Chapter 20:

I walk out of that house in just my bra and tights but for some reason I feel like I have more dignity than when I walked in. I feel free. Once I'm on the street, I grab the sweatshirt from my bag and throw it on. I immediately feel safer in it.

That's when I smell a mixture of cologne, shampoo, and boy. This is Niall's sweatshirt. The one I took to New York. I stop for a moment just to breathe it in.

After walking a little further I walk into a gas station bathroom to change fully. I put on a sports bra, my boy shorts, sweatpants, and flip flops. Shoving my tights and heels into my bag, I walk back into the night.

After another half hour of walking home, I pass by a wooded area. I stop and stare at it for a minute. A smile plays at my lips. It reminds me of the entrance to me and Niall's spot. And suddenly memories replace the image I see in front of me.

Niall pushes the hair that has fallen in front of my face behind my ear and smiles at me. His eyes are more captivating than the sky above my head.

"You will never know just how beautiful you are to me." He whispers, his breath fanning my face.

I just stare at him with wide eyes as something registers within me.

This is so much more than a summer fling. This means so much more to me than I expected it to. In this moment I never want to leave him. I want this. I want us.

Something clicks deep inside of me. Like turning on a lightbulb that has been off for a long time, the warmth is finally radiating again. I finally feel whole. I'm finally satisfied with my life...more than that I'm happy with my life.

A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth.

The smile fades from his face as he takes his hand and begins to run his thumb along my jawline. His eyes follow his hand and then they look up to meet mine.

"I love you." He breathes out softly.

My heart explodes and I gasp slightly but it's not audible.

My mouth opens as my mind tries to form a reply.

"Before you say anything, I want you to know that I don't expect a reply. I want you to tell me when your ready, whether that means in five minutes or five years. I don't want you to say it now just because I did." He smiles and then pulls me into him.

What scares me the most about this is that a moment ago I was about to reply, but I have no idea what I was going to say. There are so many things I should be saying right now. So many things I need to say.

The flashback figuratively and literally knocks the wind out of me. I drop to my knees on the sidewalk and stare at the ground below my palms.

I know what it was. I just admitted to myself what it was all those months ago. The thing that registered within me, the something that clicked deep inside of me, the light that turned on, the thing I was going to say to him before he interrupted me.

I was going to tell him I loved him.

I loved him so much. And maybe then I wasn't ready to say it but...I think I am now.

No, I know I am now.

Nina is gone, Ben is gone, my denial is gone, all that's left is the ever-present truth that I am irrevocably in love with Niall.

I don't care that we aren't good for each other.
I don't care that being near him only hurts me.
I don't care that we can never be just friends or more than friends.
I don't care that people tell me to stay away.
I don't care.

All I want to do is tell him I love him. And for the first time since I've been back, nothing is stopping me.

My heart feels lighter than ever and a genuine smile crosses my face. I stand to my feet and begin to run. I run the two blocks from here to the boys house. I can't stop until I get to him, I have to tell him.

I love him, and it feels so good to admit that.

I see the house in my view and I sprint up the steps. I throw open the door, not even bothering to say hi to anyone in the living room.

"Hello to you too!" Brook shouts as I throw my bag down and jog up the stairs. I don't care, I'll speak with her later.

I've never been more sure about anything than I am right now. Each step towards his door only adds to my love for him. It's not even a want anymore. It's a need. I don't simply want him in my life, I need him there. And I know something inside of him needs me too.

I need him to know how I feel.

I reach his door.

I'm going to tell him.

I don't hesitate for a moment when I throw it open.

But then I stop dead in my tracks.

Correction; I needed him to know how I feel, I was going to tell him.

Because there's just one problem, it's hard to tell somebody you love them while they're making out with somebody else.

My entire world stops in the blink of an eye. It's like losing the battle that ultimately loses the war.

And that's it.

That's how the story goes for us. It's all over.

Him and Nina don't even notice me, they just continue devouring each other while I stand helpless in the doorway. I can't tear my eyes away from them. He's so beautiful, and I love him. But this just feels like the end of an era.

The entire time I've been trying to accept my love for this boy I once thought was too good to actually love someone like me. And now I have...but it's too late. I'm always too late.

The tragic tale of Rosie and Niall has finally come to a close. I'm not sure if that's completely true, but at the moment it feels that way. I guess I just built myself up too high for this moment. The higher you are the further you have to fall. And that's what this moment feels like.

I'm just falling and falling and it's somewhat surreal. I'm amazed at how quickly the heart can break. It's so fragile and not at all easy to repair. Why do humans depend on something so undependable? It's silly, really, to put so much on something that is destined to fail at some point. Love is always destined to fail.

I slowly shut the door and back away from it.

"I love you." I whisper. I know he can't hear me and I guess that's kind of the point.

I walk back downstairs, wanting to be as far away from them as possible. To my dismay, the boys, Brook, and Ash are all watching a film in the living room.

I make no noise as I sit on the leg of a sofa. I can't help myself when a tear wrestles it's way out of my eyes. Others soon follow.

"What's wrong, you look like you just saw a ghost?" Brook asks me. I notice my widened eyes and slightly parted lips and make my expression impassive instead of shocked.

"Hey, are you crying?" Liam adds and pauses the movie. The light from the screen just barely illuminates the living room, but I guess he can see the tears.

I don't say anything, I just stare at the floor. I didn't want the attention, just the company.

"What's wrong?" Liam asks.

"Nothing." I reply, still not looking at him.

"Rosie.." Brook whines.

"Fine, I ended it with Ben. Happy?" I snap. Im not going to tell them the real reason. Although, now that I think about it that kind of is the reason I'm crying. Ben was right, Niall doesn't love me and I'm just going to crawl back to him like I always do.

"Why, what happened?" She presses and rubs my hand for comfort.

"Nothing." I vaguely reply and lift my hand onto my lap so it's out of Brooks reach. I feel guilty but I don't need her sympathy.

"Don't even think about it Rosie." Harry pipes in using a sing-song voice.

"What?" I ask, confused by his statement.

"You know what." He scoffs.

"Enlighten me." I roll my eyes at his attitude.

"If you insist. You broke up with him for Niall. That's why you rushed upstairs and that's why you're crying because I know for a fact Nina is up there with him. We talked about this and you agreed to leave him alone!" Harry half yells the last part. He's very protective of Niall. That or he really hates me.

"That's not why Harry." I simply state in a bored voice, I'm annoyed with his insistence on this and also the fact he's accusing me in front of everyone.

"It is though, isn't it." He replies matter-of-factly.

"Stop acting like you know everything alright? You clearly don't. I guess your ego is larger than your hair." I throw in an insult that I immediately regret. I don't take it back though, he has no right to say those things. Part of it is true, I did go up there for Niall. But that's not why I left Ben. I left for myself.

"Hey, watch your mouth Rosie. You don't get to insult him just because he's right." Ashland speaks up, protecting her boyfriend.

"Wow Ash thanks. I guess those ten years of our friendship meant less than your little fling with some pop star." I indirectly insult her too. Boy am I in a self destructing mood tonight.

"I'm not going to side with you on this Rosie, especially if you bully me! You really hurt him and I know you. You run away from everything and Niall can't handle that again. I'm sorry but I agree with Harry. You need to move on." She says as Harry wraps an arm around her.

Hell no.

"I know I hurt him! Don't you guys fucking get that? I know what I did and I know what I am! You don't need to remind me I'm filth because I completely fucking agree! But don't try and tell me why I left Ben because none of you have any idea what I've gone through! None of you! So stop throwing that in my face every fucking second!" I stand up and scream at all of them. At first I know I deserved it, but I honestly have changed and it's getting to a point where I'm tired of the reminders.

"Stop being so fucking dramatic! Nobody called you filth Rosie! You're only getting this defensive because I'm right! It's fucking obvious! You left Ben for Niall but he doesn't want you back so now you're going to try and hurt everyone as some twisted payback to the world. Well not this time, I'm not fucking having it!" Harry yells back, on his feet as well.

"Right, because you know everything Harry!" I throw my hands out for emphasis.

"I know this!" He pushes again.

"Stop it! Just shut the fuck up about it!" I'm done with the accusations and I'm not going to admit to a lie.

"I'll stop when you admit why you really left Ben, for Niall!" He pushes.

"That's not why I left you fucking ignorant twit!" I scream louder. I've stopped crying at this point. My tears replaced by anger.

"Then why? Enlighten us all Rosie! Let's see what bullshit you can come up with this time!" He mocks me.

I suddenly freeze and let a heavy silence fill the air before I speak again.

"You really want to know?" I ask in a low voice, challenging him.

He opens his arms in a gesture telling me to go ahead.

"Fine, I'll fucking show you then!" I say.

I grab makeup removing wipes out of my purse and scrub off the cover-up on my bruises.

"What's the point of this?" Harry asks me.

"Would you please just shut the fucking hell up for one minute!" I snap and he obeys.

I pull down my sweatpants and rip off my sweatshirt in one swift motion. I'm left in my sports bra and boy shorts.

"What are you-" Harry begins. He's cut off by me flicking on the light switch so they can actually see my skin. The delicate purples, yellows, blues, and greens cover me like patchwork.

The tears are immediate as I wait for them to react. The anger that boiled inside of me just moments ago is replaced with an overwhelming sense of self hatred and embarrassment. I'm so fucking ashamed of myself.

"This is why I left him." I sob into my hands. I can't bear to look at any of them.

I feel something being draped over my shoulders. I remove my hands from my face to see Ashland placing a blanket over my battered body. I let her wrap her arms around me and bring me to the couch. I also let myself cry into her shoulder. I miss her so much and the ache I feel for her only adds to my tears.

I just allow myself to break down in front of everyone. Nobody says anything, I think they are all in shock at the moment.

"I should go back. H-he's just gonna be m-more mad the longer I w-wait." I try to regain control of my voice.

"Go back where?" Ash asks in a soothing tone.

"To Ben. You guys were r-right. I should just stay with him. I'm so s-sorry." I blame myself for everything they accused me of. It's mostly my fault the fight happened though so I guess I'm not out of bounds.

"No. You're never going back to him again." Harry says firmly, his face pale with shock.

"But you said-" I counter.

"I know what I said." He interrupts.

"You don't understand Harry." I beg.

"No, I didn't. But I do now, and I was wrong. I'm so fucking sorry Rosie." He kneels in front of me.

"He's all I have." I whine pathetically.

"Wrong. You have all of us." Ash says and holds me closer. I nod into her shoulder.

"I got kitchen knives, Liam you got bats?" Louis jokes, at least I hope it was a joke, and I somewhat laugh through my sobs.

"Seriously Rosie, I'd commit murder for you." Lou says and I smile.

"Thanks Louis." I say sadly.

"If I had his address he'd already be dead." Harry says.

"Enough murder talk guys. C'mon Rosie, let's go to bed." Ash coos into my ear and I follow her up the stairs.

"Here, let me take the blanket back down and I'll grab your sweatpants." She offers and I nod and hand her the blanket once we get to the hallway. She jogs back down to grab them. I wipe under my eyes and walk towards my room at the end of the hall.

I watch Niall's door open and him walk out of it as I helplessly stand half naked in the hallway. Whatever, I don't even care at this point. He looks up at me after shutting the door behind him. Even though he knows about the bruises, he's still never seen all of them. He looks me up and down.

"Rosie." He breathes out. His hand extends towards me but he pulls it back to his side.

Ash runs back up the stairs and takes in the awkward scene.

"C'mon, let's go." She ushers me into my room and away from Niall.

I crawl under the covers once I slide my clothes back on.

"Ash?" I sniffle.

"Yea?"

"Stay, please." I ask her.

"Of course." She climbs under the covers with me and I'm suddenly closer to her than I've ever been since I got back. She will forever be my rock.

"I never said congrats, by the way, I've been meaning to." I say after a minute of silence.

"For what?" She asks and strokes my hair.

"Winning the bowling match last summer." I say. Better late than never I suppose.

She just laughs softly.

"Ash?"

"Yea?" She replies.

"Thank you." I say. She knows what I mean...just for everything.

"You're alright now." She whispers to me as I drift off to sleep.