COMMENTING TIME FRAME: 

Friday, February 2, 2018 - Sunday, February 11, 2018 11:59 PM (CST)

MODERATOR: Leah_tee

Comment Topic: Dialogue can reveal a lot about our characters' traits and personalities. Mention one dialogue in this chapter that you feel sums up the Protagonist's character. How so?

TWO ANNOUNCEMENTS: 

1) We will be publishing the last Team Challenge on Friday, February 2! Be sure to check it out and keep an eye on your team forums! 

2) Last year, one of our dear NBR members passed away from cancer. In round 16 (our final round), we will spotlight one of her chapters as a tribute to her name. Her husband will be receiving your KIND reviews in her stead. 

Author #1: JenniferKatherine7

Book: Geek's Obsession

Genre: Paranormal

Specified Chapter: Once a Geek, Always a Geek?

Link to the Chapter: [https://www.wattpad.com/462190492-geek%27s-obsession-once-a-geek-always-a-geek]

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Gore Level: Minimal Blood

Summary: 

Senior year starts out as it always has for outcast Edison Bates and best friend Nora Slater but changes one afternoon when an unseen force takes a liking to Edison. Later, when Edison loses his outcast status, popular girl "Queen Anna Devereaux" invites him to join her clique. Nora senses something vile and dark about Edison as she watches him transform into "Eddie." Unwilling to lose her best friend, Nora starts out on a path to discover what changed him.

Author's Note: 

I'm thrilled to be a part of NBR and I'm grateful for reviewers taking the time to read and comment. Thank you, you all rock!

Questions:  *UPDATED 2/2/18*

1. Does this chapter need more backstory/information introduced?

2. Did you get a sense of the plot from this first chapter or were you totally lost?

3. Are the setting and descriptions detailed enough?

Winning Comment: 

CT
"He thinks I'll keep doing his homework, but I told him I quit." This is pivotal to the change that has taken place in Edison's character. He has some powerful secret friends or fiends or something and he knows now that he doesn't have to take abuse from anyone anymore. He has just come into this power, it seems and his life will never be the same. That is the gist of this first chapter and everything else should support that one thing. Edison has been resigned to being pushed around, but that's all over. The what and why are intriguing and we want to know more.

Q1
The scene is one that we are all too familiar with. I would mention the name of the high school later because it's not really important. This is an everywhere setting, and Edison seems like an every teen. What is fun is that he is not an every teen. He has conscripted the help of something very big and powerful. This is a fantasy of every high school nerd who has been intimidated and beat up because they lacked the size or muscle or were just too smart and made some jocks feel stupid. So, I don't think any backstory is necessary and I might even lighten up the back story of Edison and Nora at the party. In this chapter, it's more fun to know less. However, I do want to know more about how he feels about Nora, because he has brought her and only her into his circle of power. That part is important. I think you can do more by describing her appearance from his point of view, along with what he thinks about her mind and then contrast that with the description from Carter's point of view - which you do pretty nicely. The backstory on Carter is really good. I like how he used to be friends with Edison, but that all changed. I would work harder on Carter's description. Frankly, we have to feel like he gets what is coming to him, so everything about him has to be crystal clear in our minds. I imagine he is a jock, that his clothes hang on him like a sheet thrown over two bowling balls. We need to see him as physically powerful and intimidating so that the supernatural altercation has more dramatic effect. Frankly, I would release the actor and brand model comparisons and describe him directly.

Q2
I got a good sense of the plot here. I know just a little about where this is going, but not enough that I'm not curious. You have a nerd with supernatural powers and that's awesome. What would improve it would be tightening up the descriptions of the characters. The setting is one we have seen before. I'm also not sure that Edison's religion is important here, but you would know better than I. It might be more important when we know more later. It stopped me a bit as I read it. There may be a way to introduce this as a show more than a tell.

Q3
I think I have gone over the character descriptions ad nauseam already so I will leave that out. I said in my earlier comments that we know this setting and it doesn't need a description. That might not be entirely true. I would focus on details that are not typical. Are there banners hanging on the walls for the school's team? What color are the walls? What color are the lockers? What is on the wall where Carter and Trey are beaten up? Did they break a display case? These details would be helpful to get us more into the place.

In every typical setting, there are always details that are different. These are the ones you could describe. Are the floors dirty or clean? Is there snow on the ground outside, or is it warm? If there is snow, the floors are dirty and a little wet. What sort of car do they get into at the end? Is it in the front or back of the school lot? What kind of clothes are the characters besides Nora wearing? Does Nora wear jewelry? Does Edison have a watch? You don't need to describe all this, but a little detail that is unexpected goes a long way.

Network with this Winner: @JimInfantino 

I chose this NBR Reviewer because he commented on every question, added a lot of detail, added inline comments, gave his own suggestions for improvement, let me know what wasn't working, and why. The reason I chose this winner is that I learned an incredible amount just from his comments.

First runner-up: avadel

Because she took so much time with her comments, went into detail, added inline comments which had helpful tips, and her advice will improve my chapters. She's terrific.

Second runner-up: amymarshmallow

Because she helped me know how a reader would feel. She showed me where and how to improve. She studied the chapter as well and spotted things that will improve the story. She's awesome.

Honorable mentions: TigerBlam.

Final Author's Note:

It was incredibly hard to choose a winner, so much so, that I put it off and I apologize. That's not right. There are so many of you that go out of your way to spend time on someone's else's work and I appreciate it so much. I wish there were more room for me to list reviewers. I listed the ones above because they stood out the most, but please know that all of you have given me perspectives that will improve my writing. I've taken notes on everyone's comments. I am grateful for your time and thank you.

Author #2: tecoop

Book: The Young Gods [NEW DRAFT]

Genre: Fantasy

Specified Chapter: •capítulo diez // chapter ten•

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/496852878-the-young-gods-the-young-gods-1-new-draft

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Gore Level: Blood and gore (a character cuts her arm and bleeds out a bit)

Summary: 

In a fantasy world inspired by late 19th-century colonial Spain, chaos reigns in the capital of Edeiros. An attempted assassination of the king forces the city's Head Sentinel into an impassioned hunt for the culprit, whom he believes to have supernatural powers. Unbeknownst to him, his target is a teenaged girl named Malina, who's reluctantly agreed to help a disenfranchised boy and his younger sister find the meds they need to survive. With her command over the weave of the universe, anything is possible, but only time will tell whether she makes it out of the hospice alive.

Author's Note: 

Hi everybody! Hope you enjoy the chapter. I just want to let you know that, being that this book is based off of Hispanic culture, there are a few Spanish words inside that may not make sense to an Anglophone. In case you need any help, feel free to take a look at the lexicon near the beginning of the book! It's marked off for your convenience :)

Questions:

1. The Edeirans are callous towards Malina in spite of her injury. Do you think the racial divide present here is believable as well as historically accurate?

2. Did my usage of Spanish terms fit well with the text, or did you think it was unnecessary/overbearing?

3. What were your impressions of Malina? Was she likeable enough as a viewpoint character, and were you able to sympathize with her?

Winning Comment: 

Hi, @tecoop ! I really enjoyed doing this review. There was a lot here to analyze, so you're about to get a three-page essay, lol. I tend to go out of order, so in place of my thesis statement, I'm just going to warn you that I did Q1, CT, Q3, and then Q2. (;

Let's get started! (=

Q1) I'm no history buff, so I can't answer your question from that angle. However, story-wise, it's perfectly believable. I thought the nurses and the Sentinel were very human, with all the flaws that that implies. I like that you've crafted a society where not everyone gets along, where people have selfish motives, and where even the "scenery" characters have personality. Their prejudice came through clearly and added depth to the scene. I love that the Sentinel let her in only when he had her money pocketed. I also thought the nurses' indifference and preoccupation with the mess they would have to clean up was a brilliant way to show how they felt. In real life, everyone (for the most part) looks out for their own interests – nobody likes to be inconvenienced. You display this very well, especially through your dialogue.

Which leads me to the Comment Topic...

CT) My favorite piece of dialogue was the "A few stitches will cost you less than a gravedigger" paragraph. Here, Malina finally gets fed up with the nurses' egocentric viewpoints and demands they do something. It's impassioned, but it's also logical. She knows that she's not going to appeal to their decency or emotions. Instead, she meets them where they're at. She talks about the expense and inconvenience her death would cause them. And even while she's making this point that they are unable to argue with, she's needling them, whether they realize it or not. It's deplorable that they are treating her like she's no better than a stray animal they have to decide what to do with, and Malina knows it. In five short sentences, she manipulates them, forces the situation to her advantage, and berates them.

Post 2, Q3 part 1

Q3) The piece of dialogue I discussed in the CT shows me that Malina is intelligent and passionate. The passionate bit is also backed up by the "And damn that heart" line.

Furthermore, she's determined. Despite being tired from whatever happened in the previous chapters and what some might think is unsurmountable security, Malina finds a way into the hospice, and a pretty clever one at that. Her determination is also strong enough to convince her to cut herself, seeing that as the only way in.

However, while this scene displays some admirable qualities, I have a couple of problems with it, though. One, if she's done this before, I feel like she should have known how deeply to cut without putting her in mortal danger. As is, it seems slightly foolish that she would pick an injury that could lead to her death – an eventuality that you clarify is entirely possible, considering the "gravedigger" reference. Either that, or she might should have picked a different place to injure. Something about it just seems irrational or ill-planned, which is otherwise not a trait this chapter taught me to associate with Malina. I think part of my discontent with the idea arises from the fact that when I'm reading a book, if the MC comes up with a plan to outsmart the bad guys, I want it to be a *good* plan. I don't want snags, unless he's anticipating them or they come out of nowhere. A plan that starts with wrinkles in it just seems anti-climactic, and also looks bad on the MC. There are a couple ways that you could address this to make the scene more believable *without* rewriting your entire chapter, as I thought it was an excellent concept.

Post 3, Q3 part 2

A) Malina's knife slips (my favorite)

When she cuts herself, she intended to make a shallow cut like she's done in the past – something she is more than capable of – but for whatever reason, the knife slips. Something might have startled her, the blade might be so small her fingers fumble with it, or the blood might make the surface slippery, perhaps. Whatever happens, it creates a much deeper, threating cut than she intended, but she still needs to get into the hospice, so she goes through with her plan. This would have the added bonus of giving her extra grit and extracting some more sympathy from the reader.

If you went this route, you could even have her considering whether or not she should actually *let* the nurses treat her, considering how serious the wound is. In fact, I was a little surprised that there was no internal debate about how she was going to keep from bleeding out since she seemed ready to pass out.

Post 4, Q3 part 3

B) She actually is prepared for the consequences

In this scenario, she *knows* that cutting herself like this could put her life in jeopardy. Perhaps she almost died before. Maybe one of her friends did. Or maybe she's just done it enough to know she always has to get treatment immediately after. She didn't just accidentally cut too deep, as in the original, nor did unforeseen circumstances cause her cut to be deeper than she intended, as in Suggestion A. These things – especially the former – make her from seem somewhat inept. Instead, in Suggestion B, she is purposeful, and willing to potentially sacrifice her life to accomplish her goal. But she's not going to let that happen; it's never happened before because she knows how to clean herself up. She just needs to make sure she gets done with her plan before she passes out.

This has the added bonus of creating a ticking clock for the reader, hyping up the tension. If you wanted to, once the purposefully dangerous nature of her act is established, you could even have her monitoring herself, and then realize that the something is horribly wrong (the way that you already are). The cut was deeper than she intended, and she's losing blood faster than she meant to.

Post 5, Q3 part 4

C) It was a ruse gone wrong

Personally, this is my least favorite, but I think it might be closest to what you were originally going for. The cut is just meant to trick the guards into thinking she's hurt, but she never has any intention of causing substantial damage. However, once she's inside and her blood is drip, drip, dripping on the floor, she realizes that she somehow messed it up. Maybe she hit something she wasn't supposed to; maybe the knife was sharper than she thought it was; or maybe her arms are skinnier than they used to be, due to whatever adventure she's been on, and the depth she's *used* to cutting is not what she *should* have cut. Then, once you've established that, the chapter continues more or less as it's already written.


Whichever option you pick (A, B, C), or none, I would recommend looking through your chapter and making sure her intentions are clear. To create a strong scene and a strong character, her purpose and reactions also need to be strong. Obviously, there's other ways to do this than what I named, but right now, I'm somewhat hazy on what her plan was and *why* she chose it as her plan. Making that more concrete, I think, would add a lot of depth to this chapter and create more respect and relatability for Malina.


Please don't let any of this discourage you, though. I still thought Malina was a good character, and you displayed a lot of rich characterization in this chapter. To me, the "Mestiza" flashback added a lot of relatability to her, showing her background and hinting at both her distaste and reliance on the casta. Also, she's sarcastic, as evidenced by her "something like that" line in reference to the nurse stating that whoever cut her must have hated her. She's analytical, determined, powerful, compassionate (although this is told more than shown), and sardonic. For me, it's hard not to like that. (=

Post 6, Q3 part 5

One last thing on this topic, and then I'll move on, I promise. ( =
If you're looking to up Malina's relatability, I might consider focusing on your diction and sentence structure. Some of the words you employ aren't used in regular speech, which makes her sound a little stuffy or overly mature (like "malcontent" for example). This isn't a problem necessarily if you're looking at an older audience. However, I'm getting a more YA vibe, with Malina probably being about 16. If that's the case, and you don't have a specific reason for making her sound extra proper, you might think about sticking with shorter, more common words and shorter sentences. It might serve to give her – and your book – a more youthful feel, as well as making the chapter faster-paced and an easier read. (=

Post 7, Q2

Q2) Okay, after going on for ages on the last question, I promise to make this one short(er). Lol. (=

I've been taking Spanish classes for the last three years and have a decent understanding of the language, which means that my response might not be indicative of your average reader. However, I thought your use of Spanish words was sparing, and for the most part, perfectly placed. Here's a run-down of what I thought on each word:

• While I had to look up "Indios," even before I did so, it was obvious that it was some kind of slur, which I thought was perfect. I'd definitely keep it.

• "Teños" were obviously some kind of coin, and if you were writing high fantasy or sci-fi, no one would question you naming your currency, so I don't think there's any problem with this one either.

• I knew "médico" was doctor, but it's also a cognate, so it shouldn't be a problem for readers to understand. However, if you were going to get rid of one of the words, this might be one I'd look at. You have to ask yourself if using the Spanish words serves a purpose in the story – is it enhancing the tone, enriching the culture, helping the flow, or describing something that couldn't be described another way? I don't feel like that's the case here, but you have a much broader scope of the story than I do. If you feel differently, keep it. If not, you might consider replacing it with "nurse," "medic," or "doctor," whichever you feel is appropriate.

Post 8, Q2 cont

• "Hospicio de Reina Letizia" is "Hospice of Queen Letizia," right? Either way, it's a proper noun, so it has a place as long as you want it there.

• You define "mestiza," and it has a purpose in the story, so I think it should definitely stay.

• You also define "casta," but if you don't plan on using more than once or twice in the story, I feel like you could just use your definition instead of teaching the readers a word. If you are going to use it again later, though, this is a good place to introduce it. (=

I don't think I missed one, but I just skimmed back over it, so if I did, I apologize! Hopefully that answered your question, though.

Overall, I thought it was an interesting chapter. Even though I only got a glimpse at your magic (or whatever your story is calling it (; ), it seemed fairly well-balanced. You also had some nice similes, an intriguing and powerful main character, a good concept, and a very realistic world. I wish you luck as you continue editing, and hope you have a fantastic day!

Network with this Winner: avadel

With all of their inline comments, suggestions, and praise, it was hard not to choose avadel as my winner. People often say quality over quantity, but sometimes both is best. I was in awe of how many helpful things avadel had to say, from simple grammar corrections to ways to make my chapter flow better as a whole. The amount of effort put into the comments was astounding, and I can't thank them enough (I say "them" because I'm not sure if it was entirely AEM commenting, or if VS had a hand in it as well. Either way, their comments were exactly what I was looking for!) Thank you so much!

First runner-up: aqsamustaf

Between avadel and aqsamustaf, things were really close! Aqsa provided some really quality feedback. Her inline edits were all spot-on and she provided me with a number of minor things to look over. I love minor edit suggestions because they're not always the things that me (as the writer) often catches. Having eagle-eyed commenters like Aqsa really helps me out. Moreover, she let me know exactly what I was doing right, and to me, that's a big plus. Thanks a bunch!

Second runner-up: amymarshmallow

Amy helped me out with a ton of in-line edits. Again, pointing out all my little minor errors is incredibly beneficial to me. Usually, it takes me a few read-throughs to find those errors, but Amy spotted so many that I don't think I would've caught ordinarily! She also provided examples of things I might want to clarify. Thank you!

Honorable mentions: Miss_Guided01

Final author's note: 

That was a blast! I'm endlessly thankful to all of the NBR reviewers that took the time out of their schedules to give me so much praise and critique. I've come away with so much useful knowledge about how my MC is perceived, as well as what I'm strong at and what might need to be changed up. Thank you, once again, to everyone!

Author #1: mezblume

Book: Manor of Mystery

Genre: Middle Grade mystery/adventure

Specified Chapter: Chp 7: "The Blank Canvas"

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/482769154-manor-of-mystery-chp-7-the-blank-canvas/page/2

Chapter Rating: G 

Summary: 

Katie is sure her summer is doomed. She longs for an adventure like the ones she reads about in her favourite detective novels. Instead, she's stuck with Nan and Pop whose idea of adventure is touring old houses. But when Katie discovers a secret chamber in Otterly Manor with an enchanted painting, she suddenly falls - literally - into the biggest adventure of her life.

Sherlock Holmes meets Shakespeare in this time-travel murder mystery adventure with a twist of magic. There are delicious surprises in store for readers of adventures, mysteries and historical fiction alike.

Author's Note: 

At this stage in the story, Katie has travelled back in time to the 17th-century and been befriended by Sophia, the Lord of Otterly Manor's 12-year-old ward. She hides Katie in plane sight by disguising her as a chamber maid whilst the two work to find a way to get Katie home again.

In this scene, Katie and Sophia contrive to find a way for Katie to speak to Tom Tippery whom the girls suspect has something to do with the magical painting that's transported Katie back in time. The plan depends on Sophia's distracting Tom's employer, the court painter Master Van Beetle, long enough for Katie to have a private word with Tom. Katie at last manages to corner Tom, but what she discovers in the process plunges her into a mystery. Master Van Beetle is not who he says he is, and Katie means to get to the bottom of it.

Questions:

1. How do you perceive Katie's voice? Is she a believable clever eleven-year-old?

2. How would you describe the pacing of the chapter? Does it draw you in & keep you reading, or feel too slow at parts?

3. What's the primary question you're left wondering at the end of this chapter? 

Winning Comment:

Congrats on the spotlight! I had so much fun reading the chapter! Kate is an adorable character.

CT: Reading through the chapter a second time, I realized Kate didn't actually have that many spoken lines. Most of her personality is shown through her internal narration, and there are so many good lines to pick in there! However, I'll pick the one actual line of dialog from her that I feel like could sum up her character. I think one line would be when she sneaks up behind Tom Tippery and says "Hello, Mr. Tippery. I'm Kat-"

The reason I would pick this line is because it shows her as an awkward kid who is a bit uncomfortable being surrounded by only adults. This is exactly how I would picture a kid trying to get the attention of an adult. It also shows that she is at least a bit outgoing and clever that she would just much right up to him like this to try and sneak a look at the painitng.

Q1: I really enjoyed Kate's voice. I particularly liked the way she described her room as she woke up. It was very detailed, and she has a strong vocabulary, but there was also an adorable childishness to her descriptions. I particularly liked how she used the word "delicious" to describe the morning, and her mention of how the lacy ruff collar reminded her of a plastic dog cone! Her voice makes her seem like she would be a very pleasant and polite, but also fun kid to be around. She seems like a good kid, but also a bit mischievous.

Q2: The pacing seemed just a bit slow to me at the beginning. At least for my preferences, there was just a bit too much description about getting dressed and about what the clothes looked like. Although I loved Kate's commentary on it, I might have liked for the story to move a bit faster at this point. Since I haven't read the chapters leading up, there wasn't a whole lot of drive as far as conflict to keep me going here.
The pace started to pick up for me when Kate saw the gypsy painter. That was when I really started to get interested! However, I still felt like the pace was just a tad slow. I really enjoyed the descriptions of what the painter looked like while he was painting and his brush strokes, but I think I could have done with just a bit less of Kate commenting on how long it was taking. I think having her make just one references to her inability to sit patiently or the comparison to the car journey would have worked fine for me.

I found the pacing to be perfect while Kate was trying to gain a glimpse of the painting. I was on the edge of my seat, completely pulled in to the story waiting to see what would happen! And then it was blank! I don't know what I was expecting, but that surprised me in a great way and made me have so many questions! (Which I will include as my answer to question 3!)

Q3: One question I am left wondering at the end is why is Tom working as an apprentice when he is actually the skilled painter? I believe that his paintings are the reason Kate has been transported through time. So, I am also wondering what is it about his paintings that gives them the power to transport people through time? I am thinking that it is some sort of magical enchantment.

However, the biggest question I have on my mind is why? Did Tom purposefully transport Kate back in time, or did she just accidently fall through the painting when it was meant for someone else? I get the feeling there will be some sort of task Kate will have to accomplish, whether she was brought there specifically for that task or not, and I'm interested to find out what it is!

Great chapter, and a unique and fun story! A pleasure to read!

Network with this Winner: AmyMarieZ 

Her comments were right to the point, insightful and constructive.

First runner-up: clinquant

She brought up some good points for me to address. 

Second runner-up: cocosghost

She understood the story how I wanted it to be. 

Final author's note: 

Choosing a winner was a nearly impossible task. I appreciated every comment, each one thoughtful and well-aimed. Many thanks to all those who took the time to read, consider and share your valuable thoughts!

Author #2: IWJKeller

Book: The Lady of the Depths

Genre: Horror

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Link to the Chapter: https://www.wattpad.com/435779233-the-lady-of-the-depths-chapter-1

Chapter Rating: Specified chapter is PG, mature elements in later chapters.

Gore Level: None in specified chapter, blood and gore in later chapters.

Summary: 

As this is the first chapter, little summary is necessary. I will mention that this novella serves as a self-contained side-story to a full length novel I have written (that is currently unpublished in any form). However, there are absolutely minimal references to that novel and no knowledge of its events is required beyond what is provided in this chapter.

Author's Note: 

Thank you for your time, and for reading and reviewing my chapter!

Questions:

1. Do you feel enough is provided to connect with Albrecht as a character? Should I provide more of his personal history? Or should I provide a more direct line to his thoughts and feelings? Or something else?

2. Does it feel like too much info is being dumped?

3. If you were to predict the rest of the plot, what do you think is going to happen? What would you want to see happen?

Winning Comment:

CT
I think the line of dialogue that summarized Al as a character for me was the one about the use of a gun, that he would step over a line that he is already toeing. It echoes the line between faith and skepticism that he's also not willing to definitely cross in either direction.

Q1: From your question, I take it that this chapter is meant to be written from Al's POV (since you asked about providing more of his thoughts and feelings)? I admit that the only occasion I've come across a working omniscient POV of a contemporary author is the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett, and he has a very distinct narrator voice.
So - if you intended to write this in omniscient POV, you need to find that omniscient narrator's voice (I know there's such a thing as an objective aka invisible omniscient narrator, but frankly, to me it always reads as head hopping).
If you intend to write this in (single or multiple) 3rd person limited, you need to cut or rewrite anything that Al can't see or know (like the very first paragraph). If you want an objective 3rd person POV, you need to cut the instances where he feels or thinks something, because an objective 3rd limits itself to a strictly external view (that goes for Dirix, too - an objective 3rd is a mere observer, like a camera).
If you go for subjective 3rd with Al as viewpoint character, then yes, I think you need a bit more of his internal workings to make him more relatable.
Q2: You have two instances of infodumping IMO, which I have pointed out in the inline comments. But other than that, I found the dialogue to be moving naturally, and I liked Dirix' voice a lot. Al seems to be an interesting character with a strong set of self-imposed rules, and I think the chapter does leave enough questions open to interest readers (such as the reason for his career choice).

In-line comment:

I feel the part where they discuss how Al will go about the job is slowing the scene down and does read like padding or infodumping. It also takes away suspense, if you answer these questions right away instead of letting the reader find out while Al goes about his job. So my suggestion is to either cut that part completely, or summarize it in indirect dialogue.

In-line comment:

I read through the whole chapter to find out in whose POV this was written, and I'm still not sure. You dip into the heads of both Albrecht and Dirix, but there is no distinctive narrator's voice as is (afaik) needed for omniscient. If it's written in Albrecht's POV (and I guess the "waited for *him* made me expect that), the first paragraph wouldn't work. If it's written in the monk's POV, you'd need to remove Albrecht's inner thoughts later on.
I was told by my writing mentor that you should establish the viewpoint character as soon as possible in a scene, and I couldn't find one in this paragraph. Maybe I'm too used to (single or multiple) 3rd person limited.

Network with this Winner: Athaja 

It was hard to pick a winner, and even though the third question was left unanswered, I still found this the most useful review and comments. For both it's depth of analysis, and frequency and extensiveness of her in-line comments. Thank you!

First runner-up: Painebook 

It was a very close race between winner and first runner up. Both reviews and the inline comments were very useful, and clearly had a lot of thought put into them. I really do appreciate it.]

Second runner-up: AmyMarieZ 

I very much appreciated her perspective and opinions on the chapter. She understood the chapter, and the tone I was going for, and gave useful advice.]

Honorable mentions: Sscott8

Final author's note: 

A big thank you to everyone who took the time to review. Every single review was of some use to me.

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Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR, then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!