chapter twenty-two | feelings

NEVAEH STOLLY

I am in love with Zaiah Dolivo.

As he sits with his head on my lap, eyes closed, sleeping safe and sound, an overwhelming feeling of protection, love, and admiration makes home in my chest.

And it's not a friendly feeling. I wasn't feeling the same with Tam or Carl. Of course, I wanted to protect them and I admired them, but it felt different.

It was not like a kid loving her mother. Again, I wasn't feeling the same for my mother. Yes, I love her, I would walk on fire, cross the entire world, and give up on myself and everything that means life if that means I could see her happy and loved and merry. But again, it felt different.

But with Zaiah was totally different.

I wanted to be with him every second of the day, to hold his hand and never let it go, to take care of him, to hug all his pain away, to place a sweet kiss on his forehead every night, to hold and calm him down if he ever had a nightmare. I wanted to wake up next to him every morning and him drinking his coffee, me eating my pancakes. I wanted all of him. His kindness, love, pain, affection, fear, loneliness, and everything that means Zaiah Dolivo.

I want to love him completely. With every broken piece he has, I'll pick it up and put it back and glue it back together with kind words and laughter. With every tear he drops, I'll make sure to wipe it and replace it with a smile. With every bad thought he has, I'll make sure to restore it with a good memory.

"I'm sorry for what he did to you." Daisy interrupted my realisation that I am in love with her son.

She was looking at me with kind eyes through the rearview mirror.

We were still in the car, almost at Zaiah's house. "You don't need to apologise for what he did, Miss Daisy. You shouldn't even apologise. You all have been through worse. I am fine."

"Just because we've been through worse, that doesn't make your trauma less important, sweetie. You should care about yourself more."

I know she's right. Finding out that the car accident wasn't an accident really makes me sick to my stomach. But how could I worry about myself when Zaiah is next to me? Suffering in silence and somehow I'm the only one hearing him. I do care about myself. I care very much actually. I love myself to death. But I care about Zaiah a little more. I love Zaiah a little more than death itself. For some weird reason.

And like she read my mind earlier, she starts speaking with a soft voice. "This is what Zaiah would want."

And I move my gaze toward the boy sleeping in my lap. Does he really want that?

"Are you two gossiping about me?" Zaiah speaks in a tired voice as his mother stops the car in front of their house.

"Well, sweetie, I'm sorry you have to find out this way." Daisy is trying to make a joke and Carl actually smiles at his mother's words, Zaiah is laughing and I try my best to not burst out in tears because of this image.

Zaiah gets up from my lap and rubs his hand on his eyes because of the tiredness.

I get out of the car at the same time as the others and the cold air is hitting me in the face. "Well, I should go now," I announced to them.

Zaiah turns his face toward me. "No." That's all that he said. With a calm voice that actually made me more confused.

"What?" I asked but nobody answered me. Zaiah interlocked our hands and dragged me into the house.

And to my surprise, my mother was already there, sitting on the couch, waiting anxiously while shaking her legs. "Mom?" I call her and when she notices me, she gets up and puts her arms around me.

I let Zaiah's hand go and put my arms around mom. "I'm okay, mom," I assured her.

"I know, I know… just let me hold you." my mom whispers in my ear and I nod, hugging her even more tightly. I closed my eyes and embraced the warmth of our hug.

"My beautiful girl." She says as she lets go of me and places her hands on my cheeks. "My sweet girl."

Her eyes were watery and looked at me like I was her whole world. "I love you."

"I love you, too, sweetie."

Daisy clears her throat. "I told your mother everything and I thought I would invite her to dinner to repay for the accident. I know it's nothing but I couldn't think about anything else. And a salary raise, of course."

My mother giggled before answering. "I'm glad that he will be in prison. That's more than enough, miss daisy."

"Oh, don't mind being polite. We're basically in-laws at this point." Zaiah's mother says with a wave of her hand and my eyes go to Zaiah who is already looking at me with a look in his eyes that I can't describe.

It's soft, it's delicate, and lovely. It's full of hope and dreams. It's full of things I want, and this look makes me wonder if he wants the same thing.

"Let's eat," Daisy announced to us and we all moved toward the kitchen.

The table was full of food and drinks, the smell delighted our noses.

"I hired someone to cook all of this. I would have burned half of this food and the other half would taste horrible. So, no need to be afraid. Enjoy it."

We all sat at the table. My mom and I sat next to each other and Zaiah, Carl, and his mother were sitting in front of us.

And after a few minutes of silence, Daisy's voice echoed in the room." So, how's the fake dating going?" I and Zaiah choked on our food.

"What?" Zaiah asks after he drinks the water so he can stop the excessive coughing.

I do the same.

"Well, come on sweetie. It's hard not to find out when you said your plan in the house. Flash news Zaiah; you're not so good at whispering."

I feel my mother's eyes on me. "We'll talk about this later." She says and I just nod, not knowing what to say. It's not like you can find a tutorial on it. Nobody really fake dates someone.

"Then what about your 'we're basically in-laws' joke?" Zaiah is trying to get himself and me out of this situation, turning this situation around.

"Who said I was joking?" She raised an eyebrow and looked at me. I could feel the heat in my body growing up every second. "Come on. Who spends that much with a person and doesn't catch feelings? Let's not forget about the times your eyes light up whenever I mentioned her name, or every time you argued with your father because of her, or your paper ring or-"

"You know about the paper ring?" Zaiah asks with a low voice, his cheeks red, the same colour as mine.

God, why is this so embarrassing?

"Oh, we are getting the tea," Carl said with a laugh and made himself more comfortable in his chair.

"Of course, sweetie. I always stay outside your room every time you and your father fight." her voice was soft and you could see Zaiah's love for his mother growing even more.

"Anyway, let's eat. The food is getting cold." Daisy changes the subject and smiles innocently before taking a bite of food.

I didn't even feel like eating anymore. Everything seemed weird and every time I moved I could feel my skin burning because of the awkwardness.

After this very awkward dinner, mom left with Daisy to wash the dishes and told us to go and watch a movie or something. Carl decided to go out with Tamara and Daisy kept apologising because she totally forgot to invite her here.

So now I was with Zaiah in his room, him sitting in his rolling chair and I was laying in his bed. "Tomorrow we should go and pick our outfits." He said and looked at me. "Would you believe me if I told you that I forgot about this stupid charity party?"

My throat started itching because the words wanted to come out. So bad. And the itching became unbearable. So I started speaking. "Then why did we do this if we forgot the main point of it?"

Zaiah's eyes widened for a second but quickly deleted that emotion. "I don't know, Neve. I really don't know." His whisper came out soft.

I avoid his gaze. I already regret asking him that. He probably knows what I feel for him at this moment. I feel my cheeks burning, my heart racing like crazy. My ears were ringing so hard but I could hear the words that came out of his mouth. "I don't know a lot of things, Nevaeh. Why my life turned out this way when I did nothing to deserve it, or why my father is like that, or why my favourite colour is pink, or why I love cooking, or why I have this urge to kiss you every time I see you. But I know you. And for some weird reason, I like that. Knowing you, hanging out with you, laughing with you, crying with you, hugging you. I just know you and that's all that matters to me."