AJanae's POV:

My past is literally colliding with my present in the form of 'Mark Brennon' right before my very eyes.

"And hello to you too AJie. Wow! You look great. It's been too long."

"No, no it really hasn't. In fact it hasn't been long enough." I reply, not giving much attention or thought to him pitching up on my front door step, let alone how he found me in the first place. I grab hold of Dean's hand and begin to drag him toward the car, "C'mon Dean. We don't have time for this!" I hiss when he refuses to move, stubborn in his ways, as he glares at Mark sensing that I couldn't stand him and now apparently he can't stand him either without even knowing him. "Dean!"

"Fine. I am coming." he says in a low tone, still giving Mark the stink eye. I pull Dean along as we reach the car. I have to accelerate all the way there, hence me taking over the driver's position and fortunately Dean doesn't seem to mind that I will be driving in his new car.

I climb into the driver's seat, waiting for Dean to join me when I hear, "I call shotgun!" It's not Dean's voice. I am met by Mark at the passenger's side instead of Dean. I sigh aloud but choose not to say anything because that will only encourage Mark further. I have to make out if he is not here and ignore his presence entirely.

Dean restrains himself from knocking Mark out and enters the backseat of his own car, highly strung. He slams the back door of the car shut, making his dislike for Mark pretty obvious, not that I had a problem with it. "I will shotgun your face." he mutters beneath his breath though Mark and I both hear him.

"So this is the guy you choose to replace me with?" Mark gestures to a grumbling Dean at the back seat. "He's your new boy toy now?" he asks, rude as ever to ask such a question as that in the first place. He lost that right a long time ago.

I ignore him and set my foot down on the accelerator as we pull off causing Mark to almost fly out of the window. He can be thankful that he hadn't because if he landed in the road I would just ram him over to make sure that he is dead.

I replay the thought in my head and wince at the violence and brutality of it. This person isn't me. Mark just so happened to bring out the worst in me. He brought out the dark side of me, the side that I kept hidden in fear of someone seeing it.

Dean seems to click at who this person is with what Mark had just revealed. He fumes in anger, "Hey d*ckhead, don't talk to her like that!" He must remember the story that I shared with him of my past with Mark and how he cheated on me.

"He's not worth the waste of breath Dean." I tell him in hopes of calming him down because if he were to attack Mark now whilst I am driving at such a tremendous speed then it is more than likely that I will lose focus on the road and we will all ultimately die in a car crash. 

I'd personally deal with Mark at a later stage when he seemed more relevant.

"Ouch." Mark retorts as if hurt, though I know better.

"What are you even doing here?" I mutter, going against the plan to ignore him because the question had been eating away at me as soon as I laid my eyes upon him.

"I could ask you the exact same question AJie." he replies in a calm demeanour as per usual. Nothing seemed to rile him up though he riled me up with just the sound of his annoying voice.

"Don't call me that!" I snap, the sound of my previous nickname rolling off his lips affected me and hurt me more than he would ever know.

We fall into a silence at my outburst and I wish I could take it back because now I let him know just how much he hurt me. When he's around I just lose myself completely. I lose my temper and act irrational because it's Mark and my mind is quick to associate Mark with pain. I can't be around him because I don't like the person I become when I'm with him.

"So seven months now is it? Been seven long torturous months since we stopped talking to one another." Mark breaks the silence with words that create an even tenser atmosphere than it is already.

I notice in the rear-view mirror that Dean is clutching his fists with a frown on his face if holding himself back from killing Mark. "Seven months too short." I snap yet again on impulse. "And who's counting." I add.

Mark's eyes widen in surprise, "When did you get so aggressive?"

"She's not." Dean is quick to defend me. I shoot him a grateful smile. He is a good friend. "She just doesn't like assholes."

Mark is quick to brush Dean off as if he isn't even in the car. "So where we going in any case AJie?"

I swerve past cars in the road as I rush past toward the airport in the hopes of stopping Fourie before it was too late. He couldn't just leave us all alone, he couldn't just leave me all alone. "Don't call me that for the billionth time and we're stopping Fourie from making a mistake."

"So who is this Fourie guy? Your boyfriend or something?" he asks, not too cautious of intruding on business that doesn't belong to him.

"No. He’s my friend. I care about him and I don't want him to leave town with the way I left things between us." I tell Mark, not exactly in my right mind as I explain it all too Mark even though it's really none of his business. 

The last words I said to Fourie were that I hate him.

I lied.

I don't hate him.

I can never hate him.

It's not possible.

I've already forgiven him for everything and I want to put things right.

"When I ran into him earlier today, he just made it sound as if picking up and leaving his home town was anything but difficult. He was making it seem easy as if we meant nothing to him. Maybe we don't mean anything to him after all." Dean voices his opinion.

Maybe Dean was right...either way Fourie meant something to me and I have the obligation to tell him face to face that I didn't mean what I said, that I could never hate him. Even Fourie deserved that much.

"Yeah well sometimes people do the unexpected. I never expected AJie to just up and leave, but she did. One day she was there and the next she was gone. Never even said goodbye. I heard that she left through gossip from my mailman, my mailman.” Mark emphasizes and then adds, “No one can pick up and leave everything behind as easily as AJanae did." Mark points out in a harsh tone, but his tone was covering up the fact that my leaving without informing him, hurt him. 

Well he'd have to suck it up because I sucked up the fact that he cheated on me and ultimately destroyed me in the process.

"It was just as easy for you Mark to do the exact same thing to me. You practically abandoned me. No goodbye was ever necessary because the message was received loud and clear. Also it wasn't easy to leave my whole routine, my entire life behind. In fact leaving Wakefield behind was by far the hardest decision I ever had to make." I tell him truthfully as he pulls my focus off the road and Fourie himself.

"There never had to be a decision to make in the first place." Mark points out.

I shake my head, "There was a decision to make as soon as you stopped talking to me despite my forgiveness and there was a decision to make when my mother passed away unexpectantly and my best friend wasn't there for me on the most painful day of my life. So yes Mark, there was never a decision to make until you made a decision possible for me to choose. That choice you gave me was to run and so I took it. I ran. I ran from my past, I ran from what I use to have, I ran from what I use to be and most importantly..." I hesitate before finally sucking up the courage to say what I want to say as I glance at him from the corner of my eye, "I ran from you."

His sky blue eyes soften a notch as he reaches for me, but I flinch away in disgust, "AJ you have to know that I am so sorr-"

"Don't bother Mark." I cut him off, not wanting to hear his apologies or excuses. "I've waited so long to hear you apologize, but now that you're here and now that you're about too, I suddenly don't want to hear it. I've given up on you Mark, I did a long time ago." I confess and my words must be like a blow to his stomach by the way he recoils and lets out a sharp breath.

I know my words were harsh and I know that they cut him, but he had to know. He had to know that whatever we had was officially over. We were done. I was done.

I am done.

"You don't mean that." he replies weakly.

"I do." I answer.

"She does." Dean chirps in and I had almost forgot that he was in the car with us. He'd been so silent and that is difficult to achieve for the likes of a chatter box such as Dean. It must be torture to listen into a conversation like ours.

I block out the banter that begins as Mark and Dean begin to argue back and forth amongst each other, Dean having picked the fight. I knew it would happen eventually. I try to tune them out for as long as possible, but it's when Mark turns around in the front seat and reaches backward to grab hold of Dean that I choose to intervene because they are both distracting me from the road.

I lose my temper and it's because of Mark's presence entirely, "Both of you shut up!" I yell aloud, both of them freezing on the spot at my venomous tone. I immediately want to take the shouting back when I see Dean's shocked facial expression. He's never heard me scream before. I never wanted to yell in front of Dean of all people, but as mentioned before, Mark tends to bring out a different side to me. I am not some perfect little angel that Dean always makes me out to be. I do have a temper and I lose my temper when in the presence of none other than Mark Brennon.

It's Dean who breaks the deafening silence, "Wow! Just wow." he exclaims and I am about to apologize for my outburst when he continues on, "Okay, I am just going to go ahead and say what Mark and I are both thinking. That was hot. I mean AJanae, let's face it, you've always been hot but that was just...enticingly, insanely hot. I do enjoy it when you are raging because of female hormones and what not-"

My temper only escalates out of control the more Dean speaks until I erupt like a volcano, "It's not raging female hormones Slate! It's because Mark is interrogating me on my life here when he doesn't own that right anymore! He can't just waltz back into my life and expect us to be friends again, to go back to where we left off." I say, infuriated. I stop the car in the parking lot of the airport, tempted to crash the car just because I need a release from this anger penned up within me. I turn in my seat to face Mark head on, "I am so sick and tired of being your doormat in times of trouble and anguish! I can't be your life jacket, anchor, water wings or safety net in times of panic anymore. As much as I want to believe otherwise, I know you too well and I know that you're only here in town because you want something from me and I am not prepared to help you this time. Keep your agenda to yourself." I tell him, my voice having lowered because this was extremely hard for me. "You can't be my priority anymore Mark." I confess to him gently, admitting the final truth.

He swallows and adverts his eyes away from mine at my words. I don't wait for a reply because I don't need one. It was my choice to make, not his. I motion to Dean to follow as I get out the car and rush inside toward the airport where the planes would be lifting off any second now. I put a mental block up against Mark and the discussion we just had. He isn't my priority right now. Fourie is my priority.

I don't wait for Dean and Mark to catch up. I take off in a sprint as soon as my eyes land on his dark hair and electric blue eyes. He's boarding the plane, but I am nearing him. My heart begins to race and my breath comes out in short pants as I run for him, "Falcon!" I scream on the top of my lungs. "Fourie!" I yell out again, but he isn't hearing me. I am a few metres away as he takes that first step onto the plan, "Fourie!"

It's as if a miracle takes place because he suddenly hears me over all the racket. He recognized my voice. He turns around and looks for me and when his eyes land on me he gives me a small ghostly smile, somewhat close to a goodbye. His eyes soften a notch as the smile slowly fades off his lips.

Then he turns his back on me and fully boards the plane.

He couldn't just leave! Not like this, not when I need him more than ever...

"Fourie wait!" I yell after him as I begin to close the distance between us. "Please!" I yell out desperately, but my calls to him only fall on deaf ears.

I stop short when the doors to the plane close and the lift off is initiated. I watch hopelessly as the plane takes off into the crystal blue heavens. I don't stop watching until the plane becomes smaller and smaller as the distance between us grows greater and greater. When they disappear behind a cloud, I collapse onto the floor in exhaustion. All the running which proved to be in vain.

Dean catches up and takes a seat beside me on the dusty floor, "We missed him, didn't we?" he asks, sounding just as lost and hopeless as I did.

We were lost without Fourie and to some extent we were goners without him.

We need him.

I need him.

"No." I shake my head, "I made it in time. He heard me. He saw me. He smiled, but none of it was enough. Dean his mind was set. He wouldn't listen to me. He was saying goodbye." I explain to him of what he'd just missed.

I fall silent to the sound of my own breathing.

I notice a blonde haired stature in the distance and his eyes are trained solely on Dean and I as he inspects us carefully, the very same blonde hair that I had been seeing so often nowadays. He is part of this. I don't know how, but he's part of it. He must be one of the reasons why Fourie left, he's tied up in all this. It was Devon’s accomplice.

Upon being caught in his act of staring, he is just as quick to vanish into the bustling bodies of the airport.

"AJanae it's going to be okay. You know that right?" Dean asks, sounding worried and it was all for me. Was I that much of a mess as of right now? 

I slowly nod, "I know."

"Good." Dean feigns a smile and wraps an arm around my shoulder as he pulls me into his side to comfort me. "We'll see him again someday. I just know it."

I doubt that...

Drew's POV:

"Oh come on Drew! Is this interrogation over already? I told you everything." Tamarind tells me as she takes a fork full of her pasta and eats the food. She chews slowly as if uncomfortable under my scrutinizing and sceptical gaze. I watch her swallow as she fidgets nervously in her seat. She hadn’t told me everything. She was lying.

"Is there anyone on this planet that doesn’t lie straight to my face? Seriously why do I have to be 'that' guy, the guy who everyone keeps secrets from? I mean I know I am intimidating but-"

Tamarind laughs at this, cutting me off from finishing my sentence, "Oh I am sorry. You were being serious?" she smirks as she grabs the napkin and wipes her mouth. I narrow my eyes at her. "Drew you don't intimidate me. You never have. Look I haven't told you everything, but you have to know that it's because I only want the best for you. I don't want you involved. Please understand that I am only looking out for you. I swear."

I hear the sincerity in her voice and this time she is being truthful. "This isn’t an interrogation. I trust you. I just want you to be open with me."

She smiles softly at me, her olive green eyes ablaze, "I am being open with you." she points out, "I am being open about the fact that I haven't told you everything. Come on that has to count for something." she pouts and I laugh.

I shrug, "It's a start."

She grins up at me, "Yeah, yeah it is."

I smile at her and then call the waiter over. "Sup Don? Can I have another two waters for the table please?" I ask the elderly man who'd been serving this town for years. He owned the harbour restaurant where all the boating addicts were. His restaurant overlooked the harbour and ocean. It was famous for its magnificent view and because Don was the owner. Everyone loved Don. He was just your plain elderly yet overly friendly neighbour. He had a lot of fans in Morro Bay because of his loyalty for the town, that and the fact that he practically knew everyone in town.

"Sure. Anything for a family member of the Legends." he smiles and then turns to Tamarind with a grim smile as if forced, "You fine Seda?"

"Just perfect." Tamarind bites out and feigns a smile herself.

Don nods and then leaves us to see to his other customers. I glance at Tamarind, confused, "Should I be worried?" I ask, "What was that?" Tamarind shrugs and adverts eye contact as she takes another mouth full of her food. "Tam?"

She quickly swallows and clears her throat before answering, "Don and my family have a history. We don't quite get along. Look I know you like the old man, but I just don't."

I am taken aback by her statement, "But everyone loves Don. You cannot not love Don. He has no enemies."

"That's what he wants everyone to think." Tamarind clarifies, "Anyways I think we've been here long enough. We should get going."

I give Tam a cold stare, "Why? Just because Don is serving now. I mean it's not like Colton was much better." I tell her, irritated for the lack of information.

Now as great as a guy Don was, his son was in fact quite the opposite. His son worked for him as a waiter on weekends and his son just so happened to be thee famous Colton, as in thee guy who lost his best friend Logan and blamed it all on AJanae. The guy who also took enjoyment in the fact that Fourie and I are in two different places in our lives and that we are on ends. The guy who, just this afternoon, rejoiced in the fact that Fourie had left town and that our football team was majorly screwed without him. He took at least quarter of an hour to rub it in my face how my best friend and captain abandoned the team. Colton’s team actually stood a chance now.

I hate Colton, but I favour his father, Don.

I don't understand how Colton came from such a great man.

"Drew. I just want to go home. This has nothing to do with Donavan. Why are you searching for something to be wrong? I am not looking for a fight this time." Tamarind's voice brings me out my own thoughts.

"I am sorry. I guess I am just so used to it. You were right. Old habits do die hard." I stand up and begin to walk away only for Tamarind to follow after me.

"Drew that was years ago. We're past all that." she calls after me as she catches up.

It is true.

We are past all that drama, however I am just in a rubbish mood today and now I am taking it all out on Tamarind. She doesn't deserve it.

I halt in my steps and turn to face her, "I'm sorry. I just have a lot going on is all." I explain my self...well partially.

"I know and I get that. Just know that I don't plan on leaving anytime soon." she says in a comforting voice as if she knew why I was so annoyed. She places a hand on my shoulder, "AJanae isn't the only girl in the world and if she was just going to leave you then maybe she doesn’t deserve you."

I contemplate her words and can't help but wonder how she knew about AJanae and her almost leaving, then again I wouldn't put anything past Tamarind. She always seemed to know of everyone's whereabouts. "Aren't you supposed to be her friend?"

"I am, but I want the best for you and clearly she isn't that. She hurt you." Tamarind reminds me as if she was me herself and actually knew all that I was feeling.

"You've left before too Tam." I point out, defending AJanae for some unknown reason. She should be the last person that I should defend right now.

"Yes, but I came back." She takes the liberty to point out.

"Who says that AJanae wouldn't have come back?"

"Because AJanae isn't me. She has motives and she'd only leave without a goodbye if she knew she was never coming back."

I know Tamarind is right, but that just adds to my irritation as it is. I'd become so close to AJanae. I trusted her more than I trusted Tamarind and it seemed to have meant absolutely scratch to her. She threw way my trust like yesterday's trash. A part of me wants to believe that she would have come back, but deep down I know she wouldn't have returned.

I am quick to change the subject, "So the restaurant food was a lot better than the crap groceries you bought. Your welcome." I wrap a loose arm around Tamarind's shoulders as we head out the restaurant.

"In my defence...it was my first time buying groceries. I mean how was I supposed to know that you didn't like mushrooms?" Tamarind giggles as she defends herself.

"Because I've always hated them. They're a fungus. You might as well eat your own toe jam." I tell her, surprised that she didn’t remember my distinct hatred for mushrooms. If you knew me then you knew that I hated mushrooms. "You know I am a germ fetish and you know how fussy and picky I am when it comes to food."

"Since when are you a germaphobe?" she asks aloud, but more to herself.

I frown down at her, "Since always."

She's known me for so long but she doesn't remember that I hate mushrooms or that I am a germ freak. Those were two very important details that classified me as me. Everyone who truly knew me knew those things about me. How could Tamarind not know?

Then it hits me.

I barely known anything about Tamarind except for the things she allows me to know and she doesn't know as much about me as I thought she did, in fact...

I'm not sure if she even knows me at all...

AJanae's POV:

You know that feeling you get when it feels as if someone has just stabbed you a million times in the solar plexus?

Or that heartache similar to when a bullet is fired at you and as it collides and enters your chest. It hurts so much that you can't breathe, but merely watch yourself bleed out?

Or how about that truly agonizing sensation you get when one of your worst nightmares becomes the living reality?

Well times those traumatizing and treacherous feelings by infinity and you would still not feel the pang of absolute and pure pain that enters my mind, body, heart, soul and entire being when I walk into my old house to find my gran lying on the floor with an empty cup at her hand.

If I thought Fourie leaving hurt, then this is beyond all possible words.

I waste no time in sprinting over to her body to check for a pulse. I already know...I know... but I check her pulse anyways, blinding myself to the truth, to what I already know.

I let out a chocked sob.

God no!

There is no pulse.

Her skin is still warm, however there is no heartbeat.

I begin to shake her limp body, refusing to believe any of it. I feel the moisture by my eyes but ignore it. This isn't happening! I shake her with more force, "Gran wake up!"

When I don't receive an answer in return and only a piercing silence, the truth hits me like a ton of bricks. I fall defeated to my knees beside her and bury my head into her neck. I hold on to the lifeless body and cradle her head into my arms.

"Gran please!" I whimper out, desperate, gulping back the tears. "Please don't leave me." I whisper hoarsely as tears begin to flow, my heart and chest pounding in fear, pain and anxiety.

Having realized that I have just lost everyone important to me, a struck of pure loneliness and hatred for the world settles in as I cry into her shoulder.

I whip out my phone and immediately call the ambulance in a panic.

I shift away from her body. Her spirit and soul has left me and all that's left in her place is a shell of who she was. I am barely breathing because of the current heartache I am experiencing. My heart has just been ripped out from my chest.

I slide myself further away from her body as denial enters my heart. Even then I am still too close. I crawl further away with doubt and insecurity of what has already been made known to me. I lament for her and shed tears as I sit cross legged, a foot away from the scene.

All I can do for her now is watch and wait for her to wake up and move.

She never does.

In nothing but bewail, I inch closer and gently place my hand over her open eyes and close them, facing the truth, and laying her to rest in order to give myself and her some peace and closure. "Goodbye." I whisper into her ear and tuck loose strands of her hair away. With a continuous and tormenting ache in my chest, I force myself to move away from her for the final time.

I don't have the strength nor the energy to stand up, so instead I choose the easier route and hide my face from her body as I weep and forlong for her return, though it was in vain. She was never coming back. 

"AJanae I just phoned Drew and he..." Dean says as he enters the house but freezes when he takes in the scene before him. My chest heaves up and down as I huddle myself into a ball and drop my head into my hands, chunking silently away. "Oh God no!" he whispers aloud to himself as he drops beside her body and checks for a pulse. All of me hopes that he will find one, but when he looks up all I see in his eyes is despair and I know...I know I've lost the only family I had left.

He runs back outside and calls unto the neighbours for assistance in the matter, but even I know that there's no hope. It's too late. I was too late. "Somebody help!" he screeches as he knocks on the neighbours' doors. "We need help!"

I hear footsteps as people begin to rush in and soon after the house is encased and flooded with ambulance, police officers and random strangers who I assume to be the neighbours (who weren't there for her, just as I wasn't there for her).

Everything turns to slow motion as I go through all the struggles and turmoil of my inner conscious. How am I supposed to move on from his? There is no healing this time. I am broken. I don't move from my place on the floor less than a foot away from the now enclosed off body.

"AJanae." I vaguely hear a voice calling me from some distance. "AJanae!" they repeat, but I can't quite reach them because my eyes are trained on her body solely and nothing else. I see through anyone and everyone else, including the ambulance and officers surrounding the area. All I see is her...or what is left of her.

My heart quickens as I near the brink or verge of crumbling to fragments. It was Natalie all over again. The only difference is that this time I have no family to support me though the death. I can’t make it through this. I am not strong enough.

"AJanae." the gentle voice tries to bring me back and reach me yet again but I barely make anything of it.

A pain shoots up my chest and into my heart as I am forced to take in a sharp breath. My chest is on fire and my veins are burning to an extreme. I want to pull myself away, but it's as if I am in my own world and I can't leave.

There is no greater agony than losing someone you love.

As much as I want to break the gaze, I cannot. My breathing hitches and then begins to quicken as my emotions escalate out of control. I draw in short and fast paced breaths as I lose myself. My heart is pounding and my head feels close to exploding. Everything is beginning to blur as I grow more and more faint and feel weaker as my strength diminishes at a sudden rate.

"AJanae!" a voice yells.

My sobbing turns to a turmoil of hysterics as the light fades out and the black and darkness begins to take over. Cold. Everything feels cold.

"Somebody help her!"

"Stand back. She's going into shock."

"Let me through. She's my friend." I hear the familiar voice again, but it barely registers within my mind. Two strong arms are placed on my shoulders as someone begins to shake me, "AJanae stay with me."

I lift my head and glance up into his black eyes, easily recognizing him, but only to see right through him as if he's transparent and nothing but a figment of my imagination.

He places two hands on the side of my face as he forces me to see him, "Hey, hey, it's me. Dean." he says gently. "Come out of it. Just breathe AJanae. I am here with you. Just breathe. C'mon. In and out. In and out." he says gently and somewhere along the line I begin to follow his actions as I submit to his pleas. "That's it. Easy."

The person that I have locked gazes with suddenly becomes visible and I am no longer see though him, my vision having cleared, "Dean." I whisper out. He responds with a nod as if afraid to speak in case of a repeat, "She's really gone this time." I state, but he knows me well enough to know that I am asking him to confirm it.

Dean breaks eye contact and sucks in a deep breath with a sigh as he thinks of how to answer. He shifts to lock gazes with me yet again, "She's just been declared dead on sight." he says and as he does a rush of uncertainty for the future as well as anguish for the present fills my heart all over again.

My eyes fill with tears as I begin to crash and burn at the confirmation. I place my hand over my chest to stop the pain, but it doesn't take away from the torment. I bring both my hands to cover my mouth as I lean forward weakly and sob into my hands.

Dean wraps his arms around my body and draws me near to him. I cling onto the collar of his shirt as I weep into his chest as a result of my own trauma and vulnerability. His scent is comforting because it is the only thing that is familiar to me. He rubs my back in a soothing manner as he pats my hair, "I am here for you. You're going to get through this and you're going to move past it. I am going to be with you every step of the way. I promise."

Promises are always broken...

*      *      *      *

Two days later, yet it feels like an eternity later.

The autopsy results came in. My gran died of poisoning within the immune system. There is no sign of struggle and the evidence points to suicide. Losing a loved one is hard, losing a family member tops it, but losing a family member to suicide wins hands down overall.

How am I supposed to move on when I know that she killed herself because I ran out on her? And for what? To stop Fourie. He hasn’t crossed my mind in the past two days and my attempts to stop him were in vain. If I hadn’t been chasing after him then I could have stopped my gran from making the decision to drink that poison. Even when he is not around he still manages to cause trouble.

The thought that consumes me day and night is why? Why did she do it? Am I that much of a disappointment that the only way she saw an out was through death, through killing herself, through taking her own life? First Natalie dies because of me and now my gran kills herself because of me. God am I that much of a failure?

I thought that the pain would level out as time passed as I watched the two days go by, but when the autopsy results came in and suicide was written down as the final claim…that killed me. Killed me. It tore me apart.

If I hadn’t turned my back on her and left her at the airport then things could have been different. If I stayed and boarded the plane like Fourie had asked of me, then maybe we’d be in a new town, happy, starting over from scratch. However I chose to leave. I chose to turn my back on her. I chose to abandon her.  And ultimately she chose to end it all.

The thought eats away at my mind.

To end it all…

It sounds so much easier than enduring it all.

There’s nothing more that I’d want more than to be reunited with all my family members up in the heavens, but I can’t resort to that. I have to be above that.

I’ve never been so entirely lost in all my life. Where do I go from here? How do I get back up on my feet? I have nowhere to go back too. I have no home. I have no family. I have nothing. What’s the point of fighting anymore? I always believed that everything happens for a reason, nowadays I feel like there is no purpose to anything. Why am I even here?

All the previous light in my life had dimmed only to be replaced with solid darkness. Drowning, burning, bleeding out…none of that accurately describes the pain one feels when you hold yourself responsible for a family member’s suicide.

She took me by surprise. The worst part of it all is that I never once saw it coming. I never expected to come home to a lifeless body. I had dreamt it countless of times in my nightmares of worst fears, but I had never expected it to become my reality. Suicide hits home because I should have known that she’d been contemplating it, but I was too absorbed in my own matters to notice. I let her down. I failed her. I might as well have killed her.

This time there is no bouncing back. I am done, over, finished. I can’t fix myself all over again. There is no rising above. I don’t have enough strength to overcome this.

I’ll forever be in her debt. I will always search for them, only to find nothing but a shell. I am going to be bleeding out for my uncle, my grandfather, my mother and my gran for eternity and even beyond that.

 “Sweetheart you zoned out again.” Mrs Slate informs me as she clicks her fingers before me, trying to get me back down to earth.

I shake my head, escaping from my dark thoughts that were weighing heavily on my mind, “Sorry.” I murmur softly, though extremely grateful to her and the rest of the Slate family for letting me stay with them for the next week until a proper home solution is organized. At the moment I am underage to live alone and can only inherit my Gran’s prized possessions and the house until I turn eighteen and until then they are being stored in a safe facility.

She hands me a mug of tea and I grasp it with shaky hands, “Honey you are so pale. Are you sure you’re ready to go back to school tomorrow? Today the funeral and tomorrow school? Sweetie I don’t know if that’s such a wise decision. You need to take some leave to mourn and grieve. It’s the only way to move on.”

“If she says she is ready, then she is ready. Leave her alone mom. She doesn’t need this, not now.” Dean defends me as he enters the kitchen and places a gentle kiss on my cheek before sitting down before me. He reaches over and takes my free hand into his own, “Hey.” He says gently, “It’s going to be fine.”

I nod, “I know.” I reply back quietly, but we both know that I am lying.

“I am here for you.” He reminds me and so far he’s kept true to his promise. He’s been holding my hand every step of the way and it only opens my eyes to what an incredible friend he is when you need him most. “Always.” He murmurs and then gives me a faint yet soft smile, one that I sadly cannot return, not on day like this.

“Dean Slate, do you want to try talk to your mother in that sharp tone again? I am not trying to make her uncomfortable. I was just suggesting that she wait a bit before jumping back into routine.” Mrs Slate whacks Dean upside the head for his behaviour and back talking and I can’t help but remember how Fourie did the same thing to him.

“Marla would you stop abusing our son and stop interrogating the poor girl? Let her make her own decisions. You can’t control everyone…” Mr Slate says to his wife as he steps in with a bowl of cereal, lazily eating his breakfast, that is until his wife narrows her dark eyes (ones that resembled Dean’s) at him. He holds one hand up defensively as he quickly adds, “Except me. You can’t control everyone, except me.”

Mrs Slate or Marla smiles in victory and satisfaction. Dean laughs and high fives his father, “Nice save Pa.”

He razzles Dean’s hair, “Thanks kiddo.”

I watch the family bonding and banter, feeling envious of their loving exchanges. How I have always longed for that. How I have always wanted, no, desired such a family where action and motive is based on pure love.

I need that.

Mr Slate turns to me with a sympathetic smile, “How are you this morning Love? You ready for the funeral?”

“Not really.” I admit, “But I’ll never be ready to let her go.”

He doesn’t know how to respond to this and motions to his son from the corner of his eye to say something and so Dean goes ahead and enlightens me with his rare wisdom, “Letting her go is not what the funeral is about. I hate it when people use the phrases ‘let go’ or ‘move on’. Your focus should be on remembering who she was and what she meant to you, not trying forget about her or let go of her. Where’s the lesson in that? You’re there to honour her legacy and I don’t think you’d be doing that if all you can think about is letting her go. Never let go. Hold onto her legacy forever if you must, but don’t stay stuck in the past either. You can hold onto her, but know that she’s gone and that she’s never coming back.”

He was inspiring right up until his last sentence where he put it so blankly. I already know she’s not coming back, but hearing someone else saying it puts things drastically into perspective. I don’t want perspective right now, I want a dream where everything is possible. I don’t want reality. I refuse to see reality, but Dean on the other hand, keeps opening me back up to the real world. I am grateful for his guidance and bluntness, but I’m not ready to face and accept the real world as of yet.

 *     *     *     *

In my eyes the world has stopped spinning, my world has stopped spinning, because there isn't a reason for it to spin anymore. My light has faded, my joy has been crushed, the pain unhearing and smothering, yet life carries on. 

The birds stop singing, the butterflies are weeping and the trees are whistling to the gentle breeze. Even the sunset is mourning. It is a sad day.

The cruel ordeal about life is the fact that even when your world has been flipped upside down, there will be a few who put there life on hold to assist you, but most, if not all, continue on as planned. They have no choice but to continue on or life will leave them down in the dust. 

My point is...Life goes on.

Your pain, your loss and your love do not mean anything to life. You can't stop life, you either get up and join the fight, or you get left behind. 

 "AJanae I am so sorry." Mark says from beside me and wraps a loose arm around me and though I appreciate the warm gesture, I do not appreciate the person giving it.

"Don't be." I murmur back, heartbroken.

I’ve never felt so emotionally weak before. The feeling of not only being held responsible for the death of people you love, but also the feeling of being completely and utterly alone is traumatising. Can you really blame me when I watch the coffin being lowered into the ground with a blank stare? Flash backs of my mother’s funeral only five months ago hits me harder than before. I am reliving the memory and pain.

Who’d think that five months into the future and I’d be standing at the funeral of yet another beloved family member of mine? Both deaths being my fault.

“No, I am. I mean I should have been there for you when Natalie died, but I wasn’t. I am just glad that I can be here for you now.” Mark whispers, sounding sincere but the last thing I want from him is sincerity dripping in his tone. I don’t trust him or anything he says. He broke the trust a long time ago. I hate letting him see me in such a moment of weakness like this. I was supposed to be stronger, better, but instead he finds me weaker and more pathetic.

“Buddy I suggest you move. You’re clearly not helping.” Dean tells Mark as he comes and stands beside me, supporting me through it all. I let out a breath of relief when Mark gives Dean a glare before walking away. He never could catch hints. “You okay? Well obviously not, but did he…you know…say something-“

“All is fine Dean.” I lie blatantly to his face. I stare up into his concerned dark eyes, “I am fine.”

“That’s what you always say. If you had a catch phrase it would be ’I am fine’.” He says and then motions me to take a step forward and sprinkle the white petals over the coffin, taking me back to five months ago when I did the same thing for my mother. White roses were both of their favourite flowers. Gran couldn’t to do it last time and she turned away, however I did, but this time it is me who simply can’t. I can’t take a step closer to the coffin because then it would be confirmed as her official passing. I couldn’t bear that even though I was very aware of the fact she was no longer with me. I stayed up all night just thinking about her and reminiscing on our past and what could have been our future. I am sleep deprived, insomnia awaits me every night.

I use to love white roses along with my mother and gran, now white roses have become my nightmares. White petals send me into a world of turmoil and agony. It’s the painful reminder that they’re both gone, that their beloved white roses are the symbol of their death.

Dean notices my hesitation. He gently takes the petals out my hand as he steps toward the hole in the ground and throws the petals down. We both watch the petals land softly on top of the coffin, covering it in white. I brush away a traitorous tear and then turn my back on the coffin, unable to bear anymore of the past which still weighs so heavily on me. It’s as if I am going through two funerals all at once.

Dean wraps a loose arm around me and pulls me away from the crowds of people as well as the hole that was now being refilled, burying the coffin and my gran along with it for eternity. “Let’s head home.”

I don’t have a home…

I love Dean as a person and as much as I appreciate his comfort, there is another that I want here with me, but he doesn’t pitch despite hearing the news. I can’t blame him for hating me. I lied to him after he gave me all his trust, I just wish Drew was here to help me get through this. He always understood me best.

 *      *      *      *

“So other than our football team sucking and us losing a match to Colton’s team for the first time in history, the new guy is also a pain. He is brilliant in everything and it pisses me off. No one is that perfect.” Dean informs me as he and I, as well as Mark, walk into the school gates a day later.

Dean’s family was kind enough to give Mark a temporary room in their house too until he decided that his stay was over. I still don’t get why he came all this way in the first place.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear.” Dean gestures to some guy in the distance who has brown hair and blue eyes. I don’t answer, not really concerned about the ‘new guy’, if anything he should leave town while he still can. Is that what some people first thought when I first arrived? “Can you stop being like this?”

“Stop being like what?” I murmur softly.

“All mopey and depressed. It hurts me to see you like this.” He confesses and I feel guilty for making him suffer the same pain that I was going through.

“What do you want me to do Dean? Smile and pretend that I am not dying on the inside?” I ask him, being open with him for once. “I have nothing left.”

Dean places a supportive hand on my shoulder as his black eyes flicker down toward me, “You have me. You’ll always have me.”

I’d smile at him if I had the strength to do so, instead I reply with a simple, “Thanks.”

He doesn’t respond.

*        *         *         *

The teacher keeps lecturing on about the latest biology topic. I am not listening, I am in another world. I have spaced out again. I thought I could handle school and all its drama. Truth is, Dean’s mom was right. I am far from ready for this. I don’t have it in me to keep rising above, I have fallen and I don’t know to get back up.

I shove my space case into my school bag and then get up abruptly as I walk toward the exit of the classroom, the teacher’s eyes on me as well as the students, but they don’t stop or question me, probably having heard of my gran’s death. As mentioned before, it was a small town and gossip spread like a wildfire. Everyone knew everything about everyone.

One person’s eyes in particular captures my gaze, but I quickly break eye contact from the midnight blue eyes as I head out the classroom, seeking peace from the riot.

I unlock the door to my locker which stood in the empty school hallways, everyone still in class. I open my locker and then glance around wearily, feeling eyes on me, but no one is in sight. It was just paranoia. I throw my backpack in the locker, ignoring the gut feeling, the silence of the empty hallways echoing around me. I’d hear footsteps if someone was here in any case.

I shake my head as I shut my locker door closed and then immediately gasp when I see a face right where the locker door had been opened before I banged it closed.

I breathe in a sigh of relief when I see that it’s just the regular ‘new guy’, I place a hand over my beating heart to calm down. “Sorry. Never meant to scare you.”

Yeah that’s why you’re standing behind my locker door…

“It’s okay.” I mutter politely and turn to walk away but his voice halts me in place.

“You must think I some kind of weirdo. I didn’t mean to intrude on you or anything. It’s just…I am new and this is embarrassing to admit but I don’t know where the locker rooms are. I need to warm up before football trials. Apparently they’re looking for a new football captain because the last a few days ago. Can you help a guy out?” he asks in a softer tone, one less prodding.

My heart quenches when he mentions the last captain leaving. Fourie leaving. So this is why Dean hates him. Dean doesn’t want anyone to replace Fourie. I turn back to face him square in his eyes, turquoise in colour, resembling close to that of Fourie’s or that of my own.  “Sure.” I say as I motion with my head for him to follow.

I don’t wait for him to catch up as I hear his footsteps behind me in toe, making me wonder how I hadn’t heard him earlier before he snuck up on me. My senses have been heightened ever since she left me. Lately nothing gets by me. It is unlikely that I wouldn’t hear someone nearby unless they were purposely sneaking up on me. But why?

Maybe there is a reason to be cautious and weary of new students after all…

He seems to be the over friendly talkative type, and right now the last person I need is that type. The quiet people, like myself, who keep to themselves, end up clashing with his type. I keep my eyes trained solely on the floor as I lead him down to the gym locker rooms nearest to us.

“So…I don’t even know your name yet. I didn’t exactly introduce myself properly. I’m Faze.” He says and holds out a hand for me to shake.

At first I just glance at his hand, taken aback by his kindness toward me, but when he sees my hesitance he begins to retract his hand. I act fast and take hold of his hand and shake it, “Nice to meet you. I’m-“

“AJanae Nova.” he finishes for me with a mysterious grin, ‘I know. I’ve heard a lot about you.” He admits and keeps me in the dark about what he heard about me exactly and from whom he heard of me.

“Oh?” I take my hand back with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re fairly new to the town yourself. Right?” he asks, clearly wanting to get to know me or my business more like it.

“Yeah.” I answer in a one word syllable, not wanting to get into all the knitty gritty of what had become my life.

“I heard about your grandmother and I personally just wanted to-“

Hearing the start of his sentence took me so by surprise that my harshness is not intended when I cut him off in a fine tone, “Well don’t.” I snap in a cold voice. He falls quiet as we round the next corner, closing the distance to the gym locker rooms. I take my eyes off the ground and peek a spare glance his way to see that his blue eyes are trained ahead of him, his lush brown hair styled messily just above his eyes.

What I’m not expecting to see in his eyes is hurt and rejection caused by a stranger. He doesn’t even bother covering up the distaste for my rejection. His blue eyes are laced with honesty and openness. He is an open person and I know from experience that it is extremely difficult to grow on the people of Morro Bay, they’re not so accepting at first. “Sorry.” I murmur, “I am just having a difficult time facing it all. I have no choice but to accept it.” I confess, choosing to open up to him because he didn’t mask his emotions like the others and that fact alone had already won me over.

“It’s okay.” He says easily with a small smile of his own as our eyes meet again. We enter through the gym and his questions stop. I point him in the direction of the locker rooms, ‘’Thanks you.” He says quietly before leaving me alone.

I glance around the empty gym, deciding that a good way to pass the time and unleash my bottled emotions would be to exercise and so I do until the pain begins to numb. The pain on the outside from over exercising outweighs the inside and overcomes the pain from within.

*      *      *     *

“I am just saying…he seems polite and genuine.” I tell Dean as we walk long side each other toward the parking lot as it was end of day.

“Faze is an asshole. He acts perfect. No one is that good.” Dean insists.

I glance up at Dean, uncertain if I agreed, “Well maybe Faze just is that good. Did you ever consider that? Not everyone keeps secrets. Not everyone is dark and cynical. There is still good people in this world. You have to believe that. I have to believe that!” I raise my tone in a bitter and exasperated voice as I walk by him, slightly offended that he was aiming to break Faze, the new student, just because he seemed decent enough or better enough than the rest of us.

"Where is this coming from?" Dean calls after me, but I keep walking away from him, my back turned on him. Even though I pass Drew whose eyes are trained on me, I don't bother or attempt a smile because I already know that I won't manage and that he won’t return it.

I go to the place where I know my pain will literally be washed away. The first time I sat watching the ocean was when we first moved here. Gran never joined me because she was afraid. She’d lost the ones she loved and the ocean was too vast and terrifying for her to understand, or process. In the same way the ocean terrified me.

So open yet so powerful…

Being open was being powerful, hence my new found respect for Faze.

Holding secrets was the kill.

Yet again I find myself alone, staring out unto the horizon over the sea. The sun is just setting as I drink up the blueness of it all, the waves crashing just before my feet and a sense of peace filling the essence that makes me, me.

In my lack of absence to my awareness around me, I don't seem to notice that I am joined in company. Only when he reaches for my hand and I feel his warmth and drink in his familiar and somewhat uncomforting scent that I realise just who it is. "Why don't you just leave town already?" I murmur and pull my hand away from his, leaving a cool breeze to pick up as I huddle myself into a ball, pulling my knees up to my chin.

"AJanae we need to talk eventually. You can't keep shutting me out. You can deny it all you want, but there is no one else on this planet that knows you the way I do, that understands you the way I do." he says and there is truth in his words, somewhat.

He had known me my entire life.

"Please just go Mark. I am not doing this now." I say in a weak voice, my tone has a slight edge of fear to it.

"Or ever." he adds, finishing my sentence off.

I shift in my place on the sea sand and turn to face him, for longing to have him back in my life, the way he used to be, "What do you want from me? You want me to forgive you? I do. You abandon me. You want me to help you? I do. You rage at me. You tell me to leave? I do. You track me down. You want me to love you? I did. You didn't return it." I emphasize the 'did’.

He shakes his head "If only you knew. I loved you, still love you more than-"

I place my hand oven his mouth, not allowing him to finish, "You don't get to say that to me anymore."

He removes my hand and leans forward, his sky blue eyes capturing me in an intense gaze, "I just have to say it. Just once." I shake my head at him and move back to block my ears, but it’s too late because he blurts out the words, hitting my heart right at home, "I love you AJanae. I always have loved you and I've never stopped loving you even after...." he trails off in a hoarse voice, "Even after all my stuff ups and I've tracked you down with the sole purpose to make you fall in love with me all over again."

Yeah right, like that will ever happen…

I already care for people more than I ever cared for him.

Drew means a lot to me, but he is happy as he is with Tamarind. He's too good for me and deserves so much better. If anything, he deserves the world and the world could never be me. If you measure your attributes up against Drew, you'll always fail because he’s just that perfect.

Then there is the complete opposite...Fourie.

He is lying, fickle, manipulative, mysterious, secretive and hate filled, at least that is what most would say about him. Take me back to a couple days ago at prom and I'd say the exact same thing, that I hate him even, but fast forward to where we are now and I know that there is something so much deeper to him. I saw something in him when no one else did. On rare occasions he exposed his sweet, compassionate, vulnerable and terrified side, the side that won me over.

I’m torn.

I glance back up to Mark who is waiting patiently for an answer and when my eyes meet his again, a hatred that I had bottled up for him over the year stirs within me. I don't even think as I begin to flip him out, "Now? You choose to tell me that now of all times? Where were you when my mother died, when I watched my world crumbling before me? Huh? Where were you Mark? Because you sure weren't with me and that says enough about your hell bound love! To be frank, it doesn't exist. Your love for me has never existed." I reply back to him with a stern voice and by the way his face falls I know that I pulled a low blow, but how could he come here and expect us to go back to the way we were before? It didn’t work that way, not when it was he who changed me from a ‘happy go lucky’ person to a brooding empty soul.

"I just want you back in my life." he says in a soft whisper, making me regret my harsh words. He made a mistake just as I had and now he was trying to fix it.

"Well here I am. You got your chance. Just don't waste it." I reply back, purposely giving him some hope when in my heart I know that we cannot be more than friends ever again. Our time had ended a long time ago.

"I don’t intend do." he murmurs and we fall back into a silence as he fidgets nervously and I go back to staring out at the waves, the sun having set.

Then the thought strikes me, I don't want to be miserable and down anymore. I want to end this mourning, grieving process and move on. A long time ago Mark made me forget about everything and anything because when he was around all I saw was him. He numbed the pain that had been there from the start, making it known only once we separated and parted ways.

I turn back to my sworn enemy and old friend, "Make me forget."

"What?" he asks, snapping his eyes to mine, trying to understand what I was asking.

"You did it once before. Now I am asking you to do it again. You owe me. Make me forget everything. I don't want to remember it all anymore." I say and when he gives me a baffled stare I continue to elaborate, "Take me somewhere out of here and get my mind off everything."

Mark raises an eyebrow, his sky blue eyes filled with hope, "Are you sure you know what you're asking? You want to spend time with me willingly?"

"No." I shaky my head and clarify, "I just want it to go away. I want the memories to die. If I can forget it all for one second, one second, then it will be worth it."

His sky blue eyes cloud over in excitement, sparkling beneath the night sky and as beautiful as his eyes are, they’re not midnight blue nor electric-cobalt blue. My heart strickens at the thought, but I push it aside. I watch Mark as he stands up and offers me his hand, "You want to forget?" I nod at his eagerness, "Then you need to experience the art of fun. C’mon! Let’s get out of here for the night. You in?"

I glance at him and then to his hand that he is offering, thinking carefully of the decision and analyzing every possible way to how this might end. Even the worst scenario isn't as half as bad as carrying the burden of remembering the past. I'd rather live for the present than live for the past. With my mind set, I feign a small smile and reach up, taking hold of Marks' hand,  just like old times, his own smile brightening to such an extent that I already regret agreeing and when he pulls me up to my feet, I just know that there's no turning back.

I huff in a deep breath before saying, "I'm in."

 *~*

Hey everyone =))

I know it has been long since I updated and I am sorry for the wait. Hopefully the next chapter won’t take as long as this one did. Thank you for bearing with me despite the slow updates.

~Until next time…