Everyone was surprised when the news of Borj leaving to be with his Mom broke. Everyone tried to call him, except for me and Kuya. No one knew that we talked before he left. Pero wala akong lakas para magkwento or magpaliwanag.

Jelai was mad. And so were Tonsy and Jun jun. We've been together for who knows how long, yet he decided to pull this disappearing act.

I tried to stay away from the topic. Everytime they try to talk about Borj, I leave. They thought I was angry. I pretended I was. Well, that's what I thought I was feeling.

Masyadong madaming tumatakbo sa utak ko, and I don't have anyone to talk to na tingin ko maiintindihan kung ano ang nasa isip ko. Yung totoo siguro, napagod na rin ako kaiiyak at kakatanong dahil wala naman yung taong makakasagot sa mga tanong ko.

Jelai once asked me what if I was given a chance to say goodbye to Borj, would I take it? I just looked at her and left. I think that's who I was during those first few weeks or months. I walked out everytime I hear anything about him.

Every night, I would look at my phone wondering whether Borj has replied to my messages. I knew my messages were sent. I knew he read the first three messages. But somehow, there's no read receipt for the messages after that... Maybe he changed the setting. Maybe he blocked me. If they only knew how often I googled messages setting to at least have a clue whether he has read or even received my messages. Well, just like the thousand questions I have, I guess it is something that I will not know the answer for.

16th Jan 2003

Happy birthday, Borj! 😊

I hope you're having a blast.

20th June 2003

Borj, birthday ko ngayon!

Happy birthday to me!

18th birthday, naalala mo?

Sayang, isasama sana kita sa 18 roses, kaya lang wala ka.

May utang ka sa aking sayaw (saka rose). 😊

I wish you were here.

30th Dec 2003

Hi Borj! I'm not sure whether you've read my messages or if you're even receiving any of them.

Well, I guess I wouldn't know.

If you're reading it, "hi!" 😊

The message after this is quite long and probably overly dramatic (?), so proceed at your own risk.

I had a fight with Basti just now. This is the third time this month that we had an argument. He told me I was too stubborn and that I don't know how to communicate. That it has been my habit to just walk away whenever we have a problem, instead of talking to him and discussing it.

I remember you once told me that I should talk to him directly....

Yes, I remember that night. But, Borj, bakit dati hindi mo naman ako sinabihan na matigas ang ulo ko. Bakit dati, parang naiintindihan mo naman ako?

Im quite torn. Im trying to understand Basti, but at the same time, trying to understand myself.

Anyway, I just needed someone to talk to, and I miss talking to you.

Good night, Borj! (or Good morning, wherever you are)

16th Jan 2004

Happy birthday, Borj!

Malapit na tayong mag-20.

Matanda na tayo 😊

13th Feb 2004

Guess what?

Im on the way to a bar in Makati.

Actually, not I. Missy will be picking me up in about 30 min.

I just remembered that we've been planning to go to a bar together before.

Oh well, here I am, a year older and old enough to legally enter a bar.

I wont be drinking much, don't worry.

14th Feb 2004

Well, I lied.

I drank, and was actually drunk that Basti has to pick me up on the eve of Valentine's day.

And guess what, we had some sort of a tiny argument (not really tiny)....

I guess he's asking for some space (as if Im occupying that much of his time).

Anyway, this is a bit drunk Roni and on the verge of breaking up, Roni- so, forgive the message one after the other (as if you're receiving any of this)

Oh yeah, I just remembered, you promised me that you will inform me if you will ever change your number, right? (as if you didn't lie to me when you said you'll meet me at 12nn )...

Anyway, im holding you responsible for that. I don't care if you're not reading these messages, but hopefully your number was not given to another person. Woah! Imagine how embarrassing this is.

Anyway, have a good day Borj!

16th Jan 2005

Happy birthday, Borj!

16th Jan 2006

Happy birthday! 😊

12th Dec 2006

Borj! Basti and I broke up.

I was sad, but not angry.

I thought I would be a crying mess or I would cause a scene when this thing happened.

Wait, not that I've been expecting it to end, but sometimes I'm trying to imagine what it would be like to break up with your first boyfriend after being together for a long time. Or maybe, I somehow knew we're going to that direction after a couple of fights. We tried to settle our differences, but I guess it's quite difficult to continue when Im too stubborn and he's too impatient (his words not mine). Maybe love is not enough.... Or maybe our love is not just enough.

But yeah, I was surprised that I feel ok. I still cry at night... Im not angry. Im just sad. And I think crying is the only thing you could do when you're sad.

Hope you're doing ok, Borj!

16th Jan 2007

Happy birthday!

15th March 2007

Borj! I bought a new car... Yeah... yeah, I know I don't have a license yet.

But how am I going to learn how to drive if I don't have a car, right?

17th March 2007

I drove the car to a tree!

I was not drunk. I guess I stepped on gas, instead of the break.

Oh well, it might take a while before I would drive again.

I got a deep cut on my right thumb (and Im having a hard time typing this message for you.

See you!

15th April 2007

Hindi mo man lang talaga ako kinumusta.

Anyway, Benjamin Jimenez! I just got my license.

Uwi ka na, ipagda-drive kita 😊

16th Jan 2008

Happ

Roni's in the middle of writing her usual birthday greetings to Borj when she noticed that someone is typing at the other side. Her heart was beating too fast, anticipating what the person at the other side is typing. Her hand to her chest, not blinking, scared that if she did so, that blinking cursor would disappear.

The message pinged.

Roni smiled a bittersweet smile. Hindi nya alam, pero sa kanyang pagkurap, naramdaman na lang nya yung luha sa kanyang kamay. She took a deep breath, then without thinking anything, dropped her phone on her dresser and took her car keys.

You don't know me, but I've heard a lot about you.

I know you care for Borj that much.

But for his sake and your own, please stop sending him any message.

Have a good life, and I'm sincerely hoping for your happiness.