❝oh no, i'm sorry if i smothered you❞

niall pov:

"why did he leave?" the nurse asked,

i learned her name was elena torna.

"why? it's a mystery for me, but an answer to him. what i think? to put it short i smothered him."

elena looked confused, "did he not want the love you smothered him in?"

i sighed, "i suppose."

she sat there looking at me, and i rolled my eyes.

"can you seriously stop staring? it's annoying."

elena smiled, "he used to look at you didn't he?"

"what?" this lady is crazy sometimes i swear.

"he used to do all the things i do. sing, sketch, stare. you miss it, yet you're fighting yourself to stop it."

i looked at her, "is that all?"

she smiled, "you're torturing yourself aren't you? thinking you deserve to be miserable and letting your mind do all the talking."

i shook my head, "no. how can i control what my mind wants anyways? not like I could 'follow' my heart. bullshit people feed you these days."

"you followed your heart when you let him into your life and when you loved him. following your heart doesn't have to be physically. mentally knowing what you want is listening to your heart, then understanding what you need is following it."

elena then stood up, pulled on her coat and left with a wave.

why is she so deep?

+++

[ february 13th // 12:03PM ]

"want to help me ni?"

zayn had been lounging around all day, hair flat, glasses on and bare skin.

"whatcha doing?" niall asked, climbing over zayn's bent knees and settling on the older lads torso.

"oh, is this a penguin?" niall asked and zayn laughed.

he pushed niall off his stomach and sat against the headboard.

"no you silly goose! it's you... in a penguin suit."

zayn loved to be creative and when his imagination was awake zayn didn't ever want to move anything but his hands.

"well what do you need help on?" niall asked, head leaned against zayn's bare inked shoulder.

"i needed to look at you. i have a feeling i did your lips wrong."

niall looked up at zayn doing silly faces, trying to confuse zayn on his actual features.

zayn grinned and brought his phone up to take pictures.

"please just don't pull any face. if you don't i'll cook you a meal."

niall stopped and thought for a while, "deal."

zayn laughed again and kissed niall.

[ march 16 // 6:20AM ]

"zayn please stay." niall mumbled, looking at the figure nearing their bedroom door.

"i can't baby. maybe i'll see you this evening ok?"

niall nodded and went back to bed, wrapping his body around the pillow zayn slept on.

"why didn't you come back?" niall cried as he saw zayn the next day at 8PM.

zayn didn't want to speak, afraid he'll start to tear up.

he shook his head and niall sobbed louder.

zayn felt tears streaming down his face as well.

then when niall mumbled a small "you don't love me."

zayn left.

zayn stood outside for a while.

wiping his eyes and sniffing.

he shook his head biting his lips, grabbing out a lighter and a cigarette that was tucked on his ear.

"zayn come back."

zayn turned around to see niall wrapped into one of his sweaters.

the bottom of it reaching mid thigh.

"baby i need time out ok? go inside and i'll be up, yeah?"

niall nodded, turning around only to hear a wolf whistle somewhere around the corner as a vehicle came past them.

niall could hear zayn growl lowly and he smiled when he felt a warm body close behind him.

"let's go inside, now." zayn mumbled lowly, his lips touching the shell of the blondes ear.

shivers of pleasure ran up his spine, the gruff in zayn's throat being felt in his own.

"zee are you going to stay this time?"

zayn shrugged, "i don't know."

the next morning niall woke up and zayn wasn't in bed.

he was in the kitchen.

niall let out a sigh of relief, seeing the raven haired boy eating a bowl of cereal while watching tv on the couch.

zayn heard the sigh and turned around to be met with niall's small body wrapped into their big king sized comforter.

"morning." zayn mumbled and niall smiled.

"good morning." niall then walked towards zayn, settling on his lap.

"staying?" niall asked and zayn nodded, "only until 2PM i've got something to do."

"what is it?" niall asked, curious.

"nothing you should worry about." zayn stated.

niall nodded, hesitating on asking another question.

when 2PM came around niall latched onto zayn like a koala.

"can't you stay any longer?" niall asked, his voice coming out small.

"no, niall. now let go of me." zayn had to forcefully pull niall off of him and kissed his lips, telling him he'll be back.

niall sat on the couch for a week.

there was always extra food left and zayn didn't come until a week later.

niall cried tears of joy, latching onto zayn again,

and zayn let him, knowing that's the only way he'll be forgiven.

"i missed you." niall mumbled and zayn nodded burying his face into his loves hair that smelt wonderful.

"i'm sorry." zayn mumbled.

niall said a small "it's ok."

only then did niall regret not saying more because

zayn left him again that very next morning.

+++

"niall? hello? are you going to open the door?"

niall heard elena call out and he immediately wiped away the tears.

he scrambled to the door and opened it, hugging her when she stepped in.

"he left me because i smothered him. i did this to him, it's all my fault."

elena pat his back, "it's ok niall, c'mon, don't get sad when i'm here. i need you sassy and resisting my help. don't be sad."

niall laughed, and pushed her back, "ok then."

and he slammed the door in her face.

he leaned his ear against the door and heard her say, "that's the niall i know! don't make me get liam again. you know what happened all those other times."

niall giggled a little, and opened the door.

"tell me, would you rather have me here or liam here?" elena asked, i thought for a while.

"i want zayn."

"but you smothered him, and now he's gone. you made him leave you, un love you, and hate you. he probably forgot about you by now, this was all you niall.. wasn't it? you are a disappointment to him, you love him." elena started and i nodded, a few tears appearing in my eyes and creating a path.

elena then dropped her facade of seriousness and smiled, "see! look at you, getting stronger already."

i smiled, "yet i still want to punish myself for doing it."

elena stopped smiling, "niall no, not again."

i smiled, "he treated me right, and what i did was annoy him and made him feel trapped, i'm at fault."

elena looked at me, "you don't have to do that, you don't need to because you shouldn't feel this way, zayn should."

"but i'd take all the pain for him, a beautiful human shouldn't suffer. the ugly ones do." i mumbled, looking down at my entangled fingers.

"oh shut up! if i wasn't lesbian i'd be opening my legs for you all day." elena looked infuriated.

"please keep listening elena, it's the only way i can sort this out. this helps. you're actually helping me by listening. please listen."

elena nodded her head, "he always listened didn't he? then he saw how needy you got and stopped listening. now you need someone to hear you and understand you."

i slowly nodded, understanding her words of 'wisdom'.

"i'm the natural disaster that wrecked paradise."

i said, and looked up at her, "i'm the one who mixed in hot and cold and become something destructive."

elena kept looking at me and i continued.

"i didn't understand until i stayed up at 2AM, watching as memories flooded in, and i found myself shouting to the moon why."

||

i didn't stop typing until my hand and fingers started to hurt,

enjoy?

elena is in the media (she's the one that makes all these amazing songs and smother happens to be one of them)

vote. comment.

-softlou x