a/n - i can't believe its already 20 chaps oml

Tyler's POV

Do you ever just sit and wonder if anyone even cared about you... If anyone would give a fuck if you lived or died. If you ate. If you went out. If you were still happy. I guess its not their responsibility to care... But every once in a while its that feeling of total darkness and the absolute need to reach out and touch. To feel the warmth of another human body next to you. Its that wonder of why you can't find happiness even in the simple acts of kindness that used to be emitted from the room full of your safest sounds... And all you really want in that moment is for someone to come over and talk you down.

I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like I'm on the other side of the wall separating myself from reality. And all I hear is the muffled voices as days go silently by and not a word is spoken. My icy demeanour fools no one. I've never been good at lying. But sometimes its not about whether someone realizes or not.. but rather if they care enough to notice.

I stand infront of the bathroom mirror, the fog from the steaming shower runs steadily behind me and blurs my visions; makes my reflection a distorted image. Small beads of precipitation roll down my slick skin sending shivers up my spine. Purple bruises litter my pale skin and faint pink scratch marks stretch across the expanse of my back lining me in marks that made me his. Swollen lipped and worn mind. Empty heart and coloured skin. Broken soul and crazed mind. It was these things that made me unrecognizable and a stranger to even my own eyes. These were the days that I felt utterly alone with nothing but grey skies and empty hearts. These were the days that I never imagined to live in again.

But these marks didn't make me smile in comfort knowing that the boy who decorated my body actually cared for me... Instead all I felt was a wave of unease wash over my worn body. Toxic ran through my veins and poison boiled in my blood vengefully. When did things take a turn for the worse. And how the hell did I not notice before it was too late?

I picked up my phone swiping my finger across the slick screen to clear it of the thin layer of mist. I clenched my eyes shut before clicking onto emergency 3 and pressed the device next to my head, the gradual ringing sounding like a drone in my muted ears. I'm so worthless. I'm such a bad person. The one who runs to you in a time of need but throws you away when you need him. I've become Troye and god did it scare me. I was doing the exact thing to my friends that he did to me ten years ago, except this time I was worse. But now as I stand stark naked in the humid bathroom with nothing but a thin white towel wrapped around my waist I could only plead that he would pick up. Pick up. Please...

••O••

Connor's POV

"Hello?" I slapped my hand across the slick surface of my phone efficiently silencing it before the second ring. It was four in the morning and I didn't even need to glance twice at the screen to know who was calling.

"Hi..." The line jumped and his voice came out in statics. In the background I could hear the usually soothing sound of water running from the tap and plopping in place to the tub below, but this time I couldn't help but feel a wave of worry crash over me. "Hi," I whispered timidly unsure to why he was calling and how I was to respond. "are you okay?"

A heavy breath sounded through the small decorative speakers and filled my relatively silent room apart from the soft snores muffled from the closed door separating myself and Troye it was eerily quiet. But I knew from more darker times that anything hurt less than the quiet. "I'm so sorry." He blurted out in one short breath the words blurred together from nerves and frustration. "I don't know what over came me but Connor you mean the world to me and I love you."

I sighed letting out a long breath that I hadn't known I was holding all this time. "It's alright Ty, I love you and miss you too. Was there a reason you called...?" I muttered the last part feeling like I already knew what it was about, but his response shocked me.

"Tell me Connor, do you hate me?"

"No! Of course not, why would you think that?"

"None at all?" He pressed on an air of seriousness coated his words and I gulped worriedly.

"Fine, yes there are times when you can be rude-- but that's mainly when you're tired. You can be a total bitch when you don't get enough sleep, but I'm the same with coffee. You can be over protective and sometimes clingy but thats what makes you Tyler, and that's what makes people love you."

The water turned off and a door slammed shut with a sharp click as he moved across the small expanse of his apartment to his conjoined bedroom. The mattress squealed beneath his weight as he leaned down onto the silken covers. Its funny how I can picture exactly what he's doing but at the same time my mind's racing with wonders to what he's thinking and if I said the wrong thing. I hate how our friendship has come to this. To the point where I have to rethink what I say over and over again before shooting him a text good morning or a tweet good night and I absolutely hate it. All I wish is to be taken back to the basics and the simple life, to the blue neighbourhood where this all started. Perhaps if I could relive this I'd tell myself to be braver. To take charge and notice the little details before things got too bad. "He doesn't deserve your friendship," a voice snarled in my mind jarring me into a stance. "But he's my best friend. He needs me." I countered angrily. "I can't just leave someone like this. He would be there for me too. He was there for me when I needed him. He helped me, it's my turn to repay him." The voice crackled in a menacing laugh that sounded so similar to my own I couldn't help but stare and wonder if I was saying this aloud. If the boy who's voice I'd unknowingly blocked off was listening to me argue with myself. "He's going insane. He's not mentally stable. One day you'll be on top of the world trying to stay on track and he'll kiss your feet while stabbing your back, and don't you dare blame anyone but yourself for all that you've brought upon." "But it's just a faze." I whisper mutedly shaking my head in frustration. He needs me. Troye needs me. And I'll help them as much as I can. Though I may be hurting on the inside, though all I want to do is plead them to stop fighting and just wake up from their childish rebukes I know inside they're hurting even more. I've done bad things before. I've broken hearts and stolen things, but one thing I know to never do is abandon a friend when they need me most. But all I can hope is for them to Remember Me.

"... Its all these little things that slips out of my mouth that drives me wild. But if its true and its meant to be him, and for reasons I don't know they all add up to him, then I'm in love with the devil, and all these little things."

"Tyler?"

He breaks off and an awkward silence stretches between us and the longer it lasts the more my heart grows in my tight chest threatening to burst. "Yes?"

"You're in love with Troye aren't you?"

And as I felt those words slip from my mouth I know it's true. For theres nothing to deny and by simply stating the unspoken truth after years of silence I can almost feel an invisible weight being lifted from his weakened shoulders.

But this time, I can't help but wonder... If it's too late.

I've learned long ago that broken hearts do stray and no matter how much you wonder and search, you just can't figure out where they go. Anyone in-between is the enemy but now is not time for hoping and praying, it's time to act before its too late; before the heart leaves and time runs out. Before the the see me becomes remind me. Because being reminded of the past that you used to have is worse than reliving a nightmare in broad daylight.

••O••

a/n

I have two choice rn.

#1 is ending the story in like the next few chapters.

#2 is going with the original plan that I set from the start.

so the truth is (the starts are falling ma and the wolves are out c-calling ma... ok ill go now) #2 is extremely cliche but its a lot um... happier...? #1 is the one that I'm trying to avoid but in all honesty it seems to be the one that I'm choosing rn.

i don't whats going to happen next because I really want a happy ending but ya know things happen. I'm not exactly giving away the ending the truth is this is meant to be a sad angst fic but it was meant to have its ups and downs but I realized its not always about ending but the story itself. and the truth is I have a great ending that I adore and hate at the same time.

so yeah sorry for updating so late I got obsessed with stalking troye and crying over blue neighbourhood and binge + the seattle show. I hope he comes to vancouver cause it will literally make my life.

ahaha thanks for reading I'll probably have the decision made by next week. do any of you want a Q&A chap lol

anyways ill go and try forcing another not so shitty chapter out of my asshole before I lose all my readers and fucking tronnor takes over the world but ya know.

hope you have a good day, week, month, year, life, whatever.

unedited as usual cause I'm fucking busy and remembering the times that i used to update daily with over 4k word chapters lmao. sorry school's rlly time consuming and now I also have fucking piano rehearsals like everyday god shoot me.

wish me luck ill see u all v v soon.

love,

kelly