COMMENTING TIME FRAME:

Friday, November 24 - Sunday, December 3, 2017, 11:59 PM (CST)

MODERATOR: VeilofPetals

COMMENT TOPIC: Comment on the mood of the chapter by describing how you felt while reading it. Then explain how the Author was able to evoke those feelings. Be as detailed as possible. 

Author #1: LyssaGirl7686

Book: Beautiful Cries 

Genre: Fantasy

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/284517258-beautiful-cries-chapter-one-the-cursed-siren 

Chapter Rating: PG/Slight Violence

Gore Level: minimal blood

Summary: The tale of Persephone is well known throughout Greek Mythology; however, the real tale hidden beneath the myth of a goddess stolen away from her mother is that of Alena Cali—the Cursed Siren.

Forever cursed to lure sailors to their deaths, Alena is banished to live out her days on Cape Pelorum in servitude to the gods. Now powerless to the being that causes her to drag men to their watery graves, Alena sees no escape from her doomed existence. But when the opportunity to save Persephone arises, she only has one option left: gain the help of a lone sailor to right her wrongs or lose her friend to the clutches of the Underworld once and for all.

Author's Note: Hello again! I am very excited to again be featured in the spotlight round. There was so much well provided information given to me in my last round that has helped me improve, so I look forward to what you all can teach me and show me in this round as well :) 

Questions:

1. What feelings did you have about this being the opening chapter for this book?

2. Were you able to immerse yourself in the reading or was there too much going on that you were unable to focus or were confused by anything?

3. Are the relationships between characters at this point genuine or do they feel rushed? Please give me all of your thoughts and advice when answering these questions :)

Winning Comment: [Congratulations on the spotlight, Lyssagirl7686! I've always been fond of Greek mythology, so it was lovely to read your take on it. I thought I'd start this review by answering the week's comment, and then work my way through your questions!

CT - THE MOOD

You painted a beautiful scene (using flowing descriptions such as "Her dark, wavy hair spilled down her back in flowing tresses, a crown of silver woven through the mass...," "A breeze wove in and out of the meadows, its whisper running across the ends of the grass and the blooms that had sheltered beneath them" and "Calanthe remained silent, her hair drifting lightly over her shoulder in the midday breeze"), and really gave this chapter an otherworldly feeling. Persephone's naivety worked wonderfully with the setting, but what I loved most was how far her innocence contrasted the feeling that something was about to go wrong. Though the focus remained on Persephone as she wandered around her garden of flowers, the fact that she was telling Alena not to protect her created a foreboding mood. This was perfectly captured in the lines: "Because there is great darkness in this world and you are the purest form of innocence itself. Your naivety is your strongest virtue, but it is also your greatest weakness. It blinds you to the dangers around you, the ones that seek to have you as their prize."

The only thing I'd like to bring up here in terms of suggestion is the use of exclamation marks, for example here: "You must wait! Your mother wishes only for your protection!". It might just be me being stingy with exclamation marks, but the use of them here makes me read the lines as if they're being shouted or heavily emphasized. Because of Persephone's calm attitude, I think the conversation would suit her better if it lacked some of the exclamations.

Q1 - OPENING CHAPTER

In a way, I think I'll be answering this question further as I discuss the characters...

...and the events, but there are a few things I can bring up here, the first one being that I think the very end of this chapter was incredibly hooking. Though I enjoyed getting to know Persephone before she was abducted, I think what really gripped me was seeing the aftermath, as it showed what terrible fates ("As punishment for your crimes against my daughter and the suffering you have instilled in my heart, I curse you to forever roam the deepest and darkest depths of the sea.") Alena is now forced to face. Because of that, I would suggest sizing down the chapter just a bit, for example by combing through the final scene and making sure it's not too drawn out. I loved your descriptions in this chapter, but I noticed that some of the lines were describing the same action, e.g. ""...she sent the maidens into the frigid, ice consuming waters near the land of Paestrum" + "With one final cry, the three women sank deep into the watery depths". Another example would be to erase the scene where all three protectors are wondering where Persephone has gone. That way, Alena's search for Persephone would ensue faster, which would keep the momentum going. Those are just ideas, though!

When it comes to the very first paragraph, I personally enjoyed that you brought me straight into the scene with Persephone's spoken words. The only thing I would suggest there is finding a way to establish the POV. Until the point where Hades arrives ("' Oh my dear, stop struggling,' Hades crooned..."), I felt that the narration remained focused on Alena, so I was abit surprised when it drifted away from her. That's just a minor thing, but I think clarifying the omniscience of the narration earlier would eliminate the confusion. :)

Overall, I think this chapter set up the premise of your story beautifully. You introduced the main characters and the conflict that removes them from the life they used to lead, and I think the story will only become more intriguing as it unfolds...

...Shortening some of the scenes would lend a more immediate tone to the danger that Persephone eventually faces here, but at the same time, I understand that you want to take your time.

Q2 - IMMERSION

I had no trouble following the sequences of events; I only found it thrilling when the chapter picked up in pace. Persephone's quick disappearance added mystery to the chase, and I would actually suggest emphasizing this by building up to the scene where she gets captured by Hades. For example, rather than writing, "'No!' Alena screamed, able to do nothing but stare in horror as a soul blackened chariot drawn by rotted, decaying horses pounded across the plain," I think it would be interesting to highlight the sound of hooves alerting Alena of the danger before she truly sees it. This is hinted at before, in lines such as "the sound that resembled that of Zeus' thunder," but I think specifying would make it even clearer to readers. That way, we'd truly see how Alena realizes what's about to happen just as she understands that she won't be able to reach Persephone in time.

(That being said, I absolutely LOVED this: "Time stopped as the god of the Underworld stretched away from the chariot to grab the young maiden. Her screams fell on deaf ears as the flowers from her hands scattered across the wind". The flow of your words was divine there!)

Additionally, one thing I was told during my spotlight round was to make sure not to use too many "her's" and "she's" during a scene where several female characters are present. For example, I would recommend specifying which character is doing what here: "Alena's skin prickled with fear as understanding flashed in Taryn's eyes, a dark red creeping up the back of her neck (whose neck?) as she rose (who rose?) to her feet and stepped forward". It's a small thing, but it helps the reader keep track of what is going on.

Q3 - RELATIONSHIPS/CHARACTERS

I personally loved the relationship between Persephone and Alena...

...and how Persephone almost seemed to shift between inferior and superior, For example, while Alena remained strong and stubborn, Persephone floated around calmly (e.g. "Persephone gently lifted a flower from the grassy meadow and watched its light velvety petals opened beneath her palms."), making her seem younger and more naive than her friend. And yet, despite Alena being the protector, Persephone was the one given dialogue tags such as "criticized" and "chastised". I really liked it!

One thing that would give me an even greater appreciation for the way their relationship works, though, would be for Alena to speak only of herself instead of "us" (e.g. "Do you not understand that you could be harmed when not in our company?"-> "Do you not understand that you could be harmed when not in my company?"). I know that wouldn't exactly work with "Your mother instilled Calanthe, Taryn and I as your protectors," but as I had only met Alena at this point, I would've felt even more connected if she spoke of herself as the main protector. In my opinion, that would work with Alena's personality, as it would add to the strength that's shown here: "Alena shot forward with a burst of energy, pushing through the burning agony that spread through her fatigued wings". She's a loyal and fierce friend, and I think she's the type of character to seize responsibility. (I've only known her for a chapter, though, so forgive me if I'm wrong!)

I think the dynamics between the three protectors were interesting, too, and I think part of that was Taryn's vicious attitude. The only thing I would suggest is to not have her stroke Alena, as I felt that the violence occurred rather suddenly. There could still be anger between the two of them as they look for Persephone, but it could be less blatant, as their main focus should be to find Persephone. (I did suggest removing this scene earlier, but if you want to keep it, this would keep the conversation...

...focused on the task at hand.)

I should probably wrap this up before I take up too much of your time, haha! As I said at the start of this, I really enjoyed getting this glimpse of your otherworldly story. I may have shown up at the very end of your spotlight round, but I hope my comment has still been helpful in some way. Great, great job!]

Network with this Winner: reaweiger because of the tone the reviewer kept with me as they complimented and critiqued my work. Throughout the entire review it felt as though the reviewer were speaking to an equal writer of talent, and their suggestions were greatly insightful and appreciated by me.]

First runner-up: Casparita because of the way in which the reviewer spoke with such honesty yet kindness. Opinion and ideas were not spared with this review and the feedback I was able to receive in association to my questions was thorough and decisive, as well as very enlightening on my more or less detail debate. ]

Second runner-up: KellyJBurke because of how this reviewer approached the review in terms of grammar and construction methods. Being somewhat blind in this area, I was happy to receive feedback in which someone described ways in which my grammar, the pace throughout the chapter, and the construction of the chapter as a whole with characters and all could be improved upon.]

Honorable mentions: mYu514

Final author's note: [ Thank you again for a wonderful and learning experience for myself during my time in the spotlight. I appreciate the time and effort that the members of this amazing community put together, and I look forward to the ways in which their feedback with help me stretch and develop further as a writer.]  

Author #2: MichaelHoliday

Book: Sea Devil

Genre: Adventure

Specified Chapter: You Found Me

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/487684745-sea-devil-nbr-spotlight-chapter-you-found-me

Chapter Rating: Mature for blood, gore, high-adrenaline and death on the high seas.

Gore Level: Blood and Gore

Summary: Calm waters turn choppy and a storm sets in, the perfect conditions for the Sea Devil to wreak havoc on complacent seaward vessels. But Captain James Whitebeard and his seasoned crew have met their fair share of trials on the water.

As the tempest grows, the Sea Devil takes more and more of the crew overboard to their deaths. With ranks thinning quickly, Whitebeard has a trick or two up his sleeve . . . and they'd better work, or the beast threatening to consume them all will usher in their watery graves.

Author's Note: Thank you for reading! And BIG thanks to NBR for steering this crazy ship even in the most grueling of waters. Here are my questions.

Questions:

1. This was an old prologue of mine for the sequel in progress to my manuscript, CHASING IMMORTALITY. Sidelining the debate of "prologue versus no prologue," does this chapter hook you to want and read more? (if so, when do you get hooked)

2. What is your favorite part & why?

3. Optional additional question. I feel that the explosives box in SEA DEVIL marked "TNT" always seemed like a bit out of a "Wile E. Coyote" cartoon. Any suggestions on a better label or name would be great.

Winning Comment: Thank you again to all who reviewed, SEA DEVIL. The overall acceptance of my spotlight bolstered my confidence as a writer and also confirmed a few of the mistakes I am making (need to fix those). Enough blabbering, you're all are here to see who won, right?

Here is the winning comment:

COMMENT TOPIC: - [mood of the chapter, describing feelings while reading, then how author was able to do it] I felt like I was in the middle of a howling storm and then a death battle with the Krakken. OK, I felt like I was in Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Things that brought me into this mood were the description of the sea and the ship. I wish we had a bit more description of the characters, though. I really don't know what any of them looked like except that the captain had a whitebeard.

QUESTION 1: [chapter hook and make you want to read more? If so, where's the hook?] Definitely felt hooked, but I was probably hooked in a different place than the average reader: "Make no mistake, Mister Blud, 'tis no storm . . . Something's out there." Overall, the writing was great. I was pulled in from the start into this wonderful sea tale. I think with a bit more introduction of the senses, you will be able to capture our attention even more. However, since you said this was originally the prologue to "Chasing Immortality," I don't think I'd want to read that book after this prologue. I would have assumed Whitebeard went down with the Krakken. If he survived, I'd want a pirate's tale of how he survived and continued his piracy, not a sci-fi movie about how he is transported in time to future times or what have you.

QUESTION 2: [What is your favorite part and why?] Part: The Sea Devil - I loved how you described everything going on. The story really took on the flavor of a pirate battle. The Krakken was grotesque, just like he should be. I loved how you dropped in details like "the canons synchronized with the lightning." QUESTION 3: [TNT on box too cartoonish. Suggestions?] OK, my days as a Disneyland annual passholder are helping here. How about "Explosivo"? That's what they use in the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction. Even if the captain is British, they could have stolen the gunpowder from a Spanish port or ship.

And the winner is... SapphireAlena.

Network with this Winner: @SapphirAlena showered me with a wealth of editing suggestions and shared her expertise regarding the subject matter. I got both an English teacher and a lost generation pirate... twice removed from the Pirate Queen. You know when someone takes a lot of time on a review and for that I am especially grateful. I listed Alena's answers to my questions as my winning comment, but really it was her overall review: the comments, the suggestions and her thoughtfulness. Thanks for the love! <3

First runner-up: amymarshmallow had tons of inline comments too. She had some well-grounded points of concern and pointed out positive ways for improvement (which I like).

Second runner-up: KellyJBurke for his positive comments on where, why and how to improve. Inline comments were great! This was another reviewer that you could tell spent some time on the task.

Honorable mentions: aqsamustaf would have been somewhere in the roundup above had it not been for the late posting. Sorry, I don't make up the rules, but I do appreciate you coming through with a great review after the buzzer.

Final author's note: I can't say thank you enough to all those who weighed anchor aboard the Santa Muerte. And a BIG thanks to all those that keep NBR shipshape. Enjoy the rest of the year, everyone... the NBR season and any holidays that you celebrate... I'm a Merry Christmas, but I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year in 2018. Haha... I said it first!  

Author #1: leah_tee

Book: A Double Life

Genre: Fantasy

Specified Chapter: Chapter 7 - Unsavory Characters *NBR Version* 

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/495000275-a-double-life-chapter-seven-unsavoury-characters

Chapter Rating: PG

Gore Level: A little for some stabbing...

Summary: This story is a twist on Cinderella and the film Ever After. Rowan is a maid in her childhood home, working for her step-mother, Augusta, with little to no thought about the fact that she could change her life. Her true parents died when she was very young, so she's only known life under Augusta's thumb. After a close-call hiding from her step-brother, Nicholas, Rowan finds a secret compartment in her father's desk. Inside is his long-lost will, stating that everything should have been left to Rowan years before. She has escaped the house with the help of the staff and is on her way to the capital to hire a lawyer to set things straight. 

Author's Note: Fourth time is the charm, with yet another genre! This time, as a moderator, I'm more humbled than ever by all the work that goes into this amazing endeavor. I can't wait for this to be ripped apart. Well, actually, I can, but probably best to just rip off the band-aid, right? *Cringes* Please be nice. 

Questions:

1. This was, until recently, my most popular story on Wattpad. This past summer I put this through a full revamping, changing names, relationships, and the setting itself, but I can tell it still needs a lot of work. Suggestions as to where those areas might be in particular?

2. Of all the chapters, this is probably one of the most action-heavy scenes. How is the flow and comprehension for you as a reader?

3. Are the characters each unique enough for them to stand out in the action, or do they blend into one another? 

Winning Comment: [You can omit in-line comments that would not make sense standing alone. Do not omit CTs or author questions, even if they are in-line.]

Overall
Hello Thanks for sharing Double Life – I enjoyed the swiftness of the read, and especially the emotion and mood prevalent in the early half of the chapter. You established a great sense of tension, which I will discuss momentarily. As for big picture questions, I'll jump into that during my response to Question 1. On to the comment topic...

CT (1 of 4)
Regarding mood, I jotted down the feelings generated in my first pass through the story, so as to ensure I got a proper read and was not making a more calculated impression based upon subsequent reads, which lose some of the honesty of a first impression. With that being the case, my initial read ran a gamut, easing early into a low tension that built to dread, prolonged terror, momentary confusion, and then culminated in relief with the death of the bald assailant. As we jumped into the action, I became somewhat emotionally disconnected, but as her discussion with Alex began, relief turned to disgust, joy, and frustration. All of that being said, the chapter is largely dominated by tension and/or terror for me. So on to the crux of it... why these emotions?


Over the first couple of paragraphs the information presented seemed more like general background and didn't lock me into any particular emotion or mood, yet then you introduced the following line:

"One freezing and wet night during the third week, I'd had no choice but to stay at an inn. For the first and last time."

That foreshadowing quickly sent my guard up and brought the tension sliding in.

Then, as Rowan woke by her camp, tension boiled into a sense of dread. For this reader at least, that emotion became triggered by the little details:

"...moss clinging to my hair."
"...peered over the damp log..."
"in the dappled, early light."
"...a smouldering pile of charred wood."
"His ears were turned back..."
"...his hooves trampling the underbrush with muffled thuds."

CT (2 of 4)

I realize that I essentially just pulled out the entire first paragraph of that waking moment, but perhaps that is the point of it. For that paragraph, time slowed. The reader jumped into Rowan's point of view and saw the world with her, bit by minuscule bit, and in that attention to detail, in that grounding in reality, and that slowing into just the finest of details, the reader's attention is demanded and they are forced to be alert along with Rowan, creating the dread of imminent danger.

That dread quickly shifted to terror when the reality of Rowan's situation became clear. As the four assailants showed themselves it became impossible not to fear for Rowan. This fear, however, was not generated simply by their presence, but again by the attention to detail in drawing out the most horrific moments of that early encounter:

"Hands smacked against my body, trying to grab and hold my arms."
"I couldn't see them, but the smell of their hot breath on my neck..."
"Flecks of blood, warm and wet, splattered my right cheek..."
"Sharp and intense, a white-hot pain lanced across my ribs."
"... a fist wrapped in my loose hair. My head was yanked back, exposing my neck."
"...settling his weight on my legs, and grasped the sides of my mouth."
"Rough, filthy fingers worked to pry apart my jaw."
"Eyes watering..."
"The bald man rubbed my throat in abrasive strokes..."

CT (3 of 4)

Every last one of these lines has a major thread in common: they put the reader not as an outside observer but directly in the experience of Rowan. They describe her most intimate sensations – touch and smell – and they do so evoking horrific experience: smacked against my body; hot breath; warm and wet; sharp and intense; fist wrapped in my loose hair; weight on my legs; rough, filthy fingers; watering; abrasive strokes. Each does more than describe an action, but truly lets us feel that moment with Rowan. More, these descriptions don't just describe Rowan's sensations, but sensations as acts are being committed against her: smacked; trying to grab and hold my arms; on my neck; across my ribs; my loose hair; My head was yanked back; on my legs; the sides of my mouth; to pry apart my jaw; rubbed my throat. It is that intimacy of feeling these acts mixed with horrific violation against her, the powerlessness of being forced under someone else's will, that builds true and deep terror.

Briefly in this moment, the terror is moderated by a hint of mystery as the question of the bean is presented, and the reader wonders what is being done to Rowan. That mystery, however, abates and turns to relief as "a silver bald burst through the bald man's chest." At that moment the reader knows that someone has come to Rowan's aid, and we feel fairly certain that she is going to be okay. In fact, it occurs to me now as I break this down for analysis, that the tension dissipates at this moment and through the rest of the action not because we know someone has come to save Rowan, but because Rowan is immediately removed from jeopardy. After the bald man dies, the one-eyed man and the red-haired man turn all of their attention on Alex. From here on out, the action is described not in how it relates physically and intimately to Rowan but from an observer's perspective.

CT (4 of 4)

"He tripped and splayed across the ground..."
"Red was cradling his arm, blood gushing from the place where his hand had once been."
"I flinched as the taller man didn't move fast enough, and the blade sliced through his blue shirt."
"...he left bloody handprints on the passing tree trunks."

Almost every action, until Rowan stands up with her bow is someone else's action observed by her: he tripped; Red was cradling; the taller man didn't move fast enough; he left bloody handprints. Even if someone is the recipient of an action it isn't Rowan: sliced through his shirt. That loss of intimacy, and that removal of Rowan from being a recipient of action, alleviates the fear for her person.

As Rowan does return to the action, preparing to shoot the fleeing bandit, the story is a realm of safety. We have no fear for her or Alex, and so emotionally, at least I as a reader, focused in on the interaction with Alex. Here is where terror and relief became replaced with disgust. This man that acted as her savior immediately assumes a superior role and begins talking down to the protagonist, assuring her that the shot she is attempting to make is impossible. At that point, he's lost me. Countering that disgust is an obvious sense of satisfaction and joy as Rowan makes the shot, but then the game of keep away begins and frustration with Alex's bullying and the mistreatment of Rowan takes center stage. Yes, he saved her and Rowan doesn't really acknowledge that, but she does not owe him anything, and his schoolyard antics make me want to retaliate in kind and punch him in the face. That frustration reaches critical mass, mixing with renewed disgust when he forces a thank you from Rowan.

CT (5 of 4 - yes I miscalculated)

And that completes my emotional journey through the NBR segment of the chapter. My main suggestion here would be that if you wish to maintain the dread and terror longer, then having one of the assailants stay focused on Rowan, or having them take turns trying to fight off Alex while the other tries to haul her away, may prolong her jeopardy, diminish the sense of relief, and keep the reader locked more viscerally with her peril.

Q1 (1 of 4)

So now on to big picture, specifically what areas of the chapter might benefit from some additional work.

First and foremost, I'd primarily look at further describing the four assailants, as right now they can become somewhat hard to distinguish in the action sequence during the back half (which I will discuss in Questions 2 & 3). My main suggestion for addressing this would be to provide a preliminary description of them at the tavern. As is, the only description we have of Rowan's account during the tavern encounter is: "One glance at the ugly pack of 'unsavoury characters' leering at me in the corner was enough, and food in hand, I raced back upstairs."

That amount of detail, however, does not allow the reader to live the moment with Rowan. Perhaps we could see the moment through her eyes more, casually stopping on a couple of the assailants. If so, we'd have a firmer grasp of each when they arrive later to help the reader keep the action clear. For example:

Q1 (2 of 4)

"A few minutes waiting at the bar was all it took for an uneasy chill to creep down my spine." [The main room reeked of ill-repute (not to mention the general stink of smoke and sweat), and 'unsavoury characters' seemed ready to leap from every corner.]

[By the door, a behemoth man bearing a tangled beard slurped a bowl of stew as if he hadn't eaten in days – something that seemed contradicted by his thick arms and bulging gut. As he let out a satisfactory belch, I turned my gaze by the fire, where a small band of soldiers played cards. Not a one bore a full set of matching gear, wearing an eclectic mix of leather, chain, and plate that begged how much of that armor had been legally gained. At last, my patience for my order dwindling, I cast my eyes upon a far corner drenched in shadow. That's when my spine truly ran cold. A one-eyed man stared out from beneath a dark hood. What I could see of his face was clean-shaven and oddly soft when compared with the hardness of that one, unblinking eye. ...]

My point is not to suggest that you take the language offered, but just to illustrate how the scene at the tavern could be elongated in order to give a decent introduction to some of the bandits. It wouldn't even need to be too much in that one scene, as I would also suggest a small blurb introducing each as they first appear during their assault of Rowan. Allowing them a moment of action (much like the one featuring the scarred man), where they come alive on the page individually could do much to establish them in the mind of the reader.

Q1 (3 of 4)

Beyond clarifying the four assailants, I would highly recommend addressing the segue between the flashback to the tavern and waking up on the morning that those assailants attack Rowan. Currently the transition feels abrupt, jumping from Rowan being kept awake by paranoia, to a SNAP, and her jerking awake. While the trying to stay awake to snapping awake works as a good transition, especially in sentence structure, the reader is left trying to orient around the time gap and may need some quick clarity. This could be extremely simple. For instance, something along the lines of:

"...moss clinging to my hair. [It had been a week since leaving that tavern, but the sense of dread had never left.]"

Q1 (4 of 4)

As addressed in the comment topic, increasing the tension in the back half of the chapter from the moment Alex arrives through to the moment that Rowan readies her bow to shoot the fleeing bandit, could also be beneficial. As this has already been addressed I won't drag it out here, but merely reiterate that by keeping Rowan more invested in the action after Alex's arrival, the sense of jeopardy and terror may be able to be prolonged, increasing reader engagement.

Finally, and of only minor note, there are a few moments where the language used hits on more modern colloquial, which may work to the story's detriment. Where possible, I'd look for alternative phrasing. The two prime examples of this that come immediately to mind are:

1) When Rowan discusses how she had the situation "under control;" and
2) When Alex asks Rowan, "Do you know these guys?"

Whether accurate or not, both leave a modern ring in their wake that distracts from the storytelling.

Q2 (1 of 3)

Chapter comprehension and flow began strong, but it did stutter as the action began. The first moment where I noticed the flow beginning to lose comprehension came as Rowan elbowed one of her assailants, and the other confronted her.

"The other man clamped a hand over my mouth to stifle my screeches."

At this moment in the story we have only "seen" the scarred bandit that she shot with an arrow, and then she was assailed and felt the hands trying to grab hold of her. However, as readers are not presented yet with a visual of either additional assailant (bald man or red-haired man), when the story calls out the other man my mind goes immediately to the scarred man that she shot. If, however, a visual is provided of each then perhaps more specificity can be provided here. Even something as simple as "The other man to my right..." could help clarify that this is not the bald having freed himself.

This continues through much of the rest of the chapter, not overtly confusing, but just a little choppy. The main problem for this reader is that there are five characters that are all men and each with roughly one physical attribute to reference – the bald man, the scarred man, the one-eyed man, the red-haired man, and the tall man or stranger. Then when pronouns, possessive or otherwise, like he and him, are thrown into the mix, clarity can quickly dissolve. Perhaps some longer descriptions could help here, such as:

Q2 (2 of 3)

"Red was cradling his arm, blood gushing from the place where his hand had once been. [He didn't even bother to search for his sword, which lay abandoned on the forest floor, for his eyes had swollen nearly shut, and it was unlikely he could see much further than his own hands. The bandit stood, panicked, and completely at the Stranger's mercy, although it didn't appear there was any mercy to spare. This tall, would-be rescuer, [raised his sword to deliver a final blow, but] toppled, suddenly swept from his feet by One-eye. The bastard scrambled to his feet in a blink, adjusting his patch as he did. It had shifted in the coarse of battle, briefly revealing a milky white eye beneath, and a webbed patchwork of his own scars.]"

My point here is simply to allow each moment to breathe, giving the reader longer to orient themselves with the action and to allow each character to stand out. In the passage above we are reminded of Red's bruised eyes, one-eye is given further detail with the description of his own battle scar (all concealed beneath his eye patch, to distinguish him from the scarred man), and the stranger is called out as her would-be rescuer, as all of these men are strangers and it helps to separate him from the others.

I suggest looking for numerous areas throughout the action (especially after Alex arrives) in which similar detail can be added. Perhaps when One-eye takes Red's sword and slices Alex's shirt and when The one-eyed man slips on the grass and Alex brings his hilt down on his head. This latter is especially confusing as it references the One-eyed man, then 'he' as one-eye trips, then 'the man' bringing down his hilt. As he is a reference to the one-eyed man, a clarifier other than just 'the man' would seem more appropriate for Alex for quickly distinguishing action.

Q2 (3 of 3)

One final area of confusion arose after Rowan mentions having pinned the scarred man to a tree.

""The other one!" I insisted. "The scarred one. I pinned his hand to the trunk.""

"He strode through the bushes and swooped down. When he straightened, one of my white fletched arrows was pinched between his own reddened fingers."

On first reading I absolutely read this as the scarred man emerging from the bushes, then brandishing the arrow he'd plucked from his bloodied (reddened) hand – almost as if a boss battle preparing to begin. Simply switching he in this instance to Alex would clarify it.

"Alex strode through the bushes and swooped down."

Q3 (1 of 2)

This question has been pretty much answered in the previous analysis. While Rowan is distinct, within the action presented most of the characters blend in with each other, especially the bandits. Even Alex blends in during the fight as he is referred to as the stranger, the man, or the tall man. As everyone here is a stranger and a man, and I don't recall a height reference on any of the other characters, any of those monikers could be applicable to any person. Also, as each villain is only distinguished by a physical trait it does provide some further confusion as nothing other than one trait is used for distinguishing. Is one of them mute? Soft spoken? Is one brash and aggressive while another is more persuasive, trying to put her at ease. For instance:

"I brought my elbow up behind me and smashed it into the face of one of my assailants. [I couldn't get a good look at him, but I felt a] crack, and a deep bellow of pain echoed in my ear. Flecks of blood, warm and wet, splattered my right cheek and soaked through my sleeve. His grip weakened, but not long enough for me to take the upper hand."

["Everything will be okay," his companion said. His voice flowed smooth like the gentle flow of water in a brook. It held a soothing quality that did not belong here. "If you just don't fight," he continued, "no harm will come to you. We don't want to hurt you." At that moment, he grabbed my arm and spun me to face him. His head shone in the morning sun, bald and smooth as his serpentine voice. I knew better than to trust those words.]

"[I screamed, and he] clamped a hand over my mouth, stifling my screeches...."

Q3 (2 of 2)

In the end, a fight sequence with five different men involved that are all unknown to the narrator and thus lack names will always be somewhat confusing, but the more that can be done to distinguish each character - not just up front, but also in the moment – the better. Simply slowing the action and allowing it to breathe long enough to make out not just the physical qualities but also the mental qualities and quirks of these bandits could go a long way to helping ground readers and providing for a more comprehensible battle.

However you choose to frame it/adjust it, you have a great battle here, with some wonderful early tension, and this can be played to great strength. I wish you the best in your future edits!

Network with this Winner: ChristopherOpyr

I don't know what to say other than, dude, I need to fold you up and put you in my pocket for analysis of this depth whenever I need a second pair of eyes on my work. I am humbled by the attention you gave this chapter, and I will take a lot of what you said to heart, if not to paper.

First runner-up: Daniel_Barnett

Daniel, your comments stuck with me. While not the first to say it, yours was the first suggestion of building out the beginning into a new chapter that actually made me excited to do it, so thank you for that.

Second runner-up: AmyMarieZ

Amy, you hit a lot of things on the nail, and your suggestions are spot on! Will definitely be looking closer at those.

Honorable mentions: shellyxleonn

Final author's note:

Well, I have to thank Wattpad and life for making that the least stressful spotlight ever. The former for being so buggy and impossible to use for the week, and the latter for flipping on its head and keeping me distracted. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't receive super mixed reviews. It took some time to sift through it all, but I got what I needed, and that's what matters. It's like they say, don't bother trying to write a book to please everyone, because you never will. 

Author #2: Daniel_Barnett

Book: Poor Things

Genre: Coming-of-age/adventure/horror

Specified Chapter: 1. Road Trip

Chapter Link: https://www.wattpad.com/447209984-poor-things-1-road-trip

Chapter Rating: PG-13 Not mature, but it does feature adult language and violence

Gore Level: Minimal blood (mention of road kill and aftermath of accident where things are implied, not explicit) 

Summary: After a tragic accident, football star Joel Harper finds himself rolling his wheelchair into a new school in a strange town. Soon he's making friends of misfits, taking lessons in Iron Maiden, and dodging a ruthless bully with a penchant for switchblades. Little is he aware, something ancient and wounded has awoken deep beneath the tiny mountain community, and all of Honaw will know its pain.

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for doing your thing here, on stage or behind the scene! This is my first season of NBR, and I'm thrilled to be a part of it all. I've only had a glimpse at the spotlights so far, but I can already tell what a fun and valuable resource this community provides.

Questions:

1. Things get pretty slippery/disorienting following the main "event" of the chapter, because of Joel's shattered—and not entirely trustworthy—mental state. As a result, the reader is left with a lot of questions (such as, what exactly happened to his mom?). My hope is that these questions will prompt the reader to continue on for answers. What do you think? Did the opening of the book, as a whole, make for an effective hook?

2. The horror genre often comes with a rigid set of expectations, and Poor Things is undeniably a horror novel—but it is also a coming-of-age story, with a focus on friendship, family, and the struggles of adolescence. The scary stuff sits on the back burner for most of the first act before coming to a true boil in the second. So here's my question: for those of you who like horror, what do you want from the genre? What MUST a story deliver to keep you invested? And for those of you who don't typically go for the genre, what—if anything—would pique your interest in a horror novel and keep you turning the pages?

Winning Comment: Overall (1 of 2):

Hi Daniel. Good to be reading your work as always. Although I've fallen behind on Poor Things over the past few weeks (month(s)?) as you're aware I'm pretty far along in the story, and have loved every moment of the ride. In fact, I can't wait to return to finish the adventure with Joel, Ash, and the whole gang. That said, I'm coming to this chapter with the obvious bias of someone that knows where we are headed (at least through the first half – 2/3rds of the book). This might be a disservice to you, especially as it pertains to the comment topic. To really give an accurate account of emotion in the reader / mood created, I feel it best to be filtering those details from a first read, unbiased by the easing, and potential skimming, of a second, third, or later read. So, when it comes to that, I'll do the best I can to recall initial emotions and amplify my current read to try to create an accurate first impression.

All that aside, if you're interested in how it holds up after already plowing through much of your book, I can tell you it stands the test of time so far. I don't mean this to sing your praises, as I imagine we at NBR are all looking for helpful feedback rather than a fan club, but you should know that even with foreknowledge of where this is headed, the dread holds. They mystery holds. The intrigue holds. Basically, I felt as I engaged now as I did when I first read it. I felt this enough that I could imagine myself rereading this book after I finish, which as a slow reader I reserve for very few books.

Overall (2 of 2):

Now for the caveat. I remember that the first time I read this I was wildly confused. I cannot now recall if that came from a late night read with exhaustion setting in (likely with my wattpad habits), or if it came from details in later chapters that didn't seem to mesh. I've skimmed ahead again as far as the 6th chapter and can't find anything that would have sent me into confusion mode, so I think it had to have come from my initial read. That being the case, all I can say is that the first chapter reads far less confusing on a reread after having delved much further into the book (or after getting more sleep). I do recall, however, that my confusion in the first instance focused around the mother and the bear and not the earlier events of the chapter.

Anyway, onwards to the topic at hand.

CT (1 of 5):

So, what was the emotional roller coaster of this chapter? Dread. You filled this reader with a deep, dark helping of dread almost throughout the entire chapter. Yes, you have moments of levity in some of the banter between the brothers, yet, even that banter has an undercurrent of rising terror that never lets me relax. Basically, for me, this chapter boils down emotionally to a gradual build of tension that never lets up until it explodes.

Great. You've created tension. But how? Here's how I see it...

It all starts with poor, poor deer, "its stomach blown out like a bad tire and steaming in the cool country air."

But a dead deer doesn't tension make. No, a dead deer unnerves us. We, the readers, are not even allowed a single breath before you've made sure we are on edge.

Then you start the tension. No brake, no pause, you just hit the acceleration and let the tension build.

"That steam should have told me right then that what we were staring at was fresh, hot off the platter.."

The idea of a fresh kill creates an immediate sense of tension. Was it run over? Or did something else get it, and if so what? Is it still around? The questions begin to swirl and the tension rises up with them.

Of course, you refuse to let us breathe, as I've mentioned, so immediately "the deer lifted its head, and Jesus Christ, it wasn't dead, it was dying, the deer was ripped in half and it was still dying."

Not only do you paint a clear, gory picture of the kill in progress, immediately hitting the unnerving button again, but now we are emotionally right there with Joel. You've placed us there with the little hint of Joel's reference (Jesus Christ and the italicized dying), emphasizing his own anxiety at the affair and locking the reader in with him.

CT (2 of 5)

From there you ratchet right up from unnerved to pure disturbed. "Juices trickled darkly from the creature's still body. Something inside of me unclenched." Again, we are rooted in Joel's psyche, but now we're receiving more gory details.

Still, gore doesn't equal horror. It doesn't equal tension. But we still have that thought of the fresh kill building that tension in the back of our heads when the father suggests running it over. Readers know it would be a mercy kill, but we're still riding into an ever darker narrative. You, as the writer, even hammer home that "it's the right thing to do. It's the only thing to do."

Then the reader is kept on edge, not because the father runs the deer over, but because he doesn't. An expectation has been set and the narrative laughs at us and says nope, not today. The father drives off leaving the deer dying, and the reader doesn't just get the sense of the poor animal whimpering a slow death. No, the reader is given a full image of "its head rising and falling, rising and falling."

We are not just driving in the dark of night through an unfortunate accident, but now we're in a moral darkness where right and wrong have been acknowledged and wrong has been chosen.

From here we could have reached a lull. Narrative-wise we've cut further up the road with two brothers arguing in the backseat. We still have that dead deer nagging at the back of our mind, but it is not in our face dying. Still, instead of allowing the tension to break, new methods are found to keep it building. For one, the very first sentence of the narrative reprieve: "We went on, winding through the twists and curves, the moon sliced by tree branches and served down onto the road in slivers."

The imagery and the action is no longer unnerving, so you serve up words like slice and slivers in what could have just been a description of the moon hidden by trees. You've kept the mood in the style of the description's delivery.

CT (3 of 5)

Besides the word choice, the story continues to plant hints of impending danger so that throughout the argument between the two brothers, the thought of danger is never far from the reader's mind. For instance, the first paragraph of the post-deer section peppers in that the father is speeding, and then drives this notion home with a long and rather powerful description of the mother's anxiety. So now we have a speeding father, an anxious mother, arguing brothers, and a dead deer freshly killed. The world is building with problems, and, knowing the genre, I feel we are very much in the quiet before the storm... or for another storm analogy, as we've already passed a dead deer and are just in a break before the next hit, we are in the eye of the hurricane, which is always a nice calm before getting very, very dark.

Then the father has to hit the nail on the head. "You'll live," he tells Max. Any genre fan knows Max's death sentence has now been signed. At this point the story has dived well into an overwhelming sense of dread.

All the while, the argument continues to escalate, and anyone used to kids and parenting has to wonder, are these two arguing going to distract the father and cause an accident. It may be a red herring, but it's a good one that works effectively. Seemingly adding to that worry, the road continues to throw out hints of danger.

"A bend in the road pushed us all to the side."

"Air whined through a crack in the passenger door."

"He slid a few inches toward me on the seat, no belt to hold him back..."

Now we, the readers, have to worry that our characters are speeding, at night, on a windy road, on a mountain, with a bad passenger door, all while one of the kids is not wearing a seat belt.

CT (4 of 5):

Apparently not satisfied that this is enough, the author (yes, I'm talking about you, Daniel), decides what the hell, why not lot the dialogue itself ratchet up the tension, because you know, my readers deserve heart attacks while I'm at it. So, off we go and Joel begins to discuss the hit.

"You know what the trick is?" I said. "To giving a hit?"

"You can't be scared. No."

"You have to feel the hit before the hit."

"You have to feel it in your bones, that impact."

"And you have to want it."

All of this dialogue could have been one block, but separated, it worked so much better. Narrative peppered between each line, emphasizing the impending doom: the slide along the seat with no seat belt, mom's left hand clenching, headlights along the mountainside, smacking the ball with his hand. Each line is accompanying one more foreboding detail, until the monologue ends, he hits his football, and smack, the accident happens and all hell breaks loose.

CT (5 of 5)

Then comes shock as Joel finds Max's head in his lap. Even here you don't let the reader off easy. Joel feels something in his lap. It must be the football. Then his darkened vision has to fade back in, only to then reveal he is holding his brother's head.

And of course we have been shocked, because we are with Joel and that is exactly what he is experiencing in that moment: shock. His actions and thoughts scream it across the page. His unwavering focus on that football despite all the carnage and death keeps the reader in shock with him.

Then comes the search for his mother, and something dragging itself across the road, "rising and falling, rising and falling." We are slammed right back to the dead deer, its head rising and falling as they drive away leaving it to die, and all the dread is back, because the audience knows that the accident wasn't the end and worse yet is coming.

To a hand in a bear's jaw and the blazing white of another car shooting around the bend straight for Joel, the hits keep coming. From word choice, to foreshadowing, to plants of danger (speeding, seat belt, mountainside), to unnerving imagery (dying deer, Max's head), to moral quandaries (leaving the deer to die), to red herrings (the backseat argument), you went all in to create tension and it held to the very last moment.

Q1

Again, I come to this with bias, but at least it also bears truth. Your opening is confusing. As I've said, the first time I read it, I didn't know what had happened after the accident. I wasn't sure what they hit, if the bear was his mom or an actual bear, or if a bear somehow ate his mom whole, or what strange devilry had occurred. I had many, many questions. Honestly I still do. I'm now convinced that there was in fact a bear, and that at the same time Joel did grab his mom's hand to get her diamond ring, but as far as the truth of how that happened, I'm clueless.

And even with that being the case, I've read deep into this book. Once I can open up some free time between my own writing, reviews, work, and the general craziness of adult life, I will be finishing this book. It is already on my horror gems list, which I am extremely selective about, and as you've heard elsewhere, I have little but praise for your writing. So, the answer is, yes, even with confusion, this chapter hooks. It hooked me even when I was more confused than I am now.

Could the chapter have more clarity? Well I'm not entirely certain you haven't changed it since my first read, but if you haven't my gut tells me some additional clarity might be necessary around the mother and the bear, or at least around what Joel perceives he is seeing with his mother and the bear, but even without it you hooked this reader. Take that for whatever it is worth...

Q2 (1 of 6)

As a fellow horror writer, I am a definite fan of the genre. As we've discussed in the past I'm an ardent fan of Stephen King, H.P. Lovecraft, Edgar Allen Poe, and Joe Hill, among others, and I find many similarities between your work and these authors – especially King and Lovecraft. Their influence seems quite strong.

But as a horror fan and writer, I am often considered an odd one out. I'm not a fan of gore. I don't enjoy excessive death or voyeuristic kills (as per Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street), nor do I enjoy the torture porn of films like Hostel or Saw. Admittedly I've veered out of literature and into television and cinema, but the examples seemed clearer for illustrating my point in a concise fashion. What I am trying to get at is that my tastes in horror do not always align with what I find brings other readers (or viewers) to the genre.

What I look for most are character, reality, psychology, and tension. Now I prefer that with a dose of the supernatural as well, which I'll get into momentarily.

So, to keep me invested, I have to believe you. I have to believe the writer and the story. I have to feel that it is real, that the characters have depth, dimensionality, and psychology. I have to buy the world so deeply that I can truly feel the tension of the characters and that the only disbelief being suspended is at the supernatural conceit at the core, not at the actions of the characters, details of the setting, or intricacies of the world order.

Q2 (2 of 6)

That said, if a writer's characters are realistic, their world is realistic, their details are accurate, then they've gained my attention. From there, I need to see tension. Is there foreshadowing? Is there a sense of danger, of something greater at play? If the answer is yes, and it doesn't have to be much, as I love a slow burn, then the author has bought my time.

Now comes psychology. With a good dose of tension, an intriguing supernatural conceit, and a realistic world and characters, as long as the writing style holds to a professional level of grammar spelling, sentence construction, etc., I'm likely to finish the book. But if I'm going to love the book, it needs to exude character. I want to see the psychology of the protagonists, and even the villains if at all possible. I want to understand what makes the characters tick, and I want to feel the tension with them. If I believe in them as real people, then commit to them because they present with enough depth and individuality to stand out, then I'm going to be so much more invested in the tension as they are put at risk throughout the narrative of the horror.

Q2 (3 of 6)

For instance, Michael Koryta's The Ridge was good horror, but not great. It had a unique world, set around a big cat reserve, the characters felt real enough, the details accurate, and the conceit of a strange lighthouse in the forest and its connection to a string of deaths sparked my interest, but the psychology of the characters never reached a depth that allowed me to love it. I felt much the same about Peter Benchley's White Shark for similar reasons. Interesting concept, well-written from a technical standpoint, and grounded in a greater reality, but the characters lacked depth.

Then there are the standouts: William Peter Blatty's The Exorcist, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Mary Shelly's Frankenstein, Joe Hill's Heart-shaped-Box, Stephen King's It, etc. How can one not be fully invested when surrounded by characters like Father Damien Karras and Chris MacNeil, Jonathan Harker and Van Helsing, Victor Frankenstein and the Monster, Judas Coyne and Georgia, and the kids of It's "The Losers Club." The deep psychologies explored with each of the characters is what keeps me coming back to these books again and again.

Q2 (4 of 6)

I believe that what it boils down to is that I use horror to vent my anxieties. I need real tension, which means I need real investment in the characters (an investment that increases exponentially with the depth of that character), a real world that grounds me and helps me buy the conflict of the characters (maintaining that tension), but just a slight break in reality (the supernatural element), allowing the transference I seek with the genre. Putting real characters, from a realistic setting, into a scenario that I cannot imagine myself being in (vampires, werewolves, Lovecraftian entities) allows me to displace my anxieties through the tension, fear, and release of horror. If, however, that horror would ground in such a way as to be too real (say Wes Craven's Last House on the Left) then it loses the ability for transference, because the reality of the scenario brings it too close to home for my own anxieties to release.

This whole thing may come across strange, and I can't say most lovers of horror seek the same release, but I've often wondered why we love horror, and after years of searching, I am convinced this is the utility served for me by the genre. I know it is, as for me the release others find in comedy often increases my tension in the way horror might for the comedy lover. Family drama, everyday drama, that might be inherent in coming of age comedies (think Freaks & Geeks, Wonder Years) or family comedies (Everybody Loves Raymond) leave me watching between fingers and from behind pillows and a nervous wreck afterwards. Give me horror any day of the week.

And now that I've said too much about myself, how does this pertain to Poor Things?

Q2 (5 of 6)

Your hook was the first chapter, but how you won me over and got me invested was Part I of the book – it was the slow build. Allowing me to get to know Joel, Ash, and Nip slowly over time, and crafting the dialogue with such an ear for realism, let me buy in to your world, therefore agreeing to allow for the suspension of disbelief at the core of its supernatural conceit. Just the dialogue between Max and Joel in the first chapter is telling:

"Why're we stopped? We there?"
"No, you dumb shit."

The language is real. The interactions are real. You even begin to pry into Joel's psychology. You hint at his football career (pretty clearly), and you delve into his darker elements like how he treated his mother. "She was too good for her own good, the kind of person life was going to hurt. So I hurt her myself, a little bit, in doses. I came home drunk. I butted my cigarettes where she would find them. I swore." That's all in Chapter 1.

Having read much further I know that Poor Things truly dives into Joel, Ash, Nip, and even Billy in ways that allows us to get to know them as individuals and as real people.

And if this reality, of setting and character, is what I'm looking for in horror (mixed with the supernatural), what do you have to do to keep me invested? You have to keep the slow burn, and you have to keep the reality of character and setting. If your world suddenly becomes overburdened with every paranormal phenomenon known to man (think True Blood), or your characters begin to veer into unrealistic territory (think John McClain in Die Hard's 4-5), or your plot jumps beyond the realm of believability, (think a nuclear blast and a refrigerator scene in the some movie about a Crystal Skull that is in no way associated with Indiana Jones) then my investment ends. But if you can remain true to your world within the context of the rules placed upon it by your conceit, maintain your characters' truths, and hold your tension, you have me.

Q2 (6 of 6)

With Poor Things, Part I had me hook, line, and sinker. I know it was a slow build, but that is exactly what I like. I've also read all of Part II and here is where my only true criticism holds. The plot really explodes after the Miner's Tale. For me this came close to breaking the believability of the world. Yes, it was contained within the conceit of the supernatural element, but it was the swiftness with which everything changed in light of the gradual pace of Part I that almost snapped the believability for me. That said, I still loved it, I only wish that the shift in the world and in the lives of the characters had occurred more gradually, perhaps taking another five chapters between the Miner's Tale and the events revealed at the end of One Last View as though the characters had been given some time to try to understand that tale and to try to prevent anything from happening, or deal with their own questions around its validity before the descent of the next chapter. That, however, is a personal preference, and you didn't lose this reader anyway. My investment remains.

I'm not sure how helpful any of that was, but maybe there is something you can glean from all of my ramblings. I look forward to reading more of your work soon!

Network with this Winner: ChristopherOpyr I received so many thoughtful responses to this chapter, but Chris really outdid himself here. The amount of detail he went into during his breakdown, and his incredibly in-depth discussion on the nature and value of horror, made his review truly stand out.

First runner-up: AmyMarieZ She gave such a thoughtful response, and gave so much attention to my second question--I really enjoyed the discussion we had.

Second runner-up: AshokaJackson A 14 post response, filled with great insights and commentary. Thank you so much for taking all this time to share your thoughts.

Honorable mentions: shellyxleonn

Final author's note: Wow, thank you all so much for your amazing responses. It was so difficult to choose the top three here. Seriously, I can't believe the attention that the first chapter received throughout its spotlight. I appreciate you all so much. This has been incredible!  

DIRECTIONS:

1. Go to EACH of the author's profile page, and find the book specified by the author.

2. Write one comment per author, but DO NOT write here. Write it in the author's own comment section. Be sure to answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the author's note. If your comment exceeds more than one comment box, reply to your own comment for the remaining sections.

(Do not comment on this book. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions and that you have completed the assignment.)

3. All comments must include the #NBR hashtag. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment, then your comment will be DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR, then comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply reply to your comment with another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more—remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to the scoring system in the rules.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way.

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR, then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!