I don't believe in God. I haven't in a long time. It started when i stubbed my toe. God wouldn't give the little girl that i was anger like that. I was a grenade. Be careful not to drop it. 

Despite not believing in God, i always kept the bible the church had given me. Its green paper cover is bent and torn. But maybe i'll want it one day. 

I watched a short film a classmate made. It was about her dead father. He was a drug addict and one day he over dosed. She was his daughter. Of course she loved him despite his addiction. But it made me wonder what death is like. I want to know what it is like when someone dies.

I didn't think he was listening.

The next day i got a call from my best friend's sister. She had been in the hospital for 5 months, and i knew she had an infection. Her sister said that they found dead lung tissue. Her family had decided to take my best friend off of the ventilator and "let her body do what it can". They were going to let her die. 

I knew as soon as her sister said this it was because i asked God to show me what it was like for someone to die. But i didn't mean her. I didn't mean it. I want to take it back.

A few days later, maybe a week later, i went to visit her in the hospital. She was so yellow, so jaundice, i wished it wasn't her. She was so warm. I don't think i'll ever forget her warmth. I held her hand. She moved her fingers and twitched her eyes, but there was a tube down her throat and she was highly sedated. She wasn't awake, but she could hear me. 

The next day i got a text at 2:19 AM from her sister. Our angel gained her wings

I didn't see until 10 AM. I felt so numb. I didn't get out of bed. 

Its been a week since she passed away. So many things have happened. She is in the ground, but i cant help but think of how beautiful she was even as she was dying. I never got to appreciate her before, but i hope she knows that i love her. 

I don't believe in God so i know the sky has gained the most beautiful star. 

And i will curse God for taking our star away until I'm in the ground just like she is.