Chapter 17:

So much happiness.

That's all that surrounds me these days...just happiness. And I'm the dark storm cloud surrounded by rays of sunshine.

Today will be the second wedding I've been to in a week. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for my friends. And it's not like I'm single either, I have Ben. I just want the certainty they all have. Rebecca and Navy know that they want forever with each other. Zayn and Perrie know as well. I couldn't be more excited, I guess it's just jealousy that has me frowning right now.

Everyone is sitting down in white wooden chairs with lilac bows on the back. The wedding is outdoors on the grass field behind a beautiful country club where the reception will be held. I'm in the third row behind Perrie's family with Ben by my side. Zayn stands at the alter fidgeting with his bow tie and I must say he looks dashing dressed in a light brown tuxedo.

Behind him stand his groomsmen. His best man is Perrie's brother Jonnie and the other groomsmen consist of Harry, Liam, Louis, and Niall. They all look amazing in tan tuxedos slightly lighter than Zayn's with lilac ties and white dress shirts. The bridesmaids are Jesy, Leigh-Anne, and Jade from Perrie's band Little Mix as well as Zayn's sisters Waliyha and maid of honor Doniya. Safaa is the flower girl as she is still quite young. They all look stunning though in lilac dresses.

The music begins to play signaling the brides arrival and we all rise. Perrie walks down the aisle with her father and tears already stain her rosy cheeks. Her dress is amazing. It looks like a princesses gown which is very fitting for her. Her veil is so long it trails behind her on the floor. Zayn even tears up at the very sight of her.

"That's going to be you one day baby." Ben whispers into my ear. Things have been calm the past few days between us. I lean back into him and smile as his arms wrap around me.

The pair exchange vows and wedding bands as the crowd watches on with joy. I smile the entire time.

Before I know it, I'm following the ushers into the grand reception hall. The ceiling is almost completely glass and the walls have large windows. It's breathtaking.

"Rosie." I hear someone call from behind me as I search for my seat.

I turn around and search for the source of the sound when I see a striking blonde and an even more striking white gown.

"Perrie." I reply as a smile spreads across my face. I haven't seen her, well at least spoken to her, since the night I left for New York. That feels like an eternity ago. I did actually see her the night Harry and Ashland had their anniversary dinner but I was too caught up in Ben to talk to them.

I run up to her and wrap my arms around her. The light pink of my dress bunches up against hers as I squeeze her tiny frame. She smells the same. I never realized how much I missed her until this moment.

"You look so beautiful." I say as my eyes sting with a warning for oncoming tears. I blink them away.

"Thank you that's so sweet. And thank you for coming Rosie. I've missed you so so much." She says as I release her.

"Pez!" Eleanor screams as she runs over with Dani on her heels. The girls collectively hug and I stand awkwardly off to the side until Perrie pulls me towards them.

"I'm so happy for you Perrie. God I'm jealous of you're dress!" Dani gushes.

"Oh Rosie hey!" Eleanor notices me.

"Hi girls. Hey can I please say something really quickly now that you're all together?" I beg as a thought pops into my head.

"Of course." Perrie looks concerned as she says this.

"It's nothing bad...I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for deserting all of you. I'm sorry for not calling or explaining. And Perrie, I'm sorry I ran off when you tried to talk to me at the festival. I just didn't know what to do." I confess, remembering the time I saw Little Mix by chance at the concert with Navy in New York.

"Yeah what was that about?" She says. She smiles to soften the words so I can tell she isn't mad, only curious.

"I just...I knew that you knew I left and I guess I just wasn't ready to face the consequences of what I did. But I am now."

"Listen to me Rosie, you're my friend. Whatever happened between you and N- whoever else has no effect on us. I'll always be there for you." She says firmly. She definitely understands how I'm feeling right now. I can tell because she stopped herself from bringing up Niall. She's really considerate.

"I'm sorry. For everything." I say.

"Okay if you lend me that dress later all is forgiven." Danielle laughs as Eleanor says this.

"You have a deal." I smile, missing having ultra feminine friends to turn to.

Dinner is served after a few hours of walking around and chatting to everyone I know, which isn't many people. I did meet Zayn's mum. She's a very sweet lady.

"Hey babe can I have some of yours?" Ben asks as he finishes off his plate. I find it cute how he loves sharing food with me.

"Of course Ben." I giggle as I wipe food from the corner of his mouth. He smiles and kisses my cheek.

Moments like this make me happy. They remind me that Ben is a good guy. Sure he gets mad, he makes mistakes, we all do. Of course, I have to wear a cardigan the entire night because of his mistakes...but that doesn't mean they aren't forgivable. The scars from that night are healing. The bruises from that night are fading. Then theoretically so should the memory, right? Sometimes, like right now, I can almost see that happening.

But then I close my eyes and all I see is a shard of glass sticking out of my arm.

"Hey Rosie." Zayn sits down in the empty chair beside me and I turn to him.

"Zayn!" I scream and throw my arms around him. I haven't seen him all night and I didn't want to intrude while he was talking to someone more important.

"You look nice." He smiles as I finally release him.

"Shut up this is your night! Zayn you did so fantastic, congratulations!" I gush and straighten his tie.

"Thanks." He laughs, "Listen, I've been meaning to say something to you for awhile now and I just...I thought maybe now would be a good time...ya know, if you have a moment." He rambles.

"You have my full attention." I say.

"I just wanted to thank you for that day last summer when you gave me advice on Perrie. I honestly don't think I would have had the guts to ask her back then if it wasn't for you. So thank you for being an amazing friend Rosie. I mean it. I'm only saying this now because I know you've been feeling outcasted lately...but for me it's not like that at all. You're one of my best friends. And today is all thanks to you." He says shyly.

"Don't thank me, I don't deserve that. I was just trying to be a good-" I begin to be modest when he interrupts me.

"Friend. That's exactly my point." He beams at me.

I just stare at him dumbfounded. How does somebody even have that good of a heart? He's an angel. That day when we walked and I told him about Ben is my favorite memory of me and Zayn. I'm so thrilled he remembers, but I never realized how much if an impact it had on him. It certainly had one on me, that was the day I decided to stop shutting the boys out. I guess a lot of burnt bridges are being healed today. This wedding is definitely filled with love, and not just the bride and grooms.

"I guess a lot of lives changed that day. Zayn...I mean how perfect can you be? That was the sweetest thing I've ever heard, thank you." I say and reach out to hug him again.

"I love you." I mumble into his cologne scented shoulder. I have no idea where that came from, but I'm glad I said it. I feel a weight lifted from my chest. Because it's true...I do love him. He's family to me. They all are. And being able to admit that is progress in my eyes.

"I love you too Rosie." He says quietly and squeezes me tighter.

"Save me a dance?" I ask him as he stands up.

"As many as you'd like." He smiles and walks off to find his bride I assume.

With love in the air, even if only friendly, I grab Ben's hand and drag him to the dance floor. He says nothing, we just sway to the music. Eventually people begin to leave, and Ben suggests we go to his house. I agree just because I want to keep the good feelings up.

After his driver drops us off at the front door, we both make our way up to his room. He immediately pins me against the wall once I shut the door behind us. His forceful nature catches me off guard. His lips greedily and aggressively crash against mine. My brain hardly has time to react his actions were so sudden.

It's not the most pleasing experience.

However, he was good tonight. He behaved and we acted like the perfect couple. I guess in some ways we are.

He slides his hand under my thighs and lifts me so my legs are around his waist. This should be considered a really intense moment for us. I know in the movies this is like the perfect way to kiss someone. Passion, lust, adoration...but instead I just feel like a robot. I know the way I should respond so my body does it. Meanwhile in my head I'm still...well I'm still thinking.

Moments like this should make you focus only on the other person. Instead I'm thinking about the way I should be thinking. Basically, I don't know what's wrong with me. I care about Ben. He's excellent at this type of thing. So what's the problem? I guess it must be me. I have no clue what's blocking me from loving Ben though.

It's as if each time I feel like I might get close, something pulls me away from him. I don't know what...or who....or why...but it happens every time.

Ben carries me to the bed and climbs on top of me. I have a feeling I know where this is going. I'll go along with it though. I want him to be happy and I definitely don't want him to consider leaving me for the same reasons he strayed last time. He unzips my dress and I arch my back to let him remove it. And all too quickly he is inside of me again. He was never one for foreplay.

It feels awkward. I can feel every inch of his body. I can feel him rocking back and forth. I can feel his breath against my neck. I never thought I'd say this but I don't want to touch Ben. Not right now, not last time, and probably not the next time. But he's the only man who loves me and I guess that counts for something.

I screw my eyes shut and focus on my fists clenched tightly.

Finally it's all over. He pulls out of me and collapses beside me on the bed. He cuddles closer to me and wraps his muscular arms around my stomach. We lay there for what feels like a long time when his phone begins to ring.

"Be right back I promise." He slides his boxers on while jumping up and rushing out of the room with his phone.

I take this opportunity to slide on a pair of his sweatpants and a baggy shirt.

I feel my phone vibrate on the bed. I'm shocked to see a picture of me and Niall on the screen. I set that as his profile picture on my phone forever ago. I can't believe I didn't change it...that's just how long he hasn't called me for. His lips are pressed to my cheek and I have the happiest smile on I've ever seen. My heart sinks just a little as I look at my current surroundings then back at the picture.

I slide my finger across the screen.

"Niall?" I say into the receiver.

"Rosie, uh hey." He says awkwardly.

"What's wrong?" I know something must have happened for him to call me.

"Nothing I just...I wanted to make sure you were alright. I didn't see you leave so...yeah." He rambles and I smile to myself. He has a habit of checking up on me constantly. I sort of love it.

"Yes Ni. I'm fine." I laugh.

"Ni? Ah yes, I remember that nickname." He laughs too and my cheeks flame up, although this time he can't see.

"Idiot." I remark under my breath.

"What was that tough guy?" He says in a teasing tone.

"Id-i-ot." I pronounce clearly and louder.

"Wow. Rosaline Callahan finally grew a pair." He mocks and I can hear him clapping through the receiver.

"Shut up, idiot." I say without having a better comeback.

"Is that my new nickname or something?"

"Yes you idiot." I giggle. Ew, did I just giggle? This is getting too middle school for my taste.

"Thanks. Anyways I have a favor to ask you."

"Okay?" I reply skeptically.

"So, you're a girl right?" He asks.

"You would know." I say and my cheeks immediately heat up yet again. Why did I say that?

"True." He just laughs and I breathe a sigh of relief, "But I was wondering if you would go shopping with me for Nina. She keeps asking me to buy her some Dolce Vuitton purse or some shit." He asks and my smile is gone.

"Maybe you are an idiot." I say without thinking. My tone is harsher than I imagined it would sound.

"Rosie." He sighs.

"No don't Rosie me. This is a rational reaction." I say...more like whine. I really hate this recurrent talk we have.

"I thought we were past this. I really want us to try and be friends and this would be a good start. Maybe I was wrong, I guess I'll just ask Brook. Sorry." He snaps.

Yeah having me shop for your gold digger girlfriend from hell would be so much fun for me. Thanks for the invite I can't contain my enthusiasm... Of course, I can't really say that.

"No, wait. You're right I'm just an arsehole. I'd love to accompany you. Just tell me when and where." I say, trying to convince both myself and him.

"Excellent. I'm glad you are moving past your jealousy." He says smugly.

"I'm not jealous." I roll my eyes.

"It's okay Rosie, I don't judge you." He snickers like a school boy.

"Get off your high horse Niall I'm not jealous of your relationship!" I yell and laugh.

"Niall?" I hear at the doorway. I look up to see Ben chuck his phone on the desk. I quickly hang mine up without saying goodbye and turn to him. He looks pissed.

"Ben, I-" I begin.

"Save it, slut. First my dad calls to tell me he will only support me if I go to the college of his choice. Then I walk in to my girlfriend, who I thought I could fucking depend on, to find her fucking flirting with her ex boyfriend in my god damn bed!" He screams.

"I'm so sorry about your dad Ben but that's not what happened!" I say and stand up, trying to process what he just said.

"Oh she's in my fucking clothes too. Real classy you fucking whore." He says. Ouch.

"I know you're mad but that's no justification to talk to me like that." I say firmly.

"I have all the justification I need right now. Who are you to tell me how to talk, you royal bitch." He says slowly.

"Don't ever call me that again!" I yell. I've taken a lot of crap from him when he gets in his moods but right now I'm in the mindset to fight back.

"Oh yeah? And what if I do? What are you gonna do about it?" He says and steps closer to me.

"I'll leave your sorry arse. You need me Ben. I don't need you." I say surprisingly confident.

"Please. Nobody else would love a girl like you." He spits out.

"A girl like me?" I challenge him to clarify.

"Damaged." Is all he says. Silence fills the room as the weight of those two syllables fill the air. I can't help when my eyes fill with tears. I step back until I'm against the wall.

He's right, he's completely right.

I'm worthless.

My phone rings on his bed and he lifts it up to see Niall's caller ID.

"What the fuck?! What the fuck is this picture on your fucking screen!?" He screams at the top of his lungs and my eyes widen. Uh oh, I meant to change that.

He doesn't give me a chance to answer before taking my phone and throwing it as hard as he can. Not at the wall. Not at the bed. Not at the floor. At me. I cry in pain as the metal object hits my shoulder. I fall to the floor and grab the hurt area with both hands.

It is throbbing with pain already.

"Get up you piece of trash!" He says and kicks me forcefully in the stomach. The wind gets knocked out of me and I struggle to breathe. I wheeze and try to calm my breathing, but no oxygen comes to me.

I panic which only makes it worse. Ben grabs me by his shirt and lifts me to my feet. I feel dizzy and lightheaded and I can't think straight. I just need some air to breath. Why won't my lungs work? All I feel is fear.

He looks me dead in the eyes, which now have tears freely flowing, and brings his hand around to slap me across the cheek.

"How's this for justification?" He says sarcastically and throws the phone onto my lap as I slide back down the wall and see 1 missed call from Niall.

He leaves me there on the floor to cry and hopefully catch my breath. My entire body is shaking from pain. Ben has never hit me like that before. He's never looked me in the eyes. He's never spoken to me so aware and calm. He's never been sober. Usually alcohol is his cover...and I was happy to use it as my excuse for his behavior as well.

But what makes it forgivable this time? Nothing. And I doubt he even wants forgiveness. I know he will just do it again. At this point so does he.

I sit in that spot for exactly forty three minutes before Ben waltzes back in, beer in hand. He sits down beside me and I flinch when he pushes my hair behind my ear.

"You know what I'm going to say already, so I guess this is kind of pointless...but I'm sorry." He says the same old speech and I close my eyes.

"Please look at me." He asks. I oblige but don't say anything back.

"Rosie, I was pissed, yea, but my message was somewhat true. You know that you have flaws, but I look past them when nobody else will. I'm not saying I'm perfect because I obviously have my fair share of problems. I'm only asking you to look past mine the way I do yours. We need to accept each other in order to fully commit to this relationship. You know I'm right don't you?" He says.

My heart latches on to his words in the foolish way it usually does. I still try to search for any last hope between us even though I'm confident there is none. I guess a part of me will not let me mess up another relationship like I did with, well, I can't even think his name right now. I somehow think Ben will read my thoughts if I do.

The words just sound so sweet when Ben says them and I can't help but forgive him. Looking past each others flaws to fully find happiness together? What part of that doesn't sound perfect? Of course I get sucked in.

This cycle will never end.

"I do." I simply answer him.

"Good, that's good. So can we move past this the way we always do?" He says. Ben expects forgiveness, he's obviously not asking me, he's telling me.

"We can." Again I don't say much. I'm upset with myself for forgiving him but what else can I do? Ben is my only option.

"Oh and one more thing..." He moves his hand to graze my cheek. I try my hardest not to flinch.

"I love you." He says for the first time.

My heart swells at his words. No, not with love. With guilt.

After all I've been through with Ben I can't say that I love him.

"I love you too."

So when I say these words as an immediate response, the only emotion behind them is resentment. Towards Ben yes, but more importantly towards myself. I have no voice.

I guess I never really did though. My mother overshadows me. Ashland overshadows me. Brook overshadows me. And Ben overshadows me. The only person who ever really encouraged me to have a voice was-

Never mind. He doesn't matter anymore.

Oh if only that were true.