*2 months later*

Alan's POV

"Alan, sweetheart, you're home!" My mom beamed as I walked in the door, barely giving me a chance to put down my bags and suitcases before she pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

"Good to see you too mom." I chuckled softly, I didn't realise how much I'd missed home until I was about half an hour away, and suddenly, I couldn't wait to be home and out of California. I loved California, but after what happened with Austin, I couldn't stand staying there, nor had I reason too. Of course, Sarah and John tried to convince me to stay, and offered me the best job they could, but after they realised there was no convincing me, they managed to set me up with an assisting editor job close to home. Apprently Sarah and John had known the owners some time and where fairly good friends, so they where more then happy to take me on. It wasn't fancy, and it wasn't much more then what I was doing for Sarah, but I'd have more responsiblity, and the guy, Mark I think his name was promised he would give me as much work as he could. He even said that if I could prove myself, he might be able to find space to give me my own colum.

"Okay, so your dad is stuck at work right now, however, we're going out for dinner at eight with him and your aunt and uncle, to celebrate."

"Tonight?" I questioned, looking down at my watch seeing it was nearly five in the evening. Frankly, all I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep, it had been a long journey home, 4 hour flight.

"Yes dear, everyone was too excited to see you again and hear all about college and how your finals went. So, how about, you go take a nap and I'll start putting your things away for you, you look awfully tired sweetheart."

"Yeah, I'm pretty wacked, but I can pack my stuff away later mom, it's okay."

"Oh don't be silly, go on, go kip in the guest room and I'll get your stuff in your room sorted." She smiled sweetly, kissing my forehead. "It's no bother, now go, I'll wake you at seven so you can get ready."

"Okay mom, thanks." I nodded, before darting up the stairs, finding the guest room, which was next to mine and flopping down on the bed.

Sure, I was missing California a little, mostly my friends like Oli and Shayley, I was also gutted about having to leave my job, but there was no way I could stay. Austin plagued everything, every time I was at work, I was constantly reminded of the time I interviewed him and the time he scared the living daylights out of me when he walked into my office. Or when I was on my way to work, or standing outside having a cheeky cigerette, I was reminded of the times I bumped into him out there. I couldn't walk past the coffee shop we went too without him coming to mind, and Phil's house, where I would've lived, meant going almost right by where Austin lived which caused me to just want to turn down the right road and either A) Go give him another piece of my mind and slap him, or B) Go beg him to give this another chance...which one I wanted to do, depended on my mood.

It was hard to deny, I missed him, I missed the things he showed me, I missed the way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he smiled, or how his tongue would poke out between his teeth. I missed not knowing if something I said would piss him off, or make him laugh the way he did. I missed the small, rare kisses he gave me, especially the ones he placed on my forehead. I missed the way that his arms, wrapped around me, made me feel so safe. The only thing I didn't miss, was the damn contract and the threat of having to sign it. But at the same time, I hated him, I hated how he tried to force me into signing the contract, I hated how he slapped me because 'he lost control', I hated how he pushed me away and shut me out, I hated how one minute he would seem to be letting me in, but then totally close up. I hated how one minute he could be sweet, caring, the next like he was emotionless and didn't give a damn. It was like he was two people, one I loved deeply, and I was in love with, the other, although I still loved him, I couldn't handle, I couldn't deal with and I knew I deserved better then to be treated that way. I also knew, regardless of how much I missed him, I couldn't go back and wait around to see if he'd hit me like that again because I questioned him, or refused an order. I wouldn't, and couldn't be the silent, obident type, it wasn't who I was, and I wasn't going to make myself be that way just for him. I wasn't going to compromise who I was, or change myself just to please him, no one should have to do that.

Usually in situations, or in life generally, I could take the bad with the good, accept it, because that's just how life was. With the good, came the bad, like coming home...the good was getting to come home, be with my family again after being away for over four years and managing to get a fairly decent job. The bad...was that I'd have to be a 24yr old living at home with his parents for the foreseeable future until I could save up the money for a deposit and earn enough to cover rent, bills and food. But in that situation, the good outweighed the bad, so I didn't mind, I accepted it, but this situation with Austin, was just one situation where I couldn't accept the bad. I tried, and I tried to hold on to hope that Austin would ease up, let me in and the good would outweigh the bad...but the night he hit me, not playfully, not in the playroom, but full on hit me, hard enough to leave my cheek stinging for hours and me having to hide a pretty pink hand mark the day after proved to me, there was no changing him. While I saw a glimmer of a guy who had hope, who could love again and be the guy he probably once was, that's all it was, and all it would ever be. So I just had to accept that it was a loosing situation for me and move on. Some may say running back home, was running away from the problem, but that's not how I saw it, it's what I had to do to move on. I could only hope that now I was here, and at home again, I could settle back into my life, the life I had before Austin and eventually forget him, find someone right for me and be happy.

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Austin's POV

"This isn't WORKING!" I snapped, punching the thankfully padded wall. "Two months, two freaking months I've been at this and it's NOT WORKING PAMELA!"

"Austin...Austin calm down please." She begged, taking a step back. "Just sit down for a minute, breath."

I let out a long, fustrated sigh and nodded. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, just sit down and calm down for a minute...at risk of you trying to put another hole in my wall...have you ever thought that there's a damn good reason why this isn't working anymore?"

"Why wouldn't it work? It worked before, before when I'd gone through a hundred times more hell then this!"

"Because this time is...different."

"Oh and do enlighten me on how it's different? HE WALKED AWAY FROM ME JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!"

"Austin I swear to god, you shout at me one more time and I'll damn well put you in your place, you know you can't get away with that shit with me!"

I sighed again, looking at her apologectically, Pamela, she was the one person who'd stuck by my side, she was the only person I could trust. After everything that happened with my mom, my so called friends, my father, my ex girlfriends, boyfriends and ex wife...she was the only person who held me together. She'd been through hell too, she knew what it was like, and it was together we found ways to forget, to stop feeling and protect ourselves. I, obviously went for the CEO/dominant life style, where as she opted for a different one...art, all her time was spent painting, drawing, loosing herself in it for hours on end. She was a great artist too, she made very good money, and as for her sexual needs, she just went out, found a guy for a one night stand and left it at that. I had tried that, but my drive was too high for the occasional one off and my needs to do what I did now where too great. However, while our life styles where different, we held the same views...always keep people at arms lengh and never let anyone in. Live alone, do what you have to do for work, or your lifestyle, but never let someone in.

"I just...I just don't understand."

"Look Austin before...people leaving you, people walking away, aside from your mother, was their fault. Your father chose drink over you, your friends chose everyone else over you, Gielle choose to cheat on you and leave you for that tosser although you'd given her anything and everything she asked for and more. Not once had any of that been your fault, sure you hadn't always been the perfect son, the perfect friend, or the perfect husband, but the mistakes you made, where general human errors. So, from that, built your hatred, your pain, the feeling of wanting to give up because you where so fed up of being the good guy, the nice guy who always got screwed. You didn't want to feel anymore, you didn't want the pain, and the hurt, the betrayal, especially after your mother died. We both know she was your lifeline and loosing her nearly destoryed you completely. But this time...Alan walking away...was your fault and you damn well know it. You're completely unable to be mad or angry at him, or life, or the world, or anyone else because you know you're the only person to blame for this one. So, while you're telling yourself you want to shut it out, shut it off, not feel again...subconciouslly, you're not letting yourself because you feel like you deserve the pain, the hurt because of what you did." Pamela sighed softly. "And you know it, deep down...you where falling for him...and that's what's making this that much harder."

"I wasn't falling for him! He was just someone I was attracted too who I wanted to make my submissive!" I denied, maybe a little too quickly. I knew deep down she was right about the rest of it though, before, when I made the choice to shut off and shut everything out, I was angry, all I'd ever done is try and make everyone happy, regardless of how it made me feel, regardless of what I had to give up, sacrifice or compromise with. I'd reached braking point where enough was enough and I couldn't deal anymore after my mom passed. But with Alan, I knew the fault was completely my own, I tried every which way to blame him, blame him because he wouldn't sign the contract, blame him for trying to change me, but I knew he wasn't to blame, not even a tiny bit, the fault was mine, and mine alone. I ruined something good, something great, he was the first person to treat me like a normal person in so long, he was the first person to challenge me and make me jump through hoops, he was the first person who made me feel...human again. But that's the part that terrified me, that's the part that made me say and do what I did, that's why I had to force my rule of the contract with him.

In all honesty, I didn't actually care if he signed it or not, well, not for the reasons I gave him anyway, which where the reasons I'd given all the others. I just needed that control back, I needed to have things the way they had been, I needed him to be like the others so I didn't have to think, or feel, or anything. He was causing chaos in my head, bringing out the old me, and I had to stop it, I didn't want to feel like that again, I didn't want to be that me again, because that me always got hurt and ended up no where, no matter how hard I tried.

"Quit the denial Austin Robert. He may have started out that way, and he may have been a breath of fresh air because he was new and a challenge for you to try and brake...but you know full well he ended up being more then that to you, but you where too damn scared of getting hurt and being your old self again...but if I'm honest...if Alan really was the way you always described him...you really fucked up Austin."

"And how did I fuck up? Aside you know, hitting him, making him walk away, and subconcously putting myself through hell as punishment?"

"You pushed the one person, other then me, other then your mom that could've, and would've been your lifeline, the one person who would've given you hope again. You pushed away the one person who would've loved you, cared for you and treated you how you deserved, who would've never hurt you...and you did it in a way, you knew the chances of him coming back where second to none because you couldn't and wouldn't see that he was worth the risk. You know I'm right Austin, you know the reason you hit him like that is because you knew the chances where he would never forgive you, trust you or give you a second chance. And you know you did it because you couldn't bend him your way so you could have your cake and eat it, have the best of both worlds...that being keeping him around to give you that glimmer of humanity and because you love him too much to let him go, but keeping him far away enough you wouldn't have to feel again, or let him get close enough to hurt you. You had to do something so drastic, it meant he walked away, not you, because you couldn't and wouldn't and that was the best way you could assure that."

I sat there in silence, for what felt like hours, Pamela just sat there, looking over at me with a stern, but soft look on her face, waiting to see if her words sunk in. After what felt like forever, I finally realised what I had to do, to move on from this hell I'd been in the past two months..."I have to go."

Another update...Already? How nice am I?! Youuuuuuuu are welcome :P
FYI, I had to type this up on a programme that doesn't appear to possess the tool 'spell checker' and I kinda need that shit, and this is all being done without Faith reading through it and editing, so if there's any spelling error's, or I've messed up somewhere or anything please let me know, I'll correct them soon as I can! Daisy xoxo