Ah fuck, what had I done? Kissing another guys girlfriend was a level that even I wouldn't have expected myself to sink to.
The kiss was phenomenal by any standards. Perfect. Intoxicating. And so fucking wrong. And to add to it, the look on Zees face when I mentioned James' name had been like a dagger in the heart- she was clearly mortified that it had happened at all. What had she said? That she was the one who should be sorry.
I kicked at a mailbox as I walked down the road, just to let out some of my frustration. Not that it helped at all. Now I was just frustrated with a sore foot. Stopping in at a corner shop, I bought a packet of cigarettes, and headed to the local park near our place, with the idea that I would sit and smoke the whole fucking lot. Then maybe get a carton of beers and drink those too.
I knew that this was my first step to self pity and then depression, but at that moment it seemed like the perfect solution to me. Besides, the thought of going home and having to sit around watching Tré and Milly getting all lovey dovey was just a bit nauseating, and Mike would want to know what was up and why I was in such a foul mood. And knowing me, I wouldn't be able to help it and I would spill my guts to him, and it was pretty important that I kept this little secret to myself- I didn't want it getting back to James and getting Zee into trouble.
I sat my ass down on a park bench and lit up my first cigarette, half wishing that it was a doobie. I was doing anything to try and think of other things, but no matter what, my thoughts kept straying back to what had happened in the record shop.
Why had Zee kissed me back? It's not like she was some easy chick, happy to get with anyone whether she had a boyfriend or not. She really didn't seem like the type to cheat at all, and the look of guilt that had come over her face confirmed that. But there had to be a reason that she didn't push me away, didn't there? Was she unhappy with her relationship with James? Come to think of it, that night in the bar, she spent her time with me and not him. He had only swooped in at the last minute as we were leaving.
Despite the fact that I genuinely liked the guy, he seemed pretty decent, I could feel my resentment for him building up which was causing me to try and find flaws in their relationship that probably weren't even there.
I sat on that bench and smoked my cigarettes and was deep in thought until I looked up and realised that it was completely pitch black around me. The last of the day had faded away and night had taken over with me barely even noticing the change. I got up and headed to the road, checking my watch in the pool of light from a shop window front, and seeing that it was nearly 11pm I winced and headed toward home.
It wasn't the first time I had lost track of time due to my thoughts getting the better of me, and I was sure it wouldn't be the last. It usually happened when I was writing songs, which, quite frankly, was a better use of all that lost time than just moping and feeling sorry for myself.
I heard the music and laughter coming from our place before I even walked in the front door, and rolled my eyes. I wasn't really in the mood for company right now, but Tré and Mike had every right to have people over, it was just as much their place as it was mine.
I dropped my jacket on the hook by the door and headed for the kitchen, hoping to grab a beer and get to my room, avoiding the lounge area so I wouldn't be noticed by anyone. I wasn't even curious about who was here, all I wanted was to get to my room, shut the door, drink my beer and play guitar and the crash into bed, undisturbed. Hopefully tomorrow I would wake up in a better mood.
But of course, luck wasn't on my side. In fact, luck was playing for the devil and was actively trying to bring me down to my knees. Because as I walked into the kitchen, someone was already at the fridge. When they heard me come in, they turned and grinned at me, holding up a beer.
"Want a drink, buddy?" James asked me cheerfully.