xviii. the heart is an arrow
– Randvi

THE SIX OF them walked for hours on end, making small talk to pass the time. It was a two day walk to Os Kervo, but Randvi prayed it would take them longer.

She could not go back to Ketterdam empty handed. Without Alina, she would not receive her million kruge prize, nor would she be free without Kaz's head for Pekka. Randvi could no longer rely on the protection of the Dregs, or on Kaz, not since he had learnt of her planned betrayal.

It did not matter that Randvi had not betrayed Kaz. She had broken his trust, a trust that would never be rebuilt.

Randvi spent most of the first day of walking in silence, trailing behind everyone else, consumed by her thoughts. Where would she go? Noyvi Zem? The Wandering Isle? Pekka had said he would hunt her every day until he found her, that she would never live freely whilst she owed him. She could survive, live day to day, moving from place to place. But what life was that? She had been on the run once before, and had sworn she would never do it again.

Could she go to Fjerda? Hope that the Druskelle had stopped searching for her, that people had forgotten the tale of the girl who could predict the future? Perhaps she could search for her brother, and the two would be reunited. Or perhaps the Darkling would be searching for her.

Perhaps she would never be safe, or free.

Randvi wanted to believe that Inej would have found a way to make her stay, that she would have convinced Kaz to look over her. She wanted to believe Kaz would never really turn his back on her.

But it seemed the two had other things in mind. They had begun to find a reason to fight in each other.

She had heard it in the way Kaz had told Inej 'I need you' during their walk. She had seen it in the look Inej had given, the way her lips had parted and eyes softened. Kaz needed Inej, but he did not need her. He never had needed her.

All those years Randvi had lied to herself, searched for meaning in meaningless things, every time Kaz asked her to accompany him on a job, every time he sat besides her in the crow club. It had all meant nothing. To him, she was nothing more than an investment, a convenience.

Non of it had been real.

As the six of them began to set up a camp for the night, the sky just starting to darken and turn a deep shade of purple and blue, Randvi felt an anger bubbling away inside her. Kaz had lied to her. Even in spite of knowing he was a trickster, Randvi felt betrayed, and a fraud. She had placed her trust in a boy that did not care for her.

Mal and Alina lay besides the fire, half asleep in each others arms. The fire had slowly begun to die, Randvi too distracted by her thoughts to bother collecting anymore wood to keep the fire a blaze.

Kaz had been the one to take everything away from her. The moment he had blackmailed her into doing the failed quest to kidnap Alina, her troubles had begun. He had no loyalty to her, and he had proved that when he'd abandoned her.

Why should she keep her loyalty to him? To a boy that had betrayed her. Loyalty is weakness.

Randvi shot up from the log she had been perched on, collecting her bow and arrows.

"I'm going to collect more firewood, and see if I can catch anything to roast." She said bluntly, turning her back on Kaz and walking off into the darkness.

In truth, she needed to be away from Kaz.

She walked as far as her legs would take her, stopping only when she could see the dying fire in the distance. She could see Kaz talking to Inej, hear the faint murmur of their voices. Kaz always spoke to Inej in a way Randvi dreamed he would speak to her.

He was probably telling Inej how much he needed her, how he had come to rely on her, and to search for her. Perhaps she was jealous, jealous that a girl she called a friend was closer to Kaz than her, that a boy she'd known longer trusted a girl he barely knew.

Crouching down in the darkness, she let her eyes scan the land around her, searching for the faintest movement of a rabbit, or a deer, or anything. She feared if an animal didn't come her way soon, she would end up drawing aim at Kaz.

She ought to have run away, to leave everyone behind and make her own way in the world. If they did not see her leave, they would never know where she had gone. She could be free, well, as free as can be. She could island hop, live in run down hotels, and ask for work on any farm she passed. Anything had to be better than the life she currently led.

Then, she heard the faint snap of a twig, and noticed a creature moving ahead in the distance. As she stood up, her eyes landed on a small deer munching away on some of the frosted grass, unaware of her presence. Just beyond, she could still see the fire, and Kaz.

A brief smile appeared on her lips, her mind instantly wandering to the time she'd missed shooting a deer whilst with her brother. If only he had been here, he'd have known what to do. He could have told her where to go, he always knew the answers to every problem.

Slowly, and as quietly as possible, Randvi reached back for her bow and an arrow, slipping it into place on the string, and beginning to aim.

She could hear her brothers voice around her, as if guiding her.

"Do you remember the most important rule?" Eivor whispered, gaze set on hers.

"Aim for the heart."

The gentle breeze of the forest brushed past them, Eivors hair flying a little in the wind. Around them the birds sung, the leaves in the trees rustled, and the sun creeping in through the gaps in the trees warmed their skin.

"Always the heart. And aim true." He whispered, making Randvi roll her eyes. "I heard a Suli say that once, you know the Ravkan's that travel and put on carnival performances?"

"Yes I know them." Randvi laughed. "You promised me you'd take me to one of their carnivals."

"One day. I once heard a Suli man say 'the heart is an arrow, it demands aim to land true.' I thought it would work in teaching you to hunt too. It's the same concept."

"You sound like mother, telling proverbs." Randvi scolded with a scoff, her bow held tightly in her hands.

"You can laugh at me all you want, Rúna, but one day you will come to understand."

And she did understand.

Randvi kept her bow drawn tightly, but felt her aim shift. She wanted to live freely, to know how it felt to not be hunted. She was tired of owing people, tired of Ketterdam and of trusting those who did not care for her. She had wasted too much of her life, and now, she wanted to live.

But even as Randvi drew her arrow, now aiming straight for Kaz's heart, she felt herself stall. Amongst the hatred surging through her veins, and the thoughts of all the cruel things he had ever said or done, her chest ached. It were as though the heart were finally being burned from her, leaving behind an empty feeling, a feeling something were missing.

She hated him. There was no part of Kaz that was not broken or flawed, no part of him that was good or lovable. And yet, she loved him.

Forgive me.

And then she fired, no hesitation.

The arrow flew threw the sky towards Kaz, only instead of striking him through the heart, struck his shoulder. She hadn't the will to kill him, only to betray him. He could kill her, and set her free. That was what she wanted.

She would never know freedom in this life, but perhaps she would find it in the next.

Randvi heard Kaz groan in pain, a hand holding onto the arrow. Yet, even as she noticed Inej had disappeared, she did not run. She would greet death as friend, not cower from it. And so, she made her way back towards the group, her bow resting over her shoulder.

Mal and Alina had woken at the sound of Kaz, and Mal was on his feet with a rifle in hand. Only he dropped it the moment his eyes landed on Randvi. Perhaps he ought to kill her, spare her the suffering Kaz had no doubt planned.

Jesper had broken off part of the arrow, reluctant to pull it from Kaz's shoulder and make the bleeding worse. He looked up at Randvi, expression unreadable. She felt a twang of guilt knowing that by betraying Kaz she had also betrayed Inej and Jesper.

"Be glad I didn't shoot your good leg." Randvi snapped.

Within seconds, even despite the pain in his shoulder, Kaz lunged towards her, stopping mere inches from her. She could see his fist clenched, the black look in his eyes. No one crossed Kaz and lived to tell the tale.

"Do it." Randvi taunted, noticing Inej reappear in the corner of her hand, knife in hand. Kaz could have easily taken it and run it across her throat.

The pain she felt would be over, and she'd be free.

Inej stared at her, her mouth slightly agape, but her eyes wide. It was then she felt herself wavering, beginning to doubt the decisions she'd made.

"Inej-"

"How could you?" She asked, her voice laced with hurt.

"I didn't have a choice-"

"You of all people know the value of loyalty and friendship. And yet you are throwing it all away, and for what? A million kruge? Is that how much we are worth to you?"

"I did it for freedom. You were willing to kill a man for your freedom, Inej, why should I be ridiculed for wanting to do the same?"

"I thought I knew you, Randvi." Kaz began, a slight snarl in his voice, wincing every time he moved his shoulder. "I thought I had you figured out. I guess I was wrong, I don't even recognise you anymore."

Randvi cast a glance around the camp, praying someone would pick up a gun and aim at her, or that Inej would drive a knife through her heart. She was tired, of being haunted by the past, and of living in a limbo between life and death. She wanted to see her mother again, to meet her father, and to be free.

"You want revenge? Take it." Randvi snarled, taking a step back from Kaz, glancing around at everyone. "Take it!"

But no one moved, or even inched towards a weapon. The only person to act would be Kaz, but he merely stepped away, holding a hand over his shoulder.

"Please." Begged Randvi, her voice beginning to tremble as she spoke. "Please."

It was a plea she repeated over and over, a quiet sobbing escaping her.

What was for pleading for? Kaz's forgiveness? Death?

A space grew between them, one wider than the universe itself. For the first the two had grown apart, neither being able to reach out to the other. It were as though Kaz were a star, and Randvi forced to watch him glisten, not knowing whether he was merely the ghost of a light that had once burnt.

She felt oceans apart, on opposite ends of a storm, being pushed further and further away. No matter how far she sailed, she would never beat the waves to meet the one person she had grown to care for.

Everything and everyone Randvi had grown to love was being ripped from her. For so long she thought all she had wanted was freedom, a quiet life with a farm and chickens somewhere far away. She had been so focused on finding a place to call home she had not once considered that perhaps the feeling of home came from the people she chose to surround herself with.

She had found her home with Jesper, and Inej, and Kaz. She had found a home in the most unlikely place. Kaz was her home, but a home she'd no longer have.

She had no home, and she never would.

She had been selfish, so blinded by greed and ambition she had forgotten what really mattered - Kaz.

"Death is too good for you," Kaz said coldly, collecting his bag and placing it over his good shoulder. Was he going to leave her there? Why wouldn't he just kill her? "And you don't deserve it."

Randvi's body felt weak, and soon she let herself fall to the ground on her knees, still praying death would find its way to her.

"But if I ever see your face in Ketterdam, I will kill you."

And then, he left. One by one, the people she had once called friends picked up their things and left, seeking to find a camp somewhere else. Somewhere far away. Inej was the last to leave, and Randvi could see the reluctance in her eyes. Even though she had betrayed Inej, it seemed she still cared.

Perhaps I should just let go, Randvi thought as she sat alone, the weight of the mistake heavy on her shoulders.

She had nothing to live for, no one that cared. Perhaps in death she could find what life had never granted her. Perhaps in death there would finally be an end to the overwhelming loneliness she faced, to the pain she felt when she woke up, and the ghosts that haunted her. And she would finally know what it felt to be free.

Randvi had always believed that stories had happy endings, and that no matter what, fate had something good in store. Although, it seemed her story had no happy ending. No prince waited for her, no family with open arms. Her story would be one that would be forgotten with time, with no one to remember her.

She thought she could have been the one to control her own fate, but she had been wrong. She thought she had known what she wanted. The same two things came to mind.

Peace. Freedom.

But then another thing came to mind, a thought so unwelcome it made her heart ache, and a lump form in her throat.

You, Kaz, you.

Only she would never have him. She had nothing now.