| trigger warning: anxiety attack|

harlee's pov:
monday afternoon

the entire school day I tried my best to get javon out of me head, but I couldn't. it was like everything I looked at just reminded me of him.

maybe it was the way he was being gentle and affectionate with me, or even the kiss itself. I just know something about it is affecting me.

my heart rate was increasing just from reminiscing about it.

javon wasn't my first kiss, yet that was my first kiss with him and no feeling compares to that.

I cant even imagine what's going on in his head.

this could've been his plan all along. to catch me off guard while I'm vulnerable.

but he blushed.

I'm holding onto the thought that he wanted it just as bad as I did.

I waited for the bell to ring, dismissing us from the last class for today. as my phone vibrated on the top of the desk.

baby: guess what just happened

I felt my cheeks start to heat up and I could feel my lips forming into a small smile.

me: what is it??

baby: bro you have to guess obviously

me: you failed a test

baby: hell no
baby: I'm better than that c'mon now

me: ok well you've gotta be pregnant then

baby: hmm close but not quite

me: tell me then

baby: ok so I was just in class you know

me: yes..

baby: and the teacher was talking about something
baby: I forgot what

me: let's get to the point

baby: I was in my own world and..
baby: I started thinking about you

he was thinking about me?

maybe he does feel the same way I do.

me: I feel honored

baby: yeah
baby: then I started thinking about this morning and I got sad we couldn't stay in the car longer

me: there's always tomorrow

baby: there isn't always tmr
baby: that's why you have to live in the moment duh

me: you're right

baby: are you riding home with jaden and I?

me: oh klai was going to drop me off at home today

baby: ok
baby: I was just asking because ethan was gonna ride home w us

ethan, I forgot about him but ever since javon and I have been talking I haven't seen them together much.

me: I haven't seen you two talking much

baby: he's more so jaden's friend than my friend
baby: still love him tho

me: mhm
me: stop texting and driving

baby: not even driving yet miss know it all

me: shut up

baby: we should hang out this weekend

me: damn
me: you thinking about me that much?????

baby: just told you that

my heart paused. I was being sarcastic with him but I don't think he was joking.

was I actually on his mind? he's told me that, yes. but he's said it so many times I'm starting to believe him.

me: I'll see. klai and I might go somewhere

baby: what about the other girl

me: rylee?

baby: yes her

me: she's usually out with some guy

baby: OH

me: lmaoo yeah

baby: don't be that type of girl

me: says you..

baby: don't start
baby: I'll see you tomorrow though
baby: bout to start driving gotta be safe

me: yes please be safe

———
tuesday afternoon

I watched as the fine snow flakes hit my bedroom window. slowly my fingertips clicked the ink pen to close it.

the volume of my music was loud as it echoed throughout my entire room.

I was the only one at home tonight because my mom went out with a few of her friends; since she had the night off of work.

as I looked down to the journal in my lap, I couldn't help the lour look on my face, thinking about what I had just written.

I looked at myself through the reflection of my full length mirror in the corner of my bedroom.

I stared at myself as I felt my breathing increase, and my chest start to tighten.

my eyes never left the mirror as I felt my symptoms worsen.

a valley of chills bubbled up onto my smooth arms and I could feel my hands start to get numb.

my eyebrows raised repeatedly as I finally recognized what was going on.

I tried my best to get out of my bed without falling to the ground.

every step I took closer to the bathroom the feeling only got worse.

I turned on the light switch as I tried to focus on my breathing and slow myself down. but nothing was working.

even though I knew how to handle my anxiety attacks, it's nice to have someone around when it happens.

and they don't happen as often as they used to.

but I didn't want to bother my mom, especially not on her day off of work.

the more anxious I got the more I started to tremble.

I turned on the sink faucet before taking my left hand and splashing cool water on my face.

finally, my breath started to slow down and I refocused my thoughts.

once I felt the tingling sensation in my body start to calm down I knew it was somewhat over.

but after one it's no guarantee another won't happen.

the thing is though, it's become the new normal for me.

for the past four years no medication has helped. I just have to remind myself that these are just thoughts.

and they aren't dangerous.

I slowly walked back into my bedroom—holding onto the wall for stability.

once I was back to my bed I reached for my phone, typing in my password to unlock it. my fingers clicked on my contacts.

hesitant to call my mom.

I swallowed the air stuck in my throat, debating on if I should let her know or just wait until she gets home.

I rubbed my lips together as I read javon's name under my moms contact.

he's probably with another girl right now, but I don't want to be alone. not after what just happened.

I don't even think he would want to come over and listen to my problems.

but he's the only other person I can think of right now.

fuck it.

I pressed the call button, then slowly lifted my phone to my ear.

my arm still shaking slightly.

I felt little butterflies swarming around my stomach as it rang, the music in my room still just as loud as before.

I bit onto my bottom lip before he picked up.

"not you calling me first." his raspy voice ran through my speaker.

I felt a small smile spread across my lips from his words, taking my mind off of what just happened.

"don't be too happy." I jokingly warned him.

"whatever." he said softly laughing. "what could harlee possibly need on this random tuesday night?"

I felt myself start to choke up once again as I thought of what words to say.

"can you come over?" I asked him in a low tone, not wanting to sound needy.

"harlee wants me to come over? you need me to?" by his tone I could tell me was smirking through the phone.

I tried staying calm, my voice getting more quiet, "I'm serious javon."

"are you alright?" his voice asked taking a change in tone. I heard him start moving around wherever he was.

"I just need to talk to somebody," I closed my eyes trying my best to not cry.

"I'm on my way, okay?" he asked me keeping the seriousness in his voice.

"okay." I could feel a type of warmth go through my veins.

"is your mom home?" he asked me, as a door shut behind him.

"no, but the front door is unlocked." I spoke looking up to my ceiling. 

"I'll be there in five minutes." and with that he hung up the phone.

I felt myself start to relax more, finding myself being attracted to the how caring he was being.

and then it hit me.

I was going to be home alone with javon.

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ok guys so sorry for not updating as much this week. I will try to post the next chapter in a couple of hours xoxo. also very happy birthday to the twins wishing them the best year, this year.