"Dear diary,

Yesterday i kissed him, actually, more than once. I was in seventh heaven for a while. I guess i'm starting to have real feelings for him, and it scares the shit out of me. + Even still has a girlfriend, so we can't be together even though i'd want to be.
If my dad would find out, i'd be dead. He wouldn't understand...

- Isak, 28.8.2016"

It was Friday, and we were having a sleepover with Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus. We were sitting in our kitchen and drinking beers.

"Where are your parents, Isak?" Jonas asked.

"Dad is on work so he's out of the town, and mom is visiting her sister or something like that", i explained.

The truth is that i don't actually know where dad is, neither did mom.

"This beer tastes like plastic!" Magnus said, changing the topic of our talk.

"Well, it's not mine. I found them from the fridge." I said.

I felt like i had to talk to them about Even and i. I couldn't just hold it inside anymore, because it was slowly killing me. They are my best friends, so they deserve to know.

"Guys... You know that i've been kinda weird lately, right?" I started.

They all just stared at me.

"Have you noticed? Because i haven't." Magnus asked from Mahdi who only nodded his head.

"Ok, anyways. You know that Even, from third?" I asked.

"Ohh, Even! He's so awesome! What about him?" Magnus said.

"We.. We had a thing." I finally let it out.

They were all shook, i saw it on theit faces. They weren't expecting that, and i totally get it. Magnus's mouth was wide open.

"A thing?" Mahdi asked, before he turned to look Magnus who was as speechless as he was.

"Yes, a thing." I repeated after him.

"The fuck, are you gay?" Magnus asked and stared at me.

"I'm not gay! Ok, maybe i'm a little bit gay but that's not the point, Magnus!" I admitted.

There was an awkward silence between us. I was wondering why Jonas didn't say anything about it. Maybe he was so dissappointed in me, but he didn't want to be rude.

"Is it so bad?" I asked from them.

They all shook their heads.

"Dude, that's just amazing", Jonas answered and gave me a quick hug.

I had never seen that side of Jonas, but i thought it's adorable. He seemed to be very private person, and he didn't open up so often even though i have known him just for weeks.

"It is! I've always wanted a gay-best friend!" Magnus said over happily.

"For fucks sake Magnus! I'm not g-"

Someone knocked to our front door, at the same time interrupting me.
I rolled my eyes and sighed. I walked to the door and opened it.

I saw Even standing there.

"Oh shit! Wait a minute", i closed the door quickly.

I ran back to the kitchen.

"It's Even", i informed them.

They started to laugh and yell something random things at the same time.

"Let's meet Even guys!" I heard Magnus say.

"NO!" I yelled to them.

There's no way they are going to stay in here. I had to get them out.

"Are you kidding?" Mahdi asked and got up from the table, Jonas and Magnus followed.

"I'm not fucking around! Out, out, out, out, now!" I said and clapped my hands together twice as a sign for them to hurry.

"You can come back later, i'll call you when."

They took their beers and jackets and headed towards our back door. But of course, they forgot their shoes.

"Shoes!"

"Isak we need our shoes, buddy!" They were all yelling at me.

I ran to our other vestibule, and picked their shoes for them.
The most important thing was that they'd leave as fast as possible.

When they finally got out, i locked the door behind them. Then i ran back to the other side of our house, and opened the front door. Even was still there, waiting patiently for me.

"Oh god, come in!" I sighed and let him in.

"Is it so bad to see me here?" He joked as he took off his jacket and shoes.

"NO! I mean no, of course not".

We went straight to my room, and Even fall onto my bed.
I stared at him, as he was laying in my bed. God, he looked so beautiful.

"You're staring", he pointed out without looking at me.

I started to blush because he had caught me. I just liked to watch him.

"You're cute", i responded.

I was kinda bad at complimenting people, and when i tried i failed it.
I got his full attention by saying that, gladly.

"Wow, me? Look at yourself!" He said and placed his hand onto my thigh.

I felt shivers going through my whole body, and something tightening up in my pants. It was weird, but i knew what it was.
I decided to do something that would surprise him.

I climbed onto him, and started kissing him roughly. I felt his cold hands under my shirt, rubbing my back violently.
I hold his hands as i attacked his neck, so he wouldn't stop me.

Then he suddenly howled because of the pain that i had caused by holding his hands down.

"Did i hurt you?" I asked.

"No, of course you didn't! My wrists are just a little bit sore, but that's ok." He answered.

I was still sitting on him, as he got up and kissed me again. I knew excatly what he was doing to himself.

"Show me them", i said to him.

I knew that deep down he knew what i meant, because his eyes filled from a pure fear.

"What? No!" He resisted.

I furrowed my eyebrows. I was really worried about him.

"You can trust me, i promise."

He sighed, and pulled his sleeves up.
I was shocked of what i saw.

He had big cuts all over his wrists and arms. I felt very bad for him, and i wanted to know why he does stuff like that to himself, but i didn't ask.

Instead of that, i ran my fingers through his hair, and gave him a little kiss onto his forehead.

We just cuddled for hours in my bed. He cried, and i let him. Crying is healthy, and it makes you feel calmer and better.
We didn't talk.

"How did you know? How did you know that my arms were sore because of cutting?" He finally asked.

I laid my head on his chest.

"Because i've done it too, but it's been a long time since i cut last time." I tried to be as honest as possible.

"Oh", he answered.

"I'm bipolar", he suddenly confessed.

I didn't say anything. I waited for him to tell me more about it.

"And i've been pretty depressed lately. There's so many thoughts in my head. Sometimes i feel like dying, and once i even attempted suicide but my mom saved me just in minutes before... that, you know." He explained.

I felt even worse for him than i did before. He sounded so weak, even though he was one of the strongest persons i've ever known besides my mom. He was so pure.

"I'll probably do some shit you can't forget like... ever." He said.

"And i'll better get used to it", i answered and smiled to him.

He leaned in and kissed me slowly. I wanted to stay in here forever, but apparently Even didn't.

"It's a clear sky tonight, by the way." He pointed out.

"Really?" I said and raised my head from his chest.

"Do you want to go to gaze stars?" I asked from him.

It's like i shouldn't had even asked.

Just in seconds we were in our back yard laying on the grass together. We stared at the sky and the stars. The night was so beautiful.

We laid there in silence. I turned my gaze from the sky to Even. He was maybe even more beautiful than the stars. I adored him.

"Fuck." I whispered.

"What?" He said and turned to look at me.

I was unsure about what i was going to say to him, but i just went for it.

"You're so beautiful", i blurt out.

He smiled and turned to look to the sky.

Suddenly, Sonja flashed through my mind and it totally ruined my vibes.
I felt bad for her. I realized that i couldn't keep on hanging with Even if he would be together with her.
I didn't want to be just friends with him.

"What about Sonja?" I asked.

I saw his smile fading away.

"I'm going to break up with her", he answered.

My eyes widened. Did he know that it wasn't just so easy? He couldn't just end his long lasted relationship because he felt something towards me. I wasn't even sure if he liked me or anything. Maybe i was just a new experience to him, which i hoped i wouldn't be.

"No, don't do that. You can't do it just for me."

He began to laugh, and i was confused. It wasn't too funny to me.

"Look, i'm not doing it just for you. I feel like since our relationship started to become more strange to me, my maniac episodes has been longer and they've become more often. It would be really healthy to both of us if we would seperate our ways, you know." He explained.

I appreciated how honest he was with me. He was so incredibly strong human being.

"Well, if you're feeling like that..." I started but i didn't get to finish my sentence.

"I want you and you know that, right?" He interrupted me.

"Right." I said, even though i was really unsure about him wanting me.

.....