For some reason, I found myself wondering. Wondering what? Wondering if there's an alternative universe. What if, reality does split?

Parallel universes only exist in fictional books. There is still no clear explanation if it exists in reality. Imagine, an alternative choice has made and turned out differently. That will be really cool.

Then there will be a different version of me in those other worlds. A different self, having a different life.

It is called variations.

In some instance, I wonder if there's a variation of me in a different world, would I be having a very beautiful life? Something that I could love. Something that I could be proud of because I have a loving family.

And at the end of the day, all I could do is to hope. To wonder.

I left school after the commotion happened with Shea. I bet I could no longer step inside of that school after all the things I (partly) have done. I sigh. I'm currently heading to the house with a heavy feeling. The realization has hit me with thousands of hard stones. I'm getting guilty just thinking about it.

Ugh, whatever. It has already happened. Like I can change anything.

Once reaching the house, I went inside. And something that really unexpected welcomed me.

Mother is here. She is sitting on a couch, all alone, no expression masks her. Her facial muscles are just loose. The best description of her is that she is almost a robot, like a mannequin displayed in a store.

And it is not the time that I suppose to care about her, but I should. Secretly inhaling air, I hide the discomfort behind a polite smile. "You're here," I said.

She was just staring me with emotionless eyes, and after a short silence, she speaks, "You're early to be here."

Coldness licked me in the face as her voice spreads across this place like a tide in frigid winter.

I only grinned, "You know that I have no interest in school, so."

"I knew that too well, daughter," replied mother, "You have no interest, but you always do the troublesome things. Is it fun?"

I frowned, "What do you mean?"

A smile crept on her lips, "I'm asking you the things you've done today, Lorraine."

It can't be . . . She already knows what happened in school. Then how? Perhaps . . . "You're an accomplice to Rise Yanagi?" Yanagi-sensei of my Trigonometry class.

"Right," she tells me, tilting her hear sideward to indicate an expression of taunt. "I actually hired her to look for you. And guess what, I never heard even a single good thing happened to you. Tell me, what do you really want? Causing a ruckus, for what, exactly?"

I clench my jaw, causing me to grit my teeth. "I did that out selfless retaliation. She deserves it."

"Oh, you mean immature retaliation? Mix with a little disgrace to my part," scoffs her, "A little bird told me that you used violence against someone, skipping class, and not taking your exams. You must have a valid reason, don't you? I wonder when will you ever grow up."

Such distasteful words. As I can see, this is no longer a normal conversation, but an argument. A strange sadness has gripped me. It produces sharp pain in me as if a stake has stuck on my chest.

"Can we just discuss in some other time?" Calmly, I reply to her.

Mother has that provoking smile. "Why can't we? Because you have done something disgraceful that you can't speak about it?"

Soon as I have heard her words, there is an anger inside of me awaken. It is as though she's punishing me, because her fiery anger against me.

"Why is it you always misunderstand me?" I reprimanded. Answering her back makes me all fidgety, but I have come to the point that I already don't care. "You never asked what was the reasons behind my actions. Or . . . Or how am I coping with all the things happened to me. You only cared about your name . . . your fame!"

I pause, gathering a huge amount of courage to face her. She is just staring at me, surprised but still unfazed, and seeming to expect me to spout a few more words.

Tears are building to my eyes. I have no idea where I'm getting this strength to admonish all of my frustrations to her.

"You always look at me with pitiful eyes, putting that dumb thought that I have never even done a single good thing," and I continue shortly.

This . . . Each word is said out of desperation. But the tables have turned now. 

"Then, let me tell you this," as much as possible, I want to emphasize every word that I'm about to say. "There's no single moment, even a single day that you became a mother to me." then I give off a bitter smile.

I have caught deeply in these spurs of emotion. Discouraged by the words I have said, I turn my back on her and run away. I exit the house and meet the mad pouring rain. It doesn't bother me, still making my way down the manicured stone pavement. I run away from the house, to somewhere. To somewhere I do not know. I'm running without a direction, just taking the road where the wind leads me. Each step I take, the heavy drops of rain slowly soaks my whole being. 

I have always hated the rain. I hate it because I was scared of its sounds. I'm scared of its roars; the rumbling sounds of the thunders. And when the harsh wind blows, I can hear it as if there are laughs that sounded more like screaming and crying.

But don't stop running.

The rainy wind strokes my cheek, it proves that the rain is with me. 

Get moving!

I run. I run and run and run. Run! I should run! 

I despise everything right now. As I continuously listen to the loud noise I make while taking the wet ground, I realize that I'm already crying. Stubborn hot tears are kept on falling from my eyes, mixing with the cold tears of the sky. 

I have kept my eyes open as I run, reaching the road where a gently sloping riverbank existed. 

I begin to huff so loudly. My breaths have started to hitch. I'm reaching the limit of my body. I can feel the narrowing of my airways, causing difficulty to move air out of my lungs. My chest begins to constrict and I just broke down on the road.

Since my body has gotten that really weak, I could no longer support my own weight and just descended down the river's edge.

Cold. It's too cold. I'm catching for my breaths. I can't breathe. I can't breathe properly. And all I can do is cry. It feels pathetic. I'm so pathetic, so hopeless.

My cries become louder, although I'm already suffocated. I try to kneel down, at least to help myself to breathe more air.

Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat.

I can't calm myself. My whole body is shuddering, lips are gnashing, and voice is broken.

I start to wonder what will happen to my life now? I'm a mess. I have messed my life real hard.

I don't know how much loneliness I have drunk, and now I'm drowning. I even think that happiness is mad at me. Laughable.

I'm not really expecting someone to help, but someone has just come.

"Miss? Miss?" he said, "Are you all right?"

His voice has rendered a word of concern. I sense him near me, kneeling beside. 

My head is still bowed down, holding my chest as I try to soothe myself. I can't seem to answer him, only listening to his voice.

There is something to his voice that reminds me of someone. I can't really tell, but hearing him makes me feel at ease.

"What are you feeling? I can take you to the hospital if you want?" he suggests and that terrifies me.

"N-No . . ." I reply, evidencing a shaky and weak voice. "I . . . I'm fine, I-I just n-need to rest . . ."

Funny. How could I say something such as that?

I lift my heavy head, thinking if I can repay his kind concern with a smile.

"T-Thank you," I say and try to look for his face. Then I'm unable to cohere the words I'm about to say.

I know that it has been a long time since I saw him, but never in my entire life that I forget his face.  

My tears start anew as I can't utter another word. I'm all speechless, not knowing how to react. Unconsciously, I lift both hands and try to reach for his face. With a shuddering stature and voice, I manage to whisper, "Dad . . . I-It's you . . ." 

He's motionless at first. His mouth and eyes are frozen wide open, having an expression of stunned surprise. But once recovering from the scenario, he finally states my name for the first time many years.

"Lorraine!" my father exclaims! "W-What are you—? Why are you here?!"

I want to laugh at his reaction, but the fact that I'm almost dying, I can't express better grief. With immediate response, dad starts guiding me to stand. My eyelids are weighed down and I move sluggishly.

I never have the least expectation that I would meet here—in an ugly circumstance.

Once reaching the car parks nearby, he lets me go inside, sitting on the passenger seat. He enters inside the car as well, getting a coat from the backseat, and covers my shivering, bathed self.

"Does your heart is still in pain? You don't want to go to the hospital?" he asks me again, clearing my messy face with a towel he owns.

I shake my head a few times, trying to convince him that I don't have to go to the hospital.

"About going home?" he starts driving after. I keep my head bow down, not answering him back. "No? I'm about to reach home, you want to stay for a while, then?"

I only nod. I'm fine everywhere, except for our house and hospital.

Dad keeps on driving until arriving at a certain house. The rain becomes frequent, having mild winds lingering around. He invites me inside, then I met a woman waiting for dad only.

"Oh, who's with you?" the woman questions my father.

I sight how Dad smiles at her, "I'll tell you later, okay? For now, she needs to fix herself."

The woman, I'm sure that she's Dad's new wife. It's quite shocking, but I have no right to be in pain, suspecting that Dad has a new family.

His wife gives me her best hospitality as she lends me fresh clothes and lets me use their bathroom. Good thing that the chest pains are gone. I take a warm bath and after a while, I head out. They are both in the living area. Soon, Dad excuses himself for a bit to take a shower also.

I sit on the couch and she's sitting in front of me. "So you're Lorraine?" she smiles kindly at me. "I'm Michi and I heard so much about you."

Her voice is so gentle, something calm and warm. 

I want to return that kind smile, but I'm too downcasted to do so.

"I made hot tea, please drink some of it." Then she serves me a lemon tea with honey. I politely take the cup and drink some of it.

I'm too reserved to speak nor puzzled how to react. Good thing, Michi-san is full of consideration that makes her a genuinely good person.

"Well, I'm going to cook something warm, just call me if you need anything."

I stand up along with her. With my strength, I offer her a deep-respectful bow and say, "I may not express it well, but I'm all grateful for welcoming me."

She tells me that it's all right and it's a pleasure to have me as a guest.

I am only seated on the couch, still feeling awkward. It's not my house, though, I can't move that freely.

Soon, my father returns. His name is Hyōsuke Yukizome. He grabs another cup of lemon tea and invites me to sit on the wooden floor of their patio. I oblige, and together, we both watch the rain pours out so abundantly.

Without even uttering a single word, I involuntarily rested my head on his shoulder. I can't deny the fact that I have been missing him so much. All my life, I'm longing to know what it feels like to have a father to care of me.

Ever since my parents got separated, I always feel like I'm so robbed for not experiencing the love of a father. But I can sense that he's happy with his life now. He looks so livelier, full of life. At least, I need to be happy for him.

"How long it has been, huh?" my father prompts with a grunt.

"I don't know," I answer.

Then he laughs, "Don't give me that, Lorraine. With that brains of yours, you won't forget easily."

I heave a shallow sigh and remind him, "Almost eleven years, Dad."

"Eleven years . . . Time moves really fast, don't you think, child?"

"For you, I think. Not for me."

Dad suddenly grabs my hand, studying my all well-being. "With the span of eleven years, what happened to you? It breaks my heart to see you like this, Lorraine . . . You're all skin and bones . . ."

I smile ruefully, "A lot of things, I tell you."

I have no idea how many minutes, probably hours, we spend talking about my life. From the moment I was left on my mother's care to a dreadful event why we had to return to Japan. I tell him also the things that happened soon as I started attending Karasuno. How I gained friends, at the same time, enemies that happened to be very violent. The days I spent in the hospital. As well as on how I fought back to defend my mother and myself.

Everything. I tell him everything, like a little kid, wanted to be comforted.

Even how mother and I had a heated argument and now, I got here.

"All of those years, I locked all those pains and anger inside of me," I added, feeling very emotional that I'm about to burst in tears. "Then just a while ago, I vented out all of my frustrations and told her that not even a single day, she became a good mother to me."

Dad is a lawyer, the same as Mom. His work is to listen and provide good advice. And he proves it right. He never fails to give good counseling. He's like a farmer that can plant wisdom in someone's mind that blooms beautifully.

"I get why you said that, Lorraine," he professes with a kind voice. "Yet you only have one mother in this world, you know? Apologize and make peace to her once you see her."

"But I don't want to see her," I complain.

He peals out a lowly laugh, "Don't say that. Don't let your anger control you. Knowing her, she's suffering on her own, too. You're not the only one who's hurting here, Raine."

I grumble, sitting up straight, and make a real sour face. "I should be mad at her, a'ight? Stop making me feel the guilt!"

"Glaciel is a lonely person, too," Dad says while his eyes are gazing down. "You're the only one she has right now. If you're going to leave her, then she'll be completely alone."

I sigh, "I will, but not now."

I notice his soft grin. "I understand."

"Also, Dad," I pause, "if you will allow, can I stay here for a while?"

"Of course, you're welcome in our home," answers him, "but we should let your mother know first."

With that, another sigh has drawn out from me. He quickly laughs at my reaction and just wraps a hand around my shoulders, pulls me to give me a sideward embrace. "I can talk to her if you want." then he pats my head in a comforting way.

"Are you sure?"

"I am. It's not bad to see her, for old time's sake."

Well, that's true.

I never ask some personal questions, but he tells me about his two children: an eight-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter. The son is currently in school and the little sister is fast asleep.

Then Michi-san calls her husband, asking if he can get his son from his primary school. He says yes, and now I'm left here with Michi-san.

It's is slightly unexpected, because seems like the little sister is awake and looking for her mother.

Michi-san quickly carries her on her arms, then she introduces me to her daughter. "Say hi to onee-chan, Aina."

Aina gets down from her mother's grasps and goes near me. Her cheeks are so fluffy and round. She also has sparkly eyes.

I squat down to level her height. "Onee-chan, what's your name?"

Just talking to me, I form a smile that quick. It seems like the heaviness in me is lifted out.

"You can call me 'Raine' Aina-chan," I tell her.

"Rain?" she mimicks, titling her adorable head sideways. "Like the rain outside?" and adds, pertaining to the rain.

"Yes, the rain."

Aina is left on my care and we're just playing with her toys. Aina seems smart. Her toys are not the usual ones, but they're educational. Puzzles, shapes, alphabets, even solving basic maths through toys. She's also the quiet type, very reserved. It is like she observes first before she makes a move.

"Michi-san," I call her. She's sitting on a couch, watching us playing on the matted floor. "Does Aina choose her own toys?"

"Yes," she laughs warily, "it kinda scares me actually that she might grow as a nerdy type like her brother."

"Her brother?"

She nods her head, "Though he's a little different in personality."

I purse my lips, telling her that I get what she says.

Then, it is as though Michi-san speaks a word of an angel and someone has just come in the doorsteps. From where I'm sitting, I saw a little boy heading inside with Dad.

Once he sees me, bewilderment is written on his face.

"Ah, this is your big sister Lorraine, Ukiyo," states my father. "The one I'm pertaining to you a while ago."

Ukiyo, the name of the son, walks near me with a heavy frown. "She's my nee-chan?" he suspects, "Why is she so ugly?"

What has been said and done, my face involuntarily etches a smile. A smile that depicts sarcasm. That's way too blunt and a vein animatedly pops out of my forehead.

Michi-san quickly shuts his son's mouth with her palms. "U-Ukiyo, that's not a nice way to greet your nee-san, apologize to her."

"Besides, Lorraine-chan is pretty, will be prettier if she gains some weight," Dad laughs with his own comment.

Ukiyo only wrinkles his face, "Then I don't need a pretty sister, I want a smart one instead."

I only grin sideways as a response. Ukiyo sits beside us and puts all his books on the table. I check the books and am surprised upon seeing the contexts. The topics are not for grade-schoolers. That dawns me. As Michi-san has said: nerdy type but has a different personality.

Eh  . . .

Ukiyo smirks at me, "Then, nee-chan, teach me the High School Physics."

Dad starts laughing again on the corner, "You better not underestimate your big sister, Ukiyo."

"Sure, Ukiyo-san," I gaze at Ukiyo and give him a meaningful smile, "I don't mind teaching you, this is nothing compared to the ISJO."

"ISJO?" he says confusingly.

"Oh, it seems like you haven't heard of it," I reply with a sneering tone. "It's the International Science Junior Olympiad, the peak of all Science competitions."

Ukiyo's eyes go round in amazement, "You participated in that competition?"

"Not only participated," I answer, "but also won the first place in two consecutive years."

"How about the AIME, child?" inquires my father.

"You're quite updated to my life, huh, Dad?" I chuckle, "Uh, well, I competed in the ISJO for Paris in the first two years in Junior High, but once migrating in the US, I changed course, joined the AIME, and got lucky to be one of the people to represent the USA in the Junior Mathematical Olympiad, then I started messing up my life at that time, that's why I'm here."

And that, I gain Ukiyo's respect. I never really want to talk about the past, but I can open up easily to this family. Especially, I discover that Dad has been cheering for me from afar, although he couldn't see me in person.

Truly, the wind is moving and it proves that the Earth is revolving. Maybe it is teaching me if I also keep moving, the direction of the wind will change and sweep me towards the new waves of time.

☔️

hi~ so we have come this far hahaha and i knew it that im gonna mess this up

well, this story is kinda exaggerating or nah? XD

im aware that im just fooling myself so that i can fool you too lol

but anyway, i hope you had joy while reading this adgkjsaksjhalfh and did u listen to the piece posted? it's a vvvvvv beautiful piece and i respect chopin a lot huehue

☾ handtheirend