I spent Monday doing everything in my power to get my mind off Stellar.

In fact I spent the entire day on the SMP I wanted to stop thinking about her that bad.

I didn't have the energy to deal with my thoughts so I just tried my best to suppress and ignore them.

This isn't the healthiest strategy but it works for a little while.

Most of the day was spent with Puffy.

We tried to repair some things that got destroyed.

A few things I broke but I didn't mention that.

She wasn't streaming and neither was I so we could do whatever we wanted.

Canonically I'm one of Puffy's children, which gets confusing considering how the lore works on this server.

It didn't take us long to repair a lot of the server so we made an underground bunker.

Puffy came up with the idea, a place where we could hide all of our valuables and make overpowered enchantments.

So we got started on that.

She was doing all the digging and I was going to collect resources.

We spent a good two hours doing this before we were done.

It was a massive hole that went down to bedrock.

There were chests and and enchantment table.

It was perfect.

Since it was in a place that no one went mining and at bedrock it was unlikely that anyone would find it.

I moved most of my items that I wanted to keep safe into the room and helped Puffy move some of hers.

It took a little while to move everything but eventually we go it it done.

I had one last thing though.

My pet fox, Blue.

She was named Blue because when I found her she was holding I cornflower in her mouth.

Thing is Sapnap knows about Blue so I have to keep her safe.

I love Sapnap but when it comes to pets I don't want him anywhere near them.

Blue had her own area and I had to put her on a leash to stop her escaping.

When we were sure she was secure we both wrote down the coordinates and left before someone found us.

——

Puffy had to go and do something so I called Minx.

Sure she wasn't part of the SMP but we are good friends.

She was streaming and when I joined the call I was immediately confronted with Minx falling of her chair.

I started laughing as quietly as I could.

The other people in the call were Niki and Fundy.

They had just finished a phasmophobia game and were sitting in the lobby.(idk that much about the game btw)

The other person playing had to go so I offered to fill in for them.

We started and actually all tried for a bit.

Then Fundy started singing 'call me maybe' while chasing Niki.

Niki was scared so Minx had to go and shout at Fundy.

I died before we could find the ghost but we found it eventually.

We kept playing and I stayed with Minx most of the time.

Some of them we won, others we failed miserably.

Minx ended her stream and we all left the call to go and do our own thing or go to bed.

I just stayed up and went through my Twitter feed.

Scrolling through Twitter is definitely one way to lose track of time.

Somehow I found something that I didn't want too.

NSFW art of me.

I reported it and asked them to take it down.

The fact the people do stuff like this even though I'm a minor is shit.

It got taken down within the hour and I just moved on with my night.

Then I found someone saying how I didn't deserve my fans and platform.

I just tried to ignore it.

Slowly I kept finding stuff like that,

More and more posts about how I 'only had followers because I'm a girl' or how 'I'm using Dream for clout'.

All of it was getting too much.

I would go to the replies to find people either defending me or saying something worse.

Then I went to my Instagram DM's.

It was bad.

People know that I don't usually check so they use them to hate on me without anyone knowing.

The further I scrolled the worse it got.

'Can you just kill yourself already?'

'They don't actually care about you yk'

'I will find you and kill you. Personally.'

'You're so annoying god'

'We know where you live, time to have some fun'

⚠️⚠️TW PANIC ATTACK, please don't read this if you are triggered by them, your mental health is more important than this<3⚠️⚠️(there will be something to tell u it's over when it's done)

I didn't realise my heart starting to beat faster,

My breathing quickening,

The shaking.

I knew what was coming and I didn't want it to happen.

In my desperate attempts to calm myself down I just made it worse.

I couldn't ground myself no matter how hard I tried.

I needed to call someone but I couldn't.

My hands were shaking too bad too type,

I couldn't think straight.

Then I had an idea,

'Hey Siri, c-call George' my voice started to break and I felt the lump in my throat.

I didn't know what time it was there.

It rang a few times before he picked up.

'Hey Rose'

'G-George help me pl-lease'

'Just breath with me ok' he said, I could hear him typing.

When I tried to breath it was so hard.

It was like I was drowning and all the I had to breath through was the thinnest straw.

I could barley take a breath in and let it got without feeling the lump in my throat.

'It's n-not working' I got out.

'Ok ok um... can you name five things you can see'

'Uh my PC, empty cans, my desk, the phone and um uhh my keyboard'

'Good job, now four things you can feel' I could still hear him typing away.

My mind was so all over the place.

'My.. my chair, my um hoodie, the desk and uh the.. umm.. headphones'

Then I heard another voice, it was Dream.

'Ok good, keep going, three things you can hear' it was Dream speaking now.

'You, George and um typing'

'Two things you can smell'

'I-I can't'

It was getting hard to breath again.

I knew that I was hyperventilating but it just made me panic more.

The voices started getting muffled and I couldn't work out what they were saying.

The last thing I remember was saying 'can't'.

——

⚠️⚠️TW OVER⚠️⚠️

I woke up confused.

There were two people around me talking.

At first I couldn't recognise them but then I remembered them.

Olivia and Riley.

'Hey, your ok' said Olivia.

Riley was talking to someone on my computer.

'Oh she just woke up' I heard to say.

They explained that George had messaged them on discord and told them to go over immediately.

My parents and brother were out so they used the keys that I gave them.

I could still feel the panic from before but it wasn't anywhere near as bad.

'Cuddle?' Was all I could get out.

'Of course' Riley said.

They knew that my love language was touch.

Even with platonic relationships, I was bad with words so I just preferred to give someone a hug or hold their hand.

We moved over to my bed and Olivia turned off my PC.

They both sat on either side of me and let me lie in between them.

I laid with my head on Riley's shoulder and Olivia holding my other hand in the lap.

They put on adventure time on Riley's laptop.

It was one of my favourite cartoons and they would always watch it with when I needed to calm down.

I fell asleep after half an hour.

I couldn't sleep until I felt safe so when I was with them I could finally rest.

——

The next day Olivia and Riley had to go home so they asked Dream and George to keep an eye on me.

I didn't go to school after they convinced me not to.

They also bribed me with spending time with Dream and George.

We spent most of the day just talking and not bringing up last night.

George couldn't sleep for once so he stayed with us.

But after four hours someone had to bring it up.

It was Dream who brought it up.

He asked how I was after it and eventually I explained why it even happened in the first place.

I told him how I got sucked in and how once I got to Instagram I just couldn't handle it anymore.

They were both really understanding and didn't tell me it was my fault for looking at them in the first place.

We talked about it until I had to stop.

'I don't think I can keep talking about it, sorry'

Dream reassured me that it was fine.

Turns out George had fallen asleep while we were talking.

Makes sense sine he had been woken up by me at 2am unable to form a sentence.

We let him sleep and just tried to keep a little quieter.

At one point we left George to sleep and Sapnap came into Dream's room to talk to me as well.

Dream had told Sapnap about the situation.

He had been sitting with him on the couch eating dinner when George texted him.

Sapnap had actually followed him into his room while it all happened but didn't say anything.

He had looked after Dream after I passed out and comforted him until I was doing better.

The thing about Sapnap is that he's actually pretty quiet off camera and wasn't as loud and outgoing.

At first it was slightly confused by it but eventually I understood that he just preferred not to talk as much.

——

The next day I went to school but took it easy.

Olivia had threatened to take my phone if I did anything she deemed 'overwhelming' according to her.

And I knew damn well she wasn't joking.

So I didn't do much that day and skipped P.E.

It was unlike me to skip P.E so some people were concerned but I just said I had an appointment.

Stellar and I spent lunch together like we always did now.

I didn't tell her about the panic attack so it was easy to avoid the subject.

The bus home was boring but I got to go home and play with my friends so I had something to look forward too while I waited to get home.

But when I started my stream I was confronted with some horrible stuff.