I hid myself in my room until char came to tell me I had to go to the garage to watch Lando race. My eyes were red despite my persistent effort to hide it.
CS: "what's wrong?"
YN: I couldn't tell her. I would look like an idiot. "Just upset about Q3."
CS: "hey hey don't stress okay. Your a rookie, they forgive you."
I nodded softly and offered her a smile.
CS: "did lando help? After the brief."
YN: "yeah." It sounded to abrupt so to avoid further questioning I lead us down to the garage.

I lingered in the corner careful to avoid landos eyeline. When he exited the garage I took a breath out I didn't even realize I was holding. I moved over to a chair with the pit crew to get a good view of the race. Starting P2 there were a lot of whispers of him possibly grabbing P1 for the first time. Hamilton was no fan of this track which made it a lot easier for him. As the red lights began to go out everyone sat on the edge of there seats. Here we go.

He didn't have the greatest start, bottas and leclerc got around him through the first corner dropping him into P4 in a matter of seconds.
Pit crew: "come on bud shake it off let's go."
The pace lando usually puts out wasn't there. It was clear to everyone he was having an off day. In the first 25 laps he had dropped to P6.

He came in to box at this stage but nobody filled me in, I had no time to clear out. I watched the car come in and rush out. Everyone was shaking there head as he came back out P8. Lando usually jumped up 6 places, not loose 6.

And of course the media was having a field day. The commentators making comments every now and then about how disappointing landos performance was. I sighed combing my fingers through my hair and my then placing a cap over my head. I couldn't help but think this was my fault.

As if it couldn't get worse, he ended in the gravel coming out of a turn in lap 53 dropping him down to P12 not even getting any points.  I heard his voice come over the comms.
LN: "fuck! Guys I'm sorry I've made a shit show of the opportunity today."
He was banging his helmet in the car as he backed out on again to the track. The sight made me ill.

The worst part was the atmosphere around me. Everyone was deflated, lost as well, nobody could pinpoint what was going wrong.

Then the post race interviews were just the icing on the seven layer shit cake.
R: "lando what on earth happened today. People thought this was your chance for you to get P1."
LN: "erm my head just wasn't there today, a few things going on personally. I let down the team massively and yeah...that's it."
R: "I mean what possibly can be going on for a performance like that?"
The reporter was being ruthless. Lando cocked his chin high looking up to the sky exasperated, looking for help I presumed.
LN: "I don't know what you want me to say, I had an off day which I know is unacceptable but it happened, it's done now and I'll have to work extra hard for France now."
He stormed off from the interview so I quickly retreated to my room careful not to run in to him.

Our rooms which were next door to each other made it easier for me to decipher when to leave. Right about when the door slammed did I depart. I had changed in to casual clothes to avoid attention at all.

As I drove to the hotel I tossed up whether or not I regretted this whole break thing. On one hand it really hurt Lando, i didn't have to watch him choke in that race to prove that. His reaction was plastered in my mind. And of course I missed him, when we were laughing and when he just seemed to lift of all the weight on my shoulders.

On the other hand, our relationship was under interesting circumstances. We trained together everyday as well as see each other outside of training. It was a big deal to be publicly dating, a move that required a lot of coaxing to stakeholders like the team and to fans. It meant that he could feel pressured to not make it all look stupid. Then of course there was the rapid developments we were making, I always had a fear of commitment when it came to relationships so when lando started talking about kids even if it had nothing to do with me....

My final answer is yes. This is the right thing to be doing.

I swiftly moved into the hotel elevator, keen to go to sleep. Hold it! I heard a voice shout it out and instinctively stuck my hand out. I kept my head low, not really wanting to engage with someone as the person walked in. As the elevator came to a close I heard the voice again. Cheers. I looked up recognizing the voice. Lando. Guess I misjudged my timing.
We stood as far apart as possible, staring at each other waiting for the other to say the first word. The tension was suffocating.
LN: "still on a break?"
I frowned.
YN: "yes."
He shook his head.
LN: "you didn't watch me race?"
YN; "no I watched it." I knew where he was leading.
LN: "cant you see how much you mean to me? I was dropping places like crazy and all I could think about was you and this stupid fucking break."
YN: "if anything that proves how bad this is for each other."
He scoffed.
LN: "no we aren't bad for each other, your just biting your tongue."
The elevator doors opened to his floor so he stepped out leaving me unable to find a response.
LN: "when your brave enough to talk to me again let me know." I watched him round the corner and the elevators doors close. The pressure in my shoulders was crazy, I was so tense with him around. I rolled them around to try and release it. He was still fighting for us, but this was day one of our break, early days, I wanted to see day seven to see if he truly still wants to be with me. Then I'll be brave and I'll talk to him, slow everything down, but I wanted to be sure first.