warning: this chapter is on the heavy side (grief, talk of death), so proceed with caution! if you skimmed it and need a recap of the chapter, just lmk and i'll give you a recap :) please don't put your mental health at risk to read this chapter<3

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CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

SUPPORT SYSTEM

—

The sky was overcast with grey clouds, threatening rain, and the air completely still, not even an ounce of movement to be seen. The bleak weather just added to Kaspian's sour mood, causing it to dampen even more, leaving him lethargic and listless.

He was completely zoned out all through track practice, and he could barely process anything Atreya was saying to him.

"Kas? You still here?" Atreya asked him, nudging him softly with his own shoulder.

Kaspian nodded absent-mindedly, his head aching because of the number of thoughts swirling in his brain. He just wanted to sleep. And preferably wake up after the entire month had gone by.

A sudden jab in his side brought him back to reality. "Coach has blown his whistle three times already." Atreya stopped, and then looked at Kaspian. "Are you sick? I can take you home if you are."

Snap out of it, Kaspian thought to himself. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just feel a little weird today."

That much was true. Kaspian had woken up to a nightmare, one that had left him extremely shaken up, almost to the point where he considered skipping school, and there was an odd, almost painful feeling in his entire upper body, one which wouldn't go away. He felt like he was suffocating, his chest so unbelievably tight and constricted, that at first, he genuinely thought his heart was failing or something.

Once practice ended, Kaspian made his way to class— twenty minutes late. Why do I even bother going to class at this point?

Kaspian found himself barely paying attention in class, no matter how much he tried. He ended up falling asleep on the palm of his own hand, only to be woken up by the sound of the bell.

He contemplated just saying 'fuck it' and going home, but he didn't really want to skip anymore classes, not with the way all his grades were dropping.

"Hey, Kaspian," his AP English teacher, Ms. Flores, suddenly called out, beckoning him to her desk. "Lemme talk to you real quick for a second."

No, no, no. Kaspian loved her, easily more than any other teacher who taught at the school (apart from Coach Adamson, he was a fucking icon according to Kaspian), but he didn't know if he could deal with a conversation about the fact that he was close to failing his best class.

She sighed, and waited for the other students to leave. "Now, I know that you hate receiving any kind of special treatment, I know. But I've noticed that you're failing this class, Kaspian."

He knew that he was, but it still felt like a blow straight to his stomach when he heard it come from someone else's mouth.

"This used to be your best class, dear. I know that you're struggling, grief doesn't have a time limit. I know that this month and this day must be especially hard for you, so I wanted to offer some extra help with any of the topics that you don't understand, okay? It's okay to ask for help." She gave him a kind smile, one that left Kaspian feeling even more guilty for failing her class.

Open up to her. Tell her you're not okay. She won't fucking judge you. Kaspian neither processed anything his mind was telling him, nor did he process anything she said. He replied with, "I— I'm okay, Ms. Flores. Really. If I do need any help, I'll let you know though."

She smiled warmly at him. "Okay, dear. I won't keep you here any longer. Can't have you being late for your next class too. You can leave now."

Kaspian numbly walked out of the class, making a beeline to the bathroom instead of class. Taking out his phone, he texted Rowan, because he knew he had a spare at that time.

He didn't know if it was strange that he'd just about memorized Rowan's entire class schedule. It probably was.

kaspain -
:// convince me to go to class

He knew Rowan would be on his phone, as he always was during his spares. So he didn't have to wait long to receive a reply.

ro1🤡 -
https sounding ass💀

ro1🤡 -
i mean👁️👅👁️ i have a spare rn so u could always just,,, hang w me

ro1🤡 -
jk lmaoo go to class or get fuckin REKT bitch

Typically, Kaspian would crack a joke, his heart would jump at the sight of a message from Rowan, or he would at least smile. But he felt absolutely nothing, and he hated it so much. And what he hated the most about it, was that he didn't even know why he woke up feeling like utter fucking shit.

kaspain -
okay ):

Pocketing his phone, Kaspian sluggishly walked to his next class, the hallways void of people, because of his inability to be early to class.

As Kaspian entered, it felt as if the entire class was staring right at him. Making his way over to his seat, he set his backpack down with a thump, laying his head on the table, as he closed his eyes, the drone of his teacher's voice sounding like a lullaby in his ear as he fell asleep.

—

Lunch made Kaspian regret not staying at home.

The group was talking softly, and laughing about something at their table, Atreya excluded. Apparently he had some tutoring shit to do, so he wasn't eating lunch with them today.

Once Kaspian reached the table, the chatter was brought to a complete standstill. Wait, what the fuck is going on?

"Hey," Kaspian stated, moving into his usual seat next to Rowan and North.

Zahra stared at him for a moment, before she replied, "Hey."

Probably deciding to break the awkward fucking silence that was ensuing, Phoenix opened his mouth to speak, but North ended up cutting him off.

"Hey Kas. Didn't expect you to be in school today. How are you holding up?"

What? "Good, I guess?"

Stella stared at Kaspian in utter confusion. Finally, she said, "Kas, it's the twelfth of February."

It was dramatic, like a stupid fucking movie, as everything started to move in slow motion around Kaspian. It's the twelfth of February. And then, all at once, everything blinked back to focus, back to normal, except that Kaspian was sure he was going to end up embarrassing the fuck out of himself if he sat there any longer.

Shakily getting up, Kaspian didn't bother to say anything to his friends, before he bolted towards the bathrooms, which were thankfully empty.

It's the twelfth. I forgot. I forgot. How the fuck did I forget?

Leaning against the vandalised walls of the bathroom, Kaspian's clenched his jaw as his body began to tremble lightly. He rubbed his own chest with shaky hands, as if that would help ease the knots, as he tried to calm himself down, tried to prevent himself from spiralling into a whole fucking panic attack.

He used to get them a lot more frequently before, especially in the first month after his sister died, so he knew how to control them and calm himself down before he could completely panic. That still didn't stop him from making an absolute fucking fool of himself.

Why didn't anyone tell me? Kaspian thought, and then he recalled Ms. Flores' words. I know this month and this day must be especially hard for you.

Kaspian winced. Well, fuck.

The bathroom door swung open, and Rowan walked in, gaze softening when his eyes landed on Kaspian, whose own eyes were panicked. I probably look so fucking stupid right now.

Rowan's voice was soft when he said, "I'm going to touch you, is that okay?"

"I'm okay," Kaspian stated, before his stomach cramped painfully. "You need to leave, because I'm probably gonna have to take a shit or something now."

No one ever talked about the not-so-pretty symptoms of anxiety. The muscle cramps. The numbness in limbs. The need to take a fucking shit every time he was anxious.

God, I hate anxiety, Kaspian thought, and then, My chest hurts so much. Fuck. Is this normal?

Cracking a small smile at that, Rowan moved closer to Kaspian. "It's just anxiety shits, you're good. Give me your hands, and focus on my voice. Okay?"

Kaspian didn't know why he did it, but he listened to Rowan, and actually held out his hands for Rowan to take.

Rowan grabbed them, still blabbering about some stupid fucking shit, as he led Kaspian to the sinks in the bathroom. He opened the tap, and quickly shoved Kaspian's hands under the sink, freezing cold water running over them.

The initial shock of the cold water was enough to make Kaspian's mind go blank for a second, and he could already feel the panic gradually leave his body. However, that just made room for the overthinking that ensued.

"I forgot," Kaspian stated, not even noticing that he was retreating back slowly, until his back touched the wall. "I forgot she died today."

Rowan shut the tap off, and said, "Look at me."

Kaspian couldn't bear to make eye contact with him, pure guilt eating at his system.

"Hey." Rowan reached out, hands still wet, as he held Kaspian's face in his hands, forcing him to look up. "Look at me. Yeah, you forgot. You had a lot going on. You still do. It's okay."

It's not.

He could feel the panic make his way into his system again, but Rowan seemed to notice, so he took Kaspian's hands in his own and held them tight. "It's okay. Do you want to skip today? I can take you home."

Oh my god. Mom. She must be so fucking broken up about today. I fucking forgot.

Kaspian tried to formulate his thoughts into words, but all he could get out was, "Fuck."

"North's waiting outside the bathroom. Do you want to talk to them?"

Something inside of Kaspian ignited, a fire that began to spread through his chest, leaving him to choke on the smoke that engulfed him. "Don't patronize me."

Rowan's mouth parted a little, surprise flashing in his eyes, and then he quickly composed himself. Kaspian couldn't tell what he was thinking. "I'm not patronizing you."

Words were flowing out of Kaspian's mouth before he could stop them. "Fuck off. This is such fucking bullshit anyway. People always say that there's a person who enters your life and fixes you, which is complete fucking trash. And even if that were true, I'm literally so fucking fucked up. Like, it sounds so unnecessarily edgy, but it's true. Who the fuck forgets their fucking sister's death day? What kind of fucking decent person just forgets? Who the fuck forgets about their dead fucking sister, Rowan?"

Kaspian's eyes burned. All he wanted to do was sit down and cry. But the tears were refusing to fall from his eyes, so Kaspian just wordlessly stared at the ground.

"It's okay to cry."

"I can't fucking cry," Kaspian seethed. Why am I so pissed off?

"That's okay too."

Kaspian laughed bitterly. "It's like... Usually, I can't stop thinking about the fact that K— that my sister's dead, but now that it's the day of her death, I fucking forget. How fucked up is that?"

Don't dump all your problems on Rowan. He doesn't deserve this. Get some fucking help instead.

Rowan didn't say anything, and Kaspian thought that he just wasn't going to, when he finally said, "You can't say her name."

Not knowing how to respond to that, Kaspian just shrugged.

"Are you okay to go to class?" Rowan asked, voice still as soft as ever. Kaspian hated it and loved it at the same time.

"Yeah." His voice came out raspy, and he had to clear his throat to make himself sound more human. "Yeah."

Rowan nodded slowly. "Okay. North's probably still waiting outside the bathroom. So, beware for a shit ton of hugs or something from them."

Kaspian cracked a small smile at that. It was scary, how easily Rowan could make him smile.

As soon as Kaspian stepped out of the bathroom, North went over to him, eyes filled with pity as they said, "I'm sorry we brought it up."

Kaspian shook his head at them. "Don't worry about it. I'm glad you did." No, I'm not. "I'd rather remember after someone reminds me, than just end up forgetting completely," he said, even though he knew North could see right through him. They always could.

"You know you have a support system. We're all here, Kas."

"Yeah. I know."

North gave him a kind smile, before kissing Kaspian softly on his forehead. "Okay. You're already late to class, so go quick. You're okay?"

"Yeah, it's all good," Kaspian stated, giving them a thumbs up, and shooting Rowan a small, appreciative look, before heading in the other direction. Hollowness made its way into Kaspian's chest once again, and he sighed softly.

God, I can't fucking do this anymore.

—

Kaspian didn't go to class.

He tried, he really did, but he just couldn't bring himself to sit through another class, and listen to his teachers drone on about shit he didn't care about, and pretend he was okay.

He was so fucking tired of pretending.

So, he ended up locking himself in one of the bathroom stalls, trying to quell the rising panic that was making his head ache a bit too much for him to operate normally.

"Oh my god," Kaspian muttered to himself, massaging his own temples. "Fuck."

I can't sit in silence anymore. I can't do it.

Suddenly, on a whim, Kaspian pulled out his phone, shaky hands scrolling through his contacts until he landed on one. Should I..? Fuck it. He held his phone up to his ear, the ringing sound making him want to yank his hair out.

Finally, the ringing stopped.

"Kaspian? Aren't you supposed to be in school, dear?"

Clearing his throat, Kaspian blinked hard, as if that would stop his head from pounding. "Hey, Mrs. Sinclair. Uh— yeah. I'm in school right now, actually." This was such a bad idea. "I'm not—" Kaspian's breath hitched, and he had to pause for a second. I don't know how to admit this. "I'm not entirely okay right now, and I just— I can't handle this. I can't fucking handle this anymore, I'm losing my mind. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I should end the call. Sorry."

There was complete silence for a moment, before Mrs. Sinclair said, "Okay, sweetheart. I hope I'm audible to you, I got a new phone, and it's confusing me a bit. Do you want advice or do you want to be distracted?"

"Distracted. Please."

So, North's mom began to tell him a story about some stupid shit that North did when they were younger, and Kaspian just closed his eyes and listened.

He could see where North got their— well, their everything from.

She talked until the pounding in Kaspian's head reduced to a dull throb, until he felt like he could actually breathe, until he wasn't thinking about the current situation at hand.

And after Kaspian cut the call, all he could think about was how he'd dodged a bullet.

A massive fucking bullet.

—

+2551

AN: hi so the next few chapters are gonna be a lil heavy like ofc nothing that could be triggering is mentioned or anything, but just a lil warning here :)

i hope y'all are all doing well <3 it's hard to stay at home, especially if your family isn't a good one, so i hope everyone's keeping safe!

thank you for reading :)💖