Throughout the week and in training, lando and I were off. I couldnt say that I didnt know why, we were both upset for our own reasons. Come thursday, people werent shy of pointing out the elephant in the room.

JH: "trouble in paradise?"

I was staring into vacant space as I waited for her to pass me the next hat to sign. I hadnt realised she was holding it out in front of me for some time.

YN: "sorry."

I mumbled as I continued to scribble on the stream of merchandise. 

JH: "whats wrong? youve been down in the dumps all week and you havent said anything to me."

I bit my bottom lip contemplating telling her, she was gonna have to know sooner or later, I was going to have to take a week off. 

YN: "Promise me you take this secret to your grave."

My jaw clenched as I looked dead straight into Jess's eyes. She looked puzzled but nodded regardless.

YN: "Im pregnant, accidently. And I dont plan to be pregnant for long so... hold the congrats."

The corners of her mouth turned down, a sign of sympathy which I wasnt really in the mood to induldge in. I didnt want to keep being sad over the whole thing, I desperately wanted to move on.  I grabbed the next hat ignoring jess and continued to sign stuff.

JH: "he knows, obviously."

YN: "yeah."

JH: "whens it happening?"

YN: "as soon as we get back from japan, ill need to take a week off."

She still sat there as stiff as a board, shock coursing through her I presumed.

YN: "look I know its a shitty situation but I dont want to mope about it-"

She put out a hand to stop me allowing her to talk.

JH: "As your friend yeah its sad, but as your PR agent, yn... if anyone finds out about this..."

I mentally slapped my forehead. I dont know why I didnt think about that sooner. 

YN: "Jess I dont want this to get out to my close friends and family let alone the entire F1 world."

I began chewing my gum at a furious pace as the anxiety grew and grew. 

JH: "Just make sure you go to a doctor highly accredited, they wont fuck around with patient confidentiality. And dont tell anyone else, even here at mclaren. Ill say you have family shit to deal with or something."

Her authoritative tone was both startling and comforting in this time. 

LN: "Morning."

Lando rolled in puffy eyed and with slow movements. He pulled his rain jacket off as he analysed the room. It took him a whole three seconds before he shot me a pointed look, reading the room like the back of his hand.

YN: "I had to tell her."

LN: "Did you?"

JH: "Yes, unless you have another way to keep this whole thing securely under wraps and to get yn a week off."

Lando rose to his toes and back down on his heels as he chewed the inside of his cheek. He hadnt been himself since I told him the news. I wanted the old him back.

YN: "Im done, all you have to do is sign."

I brushed past him and out of the room. It pained me more than giving up my own child to see him hurt. I knew I had no grounds to tell him to get over it when I was forcing this decision on him, but I missed him so bad.

I found the treadmill and set off on a light jog to warm up before Jason came to work through a mobility session. If I was tired, I could fall asleep tonight easily without stressing myself occupied with my thoughts. 

---------------

A few meters out from the car to go back to the hotel, Lando grabbed my hand. 

LN: "can we talk?"

YN: "cant it wait until we get back to the hotel?"

LN: "I want to do it here, say what I have to say and leave it behind before we go to the hotel."

I furrowed my eyebrow a touch wary but nodded regardless. He took my hand to a small tree outside which stood in the middle of a perfect circle of  clean cut grass.

LN: "I just had a chat with Jess and she made me realise how shitty of a fiance I have been to you."

I tilted my head to the side. I didnt want to agree but the stubborn part of me couldn't disagree either.

LN: "I'm not supportive, I'm not understanding, Ive been distant and im sorry."

I opened my mouth to tell him it was okay but he wasnt finished yet.

LN: "But, I want the record to show that I am not okay with this, its scary and doesnt sit well."

I massaged my neck as I threw my head back. We had once again found ourself in an argument going around in circles.

YN: "I understand its your child too but...this is so much harder for me and I... I need you."

It was hard to find the right words but eventually they fell in to place.

He tried on a forced smile which didnt sit right but the thought was there.

He grabbed my hand and circled his thumb on my hand.

LN: "Im here for you."

-----------------

Netflix was stuck to us like glue this weekend. It was like a leech, you want to rip it off aggressively, but you cant. 

Before going to the FIA press conference before qualifying, DTS producers had requested an interview. And by requested it was more of a demand.

J: "Hi my name is James, one of the producers of the show."

YN: "Hi, YN."

J: "Okay so just sit on the chair, one of the stylist will adjust your position, hair and makeup and such, and then introduce your name, team and role."

I waited for the stylist to adjust a single piece of hair before I could get the thumbs up.

YN: "My name is YN YLN, Im 20 years old and I am the first female driver in F1 and I represent Mclarens racing team."

J: "Would you say your first year of racing has been drama filled to say the least?"

I chuckled politely out of obligation.

YN: "I mean yeah, not really the smooth transition I wanted. Team mate turned boyfriend turned fiance."

Turned almost father. I shivered at the thought but pushed it back inside.

J: "Did you mean for it to happen?"

I took a deep breath.

YN: "No, in short. Ive said this many times in interviews but it was out of my control, the feelings we had for each other."

J: "would you say your relationship has been smooth sailing?"

YN: "are any relationships?"

I could already picture it, inserting the first grand prix win of mine.

J: "But your engaged?"

YN: "correct. we know how to seperate work and life. the track is a high pressure environment that can create tensions, its important to seperate it."

J: "where do you see your future with lando?"

I pictured us standing on podiums together, followed by a family. In that order.

YN: "I dont know, I think I take every day as it comes, in this industry its impossible to see whats coming."

He used it as a segway to talk about how unanticipated my first win was and how I had grown to mature in the car. 

He nodded satisfied with the answers I had given. Not that it really mattered, they could chop and paste what I said anyways to suit there story. He browsed over a sheet of paper filled with dot points. 

J: "lets talk about george russell."

I lifted my hand to hide the grin. His name was like a joke to me. When I resembled a more serious stature I looked back at him.

YN: "lets."

J: "do you get along?"

YN: "No."

Snickers filled the room. The whole world knew about the hatred I had for that man, I was more than happy to explore it for netflix, especially if it subtracted the attention away from lando and I.

After talking about george for a little bit and a few other matters related to f1 drama I was finally agreed to go but painfully reminded that this was going to happen again at the end of the season. 

YN: "cant wait!"

I faked the enthusiasm as I made my way to the press conference which compared to netflix was a piece of cake.