CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

FEBRUARY

—

February used to be Kaspian's favourite month.

Now, it was his least favourite month— filled with pure darkness, leaving Kaspian numb, frozen. He felt like a foreigner in his own body, going through his daily motions without any semblance of emotions or feelings.

"Yeah, so my mom was being all racist and shit, as usual, which I honestly don't get. How can you be an Indian living in the United States, and then continue to be racist?"

Shaking her head, Zahra sighed, replying to Atreya's statement. "I don't even fucking get it anymore. Like, people are so fucking close-minded about everything. When I first told my parents that I wanted to convert from Islam to Christianity, they threatened to fucking kick me out of the house and shit. Bad times. And like... I respect— and love— their religion, so I don't know why they couldn't respect mine! But I'm really glad they've opened themselves up more though, they're trying."

Stella pouted. "Some people can be so fucking stupid sometimes, it's genuinely ridiculous."

"Honestly!" Atreya exclaimed. "And the worst part is, my mom thinks she's right, so she doesn't bother to listen to anyone else's opinions. She tries to force her mindset down my throat, and it's so fucking frustrating. She nearly fucking slapped me the other day just because I corrected her when she said something homophobic."

Kaspian felt himself snap back into the conversation. "She slapped you?"

"No, she nearly did," Atreya corrected, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Rowan's eyes narrowed. "That's still not okay, what the fuck?"

Atreya laughed sourly. "Yeah, I know. But slapping your children, or abusing them in general is really normalised in Indian culture. Every culture, to be honest, but my mom's super orthodox, so nothing progressive is accepted, and if you're progressive, you're automatically trashed on. So, it's not really seen as abuse, it's just seen as discipline when they slap you and shit. Does that make sense? Like, they threaten to beat their kids up or whatever, and then they laugh it off, and say it's a joke."

North sniffed, causing the group to immediately look in their direction. "Sorry, sorry! It's just— it makes me sad that some of y'all have such fucking shitty parents, and you can't do anything about it now, because we're still in school and shit. I'm officially your parent."

Cooing softly, Stella leaned over and pinched North's cheeks.

Kaspian redirected his focus back to his lunch, the hollowness in his chest making him feel too nauseous to even think about eating.

I was fine just two days ago. How can one shitty thing that happened in this month make my mood take a whole fucking dip?

"Hey." Rowan placed a hand on Kaspian's knee, causing him to jerk away involuntarily, his touch burning into his skin. "Sorry, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

It's February. She died in February. My brain is working at a pace that's too fast for me to keep up. I can't handle this.

"I'm good," Kaspian stated convincingly, giving Rowan a forced smile. "Just thinking about a test I have today."

Rowan nodded, convinced by Kaspian's answer. "What test?"

"Uh, it's just—" Kaspian was cut off, thankful for the person who called him. He didn't want to answer his question, because he definitely didn't want to keep lying to Rowan. He wouldn't remember his lies if asked about it later.

Blinking confusedly, Stella glanced at Kaspian's phone. "You don't silence your phone at school?"

"Right?" Rowan said. "Mine is always on vibrate though. Never completely silent."

Kaspian reached into his pocket, taking out his phone. "I don't need to. No one ever calls me when I'm in school."

Walking out of the cafeteria, Kaspian picked up the call before it could stop ringing, pressing his phone to his ear.

"Hello?"

The voice was familiar, and Kaspian's heart immediately sped up. He didn't reply, thoughts racing as he tried to figure out where he'd heard the voice before.

"Kaspian, this is Ara speaking."

Typically, Kaspian would be panicking, or maybe even hanging up, not willing to listen to a word she had to say. But he was so numb that he couldn't find it in himself to care.

"Hey Ara," he greeted, as he leaned against a locker, staring at his shoes.

She didn't speak for a moment, and Kaspian knew she was confused as to why he was actually holding a conversation with her, and not ending the call.

"I just called to tell you that I'm moving dorms, and you need to come down here and collect Karina's things." She sounded cold, robotic. Kaspian couldn't blame her, he was the one who had cut the call on her last time.

"Yeah, sure. When do you want me to come by?"

"Whenever you want."

The drive to Karina's college wasn't a long one, so Kaspian decided to meet Ara tomorrow, before saying his goodbyes and hanging up.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Going back to the cafeteria, Kaspian took his seat in between Rowan and North, and stared at his phone in silence.

"Everything good?" Rowan questioned, talking under his breath so that no one else would hear the two of them.

Kaspian just nodded.

I shouldn't go. That's the sensible thing to do. It's better for my mental health if I just don't go.

"Are any of you free tomorrow? After school?" Kaspian suddenly asked. He knew that it wasn't a good idea, he knew that he'd probably end up feeling more numb, but he didn't particularly care anymore.

Atreya furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?"

Kaspian looked down at his phone, and then back at his friends. "I need to go to my sister's college. I have to collect some of her shit." And I don't think I can handle going alone.

It was as if the whole world just went completely fucking silent after Kaspian spoke.

Kaspian desperately needed to fill the silence that was suffocating him, leaving him unable to function. "I can go alone if none of y'all are free though."

Phoenix spoke immediately. "I'll come with you, it's no big deal."

"Are you sure?"

Phoenix nodded, and then everyone at their table went back to normal. Except Kaspian.

Fuck. I'm going to lose my fucking mind by the time this month ends.

—

"Want any music?" Kaspian asked Phoenix as he drove to his sister's college.

Phoenix shook his head, and then said, "You know you don't have to do this, right? Don't put yourself through this."

Emptiness filled Kaspian's chest, and he gave Phoenix a tight-lipped smile. "I know. I'm okay, I promise."

Phoenix didn't look the slightest bit convinced, but he nodded anyway, and directed his attention to his phone. Kaspian couldn't handle the overwhelming silence in the car, so he turned on the radio, which was playing some terrible screamo song.

"Stella loves this song," Phoenix commented over the music. "I can't fucking stand it though."

Kaspian glanced at him. "How do you even recognise the song? It's just screaming."

"Stella makes Zahra and me listen to it all the time. It's terrible." Phoenix shook his head, smiling slightly.

"Oh. Do you want me to change the station?"

Phoenix smiled. "No, keep playing it."

Once they reached the college, Kaspian found Ara, who was standing near the entrance of her college, waiting for Kaspian patiently. She looked the same as always.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Kaspian made his way over to her. Phoenix suddenly stopped him, and said, "We can still leave. If you're not comfortable, that is."

Let's leave. Please. I can't do this.

"It's all good, we'll be done soon," Kaspian stated, and greeted Ara with a small smile.

"Kaspian! So nice to see you. I'm sorry this is so sudden, but I have to move out of my dorm next week, so I thought it would be better if you just came now. Better sooner than later, yeah?" Her voice was light, airy. She spoke the same way Karina did- they were best friends, she was bound to pick up some of Karina's mannerisms.

Ara smiled at Phoenix behind him, and continued, "I haven't lugged her things downstairs yet, there's quite a bit to carry, so you can just follow me to our dorm."

Just as Kaspian was about to go after her, Phoenix placed a hand on his shoulder, and he pulled away abruptly. Everyone needs to stop touching me.

"You seem oddly calm about all this. What's going on?"

Kaspian shook his head. He wanted to tell him that he felt like he was in a permanent state of numbness. That it felt like he was living in a fucking fog. But he couldn't. So he just said, "Nothing. Just ready to get this done with."

As they went into Ara's dorm, Kaspian was instantly hit by all the fucking memories of the first time he was in here, when his sister was just moving in.

"How come you're shifting your dorm?" Phoenix asked Ara, probably as to make small talk.

She glanced over at Kaspian, and then said, "Two people in a dorm at all times."

Oh.

Kaspian walked towards the numerous cardboard boxes lying on the ground. The first thing that caught his eye was the jewellery.

His sister had started making her own jewellery as soon as she was in her last year of high school, because she wanted to make money. It went considerably well, something that Kaspian was always shocked by. But, she was good at what she did, and she did it for a cheap price, so it shouldn't have been that surprising to him either.

As he picked up the first box, something fell out. Bending down to pick it up, Kaspian saw what it was.

A necklace. With a four leaf clover.

Kaspian never understood his sister's obsession with them— she even went so far as to ask him to get a tattoo of it, because she was scared to go alone. So he ended up getting the same tattoo as hers, but in a more covered place, because he didn't want his mom finding out they'd gotten tattoos.

It was their secret, and she took it to the fucking grave.

"Kaspian, I just wanted to let you know that the college is having a memorial service on- you know. I know that you won't want to come, but I just thought that you should know." Ara sounded hopeful, but Kaspian didn't exactly know how to respond to that.

"A memorial service on the day she died?"

Ara took in a sharp breath, her face falling. "Kaspian, we're all trying to heal. It's not easy for me either. I lost her too. Understand that, please."

I can't fucking handle this.

Kaspian laughed incredulously. "Heal? She was my sister. I can't fucking heal."

He didn't know what the fuck was happening anymore, he barely had any control over the words coming out of his mouth. Everything felt like a giant fucking nightmare to him.

"She was my best friend."

"She was my fucking sister!" Kaspian practically yelled, and then continued, his words on fire. "She told you that she felt the way she did, months before she actually did it, and you didn't tell me! Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"

Picking up another box and handing it to Phoenix, Ara didn't say anything at all.

"Please just fucking say something," Kaspian said hoarsely, still holding the jewelry box. He felt like crying, the lump in his throat becoming next to impossible to swallow down.

"I'm sorry. But I couldn't tell you, Kaspian."

Kaspian wanted to blame Ara, wanted to yell at her for not saying anything. But he understood why she didn't tell him, Karina had probably forced her not to say anything. She'd probably told Ara that she was just fucking fine.

Guess we have that in common. Had.

While they were talking, Phoenix had taken the rest of the boxes to the car, so Kaspian just nodded at Ara, and walked out, cardboard box in hand. He felt like he was learning to walk all over again, legs numb and tingling. I'm going to have a panic attack.

Once he placed it in the backseat, where Phoenix had kept all the other boxes, Kaspian stared at the car, which looked hazy and distorted to him, and then at Phoenix.

"Can you drive?" Kaspian asked Phoenix, shoving the keys into his hands, not bothering to wait for a response as he got into the passenger's seat.

I'm literally going to have a fucking panic attack if I don't control this.

Kaspian shoved his hands into his hair, and leaned over, head touching his knees.

"Get out of the car," Phoenix suddenly said, unbuckling his seatbelt, even though he'd just gotten into the car.

"What?"

"Get out of the car for a minute, Jesus."

When Kaspian didn't move, Phoenix opened his own door, and then went around and opened Kaspian's door, yanking him out of the car, causing Kaspian to yelp in surprise.

Glaring at him, Kaspian opened his mouth to speak. "What the fuck are—"

He was cut off by Phoenix wrapping his arms around Kaspian's body, hugging him tight.

Kaspian just stood there at first, but soon melted into the hug, throwing his arms around Phoenix's neck and closing his eyes. He hadn't even realised how long it had been since he'd hugged anyone just for the sake of hugging them. He missed it. A lot.

"I'm okay," he mumbled, closing his eyes.

"It's okay if you're not."

Kaspian inhaled sharply. It's okay if you're not.

—

+2285

AN:

as always, thank you all for reading :') i hope you're all staying safe and doing well!💞