COMMENTING TIME FRAME:

Friday, December 22 - Wednesday, January 3, 2018, 11:59 PM (CST)

MODERATOR: Leah_tee

COMMENT TOPIC: First chapters are extremely important. They need to set the tone and entice the reader to read the rest of the book. Comment on the level of your engagement throughout the chapter. Did you find yourself skimming at times? Or were you hooked the entire way through? How was the author able to keep you engaged and/or how did the author lose you?

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

#NBR, we've got ourselves a new Champion Reviewer! She's sat in this throne before! She's won four times in Round 5 (proving that it is possible), so she'll get the rarest opportunity to spotlight four chapters in one round next season! What? We can do that!? Yes we can!!!

She is also our Triple Crowner by winning three rounds in one season (and reviewing at least three chapters in each of those rounds)! She'll get to spotlight an additional chapter during this season.

But just because she owns the throne doesn't mean you can't have it, go forth and review! NBR is waiting for you to become its next Champion!

Congratulations, SapphireAlena!

Wish her the best, learn from her reviews, and don't forget to follow her.

Happy Holidays, everyone!

Author #1: SapphireAlena

Book: Empire Day

Genre: Fanfiction

Specified Chapter: Chapters 2 & 3-Mos Eisley Census

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/330652803-empire-day-chapters-2-3-mos-eisley-census

Chapter Rating: PG

Gore Level: Minimal Blood

Summary: Luke Skywalker is turning eight on Empire Day. Unfortunately, the Empire has ordered a galaxy-wide census. Instead of heading to the pod races, like his Uncle Owen had promised him, the Lars family heads to Mos Eisley to be counted in the census.

This is a Fan Reboot that occurs eight years after Revenge of the Sith. If you aren't familiar with Star Wars, Anakin Skywalker turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader to save his wife Padmé from dying in childbirth, but he failed.

When she died, Anakin's former masters, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda, hid his twin children. Owen Lars (Anakin's step-brother) took Luke, rearing him on the desert planet of Tatooine, while the Queen and Prince Consort of Alderaan adopted Leia. Believing his wife and child dead, misery fills Anakin's days because he is now the Sith Lord Darth Vader.

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who makes NBR so great and for everyone who doesn't like or care about Star Wars for tolerating my spotlight chapter.

I'm looking for reader-engagement feedback, but a line edit or copy edit. So, sit back, grab the popcorn, and just have fun. The winner will have the best meta-analysis and will answer Question 1 the best.

Questions:

1. How does the dialogue and inner monologue work to reveal the characterization and increase the tension? Please support your answers with examples from the text. [Do NOT use in-line comments.]

2. Immerse yourself in the reading experience and use the following legend throughout the chapter. Why did you choose that particular emoji or hashtag? [USE in-line comments.]

👍 or #LIKED-you liked something

❤ or #LOVED-you loved something

😂 or #LAUGHED-you chuckled, laughed, or snorted

💓 or #EXCITED-you became excited or tense

Winning Comment:

HEART - This might not be the first chapter, but I still want to mention that this opening really hooked me. Your descriptions of this universe are wonderfully specific, and it's impossible not to get reeled into the story at once!

HEART RACING - I was going to say that I was laughing, because the image of Luke sliding this way and that in his seat did make me chuckle, but then I retraced the line "Even though Uncle Owen had insisted on strapping in Luke like cargo...". Some say children don't pick up on things like these, but they sure do. Poor Luke.

THUMBS UP - I'll discuss the inner monologue later, but I can't resist highlighting the childish delight of "Look at the size of that thing!" :')

HEART - I love that you've included his daydream. It highlights his age and reminds me of my own childhood (...though I'm still guilty of daydreaming all the time).

HEART RACING - The contrast between this paragraph and the previous one is perfect. Luke's innocent thoughts are cut off short and replaced by the harshness of an adult's perspective ("Stay close to your aunt and me at all times. And keep your mouth shut."), reminding me that this world definitely isn't as free as a child's fantasy.

HEART - I don't know if I can call this an Easter Egg, but I sure love the way you've incorporated the twin suns in this paragraph. I can practically hear the melody of 'Binary Sunset' playing.

HEART - Again, the contrast between this paragraph and the previous one makes my heart sing a little tune. Luke's observation ("They must be broiling in that armor.") is so innocent compared to the grim truth of "It only took one example for the group to maintain silence".

THUMBS UP - Much like the opening paragraph, the descriptions here keep me engaged. The way you've managed to smoothly include so many details is impressive :)

THUMBS UP - I really like the imagery here. It's making me long for a glass of water haha!

HEART RACING - Uh-oh! My heart always skips a beat when a thought is cut off mid-sentence.

HEART (still) RACING - The majority of Luke's observations have been innocent until this point. The way he's now noticing these "fearful tremors" really adds tension to the scene, and again shows how children notice more than we think.

HEART RACING - (I'm wondering if my heart will be able to calm down at this point.) I love that, as a reader, I can understand their fear here, even though it's not explained.

THUMBS UP - The monotonic structure of these questions is great, and really shows how many times this man has had to repeat them. Brilliant!

HEART RACING - "Nothing to worry about"? Pfft.

THUMBS UP - The force is strong with this one, eh?

HEART RACING - Oh, Luke. That wasn't the best move, was it?

HEART - There are so many nuances in this chapter alone, and I absolutely love how the conscience of the sergeant shines through the gruesome descriptions here.

HEART RACING - *Imperial March starts playing*

LAUGHING - Oh, how I love the 'tude.

HEART RACING - Can someone distract Vader? No? Uh-oh.

HEART - I love when characters' paths overlap like this (e.g. Beru rushing past Vader without properly acknowledging his presence). It always makes me smile. :)

HEART RACING (/HEART) - The way you use "the sound of mechanical breathing" to alert readers of Vader's presence is just brilliant.

HEART - Her protectiveness is making me all kinds of emotional. Luke may not be her son, but she's being a true mother here.

HEART - I usually suggest not hopping into another character's head, but for some reason, this really works. It's almost as if Vader has seized the narration.

HEART RACING - "The eyes. Those eyes are mine." Ah!

HEART - As usual, Vader has captured my attention completely. It's always the complicated characters that get me, and you've portrayed him so well here. Brilliant!

Great ending to a great chapter. I probably should've written more inline comments, but I got so caught up in this final scene that I forgot haha! I'll return later with my answers to the CT as well as Question 1 :)

Now that I've filled your notifications with inline comments, it's time for me to congratulate you--not only on the well-deserved spotlight, but on winning back the Champion Reviewer title! Having read your brilliant reviews, I'm not at all surprised. :)

I went to see the Episode VIII quite recently, and I've been hopelessly caught up in the world of Star Wars ever since. Because of that, I was so excited to see that this chapter was part of the spotlight round. I remember your previous Champion round very well, and I was just as impressed by this chapter as I was by seeing the rise of Kylo Ren.

CT - Level of engagement

As you might be able to tell from my inline comments, this chapter certainly had my heart racing, and though the chilling sequence of events is part of the reason, I think it was also due to the combination of layered descriptions and contrasting factors (e.g. Luke's youth VS the Imperial rule). Your vivid descriptions and carefully chosen details (e.g. "The farmer boy raised his macrobinoculars to watch as another craft approached--a Lambda-class Imperial shuttle. All white with two angled wings and a vertical stabilizer, the craft was the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen.") painted the Tatooine scene perfectly, and I think it's important to note that your descriptions alone kept me engaged. Even as you were describing something as humdrum as a queue, the details flowed and kept me hooked (e.g. "The queue snaked through around the landspeeders jamming the side streets. While the line moved quickly, not even tall Owen could identify..."), and the appearance of Stormtroopers ("Their white armor gleaming in the brutal sunlight while they held their rifle blasters across their chests, Imperial Stormtroopers monitored the queue.") added a great amount of tension.

Another aspect of your writing that made this chapter such an engaging read was, as I briefly mentioned, the contrast between innocence/youth and terror/grim reality. Lines such as "The boy shuddered when muffled blaster shots and terrifying screams echoed through the alley" and "But he heard. There was no mistaking the screeches of Tuskens nor the howls of the Wookiees that followed" were especially haunting after encountering Luke's enthusiastic observations. It was both painful and gripping to realize that this world isn't as innocent as Luke Skywalker's daydream, and I liked that you managed to show his awareness of the way this universe is ruled. He may be dreaming of being a pilot, but he's not blind to the fear around him.

I can't pinpoint a single part of the chapter where I wasn't engaged. The imagery reeled me further and further in, as did the layers of the characters. For example, I loved your portrayal of Uncle Owen, and I thought it was both intriguing and organic to see how he went from being the harsh one (e.g. "Even though Uncle Owen had insisted on strapping in Luke like cargo...") to being the victim ("Owen and Beru trembled under the gaze of the hardened soldiers."). Great job!

Question 1 - Characterization through dialogue/inner monologue

Having just seen Luke in 'The Last Jedi', it was incredibly bittersweet to see the enthusiasm and naivety in some of his thoughts (e.g. "Look at the size of that thing!", "They must be broiling in that armor."). Like I said earlier, you've captured a boy who is full of wonder, yet also aware of the dangers around him. Though the first part of the chapter didn't contain fear, the inner monologue did reveal the fact that Luke's not a stranger to disappointment ("Yeah, right, you never keep your promises.") and caution ("The boy looked around, hoping the Stormtroopers were not watching. [italics] Maybe I can break away and get some water at that cantina over there. No one seems to be ar--" [italics]).

(This isn't directly related to characterization, but I do want to add that I really loved how Luke's thoughts smoothly turned into actions, e.g. "[italics] Sand People, Jawa, ooh, that's a Wookiee. I'm sure it is. But what's that? [italics] He tugged on his aunt's sleeve, but she put her finger to his mouth". It really shows his train of thought.)

When it comes to the dialogue, my favorite part would have to be how you used spoken words to create distance between characters. The first example of this is, of couse, the way Uncle Owen spoke to Luke throughout the chapter (e.g. "Luke, remember, no wandering off. Stay close to your aunt and me at all times. And keep your mouth shut. Do you hear me?"). The second example would have to be the interaction between Uncle Owen and the clerk. Though you mention that the "man's voice shook with weariness", there's no real emotion in the way he questions Luke's uncle (e.g. "Name?", "Date of birth?", "Residence?")--no connection to the fact that he's interviewing a human being, which (as I mentioned in an inline comment) shows how many times he's repeated these questions. This immediately creates distance between them, which works incredibly well with the way the Stormtroopers were treating people in the previous scene.

Going back to the inner monologue, though, there's one last thing I need to discuss, and it's the way Vader's thoughts were written. While Luke's thoughts were italicized, Vader's simply flowed with the rest of the text ("Vader looked at the boy through his red lenses. The eyes. Those eyes are mine."). Like I said in one of my comments, it created the feeling of him completely seizing the narration, which naturally works with the power he possesses. (Perhaps I'm reading too much into it haha!)

I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, and I'm definitely planning on reading more. Great, great work!

Network with this Winner: reaweiger

She delved deeply into the chapter, exploring themes and writing style. I loved her comments and the way she phrased them.

First runner-up: MichaelHoliday

He attacked the piece like a true fan of the Star Wars universe. As a rookie to Alternate Universe, he had some very interesting observations that I found valuable to the improvement of the story.

Second runner-up: shellyxleonn

She gets the fangirl-of-the-year awards. Her comments were a delight to read. I really loved the fact that she saw what I was doing with the story and which direction I might take it. She even gave me some thoughts to take it a different direction.

Honorable mentions: JimInfantino

Final author's note:

First, a big thank you to my fellow board members who work many hours each week to pull off NBR as the best review circle on Wattpad.

This was a very different round from my last few rounds, because I took my questions in a unique direction. I specifically asked a question that would require you to analyze the text instead of edit it. Most of you were able to turn off your inner editors. I thank you very much for that. I hope the meta analysis was a fun exercise that mixed up the typical question format. I actually learned a lot from your reactions at certain points and lack of reactions at other points-or, in a few cases, when you forgot to react because you were caught up in the story.

In a few weeks, I will spotlight another chapter for this book for my Triple Crown spotlight. Those of you who enjoyed the chapter might want to read Chapter 1, as well as Chapters 4-6 before then. Thanks again for all your comments.

Author #2: ReneeShantel

Book: Lost

Genre: General Fiction

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/447793750-lost-chapter-one

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Gore Level: None

Summary: Rock star Zachary Bennett has just learned he is father to fifteen-year-old twins Lysander and Dakota. As if this isn't already complicated enough, they've just lost their mother, Dakota is missing, and Lysander is none too pleased about having to leave his home-and his sister-behind in favour of moving to California. Zacky is determined to prove that he can be the father these kids need, but dealing with a boy who feels that he's lost his entire world was never going to be easy.

Author's Note: I am thinking about trying to get this traditionally published in the future, so any advice, criticism, or general feedback you may have is entirely welcome. Please also be advised that I have used single quotation marks in place of doubles for dialogue. I realise this can get confusing, and I apologise in advance.

Questions:

1. I've had a couple of readers say the story isn't all that original. Do you feel that the plot is too cliché and/or predictable? What do you think is going to happen in future chapters?

2. Did you connect with the protagonist? Did you find his reactions to be realistic? How would you have improved this?

Winning Comment:

#NBR CT: This is a great first chapter. It sets up the drama well, and nicely introduces the supporting male characters. Georgia seems to be the only woman here, and we can only guess at the pertinent aspects of her character from the man's point of view. I wonder if there is some small detail about her you could introduce here that is not dependent on her relationship to him. It's not entirely necessary, but it could better draw us to her. I love how the other bandmates are set up, I want to know them all better. I was engaged from the start and throughout.

One suggestion I have is to try taking us through the reveal at the end of this chapter. We don't need to wonder what he is going to say to Georgia, we already know, so the dramatic hit is not in what he will say, but in her reaction. I'm not sure how it goes in later chapters but if he tells her what he knows, and we have to read the next chapter to see what she will say, it might push us forward better.

#NBR Q1: In my opinion, nothing is cliché unless it is poorly written. This is not poorly written by any stretch of the imagination, so it is in no danger of being cliché. These things really happen in real life and they are hard to write about accurately and with the right amount of empathy from the surprise father's point of view. It is ugly what the mind does when one way of life is gone and a new one begins. I think you show that expertly.

I imagine two immediate possibilities for the upcoming chapters. One is that he tells her and she freaks out. The other is that he tries to find a way not to tell her. I can't imagine a scenario where he tells her and she is fine with it, unless she is a Zen master. With regards to his relationship with his son, I can only imagine that things will have a rocky start. The question of who this 15 year old is, is the real drama.

#NBR Q2: I strongly connect with the protagonist, alternately understanding his mindset, and wishing he was not so selfish. I was once in the room when my friend announced to her husband that she was pregnant. His first response was "I need a beer." Wrong answer. You could hear the whistle of the divorce train coming from miles away. So, what you describe is heartbreakingly realistic in my experience.

This is brave writing. I would only explore the effects of so much bourbon on his cognitive functioning. I understand that it is also mixed with adrenaline, but the amount might be too much unless he is a raging alcoholic. That pulled me out slightly, and it is a small quibble. Otherwise - very well written. Good on you.

[INLINE 1] This is a wonderful first sentence, set apart as it's own paragraph, and setting up the drama of the book nicely. So simple, I wish I had thought of it!

[INLINE 2] There is a cultural note here that you are playing. By referring to Jack Daniels as Jack, we get a sense that this man still lives in a bit of a collegiate or high school mindset, or else has a southern-style familiarity with the drink, in order to shorten the name because of regular use. Just pointing that out, in case it does or doesn't fit his character.

[INLINE 3] Familiarity confirmed. Jack, it is.

[INLINE 4] Nice turn of the screw. I did not see that coming.

[INLINE 5] This is nicely done and feels really accurate from a guy's point of view. This is a uniquely Male predicament. My friend Christine, a singer songwriter always jokes from the stage "I don't have any kids ... that I Know of," Which is a joke a man cannot tell.

[INLINE 6] This is excellent and intriguing. I want to know more about all of these band mates now, their ages, their experiences. The desire to know more about supporting characters is so key to a narrative. Well done.

[INLINE 7] Small comment: he either has super human tolerance to booze, or you might want to mention the effects of what would at minimum be 8 shots of whisky hitting his bloodstream. Clearing away bottles could be difficult, as could some of his higher brain function thoughts in the preceding paragraph. There he makes the leap to protective services coming to check on him through what would be a lot of alcohol hitting his brain.

Network with this Winner: JimInfantino

I found each of your suggestions to be incredibly helpful. Oftentimes when I read comments I get from book clubs I find myself dismissing 95% of the suggestions, either because I don't agree or they don't fit the story, but every suggestion you made had me nodding my head and thinking, "Yep, he's right." Thank you for also posing some of those suggestions almost as after-thoughts. I didn't miss them!

First runner-up: ericdabbs

Much like @JimInfantino I found your suggestions to be highly helpful, and they made me think about adding scenes I had never considered before. You've given me more work to do than I expected, but I can tell it will be good in the long run. So thank you!

Second runner-up: Miss_Guided01

I think you're the person who left the most inline comments, and every single one of them is useful to me. There are so many corrections that you've suggested that I'm going to make, so thank you for pointing them out!

Honorable mentions: reaweiger

Final author's note:

@IWJKeller -- you would have placed if you were eligible. Thank you for your amazing review, and welcome to the NBR! @HardeeBurger -- hands down, you left the most entertaining review I think I'll ever receive. Thank you for making my day! @reaweiger -- thank you for siding with me in the single-quotation-marks debate!

And thank you to the NBR team for giving me this opportunity. I got more out of the Spotlight than I ever would have expected! (Sidenote: I also didn't believe people when they said choosing a winner would be so difficult!)

Author #1: Cocosghost

Book: Ghost

Genre: Paranormal Romance

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1: Cover Girl

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/443700839-ghost-a-paranormal-romance-part-1-cover-gir

Chapter Rating: Non-Mature

Gore Level: None

Summary: Frizzy haired and overweight, sixteen-year-old Elizabeth Summers has an undeveloped psychic ability allowing her to hear ghosts. Uncomfortable because her mother suffered a mental breakdown from being psychic, Elizabeth constantly represses her abilities although they're an integral part of her identity. Yearning to be a normal girl with friends, she doesn't disclose her paranormal experiences to anyone.

Hoping to be less bullied at her school and more socially accepted, she starts jogging every day to slim herself down. Self-conscious about her body, she exercises at a remote, shaded cemetery park.

While running there, she has a dangerous encounter with a stranger at the cemetery, and a second unexpected one with the school musician, Dylan Grant. The incident triggers a string of ghostly encounters for Elizabeth as well as an unlikely relationship with the handsome, enigmatic loner.

Author's Note: I would like to sincerely thank NBR for this wonderful Spotlight opportunity! I also would like to thank the Wattpad community members who are an invaluable source in learning the alchemy of writing. Although it's not fully reflected in the Spotlight chapter, I tried to add a neurotic, comedic element of "Adrian Monk" to the main character.

Questions:

1. Chapter 1 introduces the main character, Elizabeth Summers, to the reader with a breezy stream of self deprecating thoughts. Would sharing a deeper aspect of Elizabeth's inner conflict about being psychic entice the reader to move on to chapter 2? Her main conflict about being psychic is the ability drove her mother insane, so her own psychic experiences sometimes frighten her.

2. Should action and scenery descriptions in chapter 1 be streamlined to increase tension and try to heighten suspense? In other words, is chapter 1 boring because there's too much description of scenery and inner character reflection?

3. Should the first dramatic hook, an actual ghost encounter which happens in chapter 2, be consolidated into chapter 1?

Winning Comment:

Welcome to the spotlight. I enjoyed reading your chapter. Your work displays an excellent grasp of character and I was with Elizabeth the entire way through. In fact, I find the work at its best as it dives into Elizabeth's thoughts and inner conflicts. Albeit, as the plot of this chapter really isolates down to Elizabeth running and taking a shortcut through the cemetery where she discovers she is not alone, the meat of it would have to be in her head, but as you might see from my own work, I love being in a narrator's mind.

I'll jump into each of your questions and the comment topic, momentarily, but I also like to provide at least one overall note regarding areas for potential revision. With this chapter, my main suggestion would be to streamline some of the descriptions. By this, I don't mean that you need to take out any of the descriptions per se, but perhaps look through and remove some of the adjectives. In general I find it best to isolate down to the most critical descriptors for the story - i.e., does it contribute to plot, inner conflict, tone, etc. If not, then the descriptors can be considered for elimination.

For instance, there's a great description of Elizabeth running:

"Overhead, the limbs of oak trees provide shade from the hazy afternoon sunlight, but without a hint of breeze, the air feels suffocating and hot. Underfoot, shimmering asphalt retains so much ambient heat, little chunks of black tar Velcro onto the bottom of my white running shoes. Every step feels exhausting and sticky, as if I'm pulling my feet out of wet, sucking quicksand."

Overall (2 of 2)

There are a few descriptors here that might not fit the above criteria. Oak could go either way. Specificity helps world-building, but it may not be critical that the trees are oaks. Suffocating and hot seem redundant, especially in the larger context, so one might could be trimmed. Tar is usually black, so black may not be necessary. Running shoes here is an important detail and provided specificity, but unless Elizabeth is worrying about how the tar is staining her shoes, the white color is less important. Finally quicksand is usually wet and known for its sucking grip, so those descriptors might also be unnecessary. Weighing those thoughts, the paragraph could potentially be shortened to:

"Overhead, [tree limbs] provide (or the limbs of oak trees) shade from the hazy afternoon sunlight, but without a hint of breeze, the air feels suffocating[.] Underfoot, shimmering asphalt retains so much ambient heat, little chunks [of tar] Velcro onto the bottom of [my running shoes.] Every step feels exhausting and sticky, as if I'm pulling my feet out [of quicksand.]"

Anyway, this is a really a minor note, but eliminating extra adjectives and adverbs could potentially speed up the descriptions allowing them to focus more closely in on the most important details. Again, I enjoyed reading the chapter, and I look forward to diving into more detail now.

CT (1 of 1)
I can't say that I ever found myself skimming or getting bogged down, but as I was also reading with a critical eye I'm not entirely certain that is an accurate reflection. What I do know is that I was engaged by Elizabeth herself. What I mean by this is that where the descriptions and narrative focused closest on her, her thoughts, and her perception of the world around her, I was hooked. On the other hand, where the narrative focused on the world at large and less on how Elizabeth related to that world, I felt less engaged.

For instance, the opening is very much description and while it doesn't lose me, there is a noticeable uptick in my engagement when I reach the paragraph about imagining herself as a "lumbering elephant." This follows with three paragraphs relating Elizabeth and her desire to look like the red-headed model. This was probably my peak engagement in the story as it was the most reflective of the characters inner conflict. From there I shifted back down, still engaged, but not perhaps at the same level, until I reached the paragraph on Katherine Stanford. The specificity of the fallout, along with the intrigue of her death pulled me right back in. From here on, I was firmly rooted into the story.

Q1 (1 of 2)

I'm torn on this one. The short answer is yes, yes, adding a deeper reflection into Elizabeth's inner conflict about being psychic would definitely entice a reader to continue on to Chapter 2. Not only would this provide a stronger grab by smashing the reader over the head with the lead's psychic abilities, but it would also ground the work more solidly into the genre.

That said, I think the integration of that conflict would have to be carefully handled. This should not be an either or proposition, i.e., the current conflicts and action of the chapter need not be supplanted by the psychic conflict. I find it much better to ground a reader into a character before introducing supernatural elements (which admittedly might be a personal preference) as you have already done, and done well. The key here might be to extend the last segment of the chapter, within the cemetery, where Elizabeth's psychic powers are naturally manifesting. This would be the logical place for the reader to learn of her psychic powers (as they currently do) and for them to be expanded upon, as the triggering of those powers might cause Elizabeth to ruminate on her history with them.

Q1 (2 of 2)

For instance, currently the story segues from "The sounds don't bother me since, from an early age, I've learned how to block the departed from my mind" directly to "Besides this paranormal chatter, the park is peaceful, still, and eerily quiet." As a reader, at this point the narrative has confirmed for me that the narrator is psychic and can hear dead people, and I have become firmly intrigued by this development. Then the narrative shifts immediately to how peaceful the park is at that moment. As important as that is, I find myself wanting to know more about her speaking with dead people, even if only a few sentences or paragraphs.

With that being the case, I feel confident that inserting some of Elizabeth's psychic dilemma at this point in the story structure would inevitably increase the likelihood of a reader (especially a reader interested in the paranormal) continuing on to the second chapter.

Q2
First off, I want to be very clear on this point. Your first chapter is not, I repeat, not boring.

Please don't start revisions with this assumption as I fear it will hurt the strengths that are already in place. You have a strong character with real internal conflict, the beginning of a paranormal premise, and hints at larger intrigue with the death of Katherine Sandford. That is a great start.

That said, can the chapter be improved by reducing description of scenery and inner character reflection? Yes and no. I think that the descriptions can be streamlined, primarily as per my overall comment on eliminating unnecessary adjectives and/or adverbs. Beyond that, I do not feel that I would recommend removing any of the events or scenery being described. Elimination of repetitive words or concepts could also be useful.

For instance, the opening three paragraphs put a heavy emphasis on sweat and heat. With that being the case, the opening of the fourth paragraph ("Sweating profusely") could be cut, leaving the segment starting instead with "I imagine myself as a lumbering..."

Q2 (2 of 2)

Now, as for the inner character reflections, I don't want to see them cut at all. Those reflections, those are what kept me as a reader engaged. They grounded me into Elizabeth's psyche, connected me to her as a character, and left me rooting for her. They achieve their role in the story, and I think do very little to reduce tension and/or suspense.

If the goal is heightening suspense, the narrative needs to add additional hints of danger, rather than take away from established tone and character. Perhaps as she is approaching the cemetery Elizabeth could hear the first hints of whispers, which increase as she reaches the cemetery itself. The words or mood created by the whispers could create a sense of tension for the reader if they hint at danger, only for us to be given a moment of relief when we find out that Elizabeth can hear the dead and is safe after all. Then of course, when we realize she is not alone, the sense of danger could come flooding back in.

Q3 (1 of 1)

This question is impossible to answer. No matter what, such a decision will always be subjective. Would bringing that encounter into chapter 1 increase engagement? Likely. Would it further ground the reader in the supernatural elements of the story? Yes, definitely. Would it improve the story? I honestly don't know. The question is should it be consolidated into chapter 1. If that consolidation truncates it, or alters the fabric of chapter 1, it might not be an improvement. If it reduces the focus on Elizabeth and her body image issues, then I don't recommend it.

As you've mentioned the dramatic hook, I wonder if perhaps you are looking to find a critical moment to seize reader interest. Personally I am a fan of the end chapter cliffhanger. This could be used in multiple ways to give the story a dramatic hook. As is, the cliffhanger is that she is not alone in the park. Strengthening that moment could create a perfectly reasonable hook. We have already been told that she can speak to the dead - or at least hear the dead - so perhaps if there is a voice speaking to her in that moment, some premonition of danger associating with not being alone, that in itself could be the hook.

Otherwise, the first ghost encounter could be triggered at the end of the chapter, I.e., Elizabeth sees the ghost, but the moment she sees it the chapter cuts, and the bulk of the encounter is left for chapter 2. That would definitely have me turning the page and jumping in to the remainder of the work.

Either way, whatever solution you take, this will be a highly personal matter. For me, I think the key to getting that hook will be finding some way to increase the stress on the potential danger to Elizabeth and/or revealing her psychic connections.

Thanks so much for sharing your story.

Network with this Winner: ChristopherOpyr

I chose this as the winning review because Christopher advised me to focus on the main character's inner conflict to keep readers engaged. He also specified an incident (a murder victim is introduced) in the chapter where his own reader engagement increased. I inferred from his suggestions, that the incident could be brought to the forefront while the extra descriptions streamlined to strengthen the chapter's engagement with the reader. I also liked the positive vibe of his review. I felt as if a calm guiding hand was gently pointing out sections to edit with actual excerpts from the story to guide me as much as possible.

First runner-up: Shellyxleonn

She gave me a wonderful suggestion which I felt will increase the chapter's tension without a significant structural plot change.

Second runner-up: Jeff_bond

Jeff beautifully surmised what makes this story unique, and also what potentially keeps a reader engaged, "this double edged paranormal ability of hers, and the backstory with her mom". He helped me realize I have to additionally foreshadow and develop this inner conflict to maintain reader engagement.

Honorable mentions: TomoeTellez

Final author's note:

During the Spotlight, I received a gold mine of data and guidance from the insightful reviews. Enlightened by different viewpoints, I experienced many "Eureka" moments which helped me to clarify how I could improve Ghost. I humbly learned something invaluable from every review, especially regarding 1st point of view from @mezblume. It was extremely difficult to select a winner for this Spotlight. I would like to sincerely thank everyone for taking time out of their busy holiday schedule to provide their wonderful input!

Author #2: BuzzingQuill

Book: Safe

Genre: Romance

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Chapter Link: https://my.w.tt/UiNb/zHzlqpmaWH

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Gore Level: None

Summary: Since this is the first chapters here isn't much you need to know other than that, Jamie, the protagonist is an overworked employee at a job she shares no passion for. Jamie is a fresh university graduate who expected writing jobs to fall at her feet, but due to the recent crime outbreak in London and its dwindling economy Jamie's dreams fall flat.

Author's Note: The prospect of getting spotlighted is equally daunting as it is exciting. Thank you to NBR for giving me this opportunity to share my work and receive invaluable feedback from NBR Reviewers.

Questions:

1. Due to me setting up the for the plot of the story in this chapter, the chapter is more action based which leaves me to wonder how does this affect the reader's ability to be invested in my protagonist, Jamie?

2. What do you think about the pacing of this chapter and how does it affect your engagement as a reader?

3. I've gotten many comments about my vocabulary saying that it doesn't really fit in with the romance genre, what is your opinion on that and how does it affect the overall narrative?

Winning Comment:

Overall (1 of 2)

The opening chapter of Safe serves a lot of purposes. It introduces us, the readers, to the lead character of Jamie; it sets the tone and mood, in particular one of dread and fear; and it establishes the overarching threat of the novel, which appears no doubt to be the danger of the Brennan Brothers and their crime spree through London in which Jamie will become inevitably entangled. At all tasks it succeeds, yet perhaps none more so than in how it effectively establishes the mood and tone.

Opening on a dark, London night between 12:28 and 1 am with a woman sitting alone on a bus bench, there is immediately a tension evoked that goes well beyond the tension currently plaguing the overworked Jamie. As readers, we fear for her safety alone at night in a big city. Add in her sleep-deprived state and less that fully functioning faculties due to that same sleep deprivation and that fear is palpable. In the opening moments the narrative coasts on this established tension, allowing the reader to breathe as Jamie is slowly introduced, but we are not allowed to rest long before the threat of danger and violence is made all the more explicit. Well done.

If mood is its greatest strength, the area that might best benefit from minor revisions for this reader is the sentence structure. Many have spoken about the vocabulary used, but the vocabulary for me is not so much of a hindrance as the structures within which it is presented. For instance, in the first paragraph we find this sentence:

"But alas, her eyes surrendered; their laudable efforts succumbed to the laborious day endured by her."

#NBR
Overall (2 of 2)

Some have mentioned taking issue with words such as alas, laudable. or laborious. These do not in of themselves bother me. In fact, I find the sentence construction, 'But alas, her eyes surrendered" quite beautiful. The second half of the sentence, however, runs into complications. The eyes succumbed, or eyelids, not their efforts. Their efforts failed. Additionally "laborious day endured by her" just seems off in its construction. I cannot imagine it being spoken in this manner.

However, some minor revisions in presentation could allow for very little change in the vocabulary used, maintains the style while easing the read. For example, one might write that same sentence as follows:

"But alas, her eyes surrendered; [their laudable efforts failing as they] succumbed to the [labors of the day.]"

I'll go into this in more depth in my response to question 3, but please don't fret. It is a matter of taste, and even if the language is revised, it could be done with simple adjustments like those above. Overall, as I've said, the narrative has a great opening, with a strong mood and good tension. Bravo!

And on to the comment topic.
Reply

CT (1 of 2)

The chapter was a bit of a roller coaster engagement wise, but I choose to find this as illustrative of its strengths. The tension discussed in my overall response above had me immediately situated within Jamie's plight. With that grounding, the narrative focuses momentarily on Jamie's backstory - her relationship with Liam, her dead end job, her lost dreams - before pivoting to the dangers lurking in present London. During this interlude, as we the audience pivot into backstory, there can be some loss of engagement, but it is minimal.

As dangers are presented with the headlines of the Brennan Brothers, with Jamie's knowledge that she shouldn't be out, the stranger grabbing her and warning her to leave (that I shall assume in the fourth Brennan brother and potential love interest), to the spotting of the Brennan brothers executing a pair of policemen, reader engagement continues to be grabbed. Even the overall construction of the narrative lends itself to reader engagement, striking a fine balance between description, inner monologue, and external action and/or dialogue.
Reply

CT (2 of 2)

The one aspect of the story that occasionally diminished my engagement was the language itself, which as mentioned before seemed more from a matter of sentence presentation than from the word-choice. For instance there is a phrase used late in the chapter after Jamie has been provided a warning from the stranger near the alley that has in and of itself no particularly difficult words, but whose presentation can seem slightly off kilter.

"She followed the pavement to her apartment, which luckily for her, wasn't too far away."

The expression followed the pavement seems odd. I would assume it means she walked along the sidewalk towards her apartment, but do find myself momentarily pulled from the story as I contemplate the wording. Perhaps something along the lines of:

"She [hurried towards her apartment, which,] luckily for her, wasn''t too far away."

All this is to say that the story construction, tone, mood, and action all lend themselves to reader engagement and with some minor revisions to the wording, the chapter could shine all the more. On to the questions...
Reply

Q1 (1 of 1)

Due to me setting up the for the plot of the story in this chapter, the chapter is more action based which leaves me to wonder how does this affect the reader's ability to be invested in my protagonist, Jamie?

There is a balance struck here between action and investment. The focus on action (and I would say mood) allows for a great engagement of your reader that a deeper focus on Jamie, her backstory, and her character might diminish. It could be done, but it would need to be minor so as to not interfere with the balance already struck.

Her plight has the audience immediately invested. A woman alone at night in a big city, let alone a big city in a crime spree, draws immediate audience sympathy. Her exhaustion and her dead end job both make Jamie relatable, and her care for the impact of her choices on Liam make her all the more sympathetic. That said, I did find myself wondering why she was out so late, though my suspicion is that it was merely due to a closing shift at work. Perhaps that could be clarified which would further increase audience sympathy.

All that being the case, is audience investment hampered? My knowledge of Jamie is minimal, and I would definitely need to know more and soon, but I think the danger in which she finds herself is enough to keep me back for another chapter, and thus sufficient as long as further details are expanded upon in the coming pages.
Reply

Q2 (1 of 1)

I don't really want to beat a dead horse here. As I've said the mood of the narrative is superlative and the balance between action, description, and inner monologue is spot on. All of this creates intense engagement and thus leaves me with no problems with pacing. The story moves at a good clip and the only impediment to the forward momentum of the reader are the occasional odd sentence constructions.
Reply

Q3 (1 of 2)

I cannot speak to the vocabulary's appropriateness to the romance genre as this is a genre with which I am unfamiliar. That said, I can address the issue from a general reader's perspective. So, beating another dead horse, I do not find the vocabulary to be an impediment to reading so much as the occasional sentence construction. I have provided a couple of examples already, but will provide a few more here for additional clarity.

"...even though waking up every morning had become a dreadful task befallen on her." The phrase 'befallen on her' seems unnecessary and slightly redundant.

"Jamie was a lot of things, but selfish wasn't one of them and if she had chosen not to dive into the first window that presented itself, selfish is what she would have become." This is a run-on sentence with an odd turn of the tongue to boot. I'm not sure about the phrase 'dive into the first window that presented itself,' though I assume it is related to a window of opportunity or opportunity knocking at the door. I would consider breaking the sentence into two and rephrasing the statement to better reflect a more common colloquial. Perhaps:

"Jamie was a lot of things, but selfish wasn't one of them[. If] she had chosen to [ignore the first knock of opportunity] that presented itself, [however, it would have been the ultimate act of selfishness.]"
Reply

Q3 (2 of 2)

Another example:
"Her eyes searched for light along the dead streets, her thoughts were lost in the frightening silence as she dragged her half asleep body along the pavement."

Here there is just a matter two separate thoughts oddly joined. There are a couple of really simple solutions. The comma could be replaced by a semicolon for two independently complete thoughts that are intrinsically linked. Another solution, the first phrase could be changed to read "Her eyes searching for light along the dead streets," allowing it to flow into the next as part of one sentence. Finally, the two thoughts could be joined with a 'but,' i.e., "Her eyes searched for light along the dead streets, but her thoughts were lost..."

I've listed a few other examples in line, but if you would like any additional examples, please let me know. I'm happy to help.

Network with this winner: ChristopherOpyr

Where do I begin? With the detailed review of how you felt throughout the story as well as revisions and suggestions on how to improve pointed out in several in-line comments, it was hard not to pick you as one of my top reviewers. The amount of thought and effort you've put in your reviews astonishes me.

First runner-up: AhsokaJackson

Your response was incredible, I loved the way you pointed out my errors and possible points of improvements with explanations as to why it doesn't work as well as many different approaches to the way it could be changed. I also immensely appreciate that you were able to link many articles so that I could get a deeper understanding of what exactly my problem was and how it can be solved for future use.

Second runner-up: Painebook

With your exceptionally detailed in-line comments that pointed out errors as well as corrected them for me, which in its own is great, but you also suggested ways to improve the writing itself and provided me with many ideas for future re-writes.

Honorable mentions: ZonderZorg

Final author's note:

Wow, what a week! I was so incredibly nervous from the days leading up to the spotlight, because I've had the pleasure of sampling so many incredible pieces of writing that putting my work out there to such a talented group of individuals was a daunting notion. But during my spotlight, I realized why NBR is such an amazing community? Aside from the incredible organisation upheld by the NBR board that keeps the community motivated and productive,the community itself is phenomenal. While I receive tough critiques it all came out as constructive criticism that came with the intentions of helping a fellow author to improve on a trade that they love so much. So thank you NBR and all its members!

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