im backkkkk

I forgave him, because I love him.

I didn't justify what he did, I didn't let myself be okay with it, and I wasn't no longer upset. It changed the way I looked at him, but it didn't change the way I felt.

The one thing I didn't let him do was kiss me. Not yet at least. I had to come to terms with the things he does on my own time and it was going to take a lot more than a couple days.

I know his background, I know how he has no choice in the matter, but knowing he has taken the lives of people, even if they aren't innocent, bothers me. It would make any rational person uneasy.

Love blinds you, it blinds every bad part of the person. It makes me wonder how Harry feels. If he feels the same way as me, if he sits in his room on his bed and contemplates what I think about. I think some part of Harry wanted me to run, he thought I deserved better than to stick around and submit myself to whatever life he was being forced to live.

I'm still horrified and bothered by his job. I'm scared of how I'm being roped into this. I'm scared of what will come from it, but I know I have to accept it because I've been chosen. I can't have anyone I care about die because of me.

I'm also angry. I'm angry at Jason for forcing this life on Harry. I'm angry at Harry for even allowing me to become attached to him. But most importantly, I'm angry at myself for falling so quickly for a man I knew nothing about other than the fact that he was unreliable and dangerous.

So here I am, once again on my bed contemplating life. I've been avoiding Anna for days, knowing I'll break down in front of her if she even suspects something is up with me. It's the day of the banquet and I have Harry coming to pick me up in two hours.

He understood I didn't necessarily want to be around him all day, so he slipped me his card and told me to buy whatever dress I wanted and anything else I needed with no budget. I guess he wasn't lying when he said he was loaded.

The only thing I had to do was make sure the dress was fashionable, it was supposed to be formal, but he never followed the dress code exactly. He told me he would match whatever dress I picked out. Everything was up to me. He always went for the night club vibe. So that's what I did. I went for a short leather dress, with black stilettos, definitely not formal, but very nightclub-like.

I didn't send a picture to Harry, but I told him black leather and I think he liked the idea. He said he had the perfect thing to match. Our conversations have been short and mainly one sided. His eyes are always so apologetic, guilty and green like I called them.

It pained me to look into them for so long as I knew he was breaking inside. He was gentle, never raised his voice, the smirk of cockiness was no longer there, and his posture no longer stood tall.

Anyone could tell he was on the brink of depression. I felt bad for putting him in that mental state, I love him of course I felt bad. Even though I forgave him I still felt the need to distance myself from him as I coped with everything. I prayed that I didn't get roped into this after the banquet, I could be in the know but not do anything.

I didn't want this life. I didn't want it at all.

The two hours passed in a blur. My hair and makeup were done to perfection, my dress slipped on easily and I laced up my strappy stilettos right before he came to the door.

(Blake's Outfit)

When the knock sounded out through my apartment I froze. Stopping for a moment before I started towards the door to let him inside.

Harry, you've made such a mess, haven't you?

My hand turns the door knob slowly, revealing Harry. His curls were styled, he stood in a black leather suit like mine, the blazer open and revealing his chest and abdomen tattoos, his shoes black and shiny. He was clean shaven and looked so damn good. I trail my eyes up to his face to see his mouth agape and his eyes roaming just the same as mine had previously been doing.

(Harry's Outfit)

"Blake... wow." He murmurs when his eyes finally reach mine for the first time since Friday. Green and guilty, green and guilty. I need a drink.

"Do you hate it?" I worry, glancing down at my outfit and tugging at the tight bottom to pull it down slightly. I shuffled my feet together, balancing on the stiletto.

"Not at all, you look amazing." He reassures me kindly. Always kind and gentle with him nowadays. I miss the confident Harry, the bold side of him. I rarely see that part of him any more and I miss it. But then again, I rarely see him as a person anymore either.

"Thank you, so do you." Short. I cut it short when I want to say a million more things to him.

How I hate him for this. How I'm so angry. How I'm scared and I feel like crawling back to my mother's house. How I forgive him. How I love him.

My emotions are so messed up.

He looks at me softly for a second before his gaze shifts to my hair. He studies my blonde hair for a second before softly smiling. He reaches his hand up slowly as if to warn me and moves it toward my ear. I stand completely still and he gingerly takes his fingers and pulls something from my head.  He brings his arm back slowly and cautiously, holding up whatever he picked out shyly.

"You have um, fuzz in your hair." He says quietly, his eyes shifting from the fuzz to mine as I see a soft smile form on his lips again.

"Thanks." I whisper back.

We aren't the same anymore.

"Should we go now?" I ask, picking up my packed clutch from the countertop next to me. He was staring at me for a good ten seconds before he spoke his delayed answer.

"Oh um, yes sure. I have the Audi parked out front. I was going to get a limo, but I figured you would want me to drive."

Always so caring, Harry. He never once pressured me into anything I didn't want to do. He made sure I was comfortable in every situation. He understood what I was going through, now I know he was going through the same but different thing. Trauma comes in different forms, but every trauma is a kind of trauma.

"Yes, thank you." I nod and walk past him, leading him down the stairs of my complex after locking my apartment door.

"Can I carry anything for you?" He offers sweetly, almost trying to make up for everything by his actions. I told him actions speak way louder than words. I guess he took that into account. Smart man.

"I've got it." Shortly. Always shortly.

His eyes shoot down at the ground and I hear him sigh softly behind me.

Rejection.

"Okay." He whispers in defeat.

We walk for a moment before I spot the familiar black Audi. Still nervous about driving, but more comfortable the more he drives me around. I gained trust with him in ways I can't even describe.

Both of us slipping into our sides of the car, him attempting to open mine, but I beat him to it. Another sigh fell from his lips.

Give me time Harry, please. I promise I'll come around.

He starts the car and the nerves set in completely just like they always do. My palms get clammy and my breathing gets heavy. Usually, he would stroke my hand softly with his thumb or something to calm the nerves, but this time he kept his hands to himself.

Harry, I miss you and you're right next to me.

My brain trails around in different directions, thinking about the fact that I'm so calmly going to a drug cartel function, why I'm more nervous to be driving in a car than going to this event. I'm thinking of my father and how he died from a source that came from the place I'm going. I'm thinking about how I am forgiving a man who has done unimaginable things just because I love him and he doesn't even know it.

Like I said, nobody warned me how attached I'd get to you Harry Styles.

"Turning left." Harry says over the gentle hum of the music.

I nod in acknowledgment. The car ride was basically silent. We didn't talk much except when he muttered words like "changing lanes" or "turning here".

He never forgot to tell me when he was speeding up or coming to a stop. I'm sure it got annoying for him, but I appreciated it in more ways than one.

When we pulled up to the venue, he parked the car in the very back, away from the valet and turned towards me in his seat. My hesitant eyes met his, as he looked at me deeply.

"Blake, there are some things you should know before you walk in there." I freeze and he sighs. "The people inside this building are very dangerous, they are mostly males. They don't respect women and definitely don't respect boundaries. They will try and talk to you considering you are with me. My father is very high up on the ranks here, and while he hates me, I am still valuable to him in some ways. It makes me powerful, but more as an associate. Please Blake, stay by my side. Don't tell anyone your name or any personal information about yourself, and most importantly don't ever under any circumstances talk to Jason unless I am right next to you."

I nod my head slowly, taking everything in.

"So what should I do?" I question, raising my eyebrows. Was I supposed to sit there and look pretty?

"I hate everyone here, so I'll be with you every chance I have. We can eat dinner, make our presence known by my father, and then leave." He shrugs like he's done this a million times. Well, I guess he has.

"Sounds simple but scary."

He shakes his head immediately, denying my exclamation.

"Nothing's going to happen, there is no need to worry." He reassures me before settling for the quickest of hand holds.

And with that, we walk inside. Bursting through the glass doors of the rented out venue that I'm sure the company who owns this has no idea what this truly is an organization for.

All eyes fall on the pair in leather.

Us.

I spot Jason from across the room, his eyes spotting us at the same time. I look up to Harry who has done the same thing as me; spotted him.

We stroll our way to our table, directions given to us by the host. The ballroom filled with circled tables with thick, black tablecloths on top.

Black on Black. Leather on Leather.

Harry and I take our seats in silence, my ram linked through his as we walk, I keep my head high just as he does to seem important and confident. Jason watches us with a smirk as we cross the room while I watch him out of the side of my eye using peripheral vision. Harry's open and exposed chest has every woman in the room looking at him like a child looks at a piece of candy.

We may not be on the best terms right now, but he's mine.

When we reach our chairs, we sit down gracefully. Harry pulls my seat out from behind for me, like a gentleman, and this time I allow hishelp. He seems to smile at me because of it.

Violin music is playing and every guest is either roaming around talking with one another or sitting in their designated and assigned seats.

"This is boring, H. What's supposed to happen?" I lean over, pulling him in by his leather jacket flap and whispering very quietly in his ear to assure nobody else can hear me.

"I know, baby. It's a gathering. We require them sometimes just to spread news about upcoming events and missions throughout the local cartel." His voice is just as quiet as mine. He pretends to flirt and pull at the end of my dress teasingly, so from the outsider's point of view they think he's being cheeky with his girlfriend.

When I am in fact not his girlfriend.

Never been asked.

But unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

Seek help, Blake.

"What do you mean 'local cartel'?" That's what confused me. Wasn't there just one drug cartel and then drug dealers throughout the city?

"There are many different drug cartels, Blake. Much like the mafia. The Italian Mafia, The Russian, The English, ect. This happens to be the American drug cartel, but we are just a section of it."

"Oh I see. So will something be announced tonight?" Will I get to know something secret? I mean, not that I want to know something secret. Yeah... totally don't want to.

"Not out loud to the whole place. They have certain men spreading the news to certain people. They don't want the wives and women knowing."

What the hell?

"Can women not be high up in the ranks?" I ask with my brows furrowed. Women empowerment has always been a big belief of my father's. I'm disgusted by any man who thinks it's okay to hold himself on a higher pedestal than a woman just because of his gender. Same with race. I find it gross.

"Not usually. People here tend to believe in male supremacy. I tend to think that's idiotic considering the women run the social part of this organization. Without them, we wouldn't have any of this shit."

And that's why I love you.

"Very wise of you, Harry."

He nods his head with a smile. We wait a few moments before a man comes over to us, him unknown to me, but Harry seems to know who he is.

"Antonio! How are you?" Harry exclaims as a man comes up to our table with a big grin plastered on his face.

I'm confused. I thought he hated everyone here? My eyebrows are furrowed in confusion and my mouth is in a flat line.

"Harry, my boy! I'm good. As good as you can be at these things!" Harry chuckles in agreement. Antonio's eyes shift to me who is sitting awkwardly in my seat. "Now who is this?" He asks with a kind smile.

"This is Blake." Harry says in response, introducing me. His hand rests on my back in between me and my chair.

"Nice to meet you Blake. I'm Antonio, an unlucky friend of Harry here." He stretched out his hand to take mine for a handshake and I accepted carefully, not knowing if this is all an act.

"Nice to meet you." I say with a soft smile in return. My hands clasped in front of my lap.

"I see you decided to go against your father's dress code once again, Harry. He won't be happy." Antonio tuts with a small grin on his face, his eye looking up at Harry with a teasingly disapproving look.

"Couldn't give two fucks." Harry shrugs with a nonchalant attitude. I stifle a laugh. Antonio shakes his head in mock disappointment and then looks at the both of us.

"Well I have to go stand with the warehouse workers, but I'll see you later okay son?" He friendly smacks Harry on the back, letting him know where he is heading.

"I'll see you." Harry mutters a goodbye.

"Good to meet you Blake, you are ravishing." I wasn't expecting Antonio to mention me in his goodbye but I was happy to be included. He seemed much nicer than any of the other men around.

"Thank you, Antonio." I give him a bright smile this time. He smiles back in acknowledgement and then leaves.

"That was the father I never had." Harry whispers to me with his eyes still following Antonio's trail as he walks away.

Awe, Harry. My sweet, sweet, sunshine.

"I'm glad he's in your life, Harry, he seems to be nice and good for you."

"He is. The best man I know. He's in shady shit, but so am I. Some of us don't want this, you know?"

"I know now, Harry."

"Blake, you don't understand the emotional trauma I've been put through. I couldn't lose them. I couldn't give up my family. I couldn't lose you. I just couldn't! Please forgive me, Blake. Please come back to me. Je ne peux pas te laisser partir. J'ai besoin de toi." He begs me with pleading eyes. No longer guilty green, just worry and anguish fill his irises. I wish we were in private so we could say more to each other.

"Je t'ai pardonné à la minute où tu as répondu à ton téléphone." I swear he almost broke down in tears.

"Oh thank fuck." He breathes and leans forward to capture me in the tightest of hugs.

We had only released our hug to meet the eyes of a very unwelcome individual. Harry still had his hands combing softly through my hair and looking into my eyes with relief before we noticed him standing behind us.

"Hello love birds. How's the food?" His musty and vulgar sounding voice comes from behind us and I watch as Harry deliberately rolls his eyes in his direction.

"Haven't tried it yet." Harry snaps back, not interested in talking to his father. Jason takes a seat next to me anyway, both of us simultaneously scooting closer to each other and away from the unwanted guest.

"Mhm. My goodness Blake, you look marvelous. Leather? Not very traditional in the formal setting." Well that was a backhanded compliment. No need for that when you're dressed in designer clothing that cross matches at your pants. "And Harold my boy, No shirt under the leather that you are also wearing? Interesting."

Why is he actually such a dick to his son?

"What do you want, Jason?" Harry's give a shitter is so broken right now, I can tell he just wants to leave, or find Antonio.

"I need to talk to sweet Blake here." Yellow toothed smile is flashed my way, the alcohol stench already radiating off of him and it wasn't even late into the night or the event.

Drug cartel leader problems.

"Go ahead. You'll do it even if I say no." I snap my head back to Harry so quickly I think I cracked my neck, I look in shock as he so quickly allowed such a horrible man to talk to me.

"Don't worry, Blue. He just wants to see if I told you everything." Harry whispers as his hand holds my thigh lightly, reassuring me that I won't be touched in any way.

"True fact, Harold. Now sweetness, did Harry tell you everything?" Yes Jason, he did.

"He was forced to." I glare at the man more hateful than I ever could glare at anyone in my life. Harry should've had the option to tell me. I wouldn't have liked it anyway he told me, but I think it would've been better for us if we didn't have the overlying pressure of his father to spit out the truth. We could've had time to process. 

"Yes, I know. I was the one who forced him. Funny how that works, right?"

Always a cynical smile etched onto this man's face. It was an eerie that you could only find in the darkest of evils.

"Fuck you." I spit back at him.

"Now, now. A lady shouldn't talk in such vulgar language, it's unlady-like." He tuts in humor as he degrads my womanliness.

Pig.

"I don't care. Funny how that works, right?" This time it's my turn to etch the same cynical smile onto my own face. His is replaced with a flat lip line

"I'd watch your tone with me, woman, or I'll shut it so fast you won't see the light of day."

That's when Harry steps up. I knew he would. He would never allow someone to threaten me, especially in front of him. He stepped into the situation when Grayson was pressuring me in the courtyard. We barely even knew each other then.

"That's enough, Jason! She knows, I told her. Leave us."

Jason only grins and nods.

"I'll be contacting you soon, Blake. You're of use to me now. We can have a lot of fun together."

And then he walks away and we both watch the devil walk back into the fiery pits of hell.

"Wanna head out?" Harry asks in a hushed voice.

I stand up immediately, him following my lead. Both of us gathering all of our things before we leave.

We start heading towards the exit doors before a blonde, young woman stops us.

Oh for fucks sake.

I can see Harry stiffen beside me as he sees the woman. Who is she?

"Harry baby!" First of all, no.

"Natasha." He acknowledges her but doesn't engage with any questions.

"How are you sweetheart? I've missed you." She finally reaches us completely, bypassing me as if she can't even see the 5'7 girl in black stilettos and matching black leather with Harry Styles.

"I'm leaving Natasha, no time to talk." He tries to pull me towards the exit, but her response stops me dead in my tracks.

"Can't I come with?"

The fuck? No, you can't. He's mine and mine only.

"Um, no. Can you not see the woman on my arm?" I lean a bit more into him after his statement, my heart bursting for him as he defended me.

"Oh I see the blonde."

I genuinely can't with this girl.

"You're a blonde babe, fake I might add. You need to get your overgrown roots done." I snap at her, pointing to my roots for reference of a real blonde. Her sneer only grows.

"And what's your name?" She smiles strangely, why is she smiling like that?

"Blake."

Blake fucking Leigh Anderson. Property of Harry Styles.

Just kidding but also not kidding at all.

"Interesting. Didn't you hookup with a Blake before, Harry?" She smirks, sending Harry a raised eyebrow look.

"Nope." He pops the 'p' confidently and I believe him. "Natasha we are leaving. Go find someone else to bother."

"I'll be seeing you later, Harry." She says sweetly with a wink.

That's when I step in once more. I don't say a word, I just watch her from my spit at Harry's side, my fingers coming to rub up his back and tangling in his hair, scratching the scalp lightly. His head turns down to mine slightly to press his lips to mine right in front of her, my bottom lip being captured between his.

He was about to pull back, but I kept him close, tracing my tongue along his lip to make him open his mouth. He does and for a moment we are incapable of thinking of anything other than ourselves.

Our tongues were tangled as she watches us with a shocked expression.

"You taste like mint." Harry whispers into my lops as we pull away.

"That was disgusting." Natasha said from the side of us. Her face scrunched up in disgust. I thought it was pretty hot if I'm being honest.

"Sorry Tash, but we didn't ask. You're overstaying your welcome."

I think I just won that argument, because after that we left the venue, stepping onto the cold concrete our hands linked.

Forgiven but never forgotten.

A/N: we gained 7k reads in a day?!? THATS CRAZY!! thank you so much for 25k i love yall