Troye's POV

I froze in my steps as his eyes met mine and my heart stuttered uncomfortably in my chest.

No.

I tore my gaze away from his, swallowing around the huge lump that formed in my throat. There's no way that it's him, no fucking way. It's been ten years. Ten years since I last saw him, ten years since I last heard that iconic crackle that lit up the world like firecrackers on a warm summer night. Ten years since I knew for sure who I was. Ten years since I felt like someone really cared about me. Ten years since I got to hold him in my arms and whisper into his hair how much he meant to me. Ten years later, now, I don't think he even remembers me. I don't think he even knows who I am, and even though I know it's my fault for pushing him away to chase my dreams; my foolish, childish dreams that only made me lonely and empty; I can't help but wonder if he still thinks about me the way I do each night before I fall asleep. The first few months that I was separated from him I would pick up the phone to call him each time something happened, only to remember that he is no longer mine to call. No longer mine to call 'best friend' because I ruined it with my selfish actions.

Collapsing into the booth across from Emma I clutched my head feeling the familiar ache of regret and tears pulsing in the back of my eyes. Don't cry, don't cry. But of course my body decides to fight against me and warm tears trickle down my face.

"Give us a moment please." I hear Emma say to the waitress that must've been staring at us like we're insane. "Troye, what's wrong? Please talk to me, do you want me to order room service for you and we can go back to the hotel?"

"I'm fine, absolutely fine." I muster up a strained smile in vain hopes of convincing her that nothing is wrong. But being the person that has been with me nearly every waking moment for the past ten years she sees through my lies as easily as I am able to fake a laugh each time we encounter the press. 

I stared down at my hands fighting the memories that flooded through my body wracking me in waves of sorrow and years of emotions that I stored in the back of my mind desperate to forget. "Let's order." I look back up at my manager, meeting her concerned gaze. This isn't the first time that something like this has happened, but never once have I broken down in public. Emma knows so much about me, but this is the only thing that I've been keeping from her all these years. Even my own family has no idea why I suddenly pushed him from my life, and I can't help but regret it everyday. I want him back. I miss him so much that my whole existence aches to believe that some part of him still thinks about me, about us. And the fact that he's moved on burns like a bitch. I want him back so badly, but I know I don't deserve him in my life. This is what I've turned into, a selfish and blind hypocrite that I swore to never turn into. One of those vain and cruel celebrities that fans look up to believing that they are only capable of being perfect. While in real life, when no longer hidden by photoshop and pre fed lines we are a complete and utter disaster.  

The food was amazing as usual, but I just couldn't keep up with Emma's chatter so eventually we drifted into a comfortable silence with her texting on her phone and me, well; I was busy eavesdropping on the conversation going on in the table next to us. Absorbed in their happy chattering and occasional bad jokes that everyone pretends to laugh at. That was the life that I could've had, the kind of friendship and happiness that I traded for when I signed the contract ten years ago. As I listened, I became so immersed in their easy banter that I didn't notice a small brunet with ombred hair standing up all of a sudden, scrapping her chair back as she maneuvered easily around her seated companions, with everyone watching; their mouths open as she gracefully flounced up to my table.

"Hello, I'm sorry to interrupt but my name is Zoe Sugg, also known as Zoella on YouTube and a few years back I interviewed you on one of the mainstage panels for Vidcon. I'm not sure if you remeber me but I just wanted to come say hi and that I really enjoy your works." Zoe beamed at me her brilliant blue eyes shining as she spoke. 

"Nice to see you again Zoe," I said softly as she rocked from feet to feet. "What do you do on YouTube?"

"Oh you know," She waved her hands around "this and that, a bit of everything but mostly makeup tutorials and beauty guru things. Those are my friends Tanya, Jim, Marcus, Niomi, Alfie, Joe, Caspar, Connor, Korey and Tyler. We make YouTube videos for a living." She hesitated before saying Tyler's name almost as if she was waiting for me to point out that I knew who he was. But of course having been under the bar of paparazzi lenses for most of my life, I've long since learnt to mask my emotions behind the camera ready mask that I put on each time I leave the safe confinements of my house and the cars that carter me everywhere I go. 

"That's cool, hey guys!" I waved at the group that was now gawking at us, but my eyes immediately zeroed in on the boy with blue hair who uncomfortably picked at his fingernails who unlike his companions, refused to look at me. The way he shielded away from me, wasn't like a shy fan nervous in making a mistake in front of me kind, but rather it was the I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you. I didn't know whether I should be happy that at least he was showing signs of knowing who I was or heart broken at the fact that he hated me. 

"So um, I was wondering if you'd like to pick up coffee with me tomorrow? Here's my number,"
Zoe blurted as she handed me a small slip of paper with ten neatly printed numbers in blue ink. "If you're up to it, call me and we can sort out the details?"

My throat suddenly felt like sandpaper, in the past ten years no one has ever came up to me treating me like another human being. The feeling felt refreshing, hopeful, and even dangerous. I was so deprived of human company that I didn't know how to respond so I only nodded before taking the number from her hands stuffing it into my coat pocket. It was an offer that I would obviously never take up on. I mean, there's no way I can just waltz into a coffee shop like any normal person to pick up a drink with my friends. I'd be mobbed the second I stepped out of the door. Friends. That word sounded so foreign. I don't think I can even recall the last time I had a true relationship with another person after I pushed Tyler away.

••O••  

Fiddling with the paper as I sat in the back of the car with Emma on my right; for some reason I just couldn't throw it away. I've been shoved countless of numbers from overconfident people at clubs and parties to annoying businessmen who wanted to use me for fame and money, but Zoe; she was different. Something felt so genuine it was almost like she actually wanted to get to know me. Not Troye Sivan from EMI the boy with million dollar albums under his name, but Troye Sivan Mellet from Perth Australia with a passion for music.

"I think you should call her." A timid voice spoke up shaking me out of my thoughts. Turning around I looked at Emma, "what do you mean? I can't call her. There is no way I can meet up with her even if I wanted to. People would be hunting me down as soon as they saw me on the streets. I can barely leave a foot out of this car without being mobbed by cameras and people grabbing me from all sides."

"I'm sure we can reservate the cafe for you guys tomorrow." She mused her fingers already flying across the screen on her phone.

"No! No! Just stop! I don't want to live like this anymore! I feel so trapped. No one looks at me like I have feelings and emotions too. No one wants to know who I am, no one cares about the boy who I have to hide because I have to "keep up my image" or because I have to be "professional." I just want to be me. But I can't, because everywhere I go there is a pack of bodyguards and paparazzi trailing me. You guys tell me to be myself because the fans like me for who I am. But that's not true. I eat chicken for lunch and there's a huge fucking article on the front cover of the newspaper the next day judging me. I talk to someone at a party and I'm immediately assumed to be in a relationship with them. You tell me Emma, how am I supposed to meet someone and have a regular relationship like everyone else? By stepping into this I've lost nearly everything. You're probably thinking that I'm crazy, sure I have money, I have fame, I have people who look up to me and support me; but this person that you see on the magazines? That's not me. That's Troye Sivan, not Troye Mellet. So no. I don't want an reserved coffee shop for me and someone who I had just met. I don't want that with anyone. I just want to have a genuine and real friendship with another person for once, and I don't care if I have to meet up with her in a wig with pink pigtails or a purple mini skirt I just want someone to know me as the real me." I spat angrily feeling anger bubble in my stomach. I knew she cared and I know I sounded like a prissy six year old throwing a tantrum, but for once I didn't care that I hurt her. For once I was glad that I had spoken up. I just had to get that off my chest, I felt like I was gonna explode if I kept it in for one more minute.

"I'm going to call her and tell her that I'll meet up with her. But I will do that on my own account and no one is to interfere." I yanked my phone out of my jeans pocket feeling my fingers shake as I entered the unfamiliar number into my phone.

One ring. My heart thumped uncomfortably in my chest. Should I just hang up?

Two rings. I should hang up, this was a terrible idea. I'm so stupi-

"Hello?" A voice sang into the phone, so unlike the girl's who gave me the phone number just hours ago. My stomach clenched his voice, it was him. Oh my god. But she gave me his phone number. She knows. "Hello? Is anyone there?" He cleared his voice with a hint of humor as he spoke. How would he react once he realized it was me? How does he not recognize my voice? 

Taking a deep breath I replied trying to steady my voice. "Hi, I was looking for Zoe?"

"Zoe? Zoe Sugg? Okay, one second." There was the sound of scruffling as he walked, laughter and snippets of conversation growing louder with each step. I couldn't help but feel a tingle of jealousy at the sound of joy emitted from the other end of the conversation. Could I have been part of it? If I chose the other road could I be sitting with them surrounded in shouts and giggles instead of this lonely and isolated car with no one but my weary manager to keep me company? It's not that I resented Emma's company, in fact she was one of the only reason that I kept trying. Kept getting up in the morning. Kept sane.

"Troye?" A small voice jolted me from my thoughts and back into the cruel world that is reality. "How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you very much." I seethed, resentment bubbling in my stomach. She tricked me. She obviously knew something was up and still she gave me Tyler's phone number; but at that thought my heart quickened. Did he talk about me? Was it possible that he told them about me? Is there still a slim chance that he still cared about me?

"I'm sorry, I don't know what's going on between you and Tyler but from the view as one of the closest friends to Ty, it feels like you guys know each other? I mean I'm so so so sorry if you guys are in a fight but it's just that I've known Ty for so long and he's never mentioned you. He never listens to any of your music and tries to change the conversation topic when you're mentioned. And I've never seen him so lost for words when we ran into each other. I just ahh!" She broke off sounding panicked. But in that instance I broke too. Another piece of my remaining hopes chipping away. He doesn't even want to be in a conversation about me. He doesn't listen to my music even though I stalk his ever growing YouTube channel like a fangirl high on One Direction fever. He simply wiped every trace of "us" out of his life and I feel like my heart just fell out of my chest splintering into a million unreplaceable and unmendable shards.

"I-I I don't know Tyler." My heart wailed at me for being so stupid, for letting him go; but my mind screamed at me "good job, you did the right thing." Some people say to follow your heart, because who you love and what you love will decide why you wake up in the morning and everything you do after that. Others say, let your mind take you on the road of consciousness and right judgment because love is not just a feeling; it is a choice. If you love someone, it will start off as a tickling sensation, followed by the need to be by their side. It grows to be an obsession, and it ends up as an addiction. But, there will also be times when that relationship and love doesn't burn that strong, so you need to chose to love that person. To be there for them even though your heart might hold a grudge. I love him, he's my bestfriend in my heart and even though it was my fault for pushing him away; I will suffer the consequences for that, by accepting his choice in no longer wanting to have me in his life. Because if that makes him happy, it makes me happy.

••O•• 

A/N

Hai! How's life?

I'm stuck home for most of the summer practicing for my piano exam and stuff... also lifeguard shit at like 6 in the morning someone save me im gonna die.

I think in the next few chapters imma do some POV changes like with Zoe's POV or Connor's and stuff. Just a thought. And in the following chapter or so I will be explaining everything about Tyler and Troye's past. Just gonna say, I made them the same age in this story and some details like where they live or what happened will be altered to fit. This is an AU, it doesn't match exactly to their life in real life. 

Oh and Troye? I'm rlly fucking pissed at you, you little rat boi. ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE TO US THAT YOU ARE GAY? BECAUSE HONEY WE ALL KNOW YOU STRAIGHT AS A RAINBOW UNICORN FARTING GLITTER. k i'm done i'll get out of here now ily. bye.

So as usual thank you so so so much for reading it means the whole flipping world to me, maybe share, vote, or comment if you wish! it really makes my life so much more motivating. Ilyasm hope you have a good day, week, month, year, life whatever.

Xx,

kelly.