xliv. nations rise and fall
– Kaz

THE MOON THAT night was bright white and scornful, much like Colm Fahey's expression had been back on the Black Veil. The cold nipped at their cheeks, their breath visible in the air. A cold snap had broken, and Randvi had never looked more at home.

Her nose had turned pink in the cold, her eyelashes coated in small droplets of rain, now frozen and ice like. But what Kaz noticed above all else was the new sense of life instilled into her. It were as though a spark of hope had ignited a fire inside her, and barely a moment went by where she didn't seem happy.

Or perhaps she's finally gone mad, Kaz thought.

The boat cut silently through the glistening water. Kaz felt his pistol resting against side, hidden under his coat. Jesper had his revolvers back at his hips, both he, Matthias and Randvi had rifles slung across their shoulders. But his warnings had been clear, don't shoot unless necessary.

His words had been intended more for Randvi than anyone else.

No one spoke as they reached the shore and disembarked. Kaz gestured for them to get to their positions. He and Randvi would enter from the North, Nina and Jesper from the East, Wylan and Matthias from the West. Kuwei had been left behind on the Black Veil with Rotty and Jakov.

Jakov's better off back at the Black Veil, he'd told Randvi, who'd just crossed her arms and given him a strange look. And he had been telling the truth, there was no one better than a tidemaker to protect Kuwei. But there was also another reason Kaz wanted Jakov to stay behind, one he couldn't quite put into words.

The walk north across the island was silent. Randvi slung the rifle off her shoulder, holding it with ease as they stepped past villa after villa, all empty and abandoned. Sometimes Kaz forgot Randvi was not the same lost girl that had saved his life in Ketterdam. She was brave, and good, and the best fighter he'd ever met.

She was in every inch a warrior, a leader, a queen – his queen. She could command an army just as she commanded his heart. One day he would tell her that.

One day.

Why not today?

"Randvi–" Kaz began.

A guard rounded the corner. Randvi must have been able to see through walls, as the moment he stepped into sight she struck him with the butt of her rifle, sending him to the floor with a thud.

She merely grinned, stepping over the guards limp body. "That was close, you almost had a bullet between your eyes." She teased and walked on.

Kaz hadn't noticed he was smiling until he caught his reflection in a window. His smile disappeared. He should have seen the guard coming a mile off. Trailing after her, Kaz kept his ears pricked for the footsteps of any approaching guards.

The plan was simple – take Alys, get Inej back. It was a simple job, one he trusted the others to complete. He and Randvi were to be on lookout, which was proving easier than Kaz had first expected. They entered Van Eck's house to see the rest of the crew wearing masks of the Komedie Brute.

"All the guards are in the pantry," Matthias said, rifle tightly gripped in his hands.

"Like animals in a pen." Sang Randvi.

"But there's one missing," Wylan was silenced by a look from Nina.

"I hope you haven't gone rogue, Zenik." Kaz remarked. "Get Alys before anything else goes wrong."

Kaz returned to the doorway Randvi was leaning against, her gaze fixed out at the rippling waters of the lake. A sudden breeze lifted the ends of her hair, and for a moment Kaz felt as though he was a boy again, as though nothing bad had ever come between them. She looked at peace, the ghost of a smile on her lips.

He sometimes wondered whether Randvi knew how it felt to be at ease. They'd all suffered, but at least Kaz had a moments peace as a boy, at least he'd lived some resonance of a childhood, if it could even be called that.

Randvi never had.

What had she been like before Ketterdam? Before the drüskelle had taken everything from her? Probably the same as Kaz would have been had the plague not burnt the goodness from him.

"One step closer to getting back our girl," Randvi cast him a brief glance.

"We've won a battle, not the war." Kaz replied. "All we're doing is evening the playing field, now we have to bury Van Eck and his reputation."

"Is this about Inej or is it about your honour?"

"No one in Ketterdam has any honour."

"Right," Randvi scoffed. "Me included, I have yet to win mine back."

"Has your tidemaker puppy not yet convinced you killing is wrong?"

"Are you jealous of Jakov?"

Kaz felt his chest restrict at her words. Jakov – Ravka's next Saint. He'd seen the constant glances he'd stolen from Randvi, the smiles, the accidental brush of his hand against her when he needed to pass by. But Randvi would never know how hard it was for Kaz to watch her, never being able to draw closer, never able to brush his hand against hers.

He could never give her what she needed.

"He's the worst soldier I've ever met." Kaz huffed. "Planning on joining his merry band of Grisha soldiers?"

Stay in Ketterdam, he'd begged her one night on their journey back from Fjerda.

Randvi shook her head, making Kaz feel as though he were floating. "I don't think Ravka's for me," She admitted sadly. "I don't want to live my life as a soldier or a weapon. I want a farm, and–"

"Goats," Kaz continued. "And to sit under golden skies and watch the sunset."

A silence washed over the island. From the corner of his eye he could make out Randvi's stare, the smile she was trying to hold back.

Smile, he begged silently. It didn't matter how many times Kaz watched Randvi smile, he fell in love with it all over again.

"What would you have done if life had worked out differently?" Randvi asked, her eyes back on the star glistened lake. "Would you have been a farmer? Or a merchant?"

"What does it matter?" The rasp of his voice was rougher than usual.

What did it matter what could have been? There was no changing the wrongs Ketterdam had committed against him. Wishful thinking and dreams wouldn't change the past.

"I think I'd have been a farmer. Or perhaps a painter," There was no mistaking Randvi's beaming smile. "In reality I'd probably have been married off to some man before I turned 16, so I'm not missing out on much."

Had he ever truly been a child? One moment he was running through the blossom fields of his fathers farm, the next moment he'd been abandoned in a city intent on killing him, failed by the very people that were supposed to protect him. Jordie should have protected him. He'd foolishly let himself believe Pekka had wanted to protect him.

And yet through it all he could remember sitting on canal bridges with Jordie sipping hot chocolate, playing with a windup dog on a cobbled street. He remembered the magician he'd awed at, and all the tricks he'd told Jordie he would one day learn.

"A magician."

"Pardon?"

"I'd have been a magician."

Randvi laughed, a sound as sweet as honey. "Maybe we could start a magic act together."

"Make way for the pregnant lady!" Jesper announced at the top of his lungs.

Kaz wanted to beat Jesper with his cane. Since arriving back from Fjerda, there hadn't been a moment any one of them had been alone. He'd wanted to catch Randvi in the graveyard by herself, or sat alone at the table in the crypt eating dry crackers. Only every time he tried to catch her, Jakov would appear first, or Matthias would be looming about in the shadows.

"Get her in the damn boat."

*

"I want to go hoooooome," Alys cried from inside the crypt, as she had done the entire boat ride back to the Black Veil. "I want my dog."

As a matter of fact, Alys crying and wailing hadn't stopped from the moment a blindfold had been wrapped around her eyes. It was driving Kaz insane.

"Are pregnant women always like this?" Nina moaned.

Matthias glanced inside the stone hull. "Only the kidnapped ones."

"I can't hear myself think," she said.

"Maybe if we took the blindfold off?" Wylan suggested. "We could wear our Komedie Brute masks."

Kaz shook his head. "We can't risk her leading Van Eck back here."

"She's going to make herself ill," said Matthias.

"We're in the middle of a job," Kaz said. "There's a lot that has to happen before the exchange tomorrow. Someone find a way to shut her up, or I will."

"Kaz!" Randvi shouted in defence on behalf of a wailing Alys, a nervous laugh wobbling her words. "She'll calm down soon, she's just frightened."

"I didn't ask for a description."

"Kaz, promise me you won't—" Wylan began.

"Before you finish that sentence, I want you to think about what a promise from me costs and what you're willing to pay for it."

"It's not her fault her parents shoved her into a marriage with my father."

"Alys isn't here because she did something wrong. She's here because she's leverage."

"She's just a pregnant girl—"

"Getting pregnant isn't a special talent. Ask any luckless girl in the Barrel."

"Kaz!" Randvi defended again, her words lacking the humour from before.

"Inej wouldn't want—" Jakov waded in.

In the space of a breath, Kaz had shoved Jakov against the tomb wall with his forearm, the crow head of his cane wedged beneath Jakov's jaw. He was tired of the tag-along-tidemakers jibes and comments, tired of having Jakov the Moral Saint criticising every decision he made.

"Tell me my business again." Jakov remained defiant, his hands flexing, itching to use his power. "Do it," said Kaz. "And I'll cut the tongue from your head and feed it to the first stray cat I find."

"Kaz—" Jesper said cautiously.

Jakov swallowed and jittered his chin up. He could see the Grisha's hands moving into position, feel the moisture in the air around them change. Jakov could fill his lungs with water for all Kaz cared, he wasn't backing down until he remembered his place in all of this.

"That's enough," Randvi groaned, pushing the crow handle of his cane away from Jakov's jaw and swatting Jakov's hands. "I'm not here to babysit your frail egos–"

"You're not here for anything," Kaz snarled, backing away from Jakov. "Do something useful for once and use your power to tell Alys fate."

Randvi stared at him in silence, the pain his words had caused evident. "I was just stopping you two from killing each other, that's all. You're worried about Inej, I can see that, but what happened to her was your mistake not mine. Don't you dare take that out on me."

"I wouldn't have to if you actually did your job."

Matthias growled. "Brekker."

"Why don't you go and tell Pekka or Van Eck's fate if you care about getting Inej back? Stop cowering away from your power."

Taking a step towards him, Kaz saw Randvi's jaw tense. "Inej deserves better than the likes of you, we all do." She said quietly, then pushed past him with her shoulder. "You're lucky I didn't punch you azel!"

"Someone stick a cork in Alys before I get back," he snapped, and strode off into the graveyard.

He wanted to punch himself for what he'd said, to beat himself with his own cane.

Perhaps Randvi had been right. He was crooked, broken, and wrong when everyone else seemed brave, perfect and kind. But they had survived because of him, because of the cruelness and ruthlessness he'd shown. One day he hoped Randvi could see that, that she could forgive him for all the wrongs he'd committed.

When Inej is back everything will be better, he reminded himself.

He was growing weary from worry and endless plans. He was tired of the unknown. Randvi had taken Inej's place in the group, she was trying to keep the others strong and the flames of hope burning bright, but she was falling apart with each passing moment.

Even a blind man could see that.

If everything went wrong, if they couldn't get Inej back, Kaz feared they may just crumble to ruin, left forgotten like a fallen nation. It would be all his fault, and then he'd truly lose Randvi.

He'd lose her because it was so much easier to be cruel than it was to be kind.