WARNING: mentions of disordered eating.

—

CHAPTER THIRTY

YOU'LL BE OKAY

—

"I got an eighty three! I got a fucking eighty three, fuckers. I'm literally the smartest person I know, look at me go. I'm fucking thriving, y'all can't touch this."

North held back a laugh, as they ruffled Kaspian's hair. "Yes, yes, and we're all very proud of you."

Kaspian couldn't stop beaming. He'd always gotten nineties in AP English, and he'd always done fairly well in the rest of his classes too. But Calculus was one class that he just couldn't handle. The highest he'd gotten before this was a sixty five.

Zahra nudged Kaspian, cocking her head to the left. "Your boyfriend's arriving, you should probably tell him about this. Maybe you'll even get a kiss," she teased.

Frowning, Kaspian glanced at the Calculus test in his hand, and then back at her. "Not my boyfriend," he clarified.

"Kas!" North smacked him on the chest, as they narrowed their eyes. "You've liked him for way too long, just get on with it! Ugh. You're so frustrating. Date the poor boy."

"But I— I don't know if I'm ready to do that? Like... I want to date him and be in a relationship with him, but what if I'm a really shit boyfriend or something? Like, three days ago, my dad came home, and basically made me really fucking sad and shit, right? And I had to rely on Rowan, again. Like I always do," Kaspian vented, flinging his hands around madly as he spoke. "And like, what if I just don't know how to be in a relationship? I've never been in a serious one, and I genuinely really fucking like Rowan, so I don't wanna fuck shit up. And knowing me, I probably will."

Offering him an expressionless look, Zahra said, "Shut up."

"What?"

"I can't believe you're such a dumb fucking bitch. Rowan likes you because you're you, not inspite of that fact that you're you. Stupid," Zahra remarked.

"Who's stupid?" Rowan asked when he made his way over to the three of them.

Kaspian perked up. "Definitely not me! I got an eighty three in that Calc test you helped me study for!"

Rowan grinned, and pinched his cheeks. "That's so fucking great, oh my god. I'm so proud of you, what the fuck," Rowan congratulated, but there was a slight strain in his voice. It sounded like his excitement for Kaspian was almost forced.

"You're extremely dramatic, but thank you!" Kaspian exclaimed, rolling his eyes when Zahra gave him a suggestive smirk. "How did you do?"

Rowan muttered something unintelligible.

"I can't read lips," Kaspian deadpanned. "As much as I wish I could," he added.

"I got a hundred," Rowan said, a little louder this time.

"A hundred?"

"Holy fucking shit?" North gasped. "What? I mean, we all knew you were smart, but what the fuck, Rowan? That's so great!"

Kaspian beamed. "Smart people are so cool!" And hot. "Love that for you."

Clearing his throat, Rowan gave the three of them an awkward smile. "Anyway. Why aren't you three in class?"

Why is he acting weird? Kaspian wondered. And then, Is he even acting weird or am I reading too much into it?

"I have a spare," North piped up, bending down to tie their shoelace. Kaspian bent a little, and ruffled their hair, causing them to look up at him and give him a toothy smile.

"Had to change my pad," Zahra chimed in. "But then this fucker came in," she gestured to Kaspian, and continued, "and started bragging about his Calculus marks."

"But it's valid, he deserves to brag about it. Just this once though," Rowan said. "Why aren't you in class?" He asked Kaspian, flicking him on his nose.

Kaspian paused. "I don't know, to be honest. I was on my way to class, but I just... I really hate going early. And then I saw these fuckheads, so I came to brag about my grade for a bit. Mostly to waste time, but also because I was proud!"

"Go to class," Rowan chided, taking his phone out of his pocket. "Uh— I have to go now. To class. So I'll see you all at lunch, yeah?"

He's definitely acting weird.

Rowan didn't stick around for a response, leaving Kaspian absolutely fucking confused. He looked odd, even though he grinned at him, even though he looked upbeat. His posture was tense, everything about him was just slightly off, slightly out of focus.

"Is it just me, or is Rowan behaving a little odd?" North questioned, watching Rowan as he left.

No. It's not just you.

—

Rowan didn't show up during lunch.

That was the first red flag.

Kaspian kept scanning the cafeteria, waiting to see Rowan's head pop out from amongst the sea of people, but he couldn't find him, no matter how much he searched.

"So then I told him that he can fuck himself in the face. But nicely, of course," Zahra recounted, telling the group about something that happened in her Chemistry class.

As much as Kaspian wanted to focus on the story, he couldn't help but worry about Rowan. Where the fuck is he?

"Atreya." Kaspian nudged him. "Where's Rowan?"

Pursing his lips, Atreya looked around the cafeteria. "I don't know, Kas. I haven't seen him at all today."

That did nothing to ease the worry coursing through Kaspian's system. There were so many thoughts bouncing around in Kaspian's head, so many different theories as to what the fuck was going on. Family shit. Grades? It can't be his grades, he got a fucking hundred. Is it his eating disorder? Maybe it's—

"Kas." Stella snapped him out of his thoughts. "Stop overthinking it. You too, Atreya. I'm sure he's fine, just text him now, yeah?"

Nodding, Kaspian unlocked his phone and typed out a quick text to Rowan.

kaspain🥰 -
where are you?

Shaking his head, Kaspian hit the backspace button on that, clearing the message. You sound weird. And demanding.

kaspain🥰 -
hey you're not at lunch rn? where are you? is everything okay??

Kaspian stared at the message for a second. Just send it. He hit send before he could overthink it any more.

Giving his friends a tight smile, he joined the conversation ensuing at the table, but he couldn't stop worrying.

"I'm going to look for him," Kaspian declared, after five minutes of mindless conversation had passed. He wasn't sure what the group was even talking about, but he knew that he had to go search for Rowan.

This whole thing feels off.

After searching all the classrooms, Kaspian went to the library, which was mostly empty, save for a few students who were frantically finishing assignments or studying for tests. Then, all the way at the back of the library, he saw Rowan. Mostly Rowan's hair, but still. He was there.

Kaspian immediately went over to him, and then saw that he was asleep, with his head on the table and his mouth slightly parted, soft breaths coming out of his mouth.

"Rowan," Kaspian whispered, looking around to see if anyone could hear him.

This situation feels like déjà vu.

Placing a careful hand on Rowan's shoulder, Kaspian shook him lightly.

Rowan immediately shot up, eyes looking unfocused and glazed over. He blinked hard, rubbing his eyes as he let out a groggy, "What?"

"Hey," Kaspian said softly. "Are you okay?"

Rowan hummed, and closed his eyes tight for a second, before saying, "Yeah. Just tired."

Something's not right, Kaspian thought. This feels so, so wrong. But I don't know what's going on.

"Have you eaten yet?"

Then, something bloomed behind Rowan's eyes, not panic, but something much, much more monstrous. Something vile, unnerving. But it disappeared so quickly that Kaspian wasn't even sure if it was there in the first place.

That's when the second red flag popped up.

"Yeah. Of course I did. I'm just really tired today, that's all."

But Kaspian didn't say anything at all. He sat down quietly, hoping Rowan would stay there when he did. But he didn't. Fuck.

"I have to leave now," Rowan muttered, grabbing his bag. "I'm fine, so don't worry about it," he added, before leaving the library.

And all Kaspian could do was watch him go.

—

Kaspian was worried. As usual.

He was obsessively checking his phone, waiting for at least one reply from Rowan. He would even be okay with just one word. Anything. Just something that told Kaspian that he was okay.

kaspain🥰 -
is everything ok??

kaspain🥰 -
Rowan

kaspain🥰 -
,,, please. I just need one message from you

kaspain🥰 -
ok, that's okay. just reply to my messages as soon as you can, ok?? <3

He'd sent those messages from three o'clock to five o'clock, with half an hour intervals between each of them. Now, it was ten minutes past six in the evening. Kaspian was stressed out of his mind. He couldn't stop the worries from racing through his brain, making him so fucking anxious that he could barely think coherently.

Bounding down the stairs, Kaspian walked to his mom's room. There were some renovations happening at her workplace, so she'd been working from home for the past two days. It was a pleasant change— Kaspian always loved to spend time with her, regardless of how emotional she got, so it was nice that she was home that much.

Kaspian entered her room, where she was sitting on her bed and typing away at something on her laptop. "Hey, Mom. I need your help."

Closing her laptop, she looked at him. "Perfect timing, I was looking for a reason to ignore my next call. What is it, mijo?"

He took a breath in. "Uh... So you know I like Rowan, right?" Why did I lead with that? Stupid. "So anyway, he has—" I don't know if it's my place to tell her about his eating disorder. But she is my mom. Okay, no. "He's dealing with some stuff, and I'm really worried about him. But he told me not to worry. What do I do?"

Kaspian's mom's face softened considerably. "Come sit." She patted down on the spot next to her. "It's only natural for you to be worried, Kaspian. If you think that something could be seriously wrong, then you should tell his parents. I'd want to know if something were to happen to you."

Okay. Okay. "Can I go to his place now? Just to check on him?"

Ruffling his hair, Kaspian's mom kissed the top of his head. "Of course. Come home before nine, okay? I'll leave your dinner in the microwave."

Kaspian smiled thankfully at his mom. I appreciate her so fucking much. God, I love her.

"I love you."

Placing a soft kiss on his hair, she whispered the same to him, before patting his cheek.

Just as Kaspian was about to leave, his mom called out from her room, "Please don't do anything nasty, Kaspian!"

Cheeks flaming, Kaspian closed the door with a bang.

—

Rowan looked like a mess.

There were red flags popping up everywhere now— His normally bright grey eyes were red rimmed, hazy, and he sounded almost lifeless when he said, "Kaspian? What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I— uh, I just wanted to check up on you."

Rowan looked confused, almost irritated. Kaspian had never seen him look irritated before. It stung like a fucking bitch.

"Why?"

You know that he's struggling right now. Don't say the wrong thing. Don't be stupid. "You weren't acting like yourself in school."

Groaning, Rowan leaned against his doorframe. He looked so, so tired, and Kaspian just wanted to give him a giant hug. Squeeze all the pain, the hurt, the sadness, everything out of him.

"Can you just fucking leave?" Rowan snapped all of a sudden. "Please. Leave. I don't need you here right now."

There was a giant rod that got slammed into Kaspian's chest when he heard those words. But he ignored the blood, the damage, and just pushed it further in until it embedded itself in his skin completely.

"I'm not leaving, Rowan," Kaspian asserted, walking into Rowan's house and closing the door.

Rowan seemed incredibly annoyed at that, but he just pushed himself off the frame of the door and followed Kaspian all the way to his room.

"What can I do for you?" Kaspian asked gently, watching as Rowan stood next to the couch, leaning heavily on the wall.

"I don't know what the fuck you want me to say, because I'm just fucking fine. You can fuck off."

Kaspian didn't let that get to him. He's hurting. He's hurting. He's hurting so much. Don't let it get to you. "Where are your parents?"

Rowan blinked. "It's their wedding anniversary or some shit. They're spending the whole week at some cabin, I don't fucking know."

Fuck. That fucks up the plan.

"Are you okay?" Kaspian tried to ask, mentally preparing himself for either no reply, or a snappy one.

He got the latter, when Rowan said, "What the fuck is your problem? Fuck off."

Irritability is a common sign of an eating disorder. Of a potential relapse. What do I say? What the fuck do I do?

Kaspian inhaled deeply. Ask him. Just ask him. "Have you eaten today?"

And then, he exploded. "Jesus fucking Christ, Kaspian, just leave me alone! I don't need your fucking help, I don't need any of this shit. I cannot make it any more fucking clear to you, I'm fucking fine, and I just want to be left alone! Please."

Rowan's voice cracked on the last word, and he stopped talking, running his hands through his hair, as his chest heaved.

"I'm not doing that, Rowan. I'm not going to—" Kaspian stopped when Rowan closed his eyes for a second too long, and dipped his head low. "Hey, hey. Sit down."

"Fuck off," he seethed, but he sat down anyway, shutting his eyes and covering his face with his arm.

What the fuck can I do to help?

"Hey. Would you be okay to stay the night at my place?" Kaspian questioned, knees accidentally bumping against Rowan's own knees. Rowan moved them, angling them away from Kaspian.

Rowan shook his head. "Leave. That's all I want."

"Can't do that," Kaspian stated, grabbing some of Rowan's clothes from his closet. "Okay, I don't think you need more than this, right?" He held up the clothes he had in his hand, and said, "Do you have a bag?"

Defeat was painted on Rowan's face, and he just weakly gestured towards a bag in the corner of his room.

"I don't know what's happening,"  Rowan whispered, probably to himself, but Kaspian still heard him. "I dont know what the fuck is happening."

Kaspian's whole chest ached for Rowan. No one deserves to go through this. No one.

"Come on," Kaspian said, slinging Rowan's bag over one shoulder. He'd only packed some of his clothes, his toothbrush, phone and charger. If he needs anything else, I'll just come back later.

Rowan stood up and immediately stumbled, blindly gripping Kaspian's arm as he blinked hard. Kaspian was instantly at Rowan's side, moving closer and supporting him with his own body.

He placed his hand on the small of Rowan's back. "Do you need to sit down?"

"I'm going to pass out," Rowan mumbled softly, head drooping into Kaspian's neck. "My head hurts."

Oh my god. Kaspian nearly cried at how much his whole being ached for Rowan, at how much he just wanted Rowan to be okay.

"We'll go to my place, okay? And then you can sleep. Promise."

Nodding, Rowan walked with Kaspian to his car. Kaspian placed Rowan's bag in the backseat, and put the seatbelt on for him. He rummaged through his glove compartment until he found what he was looking for— a granola bar.

"Would you be okay to eat something?" Kaspian asked, making sure to talk softly. He didn't want to aggravate Rowan's headache.

Rowan immediately shook his head. "I can't," he muttered. "I'll throw up."

Kaspian nodded in understanding. He'd read that it was common for people with eating disorders to feel nauseous around food. He'd also read that people tended to feel guilty around food. "Okay. That's okay. Do you think you could maybe eat half of it?"

"The floor of your car is going to be covered in my fucking vomit if I do."

Eyes burning, Kaspian blinked rapidly in order to get rid of the stinging. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Rowan looked like he was contemplating it for a minute. "I haven't eaten proper food in over thirty six hours," he finally stated blandly. "I don't know if I can. Or if I even want to."

There was a sharp pang that was felt in Kaspian's heart. "If you can't, it's perfectly okay. But... You need to eat something, Rowan."

I sound pathetic. I don't think I'm doing this right.

Rowan took the granola bar from Kaspian, and he took four small bites of it, before saying, "I can't. Kaspian, I can't. I'm going to throw up if I eat any more."

Kaspian just leaned over and placed a tentative hand on top of Rowan's. "That's okay. It's okay. I'm proud of you."

"Fuck off."

Heart clenching, Kaspian just nodded, and drove.

—

When they reached Kaspian's house, his mom was watching some stupid drama show on Netflix, but once she saw Kaspian, with Rowan on one side, bag on another, she paused it.

She took one look at Rowan, and then looked at Kaspian, who shook his head, hoping his eyes would convey the message of 'Rowan is struggling right now, and he can't be alone, and I need to be with him, and it's not a good time to ask any questions'.

Somehow, his mom understood, and she just nodded at Kaspian, before clicking play on her show.

"You can go to sleep. We'll talk to your parents tomorrow, okay? For now, you can rest," Kaspian said to Rowan once the two of them went into his room.

Rowan chewed on his bottom lip, and then spoke. "Where will you sleep?"

"I have a mattress. It's all good."

Scoffing, Rowan got into Kaspian's bed, pulling the blanket on himself and closing his eyes. "Just get in."

Kaspian didn't have to be told twice, so he got into bed, still fully dressed much like Rowan, and he turned off the light. He looked over at Rowan, who looked to be asleep. Already? Damn.

Placing a soft kiss on his forehead, Kaspian shut his eyes, trying not to let thoughts of Rowan cloud his mind.

I'm so scared. I'm so, so scared for him. I don't know what the fuck to do.

"You'll be okay," Kaspian murmured to a sleeping Rowan, but he wasn't sure who he was trying to convince.

—

+3149

AN: it's 3am rn and this chapter is,,, personal as heckkkk🙈

but, if anyone is going thru sumn similar to what rowan has gone thru, feel free to dm me. no one deserves to suffer alone :3

um anyway😳 thank u all for reading!💕 i hope u all have/had a good day today <33