COMMENTING TIME FRAME:

Friday, February 9, 2018 - Sunday, February 18, 2018 11:59 PM (CST)

MODERATOR: VeilofPetals

Comment Topic: Name the internal and external conflict of the chapter and how well the author developed tension with them.

Author #1: avadel

Book: Of Caverns and Casters: Book One of The Outcast Six Saga

Genre: Fantasy

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4 - Sean

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/401356336-of-caverns-and-casters-book-one-of-the-outcast-six 

Chapter Rating: G

Gore Level: None

Summary:

This book is written in first-person, multiple POV. Two of the main characters, Sean and Livi, are scientists from a steampunk-esque civilization. The story begins with them escaping Alexis, an underground city where a plague had broken out. They have stopped to quarantine themselves in a small cave for a few days so that they can test to make sure they aren't carriers before they venture topside (if you like, see the last five paragraphs of "Chapter 3 - Livi" for a description of the cave they're in). Sean hails from one of the topside towns, which are often considered to be technologically backwards compared to their underground counterpart. Livi, on the other hand, grew up in Alexandria, the hub of the scientific world. Prior to the plague, they worked together for a few months in Alexis, and while both geniuses, refuse to admit that either's ideas have any merit.

Author's Note:

Hi, everyone! We are super-psyched to get to hear all of your opinions. We ask that you keep in mind that this is our first draft, but we are working hard to hopefully publish on Amazon soon, so we are by no means asking you to take it easy on us! (=

Also, quick note: We purposely misformat numbers in the Sean chapters. Of course you are more than welcome to comment about it, but we are aware that it is technically incorrect. (=

Questions: 

1. In this chapter, we mention some made-up substances for Sean to use when discussing the river water, but these never come up in the story again. Are they confusing and/or do you think they should even be included?

2. This chapter shows Livi and Sean at possibly their pettiest. How much of a turn-off is that, and what are your first impressions of their characters? (If you read the extra chapters before this, would you mind paying special attention to this question?)

3. We've been told that Sean chapters often don't have enough description. Do you see anywhere that we could flesh the scene out a little more?  

Winning Comment:

 Inline: Like everyone else, I'd suggest taking out all the extra clacks. Maybe four clacks before the "I type", and four after.

I'd suggest the "squi-plat" sound be in a separate line before this paragraph. That would make Sean seem as if he was more startled.

Since the next line says, "I glance up from the device" and this line suggests he's already looking at her, I'd rephrase the last sentence to a different sense - sound, perhaps. "I heard the sound of her shuffling as she sat up. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her shielding her eyes from the glow of the typifier. "What are you doing, Sean?" she asks."

I'd suggest a rephrase of the dialogue tag - "I just thought it'd be fun to fiddle with," I deadpan, quirking an eyebrow.

Essay: Hello there ! Congratulations on your spotlight! Hope I can help you with your questions, and before that, I love the 'pettiness' – your words, not mine! – in Sean and Rivierre. They won't admit to the fact that they care about each other, but I will. I have high hopes for them. Anyway, without further delay -

CT : The external conflict was pretty out there; Sean and Rivierre (what a gorgeous name, though) arguing over that sample. Rivierre is skeptical about Sean tasting that, and for 'safety' reasons, she doesn't want him to. That being set aside, the internal conflict was harder to pick up. I could say that we could have seen more of an internal conflict in Sean. I assume that there was some part of him that was battling with his own self-esteem ("you'll never make it anywhere, you idiot, failiure - " and "What are you thinking? You can't do anything. You're gonna be here forever, you worthless - "). That person from his past has obviously tampered with his belief in his own capabilities, and whenever he takes a risky step, he'll be reminded of that someone discouraging him. With that internal conflict in Sean, I think we could adjoin his own voice doubting his capabilities too.

I'd like to see him argue with Rivierre that the sample won't do him any harm. She argues back. She says it could hurt him. He argues that he knows what he is doing – after al, he knows more about the subject than her. And just then, that 'voice from the past' repeats in his brain. And he's reminded how he was potentially 'worthless' to someone. And then for a moment there, expose him. Make him feel as if he doubts himself. Make him look back at Rivierre and make him ask himself – what if she's right? What if I'm wrong? – use that mysterious internal dialogue to create a sense of doubt in himself – and then let the Sassy Sean kick back in. And go on with the argument.

I love to see internal conflict in a character. I love seeing that split moment when they're vulnerable and think so low about themselves, that for that moment there, they lose all faith in them. In the chapter, we only heard 'that voice'. I'd like to see how it makes him 'feel'.

Ques 1 :

Here's a question which boils me down to give the same answer : Don't use anything in the chapter if its not pivotal to the story. I've told this to many, many writers when they think some details are overbearing, and I've always said the same thing, if it doesn't add to the character or the plot, it can very well be left.

But then with this chapter, there's the thing – its only five words. Five words don't make anything overbearing. And the context in which they were used, to simply point out that Sean knows what these substances are, only lends to the fact that he's knowledgeable of what he's doing. This is a fantasy, sci-fi setting, and all works of the genre are full of make-believe words every here and there. So it's not a problem. After all, how many times did we read some strange, unpronounceable spell in the Harry Potter series that NEVER surfaced again? It's just there. Words like these impart a color to the genre, a sense of the genre, and to bring out the characteristics and the eseence of the setting, more often than not, they're important, without being important to the story.

Taking them away will take away the sci-fi elements that build up the color and vibrancy of the genre.

My advice? Keep them.

Ques 2 :

It's not petty. It's character development, right here. They were both acting like idiots, not learned scientists, and that, I attribute to the fact that they both deeply care about each other, even though they're using their sass and self-confidence to hide that. Typical.

Their argument at times, may be illogical, and you can practically see Sean only sticking with his argument because Rivierre is contradicting it. He's not arguing because he's right, or because he thinks he is or knows he is, he's arguing because he doesn't want Rivierre to think he doesn't know what he's doing. And even though that's petty in dialogue and all, it suggest something deeper. He has a fear of not being right or capable of something – like that 'mysterious voice' keeps reminding him – and that 'fear' supercedes his logic. That isn't petty – that's revelation of a major trait of the character. I may be getting it all wrong, but that's how I interpreted this. Feel free to correct me if I'm getting it all wrong.

Ques 3 :

I found myself craving more description in this chapter. I guess the lack of description in Sean's point of view can be attributed to writing in the opposite sex's viewpoint. I suffer with the same problem. And while we think that guys perceive a lot less details than we do (which is true, definitely), they perceive much more than we expect. Especially when it comes to girls. In the situation that Sean is in – alone with a girl and his scientific equipment, when he's not concentrating on the vial and the sample, make him focus his full attention on Rivierre. When they start arguing, make him notice every single movement of hers.

Here's some things you could include in between –

Does she cross her arms when she's disagreeing? Does she argue with her fists clenched? Do her eyes keep flickering to the sample in his hand? What is she wearing? And how is it different from what he's wearing? How much light is there in the cave? How does it affect his ability to see the sample and work on it? What does her voice sound like? Bubbly and angry, full of sass? Or is her voice hoarse and firm, leaving no space for argument? What does his voice sound like? Does she bite down on the inside of her cheek or her lip just like Sean clenches his jaw? Does she have some nervous tick like bouncing her leg or scratching her head? And when he senses concern in her eyes, does her expression soften?

There could be other details like the surroundings – is it cold in the cave, or is it warm enough that he has to wipe his sweat every now and then? If it's just perfect, let him acknowledge it for a moment when he's doing his work. What does it smell like? How dark is it (I think I've already mentioned that)?

Little things, it's always the little things. Guys don't look the part, but they're very perceptive when it comes to one girl – in which case, we have an abundance of :)

All in all, I really love the interaction between these two, and the underlying (*wiggles eyebrows*) tension between them. I look forward to reading this book once my queue is cleared. If you have any follow-up questions, feel free to ask :)

Network with this Winner: Casparita She provided the best response to our first question, something we were really struggling with, by using clear examples and arguments that resonated with us. She also gave us an entirely new outlook to writing chapters from Sean's perspective, telling us what we should focus on describing and ways we could do that. On top of that, she showed us a way to increase the conflict in this chapter, and it's a valuable technique we can reuse. Most importantly, though, she was polite, professional, and really seemed to *get* our chapter, giving her critiques and advice weight.

First runner-up: Ickyrus She was polite, funny, and enthusiastic, even when we pestered her with follow-up questions. She also took the time to read the preceding chapters, giving her a better scope to answer our questions. The biggest reason she deserves first runner-up, though, is that she gave us excellent, in-depth, and specific scientific advice, which will allow us to improve the credibility of our characters.

Second runner-up: reaweiger She was extremely nice, giving us the bit of reassurance that we needed amidst the whirlwind of critiques. She was also analytical, backing up all her assertions with textual evidence. And though she was kind, she didn't just tell us it was good. Where it mattered, she also cared enough to tell us what she thought we could fix, why, and how, all while staying upbeat and friendly.

Honorable mentions: amymarshmallow

Final author's note: This process was actually more stressful than we expected, and we want to give a huge thank you to everyone who stayed polite and positive! You guys helped us keep our heads even when you disagreed with us. We look forward to implementing the great advice we received with all of your helpful compliments tucked into our back pocket for when we have moments of doubt. NBR rocks, and you guys are what makes it work! Thanks for letting us be part of this awesome community.

Happy reading, writing, reviewing, and whatever else! Have a fantastic day. (=

TRIPLE CROWN ROUND

Author #2: SapphireAlena

Book: Fresh Start

Genre: General Fiction

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/529021172-fresh-start-chapter-1

Chapter Rating: G

Gore Level: None

Summary:

Freshman year promised a fresh start for Lucy Denholm. Whisking her away from her drunken, abusive parents, her scholarship to one of the country's top theater arts schools is a gift from above. Not flinching, Lucy steps out of her dysfunctional comfort zone into the splendor of academia. Dealing with an incompatible roommate, drowning under hours of studying, and defending herself from unwanted advances, follow Lucy as a new friend breaks through her walls and shows her that love can truly make life better.

Author's Note:

I have finally started my original fic. Don't expect the tropes of the New Adult Romance genre, as my goal is to turn the tropes upside down. Feel free to give me an edit this time.

Questions:

1. Would you read further? Why or why not?

2. I have been perusing some different published stories in this genre. Many do not describe much about the environment. It's just: "I went back to the dorm." "I was sitting in class." It allows the reader to impose their own imagination on the scene. With that being the favored technique for the new adult genre, would you add or subtract from the description in this chapter?

3. Which twin do you like better and why?

Winning Comment: 

[Part 1]

Congratulations on another well-deserved spotlight, @SapphireAlena ! I've only encountered your Star Wars fanfiction before this round, so it was really interesting to see you explore such a different genre. I left a few minor inline suggestions (...I also couldn't resist scolding the father), but your polished writing left little for me to highlight. So, I hope you don't mind that I'm moving on to this week's comment topic, and the questions you've posed!

CT – The internal and external conflict

I would definitely say that the inner conflict was Lucy's fear of the future and everything it may hold (e.g. "Yeah, but there's all the other stuff...making friends, staying up with the school work, fitting in." + "I know, but I have to keep my GPA up to a 3.5. to hold onto it. And I won't have any time to work, so money's going to be tight... And most of the kids here have trust funds."). Granted, it's not just fear she's experiencing—there's excitement and hope and uncertainty and possibly every emotion one experiences when they're about to start a new chapter of their life. (I feel you, Lucy!)

Combined with the external conflict—which I'd pinpoint as the dysfunctional family dynamics (e.g. "Mom glared at him. 'She understands what I'm going through. Not like you ever listen to me.' / 'You never talk to me.' His voice escalated. 'You talk to Jackie, or your mother, or Gretchen—' / 'Well, if you would stop patronizing—' / 'Urs.' Patronization and condescension on demand—that's my dad.")—you definitely created a great amount of tension. In an ideal world, Lucy's home would be more stable than the future she's throwing herself into. However, despite everything being a bit chaotic, I like that you show glimpses of softness (e.g. "Dad lifted my chin. 'Don't worry. And don't tell your mother this... But I've put away a bit of money for college for you and your sister. It's not a lot.'"). It goes to show ...

[Part 2]

how the world isn't black and white, and how complex families truly are. I really liked that!

Question 1 – Would I read further?

Yes, because:

A) As I've mentioned, I really enjoyed the complexity of the family dynamics, and it would be interesting to see how Lucy copes, not only with her new life, but with keeping in touch with everything she's leaving behind.

B) The ending offered a simple, lovely hook ("I glanced once more at my new home before walking through the arch for my first time as an official Windsor Grizzly. My life was about to change. While parts of the future terrified me, I pushed my anxiety aside, determined to enjoy move-in day and welcome week."). I could definitely relate to Lucy here, and that makes me interested in reading on!

C) You mentioned both ABBA and musical theatre in the third paragraph ("I shoved my headphones on and turned up the soundtrack to Mamma Mia. Auditions were in a week, and I was going out for the part of Rose. 'Take a Chance on Me' had been on loop for the last two days."). What can I say? I'm a Swedish musical theatre geek.

Question 2 – Description

Personally, I thought there was enough description to paint a picture. For example, you presented the heat through the dialogue, and you offered glimpses of their crammed surroundings (e.g. "The car behind us honked. Dad moved the truck ahead another car length. After putting it in park, he grabbed his billfold from the console."). I also really enjoyed the youthful flair you added to the lengthier descriptions, my favorite example being: "We drove along the avenue, the earlier traffic having veered off the main avenue to other residential colleges. I knew they were all named for California counties. Apparently, most of the sorority girls flocked to Yolo, because 'you only live once'".

Initially, I was unsure of the physical descriptions of the twins ("While we were fraternal, most people thought we were identical. Medium height and build. ...

[Part 3]

Same round face. She was thinner, had green eyes instead of my blue, and dark auburn hair. I ended up with a strawberry blonde that bleached to golden blonde in the San Fernando Valley summers. We both had inherited the red from our Irish Nana."), but reading the paragraph again, I realized that I loved how you used it to add lovely details such as their grandmother's heritage. The only thing I would suggest avoiding when it comes to the twins is the mentioning of Charlotte's full name ("'Charlotte Amalie Denholm!' / It was never a good day when Dad used full names before noon."). It's a charming detail, but it's often labeled as 'cliché' (I used to have a similar line in my story, and I was given the same advice), so I just thought I'd mention it!

To wrap up my answer, I don't think you necessarily need to add more description! I actually really like that you often substituted descriptions of the scenery with characterization. For example, you used the initial moments in the car as a way to establish the dysfunctional family dynamics (e.g. "Mom quickly unbuckled her seatbelt and tumbled out of the truck. 'Crap!' Her hangover must still have been at full-force.").

(Side note: I also loved how you used a text conversation to further establish the twins' characters. It really worked with the tone of the chapter!)

Question 3 – Which twin do I prefer?

This is a bit of a 'Sophie's choice', because I'm fond of them both (especially because of this line: "Music was our defense to block out the adults in the front seat of the truck."). I can relate to Lucy the most (and since I'm assuming the novel will focus on her journey, I have no doubt I'll grow more and more attached to her), but there's something about Charlotte's sharpness that makes me intrigued. All I can say is that I would happily read both POVs. :)

[Part 4]

I hope you've had a lovely week in the spotlight, and that this review has been useful, despite the fact that it showed up so late. I had every intention of posting my review at the start of the week, but...life happened. Sigh. Anywho, thank you for a lovely read!

Network with this Winner: reaweiger not only understood the direction I was going with the piece, but this understanding added to her suggestions gave me the most ideas for editing this chapter. I appreciate the tact she used in both her answers to the questions as well as her in-line comments.

First runner-up: Casparita really got into the main character and gave me some great ideas on how to bring out her internal conflict better.

Second runner-up: Jennovelist provided great feedback on how to emphasize the main plot better as well as understanding the concerns Lucy is going through.

Honorable mentions: Miss_Guided01

Final author's note: I appreciate all 12 reviews I received on time. Each person brought a different perspective to the chapter and offered me at least one good suggestion without attacking either me or the characters.

Since this story is semi-autobiographical, I am churning up things in my life that I had buried long ago. Having others interact with the characters and comment on the situations is not easy for me to deal with on a good day, because Stan and Ursula are my parents and the situation in the truck was real. However, my sister and I are Irish twins, not real ones. The twins are tweaked to be somewhat more what we hoped to be have been while still tapping into the abuse and how it shapes us even now, thirty years later.

I greatly appreciate the tactful reviews offered by all of you faithful members. I hope to have a lot more of this book written by next season when I will spotlight four chapters for my Champion Reviewer round. Until then, find your own fresh start.

Author #1: joelong42

Book: The Last Day of Summer

Genre: Adventure

Specified Chapter: Chapter 5

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/516487876-the-last-day-of-summer-05-jennifer 

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Gore Level: Brief gore, doesn't go into detail 

Summary:

The story begins with a father (Charles) and daughter (Rebecca) living in Colorado. His wife, Jennifer, is on a business trip in Alaska. During this time, nuclear war breaks out between China, North Korea, and the United States. Jennifer is camping just outside of Anchorage for the weekend when a Nuclear missile detonates over Anchorage. She gets knocked out by the blast on the mountain top where she was camping.

Author's Note:

This chapter is mostly action, although other chapters have a lot more character interaction and emotional story. It was the only one that really fit the length requirement is why I chose it but it does throw you into the middle of it. I really appreciate the opportunity to share this and I hope all of you enjoy.

Questions:

1. Honest critiques. What did you enjoy? What do you think could be better?

2. Was there anything you learned or would like to see more of?

Winning Comment: 

External conflict was of course the approaching radiation cloud, and the narrator's attempt to escape it. An eerie variation on the man vs nature conflict, with the cloud taking on a very active, predatory role, as it's basically hunting our survivor. The urgency of the narrator to get as far away as quickly as possible conveyed that conflict quite well; maybe having her go into more details of what fate awaits her if she doesn't manage to outrun the cloud could make the stakes even higher for the reader (what does the "gruesome death" look like?).I didn't detect much of an internal conflict here, but in a man vs nature conflict, there isn't much opportunity for taking your emotional temperature. An opportunity for internal conflict opened when she saw the car crash - she could have been torn between her desire to flee from the approaching cloud, and her desire to be a decent human being and stop to help (which would've cost her precious time she could've used to put some more distance between her and death).Q1: I very much enjoyed the description of her flight, especially that ride down the mountain. I also liked her sense of humor, even in the face of catastrophe. What I think could be improved is the rhythm of the sentences. The paragraphs are very long, and a lot of sentences start with "I" - I mentioned these instances in the inline comments.

Q2: I would've appreciated a bit more information about her chances of surviving a nuclear attack that happened basically in viewing distance. As a layperson, I immediately assume that she'd have been evaporated in her sleep. I'd need the author to address that somewhere, to help my suspension of disbelief.

Again, almost all your sentences begin with "I [did something]" - it creates a monotonous and abrupt rhythm. Try connecting some of the sentences.There's "the car" and "the car." Maybe use "I stopped the Jeep and jumped out to help" - it's more specific. Also, two short sentences, both beginning with "I [did something]" sound choppy. Maybe cut the second sentence and use it after the line of dialogue: "Are you okay?" I asked when I reached the wreck."The use of the -ing form suggests that the two actions - firing up the car, and driving it out of the parking lot - happen simultaneously. Obviously, that's not the case. Maybe use stronger description, too: I sped up as fast as I could, as if I was stealing the car.Paragraph break after "the point" - she's out of the parking lot now, on the road.If she was hoping to find parked cars, and didn't, I'd use "but" instead of "and" in the first sentence.A comma is needed after "empty."I suggest cutting "I saw," as it creates distance, and just go with what she saw (the Jeep).She banged at the door, hoping someone would open, BUT nobody answered.You start many sentences with "I" - try a bit of variation there.Is the Eagle River running through the valley that she just reached, or did she have to cross a distance? It feels a bit abrupt, and unconnected to the landscape in the preceding paragraph.The same goes for the end of the paragraph - what distance does she have to run? Can she see the Center from the river bank? Is it just a short sprint away?Wow, what a ride! Again, great humor, great descriptions. I'd only suggest breaking up this very long paragraph into several smaller ones. Rule of thumb: every time a new sequence of action starts, for example, when that last rock propels her and her raft into the air; when her makeshift sled runs out and she has to push it to the next ridge; etc.I love her humor! XD Is the fourth wall break deliberate?Okay, considering you might have readers like me, who know nothing about the fallout radius of a nuclear bomb, or the area around Anchorage - how far away is she from the detonation site? How big is the radius of radiation immediately after detonation, and how fast is it expanding? I feel I need these informations, because I'd think that as soon as you can watch the mushroom cloud, you're doomed anyway.I would break this up into shorter paragraphs, one after "local time" (since she changes action from thinking to running), and one after "fried them" (because the action changes again, if subtly, from trying to revive the Kindle, to checking the sun over the horizon).I wonder if her radiation calculations make any difference for her chance of survival - she had been at the same spot when the bomb detonated, after all, so no matter to what degree the radiation has fallen now, she'd have gotten her share of it immediately after the detonation, too.Since she spends the rest of the paragraph with thinking, "I finally snapped into action" feels out of place, unless her thinking runs parallel to breaking camp - but you'd need to mention that somewhere in this paragraph. If "It's been so long" is direct internal dialogue, it should be in italics. If it's indirect internal dialogue, it should be "It had been so long."If she's referring to the dream she had (or thought she'd had), wouldn't it be "That hadn't been a dream"?I would set her thoughts (her internal dialogue) in italics. The change in tense was jarring for a moment, until I realized that you were quoting her thoughts.I'd cut "Of course, that would never happen." You already made this even unreal in the narrator's view by stating it as a dream, and a strange dream at that. I feel the mention of snow on the ground comes too late - especially since you emphasized the warmth of the sun so much in the preceding paragraph. I'd incorporate its mention in the first paragraph, maybe as explanation why she was shivering.I'd separate this long paragraph into several shorter ones. You could start a new paragraph with "I touched the back of my head," and "I sat up," and "The clouds were strange today" (and I'd probably write LOOKED strange today).(Note, I don't read what other commenters have written, so I may repeat some of their suggestions)I suggest connecting the first two sentences, for example: "WHEN I opened my eyes, I saw..."You could describe the sensation of the headache (there are many different kinds of pain to choose from, too XD).To avoid starting every sentence in the same pattern, maybe begin the third sentence with "The sun was beating..." You'd also avoid filtering (I could feel), making the sensation more immediate. I liked the contrast between the warmth of the sun and the chill that the narrator felt, as well as the jumbled sensations - coming out of unconsciousness isn't like just waking up, after all.

Network with this Winner:

athaja 

The review was detailed and mentioned many helpful suggestions that showed how closely they read. 

First runner-up:

AhsokaJackson

Her review was detailed, thoughtful and tactful. She mentioned many areas of improvement and you could tell she really took her time.

Second runner-up:

AmyMarieZ Once again a very helpful, detailed critique.

Honorable mentions:

ChristopherOpyr

Author #2: jettmanas

Book: Alternative Care

Genre: Fanfiction

Specified Chapter: Chapter 6

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/435920030-alternative-care-chapter-6

Chapter Rating: PG

Gore Level:

Summary:

The student heroes of San Fransokyo meet those of Los Angeles in a Big Hero 6/Totally Spies crossover that spans dimensions. After a series of tech expo thefts, Sam, Clover, and Alex are sent through a portal to an alternate version of San Francisco, San Fransokyo, to prevent one from happening at the S.F. Institute of Technology Expo.

The two teams find themselves pitted against a threat that pushes their investigative and hero skills to their limits!

Author's Note:

As a longtime animator and fan of animation, I wrote this as a sendoff to Totally Spies; a series that ended a few years ago. Big Hero 6 is getting a TV series on November 20, so I'm interested in possibly writing for it in the future (I've written one other story for BH6).

Both feature groups of characters in college; a fun part of my life that I enjoy writing for. The shows and my writing are fairly light, and generally for all ages. I've always done the same for my original content as well. Also, I don't write epic novels, so please consider that 16 chapters/15 K words stretched me to my limit. Thank you!

Questions:

1. I know a story typically focuses on a main character in depth, as opposed to being equally focused on a larger cast. But this chapter (and story) was written as an ensemble piece, which I've seen in some entertainment. Did this work for you, or do think all stories should follow the rule of one or two main characters?

2. I have a passion for making art and stories of what I and hopefully those of all ages can enjoy. But I feel I might be limiting myself by having too narrow of a focus. Was the writing too trite or obscure? Or was it accessible as simply something fun for readers?

3. Are there any other things that you would change, take out, or add to the chapter?

Winning Comment: 

Overall (1 of 2):

Hello there and welcome to the spotlight. As someone who is unaccustomed to fan fiction, this was definitely a new experience for me, so much of my overall takeaways may be less applicable to your individual work and more a product of the genre (I'm not sure.). What I found intriguing, however, is the strong similarity to film and television writing, which is of course something by which perhaps I shouldn't be surprised as the source material for the fandom comes TV and film.

Coming from a TV background myself, I dedicated much of my collegiate career to studying the difference between prose writing and cinematic writing and what has been done here is definitely an amalgamation between the two to which I am unfamiliar. So often, one of the primary differences found within the writing approaches between the two mediums lies in the perspective. Cinema and television, being inherently visual and external, focus strongly on action and dialogue, whereas, prose being visualized only within the reader's mind has an inherently internal bias, often (though not exclusively) turning inward within a character's thoughts and unspoken conflict; even where the narrative shows through action and dialogue, there is often a peppering of internal reaction / commentary, continuing the internal leanings of the style.

Overall (2 of 2):

Here, however, the style comes across much more like a script. The narrative has a strong inclination towards visual description and action, peppered with dialogue, while internal reactions have been minimized, if not excluded. As such, it reads very much as derivative from its source, relying on the visual dominance of the original medium. This is neither good nor bad, simply an artistic choice, untethered from any qualitative implication. I point it here only for the uniqueness it presents, along with the appropriateness of the style based upon source mediums. In essence, it intrigued me and I wanted to share. Take from that what you will.

For now, let's jump into the questions and comment topics.

CT (1 of 2):

External conflict here is clear. The heroes of the chapter are sneaking into the employees only section of the bowling alley and are attempting to avoid being caught, while later shifting to a struggle of survival against a deadly robot adversary. The tension is occasionally minimized, however, by formal phrasings such as "which caused" that minimize the immediacy of the action. Shorter, more direct descriptions could help escalate the external tension in the fight scene with robot. Additionally, as the focus is so external, the lack of internal reactions prohibits some leading moments that could further elevate tension as they are sneaking in. For instance, do the three fear being caught? Would they be wondering to themselves if Honey can distract the employee long enough for them to make into the back unnoticed.

Stylistically, however, this is not an option without a major overhaul, but perhaps there might be a few method to illustrate that tension visually. They could be sneaking back, when suddenly Wasabi (always the cautious one, waves a hand to halt his friends, nodding back to where Honey is engaging the employee. Suddenly he slows down and tries to tip-toe towards the door. Visually we've suddenly connected the two events and understand the risk. This could play for a beat or so, before Go Go (much more likely to plow ahead, rolls her eyes, shoves Wasabi aside and barges through the door, throwing caution to the wind.

The point here is not that the action needs to be as I've laid out above (that is one of infinite possibilities), but simply that it may help tension if the obstacle is visualized through emotional reactions and actions that imply the thoughts of the characters.

CT (2 of 2):

Internal Conflict... here I am at a loss. Right now, internal conflict is not immediately evident. I think that perhaps that this exclusion is tied to my previous discussion regarding the similarities between this piece's writing style and that of television writing. The focus is so external that internal conflict is not immediately evident. Of course, using the scenario presented in the external conflict discussion above, there would be mild internal conflict between Wasabi's fear of being caught as his cautious nature collides with Go Go's brash tactics, creating group tension that could escalate as the action continues. For instance, if Go Go is repeatedly ignoring Wasabi's extreme caution, and if he continues to stress as they are sneaking into the lanes, it could create some resentment between the two of them, with Hiro stuck being the mediator. Then as Wasabi is finally trying to warn them about something real, the robot menace, Go Go could be at her wit's end, determined to completely disregard Wasabi, forcing him to dive and force her and Hiro to the ground, and finally causing Go Go to accept that his caution has a place in keeping her safe, thus allowing for a silent peace offering exchanged in glances between them. I don't know... I'm just spitballing here, but I think a scenario this might be a way to create internal tensions while not shifting away from the external writing style that dominates the narrative.

Q1 (1 of 2):

This is a tricky question. First, while there are unspoken rules, by and large I think of writing as without rules. There may be guidelines, but a writer needs to be free to explore the medium in the way that is right for him or her.

That being said, there is plenty of prose fiction written with ensemble casts. I'm most familiar with it in the context of fantasy and science-fiction; for instance, Lord of the Rings, which splits between multiple groups of characters (Frodo, Gollum, and Sam; Gimili, Legalos, Aragorn, and Gandalf; Pippin and Merry), Game of Thrones, which splits into perspective chapters, each told from one character's perspective, and science-fiction such as The Expanse, The Ender's series, etc., that do the same (individual perspective chapters). By and large, the majority of ensemble prose that I have come across involves an ensemble of perspective characters that have their individual point-of-view (POV) chapters though interacting within those chapters with other POV characters. I've read far less complete ensemble prose that lacks an anchored character within each chapter.

From my experience, fantasy fiction may be some of the best source material here, and I would definitely recommend exploring how J.R.R. Tolkien handled this problem in Lord of the Rings. And from there, I'm wracking my brain and coming up with nothing. I just poured over my entire collection, looking from spine to spine, and realizing either this is a very rare dilemma, or I'm drawn to works told by perspective characters. The only other author that comes immediately to mind is perhaps some of the work of Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman, famous for the Dragonlance series of books in the 80s and 90s. Unfortunately, I cannot remember offhand if these had perspective characters within their individual chapters

Q1 (2 of 2):

I tried again, pushing back into the classics, but came up short once more. While Dracula, one of my all time favorites has an ensemble cast it uses an epistolary "found footage" style, placing each section firmly within the perspective of the person writing the found document (Jonathan Harker and his journal, Mina Harker's letters, Dr. Seward's diary, etc.) and Frankenstein, which I vaguely recalled split between the monster and Dr. Frankenstein is of course told firmly from Dr. Frankenstein's perspective as he recalls his tale. Apparently I continue to lose at this game.

So what does all this exploration say to me? Your approach is fairly unique. Does that make it wrong. Absolutely not. Embrace it and write the story you want to tell. If that story is an ensemble story always following a large group rather than isolating on an individual, then do that. To do anything else would be disingenuous. Never bind yourself to rules that limit or defeat the story you wish to tell. Not even this rule I just made up.

Best of luck!

Q2 (1 of 1):

The writing is fun and I wouldn't describe it as trite. Personally I believe a writer should embrace the genres that they love and for any that would tell them their writing isn't serious enough, well forget them. You have to write what you enjoy. If you love Big Hero Six, then write that, and be the best at writing family-friendly, all ages, action stories that you can be. When I go to judge a work of fiction, I do not judge against all fiction; I judge against all fiction striving to be what it strives to be. I.e., a great horror work is just as good as a great drama, a great comedy, a great action-adventure, a great family-friendly cartoon. The only metric that I think is truly important is what is a story trying to be, and how well does it do at achieving that goal.

Now yes, there may be somewhat of a narrow focus in that writing fan-fiction, your audience is going to be not only those readers that read fan-fiction, but also those that enjoy the fandoms for which you are writing, but, all genres limit writers. As a horror writer I know that I am not going to gain readers that are primarily interested in rom-coms. As a near-future science-fiction writer, I know I'm limiting myself off from epic science-fantasy fans. Here again, however, I would stress that you have to write what you love. If you try to write to the market, if you strive to write to the audience that you think will bring you success, you risk writing at something for which you are not as passionate; and that passion, or lack of passion, is usually apparent in one's writing.

Q3 (1 of 1):

Once the story reaches the primary action, sneaking into the employee's only area, the reader engagement is at its highest. That being said, the opening is so visual and very much focused on a synopsis of what is seen and of the preliminary bowling game used as the group's excuse to investigate that at times it comes across like a snapshot, a photo more than a narrative. Perhaps if some active throughline could be added here, it might allow the story momentum to carry the reader through the expository information with a greater engagement. For instance:

"[The gang parked the van] on a busy corner, a short drive from the cafe. [The] S.F. Bowl was the only bowling alley in the city, [yet they found themselves struck by] the large white structure, [it's] Japanese flair of red arches mixed with oversized bowling pin pillars that flanked the entrance and held up a large metal overhang."

["So, um, does anyone really know how to bowl?" Hiro asked.]

[Fred cracked his knuckles confidently, ripping off his jacket to reveal a radiant bowling jersey, obviously ripped straight from the pros. He smiled exuberantly. "Not at all," he said, and plowed forward through the throngs of] bowlers of all ages [enjoying] the high ceiling modern bowling alley. ..."

My point in this example is that if the visual details are revealed in relation to the characters and their actions, those characters anchor the reader in, making the world lived in, and allowing them to bubble up through the story rather than as a preface to that story. Breaking it up into smaller chunks by throwing in character dialogue and action, also allows those details to be more seamlessly digested. Just a thought, and of course one of many approaches.

Again, best of luck!

Network with this Winner: CristopherOpyr

What an in-depth review. I can't even imagine the amount of time it took to write all of that. From the examples of other literature, to his own experiences, to the specific examples of how to strengthen the writing- this review had everything. Even encouragement, which I really appreciated. I hope it's ok that I used those ideas you gave me. I took every suggestion seriously and made revisions, but found yours to be among my favorites. Even the simpler grammar fixes meant a lot to me. Thank you!

First runner-up:AhsokaJackson

Another impressive review in size and content, covering everything from thoughts on POVs to the importance of character connection prior to action. Thanks to revisions suggested by her and others, the emotional connection to the characters is now stronger. I also addressed the "show vs tell" concern in my revisions.

Second runner-up:sscott8

Solid thoughts on the CT and questions, especially on the encouragement of working with existing characters and putting them in a unique situation. He pointed out some story point revisions (such as the employee door needing to be locked!) that I completely missed. Nice catches on word phrasing fixes as well. You really helped improve the chapter.

Honorable mentions: jeff_bond

Final author's note: I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of reviewers and comments, but read them all and tried to respond to everything. I also made revisions based off what everyone suggested, and hope that the improvement is noticeable to any who are curious about the chapter. All of the participants did a great job reviewing, so it was tough to decide the rankings. Thanks to those who pointed out the jarring POV switch near the chapter end, points on established characters of fanfiction vs. original work, adding suspense, and suggesting upping the emotion in the action scene. And everyone for your encouragement. I'm not sure if the rest of the book is at the level of the reviewed chapter now, but I learned a lot from this. I appreciate it! 

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