A S H T O N 

~I've never been so scared in my life, but with you there, I don't have to worry about anything because you're there and I know you'll take care of me... but please don't leave me when I need you so bad.~

I found myself nervously sitting on the hospital bed, my heart racing in my chest. Blake had me put on the hospital gown and it made me feel really nervous. I couldn't help it—I remembered that same gown on my aunt. I shook my head and sighed deeply. My eyes shot up to the clock on the wall and I flinched a bit.

It felt like it'd been so long and it really hadn't. I hadn't been here forty five minutes yet and I was freaking out already. A knock on the door of the hospital room caused me to jump and I twitched a bit, looking over at it. The door opened and a tall but thin man walked into the room. He looked welcoming, and kind, but it didn't ease my anxiety at all.

"Hello, what are you two here for?" he asked, and I gulped a bit and he looked over to Blake whom cleared his throat and looked at me pointedly.

I sucked in a deep breath and nodded, biting my lip. "When I was younger, I was pushed out of a treehouse... it caused me to have severe headaches, and no one could tell me why. I still don't know why... but Blake thought that I should get it checked out." I said softly, and he nodded.

"What are some of the symptoms you've had?" he asked, stepping forward and putting the stethoscope in his ears and then the pressing the circular thing to my chest to listen to my breathing. I shrugged a bit.

"Really severe headaches, vomiting, sometimes I get dizzy." I said, and he nodded.

"Okay, have you ever had a CT scan? Or an ultrasound of your head? Have you had an MRI?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"I haven't been to the doctor over it in years. The doctor said I was nothing and that it'd go away." I said, and he raised an eyebrow.

"He never requested to see you again? How long ago was this? And have the headaches been getting gradually more severe over the years?" he asked. I nodded, and he sucked in a breath.

"They have, I just didn't pay them any mind. I laid in bed with the lights out and nothing on in the television." I said, and he nodded a bit.

"Doctor, what do you think it is?" Blake cut in. He looked over at Blake and sighed a bit.

"I don't want to mislead you, or give you incorrect information. I cannot diagnose him with anything without the proper testing. If this is what I think it is, though, it's extremely urgent that we get this diagnosed." He said, and I looked over at Blake whom looked back a me, a bit nervously.

"What do you think it is?" Blake asked, and he bit his lip.

"" He said, and I looked at him confused. "Once we get you tested and determine if this is what I believe it is, then we can discuss what it is—and how we treat it, alright? Until then, please do not research it, or work yourself up about it... having either of you be panicked isn't going to help the situation." He said, and Blake nodded, looking nervously over at me.

I bit my lip and looked up to the clock. "We'll get you seen about as quickly as possible. As soon as I get the results I'll come back. I'm going to order all of your scans immediately... please be patient." Blake nodded and I shrank back into the bed, pulling my legs up at wrapping my arms around them, sighing deeply. I felt so scared, unsure.

The doctor walked out of the room and Blake immediately stood and came over to sit beside me. I sighed softly and looked up at him, my heart racing. He wrapped his arm around me and I cuddled up into his chest, getting comfortable. He kissed the top of my head and pulled me close.

"It's going to be okay, trouble. You're my little trouble maker, aren't you?" He asked and I nodded my head, forcing a smile. He smiled a bit, and I was certain that it was a forced as mine. I sighed, and looked around, feeling scared.

I didn't know what this stuff was called—what's it called again? Hydrophallus? A water penis? I have no idea what that would have to do with the headaches, really.

Blake held me close, and I calmed myself with slow, steady breaths of his cologne and natural scent. Something about the scent of him made me feel... steady? Safe? Home? What could I really say about it that didn't make me look crazy? About nothing.

Time seemed to crawl by at a snails pace, never speeding up, only ticking by. I didn't know why it seemed so slow, so... tiring. I couldn't stop taking in large gulps of Blake's cologne, taking comfort in the scent. It cascaded around me, wrapping me in a warm sense of familiarity. I felt so safe in his arms, like nothing could touch me.

"I'm scared." I whispered softly, closing my eyes and wrapping my leg around him to push myself closer to him. He sighed softly and looked over at me with a dark look on his face.

"I know trouble. But everything will be okay." Though his words were meant to calm me, it did nothing to ease my turmoil. I knew they were just pretty little words wrapped in sweet lies—nothing to be trusted. Blake would never give me anything to worry about, especially not myself. I knew that.

However, I also desperately needed his words. I needed his compassion, his love, his everything.

"I'm scared." I repeated and he sighed deeply and nodded, pressing a soft kiss to my forehead. "I never wanted to know why my head hurt." I admitted softly. "I always wondered if it was more... but... I never thought it would be."

"I never thought it would turn out to be something so... bad." He murmured softly. "It'll be okay though, hopefully they caught it in time if it is what they said it is." He said, and I nodded my head.

"Do you know what it is?" I asked him and he bit his lip and nodded. "What is it?"

"It's nothing you need to worry your pretty little head about. All you need to worry about is getting through these scans. They can be pretty daunting." He said and I raised an eyebrow nervously.

"Daddy... I'm really scared." I said, and he nodded again.

He didn't speak again for a minute, and I closed my eyes trying to force myself to sleep. I slowed my breathing down a bit and relaxed.

It was a few minutes—maybe half an hour before Blake broke the silence. "I'm scared too, trouble." The words were whispered, and I gathered that I wasn't supposed to hear them because he probably thought I was asleep.

I wasn't sure why, but his words, and the softness of his touch was enough to calm me down completely. His calloused and warm hands were slowly moving over me, soothing the ache of my head. I wasn't too worried anymore. I felt scared—but Blake made the fear... dissipate, almost.

I didn't respond to him, knowing that he'd not meant for me to hear it. I felt like it'd push some unacknowledged boundary if I did—it was okay for him to care, but I knew that Blake had a different way of expressing his care.

I knew that Blake held himself in check always. He didn't let people see if something bothered him... unless he was certain that they'd understand. I knew that and I loved it. He had this air of finality when he said something—and it made me feel safe. I loved it. He took me from my confusing and never resting mind and put me in this headspace to where I didn't have to worry about anything but what I was doing for him. I liked not having to worry about being a disappointment. I loved the fact that he always made me feel... welcome. He never made me feel like I was a burden.

It was amazing how he treated me... like he genuinely cared. I felt so at home with him. I'd never felt that way with my parents. I always felt like I wasn't good enough to be in their home, like I didn't belong. But I belonged with Blake. Nothing anyone could say could convince me otherwise.

I loved it—I loved him.

A knock on the door brought me out of my thoughts and I shrank back up into Blake, scared. A small, pretty brunette woman walked into the room and looked at me with a kind smile. "Ashton Carter?" she asked, and I nodded, looking up at Blake. "Hi, I'm Lindsey with Radiology. I'm here to take you to get your CT Scan."

"He's a bit scared, can I stay with him?" He asked, and she nodded.

"That'll be okay, but when we give him the CT Scan, you can't be in the room. He'll have the Ultrasound done here—so that'll be no problem." She said and he nodded, sighing a bit. "Are you ready to go? CT Scan is first, we'll probably draw some blood also, but that'll be a bit later." She said, and I nodded biting my lip as I stood up. She smiled encouragingly. "You can walk with us, if you'd like." She said and Blake nodded, walking up behind me. I wrapped my arm around his arm and refused to let go as he walked with us to the room where the CT Scan was going to happen.

She took me into the room and Blake went with me, getting me settled onto the table and she patted my hand. "It's a bit scary at first but... it's no big deal it'll pass quickly." She said and I nodded and forcefully smiled, not feeling the smile much. She seemed to understand and nodded. "It's a circular machine, it'll go over your head and will circle it."

"It'll be okay." Blake said softly and kissed my head softly. I whimpered and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him. "Baby, you got to let go of me. This is necessary. Come on, I'll get you an ice cream when we go home." He said softly and I nodded but didn't let go. "Ashton, come on." He said, and I shook my head.

"Please daddy..." I whispered. He shook his head and I whimpered. "I'm scared." I admitted softly.

"I know. But be a big boy and do it anyway, it'll make me so proud." His words made my heart race—proud? Blake will be proud of me? I instantly let go of him and he smiled down at me and patted me softly. "It'll be okay, I'm just over on the other side of the glass window."

I nodded and bit my lip, looking up at him. He smiled at me and followed the lady over to the door. I felt fear racing through my heart but I forced myself to put it to the back of my mind. Blake... Blake'll be proud if I go through with this. I thought about how it'll be when he is proud of me and that got me through the experience without worry. I almost panicked, but I managed to breathe through it and calm myself down. Once she came back to get me and Blake walked in behind her, a smile on his face, I felt better. I was a good boy for him.

By the time I was done with the scans and tests, I was tired. It felt so good to just lay down in Blakes arms and let his warmth surround me. I had been so cold through the MRI and the Ultrasound made my head feel weird, because the jelly matted my hair up.

It was uncomfortable but I had made my Blake happy, so I didn't focus on that. I focused on the fact that I'd made him proud—I'd made my daddy proud. I felt like I was going to explode in pride.

The fact that I just referred to him as daddy in my mind hit me deeply and I couldn't understand why. I have always called him daddy, but regarded him as Blake in my mind. The fact that I regarded him as daddy mentally made me blush a bit.

A knock on the door caught my attention and I shook my head, whimpering and pulling close to Blake. The doctor walked back in and looked quite troubled. He pulled up a seat and looked over at us. "So, I have confirmed that my suspicion is correct. Hydrocephalus."

"What can we do to help it?" Blake immediately asked, sitting up. I sat up and looked up at Blake sacredly. He wrapped his arms around me I smiled a bit timidly and wrapped myself around him, hugging him.

"I am going to prescribe some higher pain pills, he will need to only take them when he has a headache, I assume you can monitor that, dad?" He asked, and Blake shook his head.

"Boyfriend." He said, and the man raised an eyebrow. He didn't comment, though.

"Well, monitor them so that he doesn't overtake them. We'll schedule him for surgery and then we'll go from there." He said, and Blake blinked.

"What if he doesn't want surgery?" Blake asked.

"Hydrocephalus can cause death—it's serious. Hydrocephalus is the build-up of too much cerebrospinal fluid in the brain. It can be present at birth, or happen later. Typically it's from trauma to the head—as you know he had as a child..." He said and Blake sucked in a deep breath. "From what I can tell, he had it as a child and it deteriorated—but it's always been there. Now that he's older it's gotten worse, there's not really a choice. He either gets the surgery, or he could pass away in a few years. Have you hit your head lately?" he asked.

"Well... a couple months ago my father found out I was gay and... well, I met the edge of a chair... and his boot a couple times. But I don't think that could've caused this, right?" I asked sacredly.

"Ashton, it's very likely that the trauma from hitting your head brought this back into full blast. You have a choice... surgery, or death. The question isn't if it's necessary, it's 'when will you die if you don't have the surgery.'" He said, and I bit my lip.

"Blake—!" I whimpered. "Please..." I tugged him to me.

"It's a big decision for a young boy like you..." He said, and I nodded. "I can make you an appointment with a surgeon and you can talk with them about it. I suggest it, highly." He said, and I nodded.

"I'll be back with your appointment and your check out papers." He said, and I nodded. As soon as he left I wrapped myself around Blake and started crying. Blake wrapped his arms around me, and whispered sweet nothings into my ear, softly kissing me on the forehead.