a/n: I wanna thank everyone who sent me nice comments the last few days <3

I'm taking a week off so no update on Monday - p.s. it's my birthday tomorrow:)

MJ and Kai woke up in the Prison World, Bonnie still drinking away at the table.

They were both aware of the blood dripping down their faces as the spell continued in the real world, but blood wasn't about to stop MJ. Bonnie was planning to kill herself. It was literally life or death, so she couldn't risk stopping.

Kai started to look around, "Where's this stupid map, then?"

"No," MJ fixated, "I'm bringing her back."

"MJ – "

"I swear to god – "

The windows of the house opened.

"If you try to tell me what I can and can't do one more time, I will let you die."

He took three confident steps towards her, "You won't."

MJ let herself get caught in the stare off.

She was done losing to him.

Except, staring meant she started to notice a weird thing happening to Kai's face.

The skin around his eyes was moving like a vampires, black veins appearing up and down it, darkening the flickering red socket. Unintentionally, her hand came up to touch it, causing him to freeze and process the softness of her fingers.

"Um – "

They both flinched as sparks shot out from MJ's thumb. It zapped his cheek and left her to shake the pain away, her own wrist catching her attention as Kai's features returned to normal.

Lilac lines.

A side effect of unintentionally sharing her overload of magic with him?

"Shit," She went back to looking at Bonnie, "That's not good."

"What's not good?" Kai was still focused on the hand that had made contact with him, staring at how it rested by her side.

"Bon-Bon!"

Bonnie shot up, looking around, "MJ?"

"Bonnie!" MJ rushed forward.

Her friend stood up, confused and swaying tipsily, "I know Damon said this stuff was strong."

"I'm right here," MJ placed her hands firmly on Bonnie's shoulders, except Bonnie still couldn't see her, "I'm getting you home."

Bonnie's feet shuffled away.

"...Bonnie?"

"Why am I hearing voices?" Her eyes showed fear, "I don't hear voices when I'm drunk."

"You're not hearing voices, Bonnie. I'm here. I've done a spell – I just," MJ started to snap her fingers, "I need more power."

She turned back to Kai.

"Hand?"

"No."

"Kai!"

"If she can hear you, just tell her."

Bonnie groaned, "Leave me alone, Kai!"

Both siphoners went still to watch the tears forming.

"Please," She sunk down to her knees, "Just leave me alone."

MJ felt a fire start to burn inside her.

She snatched Kai's hand before he could even respond and restarted the chant.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

She could feel the floor become firmer beneath her feet, a burning sensation between their linked fingers, and a shocked Bonnie staring at her.

"MJ..."

"Bon – "

She was cut off when Kai started to scream, the connection breaking.

They were both blasted apart, magic separating them, dumping them back in the real world.

Kai was hunched over, a burning iron through his stomach, Liv standing over him, driving it deeper, smeared make-up all over her face and a dead look in her eyes.

Jeremy was screaming while clutching at his head.

"Liv!" MJ rushed up.

That broke the witches concentration enough to free Jeremy.

"What the hell!"

"He killed Luke," She sounded like she'd been crying for days.

The sight of her locked on to all the guilty feelings MJ already had about the merge, bringing them right back to the surface.

She'd spent Christmas in bliss while Liv had been without her twin.

Liv went to stab Kai again, only for Jeremy to tackle her, both her hands shoving apart to toss Kai and Jeremy through the air, in opposite directions. MJ was only saved from the attack because she'd been prepared for it, mind steady and fighting back. At the end of the day, she was clearly stronger than Liv; the only problem was that MJ didn't want to hurt her.

"If you're going to try and stop me," Liv turned on her, "You're gonna die with him."

Death.

MJ couldn't die – not when she'd been so close to saving Bonnie.

She had a choice to make.

MJ spun away from them, planting her feet in the magic circle and looking at the ascendant in the centre of it, beginning the spell on her own.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

"MJ!" Jeremy tried to protest, only for Liv to restart her attack on Kai.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

She could hear fire, and thrown objects, and a mix of Liv and Kai crying out in pain as they both put up a fight. MJ needed to pull on Kai's power to keep the ascendant stable, which meant she technically needed Kai to win, or she needed to trust Jeremy to get Kai away from Liv so that neither of them was in danger. As long as she had his ring she could channel him.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

She didn't want Liv to die either, and there was a chance Kai would kill her if she didn't stop. MJ didn't want Jo to lose another sibling, and she didn't want Tyler to lose his girlfriend, but it wasn't her fight at the end of the day.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

She needed to save Bonnie.

She needed it more than she needed to breathe.

If she couldn't save Bonnie, then what was the point? Spend the rest of her life knowing her friend had died for her to be a depressed mess?

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

When MJ reformed in the prison world, her eyes were glowing orange, the purple covering her arms, instantly setting the curtains on fire as power started to overwhelm everything. It was leaking out of her and into the fragile walls of the fake reality.

"Bonnie!" She yelled, racing through the house.

Her friend had moved in the few seconds MJ had been gone.

"Bonnie Bennett!"

She skidded into the kitchen, leaving a trail of destruction in her wake, fire and flowers poking through the wood till it was nothing but splintering debris, skin looking somewhat blue as the ultimate warning that MJ was pushing her luck.

Forcing herself through realms of reality without anything to keep her grounded wasn't going to end well, but she didn't care.

"MJ."

She found Bonnie standing in the doorway to the garage, tears in her eyes and voice week.

"Bonnie!" MJ charged into her arms, "I'm bringing you home."

"This is real?"

She nodded, "This is real."

"MJ..." Bonnie noticed the fire as the smoke started to fill the corridors.

She then noticed the blinding light battling to overtake her friend's eyes.

"Oh my – what the hell?"

MJ blinked firmly, stabilising the glow-stick-gold, "It's fine."

Bonnie didn't look like she believed her.

"Just take my hand."

"Tell me what's going on."

"I'm getting you home."

"And how are you doing that?" Bonnie backed up slightly, "What's going on?"

"I wrote a spell, just – " She started to breathe smoke, "Take my hand."

Rather than focusing on the lightness of her head, MJ pushed her doubts to the back of her mind.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

She was holding Bonnie's hand.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

The fire was pricking at her heels, but she just put her spare hand to the side to flatten it back, pulling on the ring she had to channel Kai for the extra boost.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

Something wasn't right again.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

While MJ felt the flickering, her own body shifting in and out of the prison world, Bonnie's hand almost vanished.

"No, no, no," MJ had gotten that far; she wasn't leaving Bonnie behind, "Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

"MJ!" Bonnie was yelling as blood began to appear in her friend's mouth alongside the smokey out breathes.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay - " She was spluttering red through her teeth, "Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen. Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

She needed to get Bonnie home.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

MJ was still holding her hand, and she could see Kai near her, blood on his chest, but no Liv in sight.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

Jeremy was rushing forward too, "Bonnie!"

"Jeremy!" Bonnie's face lit up.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

The blood turned blue.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

It was heavier than blood.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

MJ tried to take a forward, out of the magic circle, vision blurring.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

Bonnie should've been pulled through with her.

Every light in the room went out, leaving MJ without her friend. Kai and Jeremy's eye going wide eyes as the blue goop headed back down her throat, making it nearly impossible to breathe.

MJ practically scooped it out of her mouth, starting to cry, "No, no, no."

Her knees hit the ground as she gripped the ascendant as tightly as she could.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

She closed her eyes, drawing even more magic from the ascendant itself, siphoning as she cast.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

She'd gotten a grip, Bonnie had been just behind her, but she'd failed. Once again, MJ had failed her friend. She'd saved Kol – but she'd only done that by being willing to die.

It felt like the universe was screaming for her to take the hint.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

She'd only managed to get them halfway back from The Other Side, and Bonnie was always the one who suffered, and MJ couldn't take it anymore.

She had even more power than ever, and she couldn't leave Bonnie behind, suicidal.

She knew that pain better than anyone.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

In her hands, the ascendant started to split, like pincers were yanking it apart, every vein and artery in MJ's body glowing a mix of orange, purple, and gold, turning her into a human supernova as reality began to bend.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

Bonnie was in front of them again, face in shock.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

Except, she was just out of sync, still standing in her version of the Salvatore House, forced to watch as MJ's skin blistered to try and get her home.

"Asidero Lìzú Diǎn Vini Jwenn Mwen."

Jeremy stepped forward, terrified of what might happen if he crossed into the salt circle.

"Pòtay Finna Heima Setjast Að Jwenn Lakay Ou."

"Bonnie," He prompted, "Please."

She took a careful step forward.

She vanished.

"No!" MJ slammed the ascendant down, "Give her back."

Her fist crashed into it, sending an electric burst of blue energy through the air.

That made her freeze slightly, staring at the point of the contact, then the room.

"...That's new..."

The lightning-like lines were jumping up the walls before turning to nothing.

She twisted her left wrist while moving it up, tensing every inch of her body, strengthening the brightness under her skin as she repeated the action, smashing her hand into the ascendant.

Bonnie's form flickered in front of them.

MJ kept punching, watching the ascendent flinch around in response to the rings of power she was pulsing out.

"Novia Scotia!" Jeremy yelled at her, "Qetsiyah!"

Bonnie's features turned big, "Silas's tombstone!"

MJ hit again, "Step through!"

All of the salt turned into raging blue fire, trying to engulf her

Bonnie stepped back, eyes locked with Jeremy as she nodded.

The moment she did, MJ felt a hand on the back of her neck, a shooting pain through her entire body, all the tequila coming right back up.

Everything went black.

November 2003

MJ was majorly freaking out. When Pri had reasoned that getting detention wasn't a big deal, MJ hadn't put up much of a fight, but once the detention was actually getting given, it was like her body was going into shock.

To make it worse, the teacher wasn't even giving it to her.

Their presentation had gone amazing, MJ enjoying public speaking more than she ever had before. Pri actually made her feel like she was good at it, not needing a script, just a few words to prompts them on cards and pictures on the screen, coaching her on how to tell if she was talking too loud, too quiet, or too quickly.

And the dance had been the most fun she'd had since her parents had died.

Her mum had taught her to dance, and she'd attended classes when she'd been younger, but she hadn't even thought about picking it back up in New York. She hadn't thought of picking up any of her old skills now she didn't have anyone to share them with. Not in real life anyway.

Then, the teacher had to ruin it.

MJ liked their World Studies Teacher; she liked all her teachers. She didn't necessarily have a reason why she liked them; she just thought she was supposed to like them because she was a good student.

She'd never had a reason not to like them.

But being held behind after class to watch a fully grown adult demean a literal child for making the lesson fun had her blood boiling.

"Why are you only talking to her!"

The second the words left her mouth, MJ wanted to take them back.

She couldn't deal with confrontation, and she certainly didn't know how to handle getting in trouble, but it wasn't fair that all of the scolding had been aimed at Pri.

"...Miss Ruiz," Their teacher looked appalled, "Do not take that tone with me."

"Sorry," She mumbled.

Then she saw Pri's shocked and slightly awed face at her, and she felt a trickle of her momentarily gain in confidence return.

"But it was my project too," She was staring at the floor while standing her ground, "You can't blame her."

"Miss Yadav is receiving a detention because she clearly manipulated you into this disgraceful display."

MJ frowned, "We were the best presentation in the class."

A fact.

They were the only two who'd seemed to enjoy doing it, managed to keep everyone in the class watching, and they did technically meet all of the marking criteria. They'd just done it in a non-conventional way by adding in dance and turning it into a mini-workshop for the classmates who were into audience participation.

MJ had made sure Pri didn't force anyone to try.

"I think I get to decide that."

"Then you also get to decide the trouble we're in, and," MJ took a shaky breath, "If Pri's in detention, then so am I."

The teacher shook her head, disappointed, "To think, I thought you were better than this."

MJ didn't know what that meant.

"Both of you, out of my sight."

They scurried out of the room, down the empty corridors (it was the end of the school day), and once they were out of earshot, Pri began to cackle.

"Oh," She pointed at MJ, "I like you."

MJ fully processed the fact she had detention, "Oh my god."

"That's – that was so epic of you."

"...Epic of me?" MJ shook her head, "I just got detention!"

"And I promise you'll love it."

"It's detention!"

"It's a show of loyalty," Pri slung an arm over her shoulder, "Like, seriously!"

She was beaming.

"No one's ever done that for me before."

MJ's entire body was on the verge of a panic attack until Pri said that.

"Most of the time, my friends just laugh at me for being dumb enough to try and enjoy school."

"I always enjoy school," She played with her fingers, "And now – now – I'm – "

"Hey," Pri stepped back, properly looking at her, "MiMi..."

MJ swallowed.

"I promise you," She took MJ's hands, "This is gonna be okay."

MJ didn't see how that could possibly be true; she'd never been in trouble before.

"I'll be right there with you, and Mr Stevors runs lunchtime detentions. He's like the nicest dude ever."

Her head was spinning.

"I'll go and talk to her right now," Pri decided, "Get you out of this."

"No!" MJ thought that would make it worse.

Plus, Pria was looking at her like she actually liked her.

"It's okay."

"If it makes you feel better," Pri tried, "All the best feminists get in trouble."

That actually made her laugh, anxiety slightly easing.

"Think about all those suffragettes."

MJ managed a nod, forcing her body to relax, "Yeah."

"We're fighting for freedom of expression!" She lifted her chin, "Lunchtime detention is our momentary limitation."

"And we will get through it."

"Together," Pri nodded, joking, "If you're still willing to talk to me once it's over."

"I'd love to still talk to you," MJ rushed out, face heating up, "Um, sorry, I, uh – "

Pri started to laugh, a friendly laugh, "Do you have to get home or do you have time to hang around?"

MJ was being asked to hang out with someone.

She'd never been asked to hang out with someone before, brain malfunctioning.

Even in New Orleans she'd been too quiet to make friends given all the voices she'd grown up hearing - and she hadn't really been bothered by it either. Her dad had been her best friend. Why bother with kids who probably thought she was weird when she had her dad?

"Actually," MJ needed to speak before the offer was taken back, "Maybe tomorrow, I have something to do today."

"Tomorrow it is," Pri agreed, "Milkshakes on 192."

MJ perked up, "Yes, please."

Once they were outside the school, they split up, Pri jogging to meet some of her friends in her own year, all teasing her for managing to get another detention from World Studies, while MJ carefully made her way across the road. She wasn't completely lying to Pri. She did have a few things to do that afternoon.

There were about four ghosts she'd made promises to. She'd probably be proxy stalking the internet for loved ones and looking for answers to questions about certain small and niche moments of history to help them find peace well into the following day.

But she also had a personal item on her agenda.

Two, maybe.

She needed to tell her brother that she'd made a friend. Things didn't feel real until she'd told Ryos about them.

Then, she needed to make an important introduction.

As she crossed the road, instead of walking ahead, she paused. The fellow witch-house student paused, waiting for her to continue.

She gave him a tiny smile.

He raised an eyebrow, letting his feet drift forward to meet her, so they were walking side-by-side for the first time in six months.

The guy's hair was slick and black, cut neat and short, but there was an odd pink clip on its left side, pinning back a specific bit a little further. His brown eyes were slightly red, and he walked with a level of relaxation she didn't think she'd ever match.

"I'm MiMi," She forced herself to speak with the same voice she'd started to let herself use around Pri, "You're Benjiro."

"I am," His smile turned into a wide grin, "Most people just call me Beni."

"It's nice to meet you...Beni."

"It's nice to actually meet you too, MiMi."

After six months of keeping an eye on her, just because that was the type of person he was, MJ felt ready to talk to him.

Pri seemed to like her.

Maybe the spirits she'd grown up with were wrong? And she was actually a likeable person?

February 2013

When MJ woke up, she was still in the living room of the Salvatore House, but she'd been moved to the sofa. Salt had stuck to her hands, the taste of blood was still on her teeth, entire body ready to collapse, stiff from the burns slowly healing across her skin.

Bonnie.

Bonnie hadn't made it through.

As MJ sat up, her eyes landed on the bent ascendant on the floor

It wasn't destroyed, which she took as a good sign, but different sections had melted into one another, no Bonnie on their side to show that it had all been worth it.

The floor was disgusting. A mix of blood, and scorch marks, and blue upchuck, as well as the original magic circle and tarnished salt shapes, entirely different looking to what they'd started as.

Then there was the proof of MJ's mini-explosion.

The ripples of power she'd summoned, the energy she'd manipulated out of her body to try and breakthrough reality, echoing in the room and leaving shadowed marks across the walls and curtains like some kind of twisted crop circle.

Her eyes settled back on the remains of the ascendant.

"The world's undamaged," Kai's voice made her freeze, "She's safe – don't worry."

MJ was lying on one of the sofa's, unsure of how she got there, and alone with Kai Parker.

She'd been knocked out, alone with him.

Her fingers instantly started to tremble, trying to work out what was real and what wasn't, tears brimming in her eyes when she couldn't tell.

Kai saw her messy breathing and crept closer, sitting on the dirty coffee table opposite the sofa.

"Hey," His voice softened, "It's okay."

"Don't – " Her toes were filling up with pins and needles, "I – "

"Honestly, MJ," His hand came towards her, grabbing her forearm, "The ascendant's okay. Bonnie's okay."

MJ shoved him off her, lunging to her feet and looking around wildly.

Was she awake?

Surely, if she was awake, Jeremy would still be with her?

Liv would be on the floor somewhere, possibly dead, possibly knocked out, but definitely hurt.

The magic circle was just there, staring at her.

MJ sank to her knees, sobbing.

"Let me go," She begged.

Kai pulled a puzzled face, "What?"

"Let me out – I can't – I can't play this anymore," She buried her head in her arms, "I get it. I'm never gonna be able to do anything! I'm always going to be useless; you don't need to make me feel worse about it – just get out of my head!"

As she curled up on the floor, Kai was just staring at her.

"Leave me alone."

"...You think we're in your head?"

Silence.

The nothingness just made it all worse.

She could feel the ghost of her failed spell in the air, a spell that could've cost a lot of people their lives if she'd screwed up, and she should've known better than to try it.

But pushing the limits had saved Kol.

But she'd also told Kol that she could equate doing good with ending her own life...

She hadn't just risked hers that time; she'd risked Kai and the entire Gemini Coven. But they were all okay...?

The searing she'd felt on her neck...

Kai siphoning her to knock her out – to stop her from going too far.

He'd technically saved them?

"I wish we were in your head," He mused, "That would mean you didn't vomit all over my shoes."

Her eyes drifted down, just noticing the fact he was now barefoot.

"MJ," Kai stood up, inching closer, only to back up slightly, look around, completely confused, "You didn't destroy it. You got her the message."

MJ twisted into a heap, salt catching in her eyes and making them sting, cries shuddering through her body

"You didn't fail her."

"I failed everyone."

"How?"

"I slit my throat yesterday."

Kai stilled.

MJ snuffled, slowly sitting up, barely able to open her eyes properly.

Her face was exhausted, eyes tired and dry, yet still crying, making her cheeks damp and soft. Her muscles and skin were unable to do anything other than show her clear misery, like they were melting down her face with her frown.

"I just..." She lay back, staring at the ceiling, "I needed this win."

"You did win."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"You saw her. On her birthday," Kai risked coming closer, "You gave her hope back."

"But I didn't get her home."

"It's not your job too."

"It is."

He fought off a smile, "Is this what having emotions is like?"

MJ didn't respond.

"Stupid amounts of guilt and regret?" He sunk to sit next to her in the circle, "Crying when you win, because it's not enough."

She closed her eyes.

"You tried to kill yourself again?"

"I'm aware."

She didn't want to talk about it with Kai.

Especially since it was technically talking about Kol. Kol was one of the few untouched things in her mind, and since there was no Jeremy around to prove she was even awake, she couldn't let Kai win. She couldn't give up the last string of hope she had, but holding on?

Holding on had caused the mess that was the stood they sat in. She'd exploded, and Bonnie and the Gemini Coven were the people who were at risk because of her.

She'd gone from being willing to kill herself to potentially killing everyone.

"You're awake, MJ."

"And I should just trust your word on that?"

Kai's face dropped, "I wasn't kidding earlier."

She forced her eyes open to look at him.

"I am sorry."

"I hope you're not expecting forgiveness."

"I was hoping..."

"Life doesn't work that way, Kai," She shook her head, getting more salt in her hair, "Just because you apologise doesn't mean it has to be accepted - especially not by a victim."

MJ hadn't really viewed herself as a 'victim' before, the word making her uncomfortable. Like it would take over the rest of her, so she refused to let herself be called one.

But that was a her problem.

If she'd heard someone else say that she'd probably spout off something cheesy like 'being a victim isn't a bad thing' or 'you are a victim, but a victim isn't all you are.' And both statements were true. MJ wouldn't look down on other people for being victims, so why did she always have to look down on herself?

Her second 'FUCK RYOS' of the day, the answer obvious.

He and the spirits tag teaming the destruction of her self-esteem.

"I no longer have a spleen. I no longer have a sense of reality. I...I no longer have Bonnie, and now Bonnie feels the way I feel," Her voice caught, "And I don't want anyone else to feel like this."

"But you will get her back. You gave her a reason to not feel like you."

"Will is a stupid word," MJ turned onto her side, facing away from him, "It provides false hope."

"...You don't think Bonnie will get herself back?"

MJ just wanted to go to bed. Except, going to bed meant letting her defences down, and Kai was sitting right there.

"She's a pretty strong person."

"I know."

"So are you."

"Don't compliment me, Kai," She forced herself to sit back up, "I'm a pathetic mess, with an identity crisis and low self-worth, as well as an inability to do anything without getting myself and other people hurt."

MJ couldn't look at the ascendant.

"I only ever get halfway through anything I actually want," She shook her head, "I guess it makes sense."

It was all almost laughable.

"I'm a siphoner. I'm not a real witch...I'm half of one at most, and because of that, the universe will continue to remind me how much I suck and how I will always fall short when it's something I actually care about."

Her voice was croaky, and she hated it.

Kai shuffled closer, "You're a terrible advertisement for having emotions."

"You want the truth, Kai?" MJ turned to face him, "I wish I was more like you."

It was part of why she hated his whole 'equals' thing so much.

"I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't need the approval of other people, but I always will. I crave it."

She felt empty, insides weighing her down, making every muscle ache.

MJ couldn't tell if it was from almost losing Kol, failing Bonnie, or, maybe, it wasn't anything to do with her mental state. Maybe she was just drained because she'd expelled an enormous amount of magic from her body.

"Reminder that I'm new at this," Kai rubbed his hands together, "But, you're clearly not okay...so............do you want to talk about it?"

His tone was so soft that it almost scared her.

"I don't get something," MJ's expression became sharper, like she was ready for an attack.

He raised an eyebrow, "Something I can help with?"

"Why do you act like you're a sociopath?"

"You already tried this," He reminded her, "I was one."

"Bullshit," She had the sudden realisation she'd stopped swearing in Spanish at some point, "Complete and utter bullshit."

"In case you haven't noticed, MJ, I'm not exactly one for - "

"Lies," She cut him off, "If you didn't care – if you didn't have any emotions, you wouldn't have cared about being alone. But you did."

MJ shook some of the salt out of her hair, going back over the points she'd made in the Chambre De Chasse.

"The second you realised I was a Siphoner, you were trying to connect," She swallowed, trying to get her real voice back, "Vampires can turn off humanity. There's a switch in their heads. But that switch, it has a time limit, which means over the years, I've gotten really good at spotting when a vampire is faking it."

Damon when they're first met.

Stefan when he'd tried to pretend he wasn't feeling anything.

Elena bordering on the edge of flipping her emotions back on.

Kol when it came to his family.

"And that's what you're doing," MJ was sure of it, "All of what you do comes from pain, and abandonment, and isolation, Kai. And you've gotten so good at pretending that you've even convinced yourself!"

Her breathing wanted to pick up, but she didn't let it.

"Guess what, you didn't convince me."

"Hm," He bit his lip and dodged the accusation, "I'm probably the last person you want here right now."

She just laughed and closed her eyes, "I don't want anyone here right now."

"Sure you don't."

"Buzz off, Kai."

"Someone set you off – sent you back into suicide land yesterday. Someone who isn't Bonnie," He was unnatural calm, "Just say it."

She growled.

"The internet said that getting it all out is supposed to help."

"Kol Mikaelson almost died."

Silence.

MJ hated the fact he had a point.

Kol had almost died. Again. She'd been a few moments off of seeing his second dead body after spending an entire day basically saying goodbye. Bracing herself for the fact she'd have to live without him again. Then, the moment it became real, she'd killed herself.

Kai seemed a little uncomfortable, but he was trying, "And who's that?"

The best-slash-worst bit?

Kai wasn't one of her friends, so she could be honest for just a moment about how much pain she was in when it came to Kol.

She didn't need to give context; she didn't need to feel bad about expecting Caroline or Tyler to support her, given everything else going on in their lives. She didn't need to address the elephant in the room when it came to confiding in Jeremy. No fake sympathy from Ric, or the fact he'd probably use the situation to try and get her to come back to Mystic Falls full-time.

MJ also didn't need to feel bad because, in all honesty, Kol deserved to be incredibly screwed up from the experience.

Not having to comfort her, or make it up to her, or, well, anything - he deserved to focus on himself. If she stuck around New Orleans, MJ knew he'd try to be perfect for her as a thank you, and he deserved a moment to openly feel rather than focus on her recovery from the mess.

She didn't want him to be hyperaware or extra-guilty about her state considering it wasn't his fault he'd almost died.

It was Finn's, and, in a way, it was hers.

"My boyfriend, currently ex," MJ had barely been able to use the word, "The person who made me believe that people were made for each other."

Her neck was empty.

Kai lifted his hand, the necklace still wrapped around it.

She took it back and gripped the ring tightly in her palm. There was a dam crashing down in her brain, eyes closing as slow and heavy tears rolled down her face in tiny drips, proving that she was really cried out.

"He got hexed...spent a day watching him die, tears and blood everywhere, and, well, siphoner-sense meaning I could feel the exact amount of pain pumping through his body."

It was an incredibly fucked up experience, to put it simply.

"I forced the universe's hand to heal him."

"By slitting your throat?"

"Yep."

"And you love him?"

"Something like that."

Kai shifted, "Would you ever turn it off?"

"If I was a vampire?"

"Yeah."

She really thought about it.

MJ thought about all her experiences with the humanity switch and everyone's responses to it.

After one long breath in, her chest was finally loosening, "No."

"Wow," He snorted, "That was a really set answer."

"It's..." MJ couldn't stop herself from talking, "I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Four major reasons."

"...You've really thought about it then."

"Yup," MJ brushed her hands together, "Stefan and I had a conversation about three years ago."

It was crazy to think that she'd moved to Mystic Falls in 2009.

It was 2013, and she'd technically moved to New Orleans in September of 2011. Yet, there she was, still sitting in the Salvatore House. February 2013. Alone with a self-diagnosed sociopath who'd ruined her head and magically been reunited with emotions overnight, watching her cry her eyes out for Bonnie, and her boyfriend, and herself.

"Sometime in April 2010," She tried to focus, "I was talking to him about the...What you dubbed as my mania and depressive episodes."

"Because you're bi-polar."

"I'm not actually," She felt her shoulders relaxing, "The depressive periods come from potentially low serotonin levels and repeated traumatic experiences."

If Cami's mock-diagnosis was correct, combined with Ryos's versions of their mum's medical file.

"Thanks for contributing to that," MJ managed to shoot him sarcastic peace signs, "By the way."

"Was it really that traumatic?"

"Yes," She glared.

"I'm sorry!"

"Whatever," MJ wasn't gonna argue about that, "I was asking Stefan about humanity."

She'd been asking about a vampire's view of emotion long before she'd met Kol.

"Back then, I just viewed my low and high periods as different mentalities, and we were talking, and he told me that, to him, emotions are what keep you from going over the edge...I disagreed."

Ryos's whole 'when you're emotional you're crazy' stance so heavily engrained in her.

"Nowadays, it's different," MJ forced herself to stand up and click her back, "Emotions make me do shitty things, but they also stop me from doing even worse things. And they mean I can learn and do better."

If she didn't have her emotions, she wouldn't feel guilty about killing herself, which would make her comfortable doing it again – and she didn't want to be comfortable doing it.

"Stefan's reason number one..."

After having a conversation with him about how much he valued human emotions, it felt disrespectful to their friendship to say she'd ever willingly turn it off. She'd take for granted something he desperate wanted back. 

"Kol is reason number two. It would be an insult to him to turn my humanity off."

Because of his own relationship with the switch, and, because,

"I love him. Why on earth would I want to erase that?"

The switch would take the good and the bad emotions away, and the good ones were too good to lose.

"Then, my best friend, Tyler."

A Tyler Lockwood hug was needed after everything.

"He's been through hell the past four years," MJ couldn't contribute to it, "He never turned it off,"

And she was unnaturally proud of him for it.

"And his reasoning? He didn't want to hurt the people who cared about him by doing that. I owe him the same respect."

"So other people dictate your emotions?" Kai judged.

"Reason number four," She held up a hand to stop his comment, "The emotion switch turns you into a bitch. Just because I'm miserable doesn't mean I get a free pass to make everyone else miserable too."

Cue the no-humanity Elena and first year Damon flashbacks.

"And that's not even factoring in how, if I turned off my humanity, everyone would die."

He finally stood up too, intrigued, "Huh?"

"Compassion and connection are a fundamental part of who I am," She wanted to get back to that person, "And, no offence to everyone here, but I'm stronger than all of them, and I'm smarter."

Three years' worth of evidence on that front.

"And almost everyone I know has screwed me over at one point or another, meaning, if I was a vampire? If I flipped my switch – they would all be dead."

She was smart enough to get the jump on the Mystic Falls vampires, and she had two White Oak Stake, and all but one dagger for the Originals

- And, she'd have to kill the Originals first.

They were the people who'd have the highest chance of getting her to flip it back on.

They were smart enough to plan around her, strong enough to keep her locked up in case they needed to bleed out vervain, then they could simply compel her to flip it back.

MJ was done with the conversation at that thought.

She didn't want to give Kai any more information, and she didn't want to sit in The Salvatore House any longer. Not after being trapped there for months.

"Um," She looked at Kai one final time, "Thank you for helping today."

"Is that your way of forgiving me?"

"No," MJ needed time, "But I'm not going to not thank you."

She'd thanked Damon and Klaus enough times when they'd helped, despite being mad at them.

"You put yourself at risk," She looked around, "Thank you for that."

As her eyes closed, MJ blew into the air, a ripple spreading out, slowly tidying it all up and making her headache worse. But the place seemed a little less broken.

"MJ," Kai called as she moved to the door.

She looked at him one last time.

"I am...sorry," He shuffled, "About what happened to your now ex-boyfriend."

She curled her lips in.

"Probably should've said it earlier but I wanted to ask about the switch, and I wasn't sure if you wanted me to change the topic since you looked so upset - "

"Thank you for saying that."

Heading out of the house, she passed a knocked out Jeremy being watched over by Damon and Elena.

She deliberately didn't stop to check in.

She couldn't.

She and Jeremy were good, but that didn't change the fact that all her old Kol wounds had reopened, and she needed a minute to get as far from the Gilbert's as she could.

She was also acutely aware that Damon and Elena had left her alone with Kai, despite there being two of them. Damon could've waited for her to wake up while Elena looked over at her brother.

No.

She couldn't let herself focus on her negative emotions towards them.

Finn had hexed Kol. Finn was the reason Kol had almost died. And though she hoped he'd died in the fiery explosion at the safehouse, they didn't actually know he had for sure. He could have put in precautions to save himself since he'd known she'd locked him in his body.

MJ wanted Ric.

Or her dad.

Or her mum's spirit.

Or Carol.

She wanted a parent to cry into, to curl up on Ric's couch, but she couldn't. She couldn't rock up to his new apartment, interrupt whatever evening he was having with Jo, and demand care after making such a big deal about needing to be in New Orleans.

She couldn't ask for comfort about a Mikaelson from him of all people, especially since Kol hadn't actually died this time.

December 2003

MJ was loitering around the witch house, conflicted about being noticed as she awkwardly paced, trying to come to a decision about who she wanted to be. The house was a little rickety, creaking stairs, corridors that seemed to always have a cold breeze blowing through, but life behind almost every door.

It was a thin but tall building, almost like an apartment block, but none of the rooms would count as apartments themselves, barely enough room for one person. Floor after floor, kitchen at the bottom with the entrance foyer and living room.

The 'living' room always had the most light pouring out of it.

The Martín-Pérez family ran the witch-halfway-house, and they were lovely enough people. They didn't exactly get involved in anyone's lives beyond providing beds and breakfast, but why would they when they were just landlords of sorts?

They already did more than MJ had expected them too by organising house social events. She'd slowly started to 'attend' them, more just floating around in the background in an attempt to feel included.

She was kinda shooting herself in the foot since one of the daughters actually kept trying to get MJ to hang out with her.

Gina.

She was two years older than MJ, had an older brother, and two younger siblings – the twins, one girl and one boy, two years younger than MJ.

Gina was friends with Pri.

Ish.

Since Gina was technically in the year above Pri, they weren't best friends, but they did clubs together. And MJ had noticed Gina's odd focus on her ever since she'd started hanging around Pri herself. That was part of why she wanted to try and talk to the fellow witch again.

She'd also recently been reunited with her mum's ghost, and Ana Ruiz brought up the fact she needed to be more open to new friends every time they spoke.

Gina had greeted MJ in such a friendly when she'd first arrived, and she'd been nothing but polite ever since, but that didn't change the fact that MJ knew practically nothing about her. Nothing, except that she'd been sitting in the central living room, a spellbook in front of her, all of Sunday.

"Um," MJ forced herself to speak as she passed the room for what felt like the millionth time that day, "Are you okay?"

Gina gave her a curious look, "Hey?"

"Hi," MJ shuffled further into the room, "Sorry – um, I – not to seem weird or anything, but – I just, I noticed – "

"That I've been sitting here, failing, all day?"

MJ didn't know how to respond to that.

Gina sighed, leaning back on the floor, both hands behind her, propping her up, "There's no point sugar-coating it – legit, it's like I'm human, right now."

"Is there..." MJ stared at the Grimoire on the coffee table.

It felt like years since she'd seen one.

She hadn't seen a proper one since May, which was only seven months – but seven months had felt like years.

"Is there anything you can do to help?" Gina finished the sentence for her, "Maybe."

"I'm not," MJ shook her head, "I'm not exactly – "

"A witch?" She raised an eyebrow, "You are. I know you are."

"I'm not a good one."

"Says who?"

"I haven't practised in a while."

"No time like the present to start," Gina patted the spot next to her, "God knows I could use a second set of eyes."

"I really don't – shouldn't?" MJ shuffled back into the doorway, "Um..."

Gina sat up straighter, "You don't want to practise?"

She shook her head.

"Odd," She scrunched up her nose, "I've never met a witch who didn't want to practise before."

MJ kept her mouth shut.

"Please."

And MJ was a goner, "Okay."

One day she would need to learn how to say no to people.

"I won't do the spell, but I'll see if I can work out what you're doing wrong?"

She refused to actually practice beyond her spirit summoning and banishing spells.

And MJ was taking a massive risk just sitting close to another witch, considering she was a living leech.

"Thank you!" Gina beamed, "It's a levitation spell."

She pushed the book towards MJ.

"I've been able to do it since I was like six, and yet, today is just not my day," Gina huffed, "I tried to fix my shower, and light some candles, and tidy my room, and the magic just keeps falling short."

"Oh," MJ read over the unfamiliar Latin words, "You're blocked."

Gina snapped her fingers, "Yes!

MJ tried not to laugh at the reaction.

"But I can't figure out why."

"Well," MJ closed the book, "I can't help with that."

"Why not?"

"I don't know Latin."

Gina looked unimpressed, "You're a witch, but you don't know ancestral magic?"

Alarms started to go off in her brain.

"Not my business," She didn't press though, luckily, "You can still help – have you ever been blocked before?"

No.

She'd been magic low, but she'd never been blocked.

"Have you done risky magic recently?" MJ tried.

She wanted to get better at talking to people.

She needed to get used to people if she wanted to keep hanging out with Pri, and she really wanted to keep hanging out with Pri. She felt normal when she was with Pri, and she was working on her social skills with Beni too, but still, that was only one person.

"Nope," Gina flicked the sheet, "It's just, like, the words won't work for me."

"Do you have another version of the spell you could try?"

"...Another version of the spell?"

MJ swallowed nervously, "You know, like, your version?"

"My version?"

"That's your Family Grimoire," She had to assume, "The spell is written there for you, but it's not necessarily the spell that's suited to you."

Gina switched from cross-legged to kneeling, "What?"

"Magic is unique to each of us," MJ repeated what her mother had always told her, "Sometimes, stuff doesn't gel with you as well as it did with another."

Ana's reasoning for never letting MJ have the family Grimoire growing up.

"Practising magic is about more than just reciting ancient spells," She shrugged, "If the old spells aren't working, write your own."

Gina blinked, "Write my own?"

"Yeah."

MJ didn't understand Gina's suddenly intense focus on her. It was like MJ was the only person in the room, or it was like she'd told Gina she was an alien or something.

"You know...work out what words work for you."

"You know how to do that?" Light-filled Gina's face, "You know how to write spells?"

"Not exactly," MJ shook her head furiously, "I know the structure."

"Cool!"

MJ regretted mentioning that.

"You've gotta teach me."

"I don't practise anymore!"

"Why not!"

"I just don't!"

Gina realised she'd touched a nerve.

MJ went to stand up, regretting letting her mind trick her into thinking that making a witch friend would be a good idea.

Gina caught her wrist, "Please."

"I – "

"You don't have to practise!" Gina assured her, "You just have to talk me through it."

Looking at her innocent face, MJ let herself get pulled back to sitting on the old rug of the witch house living room floor. It had been made by an ex guest.

A guy who'd left about a week earlier, for Europe. A siphoner. Someone MJ should've forced herself to talk to, yet failed too, because she was an ashamed little kid scared of letting people realise she was one of the defects in the world.

He'd been so lovely to everyone, yet people had been happy to see him leave.

The rug was nice though.

That was something everyone had agreed on.

It was filled with bright colours and made with care, skills he'd learnt from a Floare troupe he'd grown up in.

"I'm desperate to get something right today."

"Okay," MJ hoped she wasn't about to make a massive mistake, "Summon some paper and pens?"

After letting herself think about her parents for the culture project she'd completed with Pri, MJ had started to think about the less human details of her childhood.

Sitting with Gina, explaining how to make a spell, meant reliving all the tiny instructions her mother had given her – even though she'd never actually let MJ write a spell before. She didn't know if anything she was doing was right, but Gina wanted help, and Gina wasn't pushing her to talk because Gina knew about the house rules.

She just wanted support.

Trying to make another friend wasn't the worst idea, was it?

After about two hours of trying to get the right combination of words for Gina, MJ was pretty sure they had a finished spell.

It had taken that long because they were both novices and because MJ really didn't know normal magic. She knew her mum's Floare terms, and she knew some New Orleans phrases. But she didn't know how to make a spell in Latin, desperately googling things to try and keep Gina from noticing her severe lack of knowledge.

Once they were done, it still wasn't working, though.

"Dammit!" Gina hit the table, "What is wrong with me today?"

"Maybe you just need a nap?" MJ suggested, long hair tied back.

"No..." She frowned, "I just can't think straight!"

MJ dared to ask a slightly invasive question, "What are you thinking about?"

"A mix of stuff."

"A mix?"

Gina shrugged, "School? Music week?"

MJ nodded.

The school's mid-year Spirit week was coming up, so all the creative clubs were on overdrive.

"Pri?"

MJ stilled.

"I keep thinking about her," Gina started to fiddle with the paper they'd written on, "She's..."

"What's Pri got to do with this?"

"Nothing," Gina laughed, "She's just really pretty."

Her entire body tensed up.

"Like, really, really, pretty."

"Um..."

"Sorry," Gina put a hand up, "You guys are friends; I shouldn't unload that on you."

"You think Pri's pretty?"

"...Maybe?"

MJ had to agree; she just hadn't realised it was a normal thing to think.

"And she's so nice," Gian shook her head, "Every year we team up for art week, and it's like, the funniest week of the year, and we stayed up stupidly late yesterday texting, and it's, like, god!"

"It," MJ laughed nervously, "It sounds like you have a crush on her."

Gine straightened up.

"Sorry. Not my place."

"...I don't have a crush on her," Gina looked back at the Grimoire, "Do I?"

MJ really didn't know what she was meant to say to that question.

"Is this what having a crush is like?"

"I wouldn't know."

"But...you don't get crushes on girls – can you?" Gina turned so she could lean on the coffee table, "That's not, like, a thing that happens?"

"I mean," MJ was officially out of her depth, "I think it's...you'd know better than I would..."

"I've never had a crush before," Gina looked ill, "Boys are gross."

"I mean, agreed," MJ fiddled with her fingers, "Maybe? I don't think all boys are gross, but a lot of them are."

She was twelve. She hadn't thought thinking boys were gross was unusual at that age, but Gina was two years older than her, and Pri had a boyfriend. MJ knew that.

She also knew Pri complained about her boyfriend a lot.

Pri was the queen of 'guys are more drama than there worth' but kept going on dates with him because 'drama can be fun.'

Gina wasn't blinking, "I couldn't have a crush on her – like, why would I have a crush on her?"

"Because she's pretty," MJ repeated back the things Gina had already said, "And she's really nice, and way smarter than people give her credit for, and like, everything about her is just warm."

Pri was kinda great.

"And she's funny..."

Gina gave her a look, "Do you have a crush on her?"

"I really want her to like me," MJ admitted, "In a friend-way."

"...Do you want me to like you? In a friend-way?"

Yes.

She looked at the floor, "Maybe."

"Well," Gina beamed, "I do. That's why I keep trying to get you to talk to me."

"Oh..."

"And, first friend duty?" Gina rubbed her hands together, "Don't mention this to anyone?"

"Okay." She could do that, "I promise I won't."

"At least," Gina pulled a face, "Not until I figure out if this is normal – like, if I actually do have a crush on her, or if it's just a friend thing...Like...on TV, when people get crushes, it's always on guys."

MJ tried to give her a warm smile, "Ross's ex-wife has a wife on Friends."

"I guess that's true."

"Ellen's show did too," MJ watched a lot of TV to avoid sleeping, "Will and Grace has gay men and women."

Gina's eyebrows started to furrow.

"Omar Little in The Wire – gay black guy."

"Any other women?"

"Willow in Buffy The Vampire Slayer?" She kept thinking, "I could probably look into it – if you want."

Gina considered, "I mean, you came up with a few off the top of your head."

She nodded.

"I guess it's not that weird then?"

"I...um, well - I don't think it's weird?"

"Thanks?"

MJ felt her own brain going into a bit of a floating loop.

Could she seriously not think of any more?

Did that mean it was weird to like girls like that? Or not weird?

"Mental crisis over," Gina declared, "I'm gonna try this one final time."

As she slowly spoke the words MJ had written for her, the pen on the centre of the table began to float, like lifting up was all it was meant to do.

"Huh," Gina dropped the magic, letting it crash back down, "That unblocked me?"

MJ couldn't stop herself from laughing at that realisation.

One way to find out you have a crush on someone.

February 2013

She opened the front door to the Lockwood's and found Tyler lying on the couch in the living room, a bourbon bottle in his hand, all the lights off.

"Bad day?" She sniffed.

He instantly shot up, taking her all in.

Frizzy hair, blood and blue 'something' staining her burnt clothes, red puffy eyes.

"Oh my god," He put the bottle on the table, getting up.

She waved her hand, "It's fi – "

Before she could even finish the words, he was hugging her.

"What happened with you?" She let him rock them back and forth in the hug.

"I broke up with Liv."

"...Why?"

"She was going to kill herself by killing Kai."

MJ's shoulder's slumped.

"I can't have that in my life," He shook his head while pulling away, "I can't..."

MJ gave him a cautious look as they returned to the couch.

"It doesn't matter."

"Ty?"

"You really don't want me to end the sentence, MJ."

"I do," She wanted to be there for her friend.

At the very least, she might be a failure at everything else, but she didn't want to think that she wasn't good at being there for him anymore.

"I..." He stared at her pleading face as he retook a seat on the sofa, "I can't let people who'll choose death over me in my life anymore...not when I've already lost so many people."

She closed her eyes, curling her lips in, "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault!" He reached towards her, "It's a completely different situation."

"Ty – "

"MJ!" He was gripping her head, "Completely different."

"Live and I? We both lost our brothers...It's – I'm – " MJ tried to get up, "I don't wanna hurt you, Ty."

"You're not," He pulled her right back down, arms going around her, "You won't."

"I will."

"You died to bring me back. It's different."

"But I didn't wanna come back – I was gonna do that to you!"

His hold got tighter, pulling her down, so she was lying next to him on the sofa.

"I was gonna leave you all alone," She was crying all over again.

"It's okay, MJ," He whispered, "We'll figure this out."

"Ty..."

"You're doing better – "

"I did it again."

He stilled around her.

She tried to push back from him, but Tyler didn't let her.

"MJ?"

"Kol was dying."

"...What?"

"Yeah," MJ buried her head in his chest, "He was, like, properly about to die."

She felt how stiff his body was.

"Again."

"No..."

"Yeah."

"But he didn't?"

"I saved him."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I forced my magic to work by slitting my throat."

"Oh, MJ," He shifted his weight to let her squish into the gap between his body and the sofa back, completely hiding in the softness of the expensive furniture, "That's – "

"And it doesn't matter that it worked. Because I was still looking at him, and he had so much blood on him, and I just kept thinking about seeing the burnt body the first time, and then it was like I couldn't breathe, and then I realised what I'd done – and I would've left you alone – but I had to save him, and I did save him - but it doesn't feel like I did."

"It doesn't feel like you did?"

"He still went through the process of dying," She sobbed, "I still watched it happen."

He squeezed her a little tighter.

"And then I just did it, and then I wanted to take it back, but if I took it back, he'd be dead, and I couldn't – it's just – if he was dead, I'd be – "

She didn't actually know how to put it into words.

"And I just needed to see you..."

"But you didn't tell me you were back."

"I know."

That day, she'd needed to try and got Bonnie home. If she'd gotten Bonnie home, maybe she could've justified it in a way.

'I know you don't need this energy in your life, but look, I saved Bonnie!'

"I wasn't ready to face you."

"MJ," He spoke into her shoulder, "Liv chose to die."

"So did I."

"And you clearly regret it."

She blinked, breathing evening out a little.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

It wasn't like she regretted saving Kol.

She'd never regret doing that, but the method...she could've just used a spell.

"Considering your determination to die the first time," Tyler finally leant back, forcing her to look at him, "That's progress."

It was.

"You regret it, and you came home to me."

"...I don't wanna die, Ty."

They were both welling up as she finally got through the phrase.

"I really wanna live."

His arms felt tighter around as she wiped her cheeks on him, finally getting tears for something that wasn't sad.

"God," She wanted to laugh, "I didn't think that would be that hard to say."

"Is Kol with you in town?"

MJ leant back on the sofa, "I broke up with him."

Tyler laughed, hand shooting over his mouth, "What?"

"It's," She tried to phrase it, "I can't be a girlfriend right now. I can't be doing this to him."

Making it seem like he didn't matter to her. Or that he was a part of the problem.

"Based on my Liv-Situation, right call to make," He rubbed her side, "I feel bad for him, but definitely the right call to make."

The idea that Tyler was in a similar emotional position did help her a little, even if there were a few fundamental differences.

"Does Caroline know about any of this?"

"I can't tell her," MJ reasoned, "Liz is the priority right now."

Ty's arm was permanently placed around her shoulder, "Are you sure that's what you wanna do?"

"Kol didn't actually die, and I dumped him."

Klaus was completely correct when he'd predicted her typical invalidating behaviour about to pop out.

"Bonnie's still trapped because I couldn't pull her back to our side of the prison world. You and Liv broke up. And I can't tell when I'm awake from when I'm sleeping," She continued to sum it all up, "I can't dump that on her when her mum is literally dying from cancer – I didn't even wanna dump it on you."

"That's what best friends are for MJ."

"But – "

"No buts. Being a mess right now doesn't make you a problem," He teased, "I've spent most of our friendship being a mess."

A valid point.

"But, if you don't want anyone to know? I'll keep quiet."

"Thank you."

December 2003

"You're coming running with me," Pri chucked a pair of patterned leggings at MJ.

She'd been sitting, round the side of the school, using her knees as a desk, leaning back on the stone wall guarding the steps to the main entrance, doing her homework. She had a workbook and a pile of sheets, two textbooks on her left, and an open backpack she'd scavenged off someone at the witch house filled with other things to read.

The local librarian, Antonia, loved giving her recommendations and helping her with her school work. She was practically a teacher, letting MJ sit behind the desk with her until she had to close each night, telling her about history, and letting MJ 'teach' her about whatever she'd been learning at school.

It reminded her of being with her dad, and it was something she needed.

"On your feet," Pri started to clap.

"Nope," MJ looked at the leggings like they were evil, "Busy."

"I call lies."

She motioned to the pile of work around her.

"MiMi," Pri always spoke like she held the answers to all the problems in the universe, "You're in Seventh Grade. There's no way all of this work has been given to you today, and there's no way any of it's really relevant."

"You don't know that."

"I'm in Eight Grade. I've literally taken all your classes already, and we did not study..." Pri picked up one of the textbooks, "Medieval Torture Devices?"

She gave MJ a serious look.

"Why on god's great earth are you reading about Medieval Torture?"

"I'm not!" MJ snatched it back, "Read the title."

Pri had flipped to a bookmarked page.

"Medieval architecture," She stressed the name of the book, "It's all about maths and geometry, including how those devices came about."

"Again," Pri tossed MJ a bright orange shirt from her bag too, "I like random reading as much as the next person, but mine usually ties to something I'm studying?"

"I..." MJ shifted; the shirt was less hideous, "A librarian recommended it to me..."

Pri's teasing expression faltered, "You go to the library?"

"I know," She huffed, "I'm a nerd."

"No, no, no!" Pri quickly backtracked, "I just didn't realise that was a thing people did when, you know, google exists."

MJ looked away awkwardly.

"I mean, all these books look really heavy," She tried to pick the backpack up, proving her assumption correct when she instantly put it back down in a loud slump, "Damn! Do you lift weights or something?"

MJ often felt like her bag was a good equivalent to lifting weights.

"I don't exactly do exercise," She shook her head, "I do know basic self-defence."

"Cool," Pri nodded, "Random, but cool."

For the first six months, all new witch-house members had to take in house self-defence sessions since living in a city on your own wasn't particularly safe. Someone who'd lived in the house while they were in college came back to teach the youngest ones first now she was an adult – especially the girls. Past six months, it was a choice, which MJ still made since it was fun to watch.

"Recommendation," Pri zipped up the bag, "Make a list of subjects to google on your computer, do your back a favour by ditching the books, and come running with me."

MJ nodded half-heartedly.

Pri noticed the low attitude, "You okay?"

"Yeah," She continued moving her head up and down, "I just want some alone time."

After taking a half step back, Pri moved to sit down on the large pavement tile floor with her, "Did I say something?"

"No."

"MiMi."

MJ couldn't look at her properly, incredibly embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry – if you like the library, you do you!" She put her hands up, "I was just trying to be chill because I really wanna show you something that requires running."

"Honestly, Pri," MJ motioned for her to go, "You haven't done anything."

"I clearly have."

Pri had always been too good at reading her, and part of MJ hated it. She really wanted to be Pri's friend, but every conversation that ended up looping back to MJ's personal life felt like a bomb about to go off. She hated lying about her situation. Lies had cost her dad his life, but Pri was human. She couldn't just tell her about witches - could she?

"It's just," MJ closed the workbook slowly, "I don't have a computer..."

Pri shifted, "Oh...Your parents?"

"No."

Only a few students owned one in the witch house, and they were all rightfully super possessive over them since they'd been saving for years. MJ did have a brick phone, but that didn't have internet access since it had been a cheap one Ryos had bought her to make sure they could keep in touch while they were both ditching magic. The most advanced thing it could do was record the voice notes she sent him every few days.

"Is it because...?"

"We can't afford it."

"God, I'm such a bad friend," Pri shook her head, "Of course you like the library. Don't listen to me – I'm an idiot! Libraries are cool."

"You're not an idiot; you didn't know you were being..."

"Insensitive."

"No," MJ shook her head, "I'm overly sensitive."

In her mind, she was always overly sensitive.

"I like the library; that's a weird thing to like. You're the normal one, Pri."

"Screw that - I'm sure the library's fun."

Pri always worked so hard to make MJ feel good, and she really liked her for it, but it often just made her feel that much worse about all the secrets. And the fact MJ was useless at friendships.

"Running?" MJ relooked over the sports outfit Pri had brought for her.

"Don't even worry about it. We can stay here and talk Medieval torture."

MJ managed a genuine smile, "You said you wanted to show me something."

"It can wait."

"Honestly," MJ scrunched up her nose at the fabric, "I'm not wearing this, but I'm done with my homework anyway."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Then you'll have to work with the outfit for now," Pri smiled slyly, "It's some of my old stuff, but you need it."

MJ raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Because we're being active!"

"Gross."

"I promise you'll love it."

"I hate running."

"Then I'm about to change your entire worldview."

"Bold statement," MJ stood up, packing up her things.

"You good at rock climbing?"

"Never tried."

"Scared of heights?"

"I love heights."

"Perfect," Pri rubbed her hands together, "Any sense of personal safety willing to get put on pause for an afternoon?"

"And now you're making me nervous," MJ shouldered her stupidly heavy backpack, "What are we doing?"

"Freerunning."

MJ got changed, trying not to stress about what the unfamiliar word meant, considering she couldn't google it. The travel-sized dictionary she always carried didn't seem to have a definition either.

Pri was a free person.
Pri was a happy person.

MJ wanted to be a happier person, which meant learning how to handle her little anxieties, and let herself live a little with her friend. She didn't need to know everything.

She dumped her backpack in her locker, opting to collect it the next day, heading into the city with Pri, and following her lead.

First, they were walking to a park; from that park, they started to jog, MJ keeping up well since she wasn't exactly an unfit person. She didn't like exercise, but that was because she didn't understand it. She'd still done dance and swimming growing up.

Then they hit the skate park – that was when she had to learn some of the 'technique' from Pri. How to run, jump, land on a metal bar, then keep running. Apparently she'd done a course and was part of a group that met up on Saturday mornings to practise - making her 'qualified' to teach MJ.

They were jumping from wall to wall, swinging around poles, and a lot of the time, it honestly felt like flying.

MJ officially thought Pri was insane.

But she also loved it.

Jumping meant they could skip out running across stairs, Pri even getting her to try climbing up the side of a building by using an incredibly thin alleyway to bounce back and forth on.

It failed, spectacularly, but neither of them broke anything. Just a million scratches and bruises.

From that alley, they kept moving, through the skyscrapers, to a different park, then to a side section MJ had never been down before. They could reach the roof of a shop by ducking, jumping, and running across service section walls until they reached the top, pulling themselves over the ridge to stand on the low-lying industrial roof.

They'd left the skyscrapers behind them, but it still felt cool.

At least three floors up, thanks to ladders, able to look down at people on the pavement, across to the green-tinted metal of the railway circuit.

Every morning, MJ rode it, feeling unbelievably high and happy in her subway car. Now, she was there again. All on her own. On her own – with Pri.

"Yes," Pri grinned, "That's the look I was hoping for?"

MJ was beaming at the train tracks across from them.

She turned to face her friends, arms out as the breeze blew around her.

"How'd you find this?" MJ asked.

"Went through a bunch of sketchy websites trying to teach me parkour before I joined a group," Pri admitted, "One recommended here. One look and I knew you'd love it."

"...Coming here made you think of me?"

Pri nodded enthusiastically.

"Why?"

"Because it felt quiet," She bobbed her head, "Yet surprisingly full of life."

MJ's eyebrows creased.

Pri walked closer to the edge again, "I was here, and there was no one to talk to, and suddenly, it was like I could hear everything."

MJ let her feet drift forward too.

"All the little talks people were having on the sidewalks. The music coming from cars and all the trains passing by. I felt so small and so big at the same time," Pri inhaled slowly, "That type of energy is you-energy."

"It is?"

"Soft life energy," Pri smiled, "Like, that 'noticing everything' part – that's what I think your head is like."

Another moment where Pri was unnaturally accurate in her assumptions about MJ.

"I can look, see everything, and feel giddy," She continued, "And that's what it's like talking to you."

MJ felt her face flushing.

"I never know what you're gonna say or what you're thinking about, but it's always interesting," She grinned, "And it could be about anything, and that makes me excited."

She felt herself wanting to tear up a little, not used to someone talking to her like that.

"So I knew I had to show you."

MJ forced herself to keep it together, "And you tricked me into exercise to do it?"

"You enjoyed yourself!" Pri defended, despite the awful sweaty smell coming from both of them, "Running is fun."

"Eh."

"It is!" She defended, "Running is the wind blowing in your hair!"

It had felt nice.

"Time moving in a whole different type of way," She stressed, "It deserves recognition for that."

"I love the way you describe things," She was going to start trying to describe things the way Pri did going forward.

It would probably make her enjoy life more.

Everything seemed beautiful.

"Running is also my favourite way to lift my mood," She added, "Music in, I don't have to talk to people, I can just exist."

Maybe MJ needed to try running more often.

She wanted to just exist for a little bit, a lot of the time too.