I just thought, how about another movie script?

Smelly Sea Monster

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM - AFTERNOON

Splendid hairdresser SIR CHAD MCCALLISTER is arguing with admirable computer programmer DR CATHERINE WALKER. CHAD tries to hug CATHERINE but she shakes him off.

CHAD
Please Catherine, don't leave me.

CATHERINE
I'm sorry Chad, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.

CHAD
I am such a person!

CATHERINE frowns.

CATHERINE
I'm sorry, Chad. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

CATHERINE leaves.

CHAD sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, hopeful scout DI WILLIAM BISHOP barges in looking flustered.

CHAD
Goodness, William! Is everything okay?

WILLIAM
I'm afraid not.

CHAD
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

WILLIAM
It's ... a sea monster ... I saw an evil sea monster rob a bunch of baby birds!

CHAD
Defenseless baby birds?

WILLIAM
Yes, defenseless baby birds!

CHAD
Bloomin' heck, William! We've got to do something.

WILLIAM
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

CHAD
You can start by telling me where this happened.

WILLIAM
I was...

WILLIAM fans himself and begins to wheeze.

CHAD
Focus William, focus! Where did it happen?

WILLIAM
Greenwich! That's right - Greenwich!

CHAD springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

CHAD rushes along the street, followed by WILLIAM. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. GREENWICH - SHORTLY AFTER

GRAHAM BOGTROTTER a smelly sea monster terrorises two baby birds.

CHAD, closely followed by WILLIAM, rushes towards GRAHAM, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

WILLIAM
What is is? What's the matter?

CHAD
That's not just any old sea monster, that's Graham Bogtrotter!

WILLIAM
Who's Graham Bogtrotter?

CHAD
Who's Graham Bogtrotter? Who's Graham Bogtrotter? Only the most smelly sea monster in the universe!

WILLIAM
Blinkin' knickers, Chad! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly sea monster in the universe!

CHAD
You can say that again.

WILLIAM
Blinkin' knickers, Chad! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most smelly sea monster in the universe!

CHAD
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.

Graham turns and sees Chad and William. He grins an evil grin.

GRAHAM
Chad McCallister, we meet again.

WILLIAM
You've met?

CHAD
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young CHAD is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees GRAHAM. He takes off his headphones.

GRAHAM
Would you like some barley sugar?

CHAD's eyes light up, but then he studies GRAHAM more closely, and looks uneasy.

CHAD
I don't know, you look kind of smelly.

GRAHAM
Me? No. I'm not smelly. I'm the least smelly sea monster in the world.

CHAD
Wait, you're a sea monster?

CHAD runs away, screaming.

EXT. GREENWICH - PRESENT DAY

GRAHAM
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

WILLIAM
(To CHAD) You ran away?

CHAD
(To WILLIAM) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

CHAD turns to GRAHAM.

CHAD
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

CHAD runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

CHAD
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.

GRAHAM
I'm not scared of you.

CHAD
You should be.

INT. HAMSTEAD HEATH - LATER THAT DAY

CHAD and WILLIAM walk around searching for something.

CHAD
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.

WILLIAM
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.

CHAD
You know nothing William Bishop.

WILLIAM
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, GRAHAM appears, holding a pair of spoons.

GRAHAM
Looking for something?

WILLIAM
Crikey, Chad, he's got your spoons.

CHAD
Tell me something I don't already know!

WILLIAM
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

CHAD
I know that already!

WILLIAM
I'm afraid of sausages.

GRAHAM
(appalled) Dude!

While GRAHAM is looking at WILLIAM with disgust, CHAD lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.

CHAD
Prepare to die, you smelly potato!

GRAHAM
No please! All I did was rob a bunch of baby birds!

CATHERINE enters, unseen by any of the others.

CHAD
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those baby birds were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Chad McCallister defender of innocent baby birds.

GRAHAM
Don't hurt me! Please!

CHAD
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!

GRAHAM
Because Chad, I am your father.

CHAD looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

CHAD
No you're not!

GRAHAM
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

GRAHAM tries to grab the spoons but CHAD dodges out of the way.

CHAD
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, GRAHAM slumps to the ground.

WILLIAM
Did he just faint?

CHAD
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.

CHAD crouches over GRAHAM's body.

WILLIAM
Be careful, Chad. It could be a trick.

CHAD
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Graham Bogtrotter is dead!

CHAD
What?

CHAD
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

WILLIAM claps his hands.

WILLIAM
So your spoons did save the day, after all.

CATHERINE steps forward.

CATHERINE
Is it true? Did you kill the smelly sea monster?

CHAD
Catherine how long have you been...?

CATHERINE puts her arm around CHAD.

CATHERINE
Long enough.

CHAD
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Graham Bogtrotter.

CATHERINE
Then the baby birds are safe?

CHAD
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable baby birds enter, looking relived.

CATHERINE
You are their hero.

The baby birds bow to CHAD.

CHAD
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Graham Bogtrotter will never rob baby birds ever again, is enough for me.

CATHERINE
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the baby birds passes CHAD a healing necklace

CATHERINE
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

CHAD
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

CHAD
Well, if you insist.

CHAD takes the necklace.

CHAD
Thank you.

The baby birds bow their heads once more, and leave.

CHAD turns to CATHERINE.

CHAD
Does this mean you want me back?

CATHERINE
Oh, Chad, of course I want you back!

CHAD smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

CHAD
Well you can't have me.

CATHERINE
WHAT?

CHAD
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a sea monster to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

CATHERINE
But...

CHAD
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, William.

WILLIAM grins.

CATHERINE
But...

WILLIAM
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

CATHERINE
Chad?

CHAD
I'm sorry Catherine, but I think you should skidaddle.

CATHERINE leaves.

WILLIAM turns to CHAD.

WILLIAM
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

CHAD
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly WILLIAM stops.

WILLIAM
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the sea monster don't you?

THE END