Call me captain, I do it for my crew now

Felix ambushed me before I could escape to my room, pulling me into his room by my wrist and quickly looking down the hallway before shutting the door. "Yeji-noona," he said, abandoning the carefree look he'd had with Jisung, Chan and me a minute ago, speaking in English. "We need to talk."

I frowned, worry creasing my features. "What's happened?" I asked, also in English.

He groaned, sliding into a heap on the floor. "Hyunjin."

I arched an eyebrow. "Hyunjin happened?"

"Yes." He threw an arm over his eyes.

I slowly knelt down until I was at his level, waiting until he peeked at me from the crumpled pile he had folded into on the floor. "I am your self-designated wingwoman, so ... care to elaborate?"

Felix sighed heavily, pushing himself into a seating position. "His eyes. And his hair. And his face. And that stupid freckle-mole-thing under his eye. And his eyes. And his—"

"Okay, yes, you're a hopeless romantic," I said, cutting him off. "But that's not it, is it? Ever since you told me, you've seemed ... distant from him. I hope I didn't do anything?"

"No. Of course you didn't. It's just..." he swallowed. "Admitting how I felt to you was ... the first time I admitted it to myself, too. It was a shit ton easier to pretend like what I felt didn't exist, even if it hurt more." He rested his head against the doorframe. "Now I don't know how to act. What do I say around him? What do I do? You have to help me, Yeji."

I snorted. He looked at me through narrowed eyes. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, sorry. Just—" I covered my mouth to hide my laugh. "Felix ... you're a world-renowned idol, who probably has a networth of millions of dollars, and whose latest album topped Billboard charts, and yet—" my face split into a grin—"you have the love life of an angsty teenage boy."

Felix glared at me. "I'm aware of the irony. Can you move on to helping me now, please?"

"I can play some My Chemical Romance—"

"Please, Yeji." Felix caught my hands in his, looking up at me with those damn eyes that turned my heart into a melted puddle at the bottom of my stomach. "I have too much to lose."

"Okay." I rested my hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "I got you into this, somewhat; I'll help you through it." I paused. "If it helps, I don't think Hyunjin has noticed. He might be a little confused, but he has one of the thickest skulls I've ever seen. He's oblivious. Might be because of all that hair."

"That's part of the problem," Felix pointed out, banging his head against the wall. "If I tried to ... let him know, I guess? ... he wouldn't understand unless I told him outright. Gah." He covered his face with his hands. "I can't tell him. Ever. Even talking about it makes me want to bury myself until there's six feet of compacted dirt between me and problems."

I frowned, thinking. "Well, maybe ... maybe you don't have to tell him. Maybe this can be enough."

Felix peeked out from between his hands. "What does that mean?"

I sat with my back against the bookshelf, blowing out a breath in an attempt to order my thoughts into something cohesive. Since the side of the bookshelf was perpendicular to the wall, my feet almost touched Felix's legs. I reached out and pulled his hands away from his face; he sighed, then scooped up my feet and plopped them into his lap, crossing his legs.

"So I had a crush on Claire as soon as we met, right?" I said, and Felix nodded. "I'm the type that falls hard, and fast. The doodling-our-initials-in-my-notebook type. For a while—almost all of freshman year—I was pining after her, until I finally worked up the nerve to make a move. But even when she didn't know how I felt, we were still ... friends. We hung out a lot, talked to each other about pointless shit and shit I've never told anyone else. And I think, even though I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her, that would've been enough." I felt my lips turn up, the way they always did around her. "I could stand being close to her like that, even if I would always be wanting more—even if some part of me would never be satisfied. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd rather be stuck in the friend zone than be strangers."

Felix's brows knitted together as I talked, rubbing my feet absentmindedly. "Maybe it can be like that with you," I finished. "You live with Hyunjin; you'll probably spend the rest of your life with him. And he does love you, even if you love him in a different way. Could that be enough?"

"I..." Felix chewed on his lip. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Hyunjin loves easily," I said. "So do you. To be honest, you guys are kind of perfect for each other." Water and fire.

"I guess," Felix said quietly, but when he looked over at me, his eyes were glittering. "Yeji—" he cut himself off, his hands moving aimlessly on his lap. "I don't think I'll ever be good enough to deserve him, Yeji."

My lips parted in surprise. "Felix, how could you think that? You deserve everything."

He looked away. "I'm in love with my best friend. I have a life other people dream about and somehow I still managed to mess it up."

I was moving before I realized it, my body shifting forward before he stopped speaking, cupping his face in my hands. "Lee Felix," I said quietly. "There is nothing wrong with you."

"Yeji---"

"There is nothing wrong with you," I continued. "You are one of the best people I have ever known and I thank the stars every day that I met you and get to be your friend, and I know for a fact that each and every one of the members do that exact same thing, if not more often. There is nothing good in this world that you do not deserve." I glared at him. "And I will keep telling you as such until you believe it."

Felix's hands curled around my wrists, still holding his face. "Thank you," he whispered, his chin quivering.

I let out a soft sigh and pressed my brow to his; and in that moment, I made a vow that I would protect this boy, this boy I was holding together like water with my bare hands, for as long as I had to, as much as I had to, until I was gone from this world. Any harm that comes your way will have to get through me first, I vowed silently, feeling Felix's heart beat in the space between us. I will protect you, now and forever.

-

We stayed like that for a while, Felix and I, huddled together against the door. His words replayed in my mind, swirling around in the ocean that raged inside my head. 

If scientists one day discovered a way to peel back our skin and glimpse what truly lies beneath our flesh and blood, what would they find? I already knew what lay beneath mine: dirt. Some rotten, moth-eaten half-excuse for a soul, crammed inside of a body that it never quite fit in, crying crimson tears like an open wound. 

I thought I was alone in that: the only person whose inside didn't reflect their outside. Everyone else's smooth skin and pretty lips would reveal smooth and pretty souls, but not me. I thought it was something that I was born as, something that had developed as a result of my mother's quiet, suffocating expectations, the knowledge she'd set in me early on that I would never be enough, knowledge that had me running until my feet scraped like stones against the ground and my lungs forgot what it was like to breathe easy.

Better off dead.

I was broken on the inside, I knew. Damaged in an irreparable way. It was why my fingers tapped against my sides when I was feeling too much, like splintered clockwork; it was why I found it so easy to put everyone else before myself, but so hard to put myself first. It was why I had been afraid to cry, to laugh too loudly, to show too much emotion, for so long; it was why I could never take my own advice. 

I was a shriveled mess of a soul. I'd accepted that a long time ago. Learned to love myself anyway.

But, Felix. Felix also felt that way. This boy who was good, good like no one else I'd ever met, felt dirty, impure, undeserving of love, just like me.

The fact that he was capable of feeling like that too made me wonder why I'd ever felt so alone.

-

By the time evening rolled around, the members were all gathered in the dorm. We ordered takeout and ate around the table; Chan used his chopsticks backwards for ten minutes before anyone noticed, and somehow Jeongin accidentally flung a noodle into Minho's face, much to his aghastness.

After we all finished, though, everyone stayed at the table rather than moving over to the living room like we usually did. I helped Changbin clear the boxes and plates from the table so we could all gather around it.

Chan was the first to speak. "Okay. Before we begin, does anyone have beef to get out of their systems?"

"Yes. I'm not pregnant," said Jisung.

Chan nodded. "Noted."

"I didn't really think you'd been eating a lot," Hyunjin offered. "Sorry, hyung."

"It's okay, Jinnie." Jisung patted his head. "I am in a fabulous mood today. Chan-hyung, care to tell everyone why? No? Okay, I'll do it." He slammed his hands on the coffee table, grinning maniacally. "I think I will become the fifth member of Blackpink."

"I think there is a greater chance that Changbin-hyung will become good at cooking," Seungmin said flatly.

"Or that you'll become friends with Tiger JK and hug him," said Changbin.

"Or that Chan-hyung will curse in a song," said Jeongin.

"Or that I will find my AirPods," Hyunjin added regretfully.

"Or that STAY will win 'worst fandom' award. And also 'best fandom' award. In the same week," Minho deadpanned.

"I will take none of your negative energy," Jisung announced, "Because someone sitting at this very table supports my endeavors." He pointed dramatically at Chan. "Isn't that right, Channie-hyung?"

Everyone gaped at Chan.

He rubbed his temples. "Look, I don't think Jisung should join Blackpink. It's only that ... I mean—I just think his vocals would pair well with Jisoo-noona's."

"Yes, but why would you tell him that," said Changbin, gesturing to Jisung, whose expression had not changed from its maniacal grin in the past five minutes. "You know his ego is terrible."

"To be fair, it wasn't really his fault," Felix explained, stepping in for Chan. "And either way, Jisung, you won't join Blackpink, right? That would mean leaving us."

Jisung paused. "Maybe."

Minho laughed, putting his arm over Jisung's shoulders. "He won't. No one in Blackpink knows how to wake him up in the mornings or his favorite order from the cheesecake place by the mall."

Jisung looked up at Minho, and I could see he was fighting a smile. "I guess I'll have to stay, then, if only for the cheesecake." Something about his voice made me blink, but by the time I opened my eyes, it was gone.

"If there's nothing else, then, let's move on to the schedule for the week," Chan said. "I didn't get to text it to you guys this morning because of some ... unfortunate circumstances—" he cast a dry look at Felix and Jisung—"but in short, we're going to be pretty busy. JYP moved up the deadline to a month from this Friday, so in the next few weeks we'll have a bunch of new promotions. This week, we have media shoots scheduled tomorrow at noon, Tuesday all day, and Friday in the morning. The demo is confirmed for this Thursday. And our goal is to learn the choreography to our newest track by the end of next week, so we'll probably have to put in extra hours in the evenings at the studio. Everyone good so far?"

"Felix and I were going to grab lunch with Yeonjun and Wooyoung again on Tuesday," said Changbin. "I'll see if we can move it."

Minho frowned. "You sure that's a good idea? I know we'll all remember the last time you four were put in a room together for the rest of our lives."

Felix frowned. "Look, it wasn't our fault they didn't put a warning sign on the porcupine enclosure—"

"Not that we'd be going back to that zoo again," Changbin added under his breath.

"Yeah, they didn't even sell stuffed animals in the gift shop," Felix agreed.

Chan nodded. "Okay, so see if you guys can reschedule. There's also the question of vlives. We haven't done one for STAY in a while, but I don't want to get in Yeji's way."

"Don't think of me," I said quickly. "I can just stay in my room, it's no problem. You guys should definitely do a vlive."

"We can film it at the studio, too, if we need to," Hyunjin added, and the others all agreed; I could see from their faces that they were eager to see STAY again. I smiled. I had no intention of getting in the way of that.

"JYP also asked that we show him guides to all the tracks either this week or the next," Chan added. "We're done with around half of them, but I think it would be better if we presented them early. He's been seeming kind of impatient lately ... I think impressing him would be good."

"JYP is being an ass," Jisung muttered.

"Jisung, don't," Chan said. "That's another thing I need to talk to you all about. JYP-E is our company, okay? They deserve our respect."

"The only thing I respect right now is YoungK and spicy ramyun," Seungmin muttered, earning him a sharp look from Chan.

"I know things have been tight since the release date got moved up, but we shouldn't assign blame." Chan fixed each member with a hard look, making me glad I didn't have to face the brunt of that stare. "This week is going to take a lot out of all of us. We're going to have to work together—with ourselves and with our managers."

"That's what I wanted to talk about, hyung," Minho said, speaking for the first time. He met Chan's gaze, and the leader looked away, as if he'd known this was coming. "I know we're going to have to put in more effort now for the album, but there is a line. You've crossed it before and I haven't said anything, but I'm not going to just watch as you do it again." He spread his hands out on the table. "The last time we had to race to finish a track, you and 3Racha didn't visit our dorm for weeks. Jeongin didn't know you'd cut your hair until five days after because he'd barely seen you. And you were so overworked that by the time you'd finally finished, you almost slipped into a coma. You can't do stuff like that again, hyung, and right now I'm not sure if I can trust that you won't."

A muscle in Chan's jaw flicked. "I wasn't in a coma."

Minho's gaze was relentless. "You didn't wake up for two days."

Chan swallowed, and I realized as I looked around the table that Minho wasn't alone in his concerns. The other members weren't meeting Chan's eyes; Jeongin was fiddling with the edge of his chair, Seungmin staring at a chip in the wood so intently I didn't think he'd blinked in the past minute. They all agreed with what Minho was saying—they just didn't want to say it to Chan's face.

"I miss my family," Minho said, his burning gaze finally subsided. "Chan-hyung, Changbin, Jisung." His voice quieted. "I never see you guys anymore."

If the room had been quiet before, now it was as still as stone, and I wondered how often Minho showed this kind of vulnerability. Seungmin reached out and touched his shoulder.

"Me too. Minho-hyung's right—ever since we switched dorms and JYP moved up the deadline for our next release, the three of you have been like ghosts. The only reason you've been more present this week is for Yeji-noona."

"The dinner we had with her was the first time I've seen you guys for more than an hour in months," Jeongin added, still picking at his chair. An unwelcome burning sensation filled the back of my throat—I hadn't realized the easy lifestyle I'd had with Stray Kids wasn't usual. And I didn't even see Chan that much any given day ... what must it be like for the members who lived at the other dorm, if they normally had even less time with their leader?

Chan let out an unsteady breath. "I know," he said, his words strained. "And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let you guys down."

"Not just them," Changbin added softly. "You need to be taking care of yourself too, hyung. Seungmin's right—we've been like ghosts, but you the most. When was the last time you slept more than you worked during the night?"

Chan was quiet.

"We only took your phone because you hadn't looked up from it in an hour," Felix admitted.

"We know you're working hard for us," said Hyunjin. "We love you for it. Just ... don't let it consume you."

"And you don't have to do it alone," Jisung added gently. "We're a team. We do this together, like we always have."

"I know," Chan said finally, his voice breaking. "And I can't tell you how grateful I am to have you guys here, supporting me and 3Racha. It means the world." He cleared his throat before continuing. "I know I don't ... take breaks easily. I don't let others help enough. But I'll try. I swear I'll try."

"Whatever we can do," Felix promised. "You shouldn't be the only one under pressure. The weight is ours to bear just as much as it is yours." He cast me a soft smile. "Ohana means family, remember? Family means no one gets left behind."

I returned his smile, though my chest felt tight. I felt terrible for Chan—I knew what it was like to put so much pressure on yourself to try to prove that you were strong enough to bear it—but I also empathized with the other members. Stray Kids were family; that much was clear. They shouldn't ever be separated.

"From now on, okay?" Minho asked, looking up at Chan again. "Don't forget us. Don't forget yourself."

"From now on," Chan promised, meeting his eyes steadily even as his voice tightened with unshed tears. "I'll make time. You all matter to me more than any deadline JYP can set."

I knew from the way Chan looked at the maknaes that he was forcing himself not to leap across the table and hug them until they forgave him, even though there was nothing really to forgive. But whatever Talk Time was, it was the most serious I'd ever seen the members, and whatever earnest cordiality they'd agreed upon holding wasn't going to be broken anytime soon. Still, I doubted Chan would've continued with his structured, orderly narration of the week's events even if there had been more to discuss; he just asked if anyone else had other things to say, and then we all piled into the living room.

No one felt like playing a game.

I stood by the wall, opting out of the piled mess the members had clumped themselves into again. Something about this wasn't for me to intrude on. I got the feeling that it was very, very rare for the members to speak up to Chan about his behavior.

Minho joined me at some point, leaning against the wall, watching as Jeongin fell asleep on Chan's shoulder. "They came to you, didn't they?" I asked when I was sure the others were creating enough of a clamor that no one else could hear me. "Jeongin and Seungmin and Felix. They asked you to speak to Chan."

Minho's gaze flitted to mine, a hint of surprise in it. "No. Not formally, anyway. Yesterday was the tipping point of a very, very full glass that's been teetering on the edge for a while now." He shrugged. "I just gave it a push."

I nodded. Chan tucked his arm over Seungmin's shoulder, a tiny smile highlighting the corners of his mouth, filled with such a confluence of emotions I couldn't tell where the sadness ended and the pain began and the affection shifted into the pride.

"But I think that if I hadn't said anything, they would've, eventually," Minho added after a moment. "The maknaes ... they're the sweetest of our group, but they're also strong, every one of them. They might look to me for guidance, but they wouldn't need me to speak up." The side of his mouth quirks up at the corner. "I am ... very lucky to have them as my dormmates. Even if I wish I could see the others just as often."

"Even when Jeongin accidentally hits you in the face with a wet noodle?"

He let out a surprised laugh, gaze catching mine. "Yeah. Even then."