have been able to respond. But the crystals stop all aging process.
We saved the baby. But he couldn't be an heir like that.
My father was not pleased and kept asking us what had happened, but how were we supposed to explain it?

We eventually found a... solution to the idea how to help the baby. But we decided against it. Because there was a high chance he would just have died."

Merlin nodded. Slowly, but still pressed against a wall with his back.

"We would have had to take away the crystals. But Rosalin was against it, so we just... didn't. When my father died and Emrys and I got together for everyone to see, she married Ashkanar and took the baby with her.
She always said Camelot didn't need an heir, as long as one of her kings was immortal.", Arthur smiled awkwardly.
"We never guessed I would outlive him. Even if it was only for a few moments."

Merlin nodded.
"Then... what happened to Camelot?"

Arthur frowned. "I don't know."

There was another beat of silence. Arthur sighed and hugged himself anxiously. Merlin watched him, as Arthur's mind slowly began to drift off again.

"Okay.", Merlin finally said and slowly came closer again. With trust and hope in his eyes, Arthur waited for Merlin to sit down in front of him again. A safe distance between them now.
But Merlin reached out his hands and Arthur took them gratefully.

"We will figure out how to deal with Leon later. But now, I need to ask you something else.", Merlin said, as he had sensed that the topic with Leon and Lionel had finally come to an end.

"Do you love Gwen?"

Arthur's face twisted. "Merlin, please not now. I'm still... Emrys, he -", Arthur stuttered.

"No, Arthur look at me. At Merlin. Your servant. Your friend. We need to talk about this."

"I'm not sure that is wise."

"Arthur, you're in too deep in your head about everything right now. You haven't even thought about how we can save Iseldir from the dungeons.
You have memories that make you love magic, when your usual self fears it.
And you are conflicted about your feelings for a man you lived with for what do I know for how many years.
You confuse me for him.
And you still don't know how to approach Gwen, because of your father!

You have to think about this carefully. Because is what you had with Emrys really worth giving up on Gwen, for me?
I don't know if you realize this, but as soon as Leon forgets who you are, you will regain your old memories anyway. The question is, how much of your old life will you remember?
How will you feel about Gwen and me, then?

And ...", Merlin huffed a laugh. "I don't want to make this about me, but.... am I supposed to pretend that I don't remember you like this?"

"Like what?", Arthur asked. Momentarily confused how he was any different now than before.

"You love magic.", Merlin shrugged and smiled a painful smile.
"I am magic. And you trust me. You see me for who I am.", then Merlin stopped. "Actually, that's not true, when you keep seeing your husband in me. I don't know how that...", Merlin breathed.
"I just don't think I can go back and wait for you to slowly accept me. As if I betrayed you in any way. It would hurt too much. Knowing that...
I love you, Arthur. I can't just -", Merlin froze at his own last sentence.
Then his eyes widened as he looked up into Arthur's equally surprised eyes.

"I mean..", Merlin tried, but Arthur stopped him.
"Don't take it back. I understand.", he said slowly. He looked at Merlin, really looked. Searching for a hint of a lie, but found only anxiety there.

"I.... I have to think about this.", Arthur said. And Merlin nodded.
"You're right. I keep confusing you with Emrys. And that is not fair to you.", Arthur added.
"I should rather think about this, after I have my memories back."

Merlin nodded but looked away.

"Hey.", Arthur finally said and rested a hand on Merlin's cheek.
"I know myself. And I know there has always been a huge place in my heart reserved for Merlin of Ealdor. I've always valued you differently than a knight or a friend. You were always more than that. I just never let myself think about it. And now I can't let myself think about it either, because of Emrys.
We will figure it out. And no. Don't pretend it never happened. Tell me everything, as soon as I remember."

Merlin nodded slowly.